Where I have been. Where I am. Where I am going.

I had an urge to blog today. Had to remember my password. Had to find my login. And then I look at my last post and, lo!, it has been five years since I have been here! FIVE years! Where has time gone? So much water under so many bridges.

I stopped posting all those years ago because it was too painful. If you recall, I was once upon a time deeply in love with a man in SL (let's call him Boston). It affected my RL. He had an RL with a wife and kids. So he broke it off with me. And I was broken. Devastated. Funny how rejection from someone many states away could so greatly affect my both my lives, SL and RL. The last time I spoke to him was well over 6 years ago. Since then I have come to understand the wisdom in the way he broke it off (cold turkey) with me. I have also come to question how much this affair was a fantasy (perhaps of my imagining more than his).

Water under a bridge... mostly. I miss him still. But I think he was wise to dump me hard.

Why? Because over the last five years, my RL Beloved has been having an affair with a woman (call her Michigan) several states away. Much as Boston and I did, my RL man sends cute romantic texts to her, tells her he loves her, has become emotionally attached. Just as Boston made it patently clear to me (all through our brief virtual affair) that he was not leaving his wife, so Best Beloved makes it clear to Michigan that he is not leaving me and that they are just flirty friends.

The irony here is that I know all about Michigan, just as Best Beloved knew all about Boston. (Although, I do not think D ever confessed about me to his wife--or if he did I wonder how he explained it? She means nothing? It was just a game?) The two love affairs are both remarkably similar and completely different.

Let's be clear here, my RL man did have a physical RL affair with real, not virtual sex. It was just one weekend in a hotel in Toledo. When he came home he confessed all. I lost my shit and told him he had to end it with her. He did and he didn't. She moves in a group of people with whom we are RL friends. I can't help bumping into her at various functions. She has told me he is her "soul mate." He says she is "just a good friend." But he continues to talk to her and flirt with her. And this last summer things got physical again. Not sex. Just kissy face and patty finger physical. But it hurt. I considered leaving him and he lost his shit. Doesn't want to lose me. We spent time in counseling. I have spent a lot of the last five years being real. 

I probably should be happy Beloved is honest with me. But what it really means is if he can have his fantasy life with her in emoticons in text messages and a series of what if or if only conversations, he is good with that. He has his cake at home, me, and he is eating it too, with her.

Some of my bridges are washing away in the flood....

And this Dear Reader is why I have not been writing. Life is all confusing. Do I still love him? Not sure. Am I lonely. Oh yeah. Because while S is busy emoting with P, he is not talking to me. We move like ghosts through this big house. Living separate lives together.

Stay tuned for how This Girl went back to looking for love in SL while she makes decisions about RL....

Recap...

It has been a while so I thought I ought to log in and catch you up on what this girl has been up to. First a bit of a recap....

My RL life took a turn for the weird this year... and for stress relief I have found myself in SL
more of late. Now here's the thing: I have been role playing in SL for a while. First it was Firefly sims with "D", then Startrek sims with my friend Mandy. And if you've been keeping up you know I began playing in Gor this year.

The whole Gor thing started as an accident. Sort of. my first few weeks in SL I fell in love--they call it the SL effect--had a torrid affair in SL. Three years worth. When he dumped me, I was broken. Then I thought maybe we could be friends, and for a while we were. Sort of. Back just before he told me to go away, he was building in Gor and roleplaying there. I admit my first interest in Gor was hoping to bump into him. Maybe. See if he was there. But he never was. Sadly, I will always mourn the loss of his friendship. I still think of him; I suspect I will for the rest of my life. But life goes on. This summer I decided to try the Gor thing in earnest.

I began my SL career seven years ago as a "courtesan." In Firefly I played a "licensed companion." In Star Trek an Orion Slave Girl (it's not easy being green!). I like flirting and men with intelligence. Men who can hold a conversation. Men with imagination, and a sense of humor. (I also blame D for spoiling me there. He set the bar rather high!)  What being in Gor has taught me is that in my heart of hearts, I am a submissive. I like playing the role of "slave." It also taught me that I am very very picky about "Masters."

I tried being a city slave girl in a couple of Gorean sims. Not so much fun.  Most of the time the men are busy running around raiding or being raided, the free women are hiding in the basements when they are not belittling the slaves, and the slaves keep scrubbing the floors waiting for the fireworks to end so they can go back to pouring wine. No one talks to or flirts with slaves. It is all "come here slut/beast and do X."

In July I took one man's collar. That turned out badly. While collared to that Master I met a Jarl who told me he would claim me someday. I've been chatting with him off and on in IM since (and I like the conversations), but I haven't seen him since day one although he is online every time I log in. How long does a girl wait to be claimed? In the Gor Hub I met another Master who was interesting and we talked about the philosophy of being a slave/sub in RL. But he wants a slave in RL as well as SL, has a bunch of girls who fly across the country to be with him for days at a time in RL. Nice guy, but I am NOT into that.

So now I am between Masters. Hanging out in the Gor Hub. Hoping for... Hmmm... I don't know what I am hoping for....

Making it Real?

Love is such a funny thing. It can be so all consuming. You see it in literature all the time . . . The lover can't sleep, can't eat, can't think of anything but the beloved. But here is a question: does love really need to be so demanding? Why can't we just "be there" for each other? Why must love always have demands . . . what makes us think that loving gives us a right to ask for more, or to offer less?

And then there is love in Second Life, where virtual love has its own set of complications. I heard from an old friend just the other day who is struggling with the borders between SL and RL. "Vee" has been looking for the right woman (read: a sexually compatable woman) ever since he got involved in SL. He thinks he finally found her. They even got partnered in SL. Now he faces a dilemma. Does he leave well enough alone? Enjoy the virtual relationship as it is, build an SL life? Or ask for more by asking to meet her in RL? Tough questions. Especially since both of them are RL married. With kids.

The way things usually go in RL is that you meet someone. You date a while, get to know all about each other, then--if things are still good--you make it all public. You move in together, get engaged, maybe married. You would at least meet each other's friends, families. And above all in RL you would end the one relationship before going public with the second. Not so in SL.

In SL we begin with masks. And we tend to stay behind the masks. There is no conflict with multiple partners, or for that matter with kids or in-laws. No one leaves their dirty laundry on the bedroom floor, leaves the cap off the toothpaste or the toilet seat up. There are no bad hair days, warts, zits, farts, burps. No need for any unpleasantness and thus no need for any real effort. A self-sustaining fantasy that only takes the right words in chat to keep your beloved happy. It's a pretty good boat. Why rock it?

Remember the case in the news a few years ago of Dutch, the married guy who neglected his RL wife and family for his SL GF? He ended up divorcing, then marrying the SL GF in RL. I wonder if he's happy. You could see hime in-world from time to time, on the Pirate Sim he and Tenaj  (new wife) built together. I wrote about the consequences of virtual "cheating" a while back, but I still don't have any good answers about that except to say we each can only make choices for ourselves never for anyone else, not even for our beloveds. Here's the thing, though. If what happens in SL stays in SL, you are less likely to cause or feel RL hurt--to anyone, yourself included.

Some do move love into RL from SL. I see couples all the time with lines in their 1st life profiles that say "we met in SL and now are together in RL."

On the other hand what if the love of your SL life can't or doesn't want to get RL serious? Maybe he/she is married in RL, and is not prepared to sacrifice that? Or not ready for any commitment that extends beyond the safety of the SL masks? Is the love any less real? Again, that's a case by case and person by person decision. Yes, only you can decide if you want to take the chance on meeting her in RL, and on what terms. But here's a clue. If you don't know her real name, address, phone number . . . if she hasn't shared those things yet . . . then she's not ready. And pushing it will only break it. If you love him/her you have to respect that.

Song du Jour: "To make you feel my love..."

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I will never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

Sometimes the heart doesn't give you a choice

Sometimes you fall in love and, even knowing it is doomed, you keep loving. 

Sometimes you can't stop loving even after the whole thing falls apart. 

       from: http://xkcd.com/58/

You were afraid...

Today's Song: "Fallin'" by Alicia Keys

A musical present for a man who will probably never see it, who never looks here, who has been gone now for as long as he was here. I keep trying to walk away from from him, from the memories, but I still think of him every single day, I will miss him t we had every day for the rest of my life.

Song for a New Year: "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele

The scars of your love, remind me of us.
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling...

We could have had it all....

Sad Song for a Sunday: "Calypso" Suzanne Vega

My name is Calypso
And I have lived alone
I live on an island
And I waken to the dawn
A long time ago
I watched him struggle with the sea
I knew that he was drowning
And I brought him into me
Now today
Come morning light
He sails away
After one last night
I let him go.

My name is Calypso
My garden overflows
Thick and wild and hidden
Is the sweetness there that grows
My hair it blows long
As I sing into the wind
My name is Calypso
And I have lived alone
I live on an island
I tell of nights
Where I could taste the salt on his skin

Salt of the waves
And of tears
And though he,pulled away
I kept him here for years
I let him go

My name is Calypso
I have let him go
In the dawn he sails away
To be gone forever more
And the waves will take him in again
But he'll know their ways now
I will stand upon the shore
With a clean heart

And my song in the wind
The sand will sting my feet
And the sky will burn
It's a lonely time ahead
I do not ask him to return
I let him go
I let him go 

Quote du Jour: Philip Linden on love

Love is the most subtle and complex emotion. It can be experienced at peak intensity only with the full power of the human intellect and in the calm of a fearless and lucid mind. The direction of evolution is toward love. --Philip Linden, founder of Second Life and of Lovemachine:  http://www.lovemachineinc.com/tao-of-lovemachine/


Philip is talking about the impetus behind his new company, Lovemachine, a sort of cross between a Twitterish feed and a merit/kudos employee reward system. In effect it acts like in-house LinkedIn recomendations. A nice idea. But what he says here has a great deal of merit. 


Love is complex, and uncontrollable. I'm not talking about lust here--that is the unpredictable response to biological stimuli, I am talking about the internal feel good you get from loving someone. Love doesn't have to be requited to be real. You can love someone even when they don't love you. Then again, when someone loves you, really loves you and demonstrates that love, over and over, it is difficult not to love back. 


Love does not take place in the groin, that's lust. And lust is a fine thing, too. You got mutual lust going with someone, go ahead, have a great time. Love, however, is that feeling that you can't live without knowing that the other is happy. Their well-being takes precedent over your own. Lust is about you. Love is about him, or her. 


Just as Philip says, love needs a lucid mind. Love is when you see the other clearly--all their flaws, all their faults, and you still love.  Love happens in the heart, and in the head. The very best sex ever is not love unless your head and heart, your mind and soul are engaged. And to be honest--the best sex involves the head as well as the heart. The imagination as well as the body. When both the heartt and head are involved it is so much more than just sex. It is that perfect connection between two people that transcends everything. If you find it, cherish it. It is priceless. If you lose it, you will know it was love by the unfillable hole left behind.

Song du Jour: "Undo it" Carrie Underwood

This song is for Silver. Keep singing this, Baby, & it will be all right. 


I should've known by the way you passed me by
There was something in your eyes and it wasn't right
I should've walked, but I never had the chance
Everything got out of hand, and I let it slide

Now I only have myself to blame
For falling for your stupid games
I wish my life could be the way
It was before I saw your face

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely, and took me for a ride
And I wanna undo it

You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna undo it

Now your photos don't have a picture frame
And I never say your name, and I never will
And all your things, well, I threw them in the trash
And I'm not even sad

Now you only have yourself to blame
For playing all those stupid games
You're always going to be the same
Oh no, you'll never change

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely, and took me for a ride
And I wanna undo it

You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna undo it

You want my future, you can't have it
I'm still trying to erase you from my past
I need you gone so fast

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely, and took me for a ride
And I wanna undo it

You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna undo it

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely, and took me for a ride
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna undo it

Knowing When to Walk Away

A long time ago a friend told me that I try so hard to pour oil on troubled waters that I end up polluting them. Something in me always seems to wants to fix all the broken things. Make all my friends happy. Make the ones I love love me back. Please everyone and at the same time be pleased by everyone. Balance my RL with my SL. I guess there has to come a point where you finally say to yourself this is just too broken to put it back together. 

Sometimes I suspect I spend too much time trying too hard to recapture a moment that is lost rather than making a new moment. Sometimes it is someone else who has so many filters that he only hears and sees what he expects to see. I think I did that pollution thing again today. I shouldn't have talked to him. I should have let it be. I keep coming back to try to start over and all I do is rip the scab off the wounds I thought were healed--both mine and his it seems. 

Sometimes I wish I knew why this one broken thing is so important to me. Sometimes I wish I didn't care. I guess I have finally come to the point where I know I have no choice but to let go.  

He would say I am seeing only black and white--stay or go. But what other option is there? The fact is, he always played his cards so close to the chest I don't know what the best path is. I had no clues so I always blundered about believing the best. And I seem to have hurt him, been hurting him, keep hurting him. Could I hurt him so much if he didn't care at all for me? The dumb thing is I don't even know, I truly do not know what it is I do that he calls drama and emotion. 

Two weeks ago I said hello I wasn't angry, wasn't emotional. A little sad, a little hopeful. But not expecting anything. Just wanting to tell him I still care. Not asking him to take me back. Just wanted to say I hoped he was well and happy. Do I say to much? Wear my heart on my sleeve? Probably. He brought up the things I said last month. I wanted to clear it up. I should have said nothing. Should have walked away and let it go. How did my being hurt by his new relationship cause him so much anger? If he doesn't care for me, should he even give a damn what I think? If he does still care for me, shouldn't he want to talk? To meet halfway and find a place we can at least be friends? All I ever wanted to do was to make him happy. All we ever do any more is hurt each other. 

He used to call us star-crossed lovers. But then he dumped me. Nearly a year ago he walked away, said it was too much and he had no time for SL and that he didn't want me any more because I was messing up his RL, and RL was too important. Okay. I can buy that. RL has to come first. Hell, I came close to trashing my RL because of the intensity of my feelings for him. I needed to refocus, too. I have been putting that back together, slowly, only because my RL love has also made an effort. But then that's what RL is about. Being real to each other. 

So how dumb am I for chasing a man in SL who won't talk to me, won't listen to me, doesn't believe me, and clearly doesn't want me?  

I have spent the last year wandering lost. Thinking about him a dozen times a day and learning how not to cry. And then still crying. Pouring over old emails and chats and pictures. Getting my hopes up on the rare occasions he spoke to me or was friendly. Falling apart when he smacked me down and was cold. Trying to find my footing in SL again without him. Half a dozen times I have thought about deleting this avatar. About starting over. I threw myself at other men, but in the end no one else was him. I made new friends, good friends, friends who were a distraction. I went dancing, flirted, had fun. But never could get him out of my mind. Never got him out of my heart. I still looked for him online. Me still being Stalker Chick. 

You know what is funny? The first year he loved it when I blogged about him. The second year he said I was putting pressure on him. In the end he said he hated my blog--I deleted it, then I resurrected most of it but took all mention of him out. I still can't bring myself to say his name here. And yet I can't stop thinking, and writing, about him. 


Last night I did it again. Sent him another email that he will not respond to. How dumb am I?

Quote du Jour: Anonymous FB Friend

"You don't fall in love by choice, but by chance. You don't make love last by chance, but by work. You don't work on love by chance, only by choice."

I found this on a friend's Facebook page. It rings very true. 

Song for Sunday, and for Thor: "Love is a Place I Dream of" by Luka Bloom

Song du Jour: "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston

". . . I never knew love like I've known it with you. . . ."

Song du Jour: Damien Rice: "Delicate"

We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate

So why'd you fill my sorrows
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why'd ya sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?

We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate

So why'd you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place that you've known
And why'd you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?

And why'd you fill my sorrows
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place that you've known
Why'd you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?

A song for the man I still love: Matt Nathanson's "Come on, Get higher"

Drown me in love... everything works, in your arms.

Song du Jour: Pat Benatar "Love Is A Battlefield"

Monday's song: ALO Big Appetite

Why can’t we be happy with what’s happening
Instead of always running for the door
When ambition is starting to sting
It keeps us always wanting more

Well hey, hey alright, we got a big appetite
Oh,oh my love, when is enough enough

And when it hits you, happens so fast
Sometimes it’s hard, hard to keep track
I could tell you what you already know
But I can’t tell you what it is to let go

Hey, hey alright, we got a big appetite
Oh,oh my love, when is enough enough

Cause it’s never been easy to let what will be just be
And when we’re looking at the love all around us
Does it blind us or is that what this whole thing is for?
Our love might be boundless but we always need more

Hey, hey alright, we got a big appetite
Oh,oh my love, when is enough enough
Hey, hey alright, we got a big appetite
Oh,oh my love, sometimes it’s never enough

Cause it’s never been easy to let what will be just be

Death Cab For Cutie "I Will Possess Your Heart"

There are days when outside your window,
I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective,
when we'll be lovers, lovers at last
You gotta spend some time--love,
you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find--love,
I will possess your heart