Lately I've been kissing people I'm not married to...

SL is a strange place. You can get immediately and intimately connected with people you barely know. Now I am not saying this is necessarily a bad thing, and lord knows I am not likely to give up doing so myself, but I read a post a while ago on Salon.com that reminded me of what the unintended consequences could be for SL relationships.

Salon.com has an advice column (generally witty, always interesting) written by Cary Tennis. This offering is "Lately I've been kissing women I'm not married to," a lament from a married man who finds himself wanting to act out his fantasies of making out with strangers... here's a small piece:

My situation is this: I think of myself as happily married. My wife and I have a good relationship. Our sex life is just fine. Why have I done this? My recurring fantasy is going out with a woman from work and we end up at her place after drinks, fooling around. Pretty vanilla, I know. But that's me! The situation this week followed my fantasy to a T, which I clearly found exciting. But my fantasy always goes further than what actually happened this week. I/we stopped it in its tracks because I/we knew it was wrong. But why wasn't I smart enough to stop it earlier, when we were having drinks and were both giving clear signals to each other? I would understand if I was unhappy in my marriage. That is why I find my behavior so stupid. What is my problem? 

Serial Kisser 

Dear Serial Kisser,
What is your problem? Your problem is that if you continue to kiss women you are not married to, soon you will no longer be married. That is the usual outcome with the kissing of attractive women you are not married to. You are evidently aware of this in some dim way. That would be why this hobby of yours is not bringing you unalloyed pleasure but instead a pleasure tinged with a dollop of piquant dread. . . . I mean, it's understandable what's been happening. Get a few drinks in you and you want to kiss people. It's natural. Nothing wrong with that per se, except you're married. You know the rules. You knew the rules when you signed up. Nobody forced you to sign up. You signed up on your own. There are a lot of people you don't get to kiss now. It's tough, I know. But those are the rules. 

If Cary is correct, well, there are a lot of us breaking those rules by our actions in our SL lives. So the ultimate question becomes: is having a relationship in SL a threat to an RL relationship? I personally know of at least 2 RL couples playing in SL who have come close to the brink of separation/divorce and may yet tip over it. These are RL married couples who play separately in SL and have SL relationships with SL partners other than their RL ones. And in both cases each partner has one or more SL sweetie, someone other than their RL one. It should also be said that in each case the RL relationship was in someways dysfunctional before anyone got involved with anyone else in SL.
There are also cases of people getting involved with SL partners to the exclusion and alienation of their RL spouses. An August 10, 2007 article in the Wall Street Journal, "Is this Man Cheating on his Wife?", tells the story of one guy who has in effect traded his RL for his SL, spending full days on the computer in SL with his other wife, an SL partner. Andrew Vogel's response, in his blog Spunlogic, tells us:

According to family law experts and marital counselors, though, the Hoogestraats’ deteriorating marriage is not an isolated case. The article cites that an increasing number of marriages are crumbling because of “virtual infidelity.” This begs the question, if virtual marriages are causing real life marriage trouble, are the virtual marriages all that virtual?

And there is the crux of the issue. Secondlife isn't just a game anymore. There are real people and real feelings on the other side of that avatar. Just like you can pick up a one-night stand in a bar, you can pick one up in SL. And just like that one-time good time in RL can lead to something serious so can an SL relationship become serious. 

So what is the answer? Telling everyone--telling ourselves--"Hey! Don't do that!" Oh yeah, that'll work. Look. Let's face it. There is a huge divorce rate in this country. And why? Because Americans throw something out and get a new one when it doesn't work anymore. Here's a notion. Maybe the SL relationship can save the RL one that isn't working? Don't get enough sex at home? Have an affair or hire an escort in SL. No diseases, no mess, not expensive, not illegal. But don't expect a full time SL relationship AND a full time RL one. I'm not saying you can't have both--just that you have to be able to balance what you want with what you can realistically have. And be really sure, if you find you have to choose between the two, you are making the right choice--in full understanding of the effects of your choices on you, on the people in your real life, and on your SL lovers.

Song du Jour: Damien Rice: "Delicate"

We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate

So why'd you fill my sorrows
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why'd ya sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?

We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate

So why'd you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place that you've known
And why'd you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?

And why'd you fill my sorrows
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place that you've known
Why'd you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?

Song du jour: "Possession" by Sarah McLachlan

A song for my Obsession....

Places in Second Life: Crescent Museum, guest post by Jhai Thorne

There are many galleries and museums in SL, but none that boasts such a rich history as the Crescent Moon Museum in FairChang Village. Owned and run by Tayzia Abbatoir, this museum has some of the most unique examples of the kind of art that is NPIRL (not possible in real life) and in such a large collection that the displays are changed on a bi-weekly basis. The Crescent Moon is also the oldest museum in SL dating back to 2004, when Ms. Abbatoir began collecting the works of the infamous builder Starax Statosky. Since August of 2007 is has been housed on FairChang Island in a grand ballroom build by Random Calliope, the famous jewelry designer who has placed his well-known Mata Hari's Jewelry Quest there.

When I visited the museum recently I was delighted by the wit of some of the exhibits, such as the multi-figured "Primolution" showing the evolution from prim to avatar by Stella Costello, and the ever-changing metallic puzzle, "Tricky #1, by Yoa Ogee, or the amusingly morose figure of "Sad Bob" by Red Levitt. By far, however, my favorite pieces on display were the series of Top Hats by Spiral Walcher. Each of these delightful whimsies is a tiny world of its own complete with a miniscule three-dimensional dioramic scene built inside. You can find everything in these hats from a factory complete with steampipes to a dinner table set in a wheat field.

Of course anyone who has toured the museum could not resist taking the Mata Hari jewelry challenge, and I am no exception. The challenge begins with a box on the mantelpiece over the fireplace. In the memorabilia box the quester will find many interesting photos and unsent postcards, notes from Margarete to Random, and a seashell brooch. You must read all the notecards and discover the tragic tale of unfullfilled romance of Random and the entertainer known as Mata Hari. Mr. Calliope has based this quest very cleverly on the story of the real Mata Hari, Margarete Zelle, who was shot by the French as a spy in October of 1917. Be careful when you try this challenge, Dear Readers, not to dismiss any detail you uncover as insignificant! Random Calliope has demonstrated not only a brilliant imagination here, but also that he has a remarkably romantic soul.
I was very fortunate while embarking on the challenge to encounter an attractive, albeit somewhat mysterious, man--a fellow quester who very helpfully demonstrated just how Random Calliope kissed Margarete after her performance in his ballroom, the current home of the Crescent Museum. This . . . um . . . kind gesture on his part led me to find the ring as well as the first few clues. Armed with that information I intend to pursue to the end this quest to find Margarete's jewelry and to, perhaps, meet my charming fellow quester once more. I shall endeavor to keep you posted on my . . . um . . . further adventures there.

In the meantime, take a trip yourselves to FairChang Island and discover the Crescent Museum, a place where so much of what is best about Second Life--art, music, dance, creativity, and romance--can be found.

The Carnival is in Town: Soup to Nuts a Blog Carnival Progressive Dinner!

You Are Invited To The Blogosphere's Only Progressive Dinner Carnival

I've been involved in a Blog Carnival before, but now there is something new out there in the Blogosphere! Have you ever been to a progressive dinner? You start out at one house or restaurant to have hors d'oeuvres and cocktails, then move on to a different one for appetizers, and continue moving from place to place all the way through dessert!

That's the idea behind a brand new "Progressive Dinner Blog Carnival" . . .

. . . Soup To Nuts is ONE BLOG CARNIVAL presented in five "courses," each with a different host! So, care to join me for dinner?

Dinner will be served on Wednesday, January 30th.

• The Hors d'oeuvres & Cocktails will be served at Fear and Loathing - The Gonzo Papers.
• For Appetizers we will move over to Change Therapy
• Then the First Course will be served at Fallen Words
• For the Main Course we visit Anja Merret - Chatting To My Generation.
• And finally Dessert will be served at Fiction Scribe.

This is quite a one of a kind Blog Carnival! Many kudos to Kilroy (*Tsai blows him a kiss!*) for setting it all up! He purposefully chose five blogs to host the dinner that would each get different organic traffic. If you migrate through each of the five courses it will be unlike any other blog carnival you’ve ever done. What a great way to "taste" the internet and the blogging comunity!

Want to participate? You can submit one post, per blog, on any subject (please do not use any post more than once).

The Rules are simple:

1. Only English language posts will be accepted.
2. No posts with titles that include profanity or pictures of a sexual nature.

You can participate in 1, 2, 3, 4 or all 5 courses:

• Use "Progressive Dinner" as the subject line.
• Email your entry for the hors d'oeuvres & cocktails to Kilroy at: kilroy60@gmail.com .
• Email your entry for the appetizer course to Isabella at: moritherapy@shaw.ca
• Email your entry for the first course to Sara at: ilovetowriteSMP@yahoo.com
• Email your entry for the main courseto Anja at: anja@hqlondon.net
• Email your entry for the dessert courseto Jaime at: sylver1@tpg.com.au

Your Entry post should include:

• Your name as you want it to appear
• The name(s) of your blog(s)
• The corresponding URL(s)
• The title of your post(s)
• The corresponding URL(s)

This is a fabulous way to meet other travelers in the Blogosphere! So don't miss it!

SL Sociology 101 by Corwyn Allen

[The following is an article written by an RL friend of mine who has recently discovered SL and who, familiar with the many masks of role-play, has taken a close look at what he sees in the world of SL fantasy. --Tsai]

All the World’s a Stage

So here I am, chatting up this lovely young avatar in Second Life, telling her how I’m going to eventually buy some land and start building a place of my own when she asks me, “So what will you be role-playing?” I had to take a long pause. I’d never heard that question asked in SL. Granted, I’ve only been playing a scant few months, but still, it’s not even a question I’d asked myself. Why? Because to me SL *is* role-playing. I mean, here we are, taking new names, creating new bodies for our avatars, and putting on clothing (or in some cases taking it off) that we’d never be able to wear in Real Life (RL from here on out). We’re creating characters that are sometimes extensions of how we see ourselves in our minds' eye, and sometimes characters that are so far away from who we are as to be completely unrecognizable by even the creators of that character. Then we create personal spaces, homes that are castles or pagodas, or high rise apartment buildings, sometimes even floating in the sky. And let’s not forget the virtual sex. It turns phone sex into a cheap date. Now if that isn’t role-playing, I’m not sure I know what is. To me, all of SL is role-playing no matter what you personally do with it.

You Can Lead a Horticulture…

I guess that needs clarification. There are many more different cultures in SL than one can ever find outside of science fiction or fantasy novels in RL. There are of course those that spill over from RL, the Goths, the Vampires, the Furries and others who inhabit Sci-Fi Cons (science fiction conventions to the initiated). These people create their own spaces and avatars that emulate what they do to a lesser degree in RL. The Nekos, or Cat People, are one example. These folks create avatars that look like Anime humanoid cats. I have seen examples of people in RL getting piercings and tattoos and even skin implants to emulate given animals, like one man who had implants put into his upper lip so he could attach cat whiskers, and then got cat’s eye contact lenses and wears ears and fur and cat makeup. And a guy who got an all body tattoo to resemble lizard scales and skin implants to make his head more lizard-like. These are considered extreme in RL, but in SL it’s all par for the course because the ears, whiskers, and even tails become part of your SL body. And you don’t need to mutilate your RL body to do it. In fact you can change your body any time you want. I only wish I had the physique in RL that I have given myself in SL. Woo-hoo!

Tripping the Light Fantasia

But let’s not forget the folks who just go for a relatively normal appearance. Ok, so there’s nothing “normal” about everyone looking like they just stepped out of Cosmo or Today’s Man, but that’s not the point. No one in SL, at least no one I’ve yet encountered, ever builds an avatar that looks enough like themselves in RL that you could put their RL picture up next to their SL picture and not be able to tell them apart. They want an idealized version of themselves. So even if they don’t go Goth or Neko or LGM from outer space they’re still a fantasy character.

So what does that mean? It means that we’re here for the fantasy. We can do things in SL we can’t do in RL. I’d love to be able to fly without having to use an airplane or even have wings. I’d love to be able to teleport from one place to another. But more than that, I’d love to be able to chat up or flirt with a pretty young woman I’ve never met without fear of getting hit with a sexual harassment suit, or just plain hit. (Ow!) But it’s even more than that. We’re here for the relationships. So let’s talk about that.

There are all kinds of things one can do in SL with a partner (or partners if that’s your thing). From simple cuddling on some cushions, to dancing to . . . well, you get the idea. And there are graphic, um, aids, that can enhance these experiences. And this leads to arousal of varying degrees in RL. I have to admit to feeling aroused while slow dancing with a pretty avatar. Just watching the avatars interact can be very stimulating. And once you get to intimate chatting with your partner the experience increases.

Only the Lonely?

So why do we come to SL to do this? I think because in many cases we simply can’t do it in RL. Oh sure, we might be able to if the opportunity presented itself, but that’s the point. For some people that opportunity is not going to present itself in RL for a variety of reasons. One person may not be what is considered physically attractive. Another may have the social skills of a goat. Yet another may simply be afraid of social encounters. But in SL you can find those opportunities in wild abundance. The chances for casually intimate (no, that’s not an oxymoron) relationships in SL are as abundant as wild flowers in a spring meadow. Let’s revisit the avatar’s appearance for a minute. Someone is going to build the most attractive avatar for themselves that they can. They've created a flower to attract butterflies. In RL they may not be that pretty flower and the people they would want to attract in RL wouldn’t give them the time of day. But in SL it’s easy. And once people come up to you or allow you to approach them the door is open to further social interaction.

But it’s not all about the appearance. That’s just the initial attractor. Remember I said that our characters are extensions of our RL selves. How we physically see ourselves in our own minds. So once the initial virtual pheromone has been sent out by way of the appearance of the avi (short for avatar) one now has to introduce the persona. We have to speak and act a certain way in order to maintain the attractiveness. Some personae, once they open their virtual mouths immediately turn other persons off no matter how attractive they are (gee, just like in RL). Still others have a way with words that enhance the visual attractiveness. This is what I call the Romance Factor.

Romancing the Grid

I think we are all looking for romance in one form or another. For some romance can take the form of the casual liaison or even just sex, virtual or otherwise (I have to pause here and quote a favorite writer, Spider Robinson, who had one of his characters comment on making love vs. just plain having sex as saying, “I tried fucking. There’s nothing wrong with it. There’s just not enough right with it”). For others it’s all about how the person you’re with makes you feel by what they say to you and how they phrase it. Some people in SL are looking for a girlfriend or boyfriend that they can’t manage to find in RL. Someone who makes them feel special or cherished. They come to SL because they’re lonely and need that romantic lift in their lives. They need to be able to speak openly and freely without fear of the consequences or repercussions one might encounter in RL. Some want to have multiple and varied partners perhaps because they don’t want to be tied to one avi or because their own fantasies cover different venues, one time being an elegant Regency Period gentleman, the next a Medieval Lord or a Harley Biker with a jet pack. The roles can change in SL. They don’t have to be static. And so the Romance Factor is further enhanced.

Lookin’ for Love in all the Virtual Spaces

We must, however be sure not to confuse virtual romance with real love. And of course that brings us to an interesting question. Just what is love and how does it equate through feeling romantic in a game? I’m not sure I know the answer to that. (Anyone? Bueller?) I think there is a danger of “falling in love” with an avatar as opposed to the persona behind the avatar. I’ve known at least one real person who has come to love an SL persona, but their relationship, while totally electronic (they live in different part of the country and have never met outside SL), has been fulfilling for both and they have related on both an SL and an RL level. This is a romance between the real people behind the personae, not just between role-played avatars or those avatars' personae.

In any case, I think one should approach SL relationships with caution. Feelings can be just as fragile in the virtual world as in the real. Be up front and be honest. You may find it’s much easier in SL than in RL. In fact, SL may actually make social interaction easier for the person who is more socially inept in RL who can interact here with people up front and honestly without being overtly offensive or worse, being terrified to act at all.

The Final Frontier

In summation, what we have is a lot of people leading dull, dreary, lonely or just plain uninteresting Real Lives looking for the excitement of romance in a personally tailored Second Life. But unlike RL, in SL you can put less in and get more out of it. But of course SL isn’t inhabited by only those looking for romance. A good time can be had by all, and that good time varies with personal interests. The intent of this article is to only focus on the role-playing and romance aspects of SL.

So at the end of the day we find ourselves drawn to our fantasies, be they bodice-ripping romance novels, a favorite television show in which we become invested in the characters on the screen, or Second Life. The real world around is vast, but at the same time too constricting. We must obey the laws, whether of physics or of government. We must be aware that in RL one person’s charming conversation is another person’s sexist or racist remark. If you bump into someone you should ask their pardon, and you can’t walk under water. But in SL, if at first you don’t succeed, redraw your avi and start again. No one is going to have you arrested, or sent to court and fined, and the worst that can happen is that you can get booted off SL for abuse (see their terms of agreement). You can do a lot with SL as long as you remember it’s only a role-playing fantasy and RL is still out there waiting for you to get up on Monday morning and go to work so you can continue to pay for your SL account and Internet access. Just a final word of caution; be careful about letting your SL spill over into your RL. That man you’re kissing may just turn out to be a woman.

The SL-Babe Strikes Again!

Remember a week or so ago when I told you that SL Babes picked up one of my photos from Flickr? Well, yours truly has again made the pages of the best Babes website ever! This time in a bikini. . . .
So if you love me (and I hope you do) you'll head on over to SL-Babes and vote for my photo!

And while you are cruisin' their site you can also vote for other hot babes you like too! Some of my favorites are: a dreamy Cleopatra with whom I am sharing the front page today, my friend Callie looking sexy at a haunted house, a beautifully lit blonde on a chair, a tattoed Samurai girl, a dark-haired babe with a great ass and a jeweled outfit to die for, and a great boudoir scene!

You can also vote for my other photos there if you feel the urge. . . .


Chilling in the Kamasutra Temple,

Dancing at Blue Noise,

or at home playing games.
And to all of you who've voted for me already. . . (blows you a kiss) Smooch!

Gorgeous Blonde Tsai with G-String Playing Chess to Win

You may have noticed that I have a Picasa web album (that little scrolling slide show to your right?) Well, I also regularly post some of my photos to groups I belong to in Flickr. Today this photo got picked up by the website SL-Babes!

And I got this sweet message from Angelus: "This wonderful Picture was added to SL Babes - The finest Babes and virtual Women from Second Life. Please post your best SL Babes Snapshots to www.flickr.com/groups/sl-babes/." (Tsai blows a kiss to Angelus!)

So now if you all head on over to SL-Babes at http://www.sl-babes.com/2008-01-03/gorgeous-blond-tsai-with-g-string-playing-chess-to-win/ you can vote for my pic! Vote for the other hot babes you like there, too. There are some pretty gorgeous chicks and some fantastic photographers in SL!

For those of you who are interested in such things:

The dress is "Maia Rose" from Deadly Nightshade by Jennyfur Peregrine
The necklace is “Soulmate Locket Choker” From Isle of Mists by Ashira Legien
The thigh high boots are from DE Designs
The thong is “Black Lace” by Domino Fashions
The game table and chairs are from Bird of Prey by Draven Sautereau

A Lazy Happy Birthday

Today is my Birthday! I was born in the year of the Dragon, the month of Capricorn. That makes me assertive and outspoken, obsessively organized, with the desire to always be in control. Having both earth and water in my signs I also have a deep desire to give pleasure to others. . . . (Hmmm. That may explain my Second Life in a nutshell!)

So what makes for an ideal birthday for me? I'd like to lounge around, maybe reading a good book (the Kamasutra? the Tao of Love & Sex?), or maybe cuddling with a lover. Later tonight maybe some dancing and flirting at Blue Noise or Lotus Moon, my two favorite clubs. Speaking of lovers, the red pavillion above was a gift from a lover, as was the lovely jewelry from the Isle of Mists in the picture below.

Here are some fun facts I just recently discovered. I was born on a Sunday (do you know the children's rhyme about days of the week?) which means I am both happy and very social (duh!). I was born in the Egyptian month of Famenoth, the third month of the season of Poret (the Emergence month of the Fertile Soil season). On the day I was born the moon was waxing gibbous or almost but not quite full--easily seen in the daytime and shining brightly at night (much like me). My ruling planet is Saturn (the only planet with rings. . . Yeah! Bling!)

For a whole bunch of fun facts about your own birthday check Paul Sadowski's Birthday Calculator! And, hey! . . . if you happen to be in-world tonight, look me up for a birthday kiss!

Communication Rules: The Trouble with Text or What I Have Learned the Hard Way

George Bernard Shaw once said: "The greatest problem in communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished." And this is doubly true in Second Life where so much is dependant on the use of Chat, a minimalist mode of expression at best, as the main form of communication. Add to that the emotional connections that take place in SL (whether casual sex, true love, the SL effect, or a combination of these) and you have a recipe for disasters.

The problem is that for many people relationships formed in SL are transitory, easily discarded if they don't fulfill the immediate needs or desires of the individuals involved. Understand here that I am not saying there is anything wrong with one-night stands, just that the information that you are only interested in those fleeting transitory relationships needs to be said up front in an SL encounter. Good communication early on saves us from hurt later.

Here are some simple rules for chat communication in SL:

1. Stay aware of the flow of the conversation. Often in chat the response comes 2 lines down in the text block. Quite often the line that immediately follows someone's statement is not the response to that statement, but a response to something said one comment further up the chain. If it feels funny it probably is and you are mishearing what your partner said. Repeat the question, ask for clarification. Yes, that takes extra time, but being sure you are both on the same page is well worth it.

2. Don't let your own agenda get in the way of listening. We often get so busy prepping and thinking of what we will say next, that we aren't listening to what the other person is actually saying. Pay attention as you type to the lines of text the other person is interjecting. If you have turned off the typing animation (as so many of us have because it is annoying) you may not even be aware when your partner is speaking. You do have to look up from the keyboard and read as well as type.

3. Ask questions, listen to the answers. Be patient. Don't be in such a hurry that you run over your partner's conversation. Remember that listening to what the fellow you are chatting up has to say is the best way to get to know him. There is nothing that will turn a man off faster than you nattering at him without listening to what he has to say, or continually talking about yourself without asking him abut himself. You know that pleasantry: "How are you?" Don't just throw it around, use it intentionally. Ask the questions and wait for a real response.


4. Indicate your real emotions. Like email, IM is void of emotion. Sarcasm can easily be misconstrued as anger, teasing as annoyance. To keep straight the subtle nuances of text speech use IM acronyms to show when you find things funny (LOL, LMAO, ROTFL), to show you are happy (VBG) or to show when you are annoyed (AAK, WTF, EOC). A technique frequently used in SL is to give body language cues in text with asterisks (*raises one eyebrow* ) or brackets ( <> ). Unique to SL is the use of "/me" to demonstrate action. For instance, in the chat line if I were to type "/me blows you a kiss" you would see "Tsai Jie blows you a kiss"--the "/me" is just a channel command to insert the name of the speaker allowing you to perform an action without the colon that would otherwise be between your name and your words. The more "body language" you add to your chat the better able your readers will be at interpreting your real meanings.

5. Be patient. IM moves at the speed of the slowest typist. If you are a speed typist and your partner is slow, you will need to be patient. If you are the slow one try breaking your text into smaller bits . . . shorter phrases . . . use ellipses to indicate that . . . you are not done speaking yet . . . and a period to show when you are done. Or just go to voice chat.

Communication is the basis of all human relationships. In SL as in RL romances, good and honest communication is the key to making it work!

A Quote for Under the Mistletoe: Mae West

"I have found men who didn't know how to kiss. I've always found time to teach them." --Mae West

On Getting Married in Second Life: Part 2, The Day

So here it is, my friend's big day, and I gotta say that even if I am not fond of weddings I have been looking forward to this (despite having to wear pink). I'm looking at it as a sort of a cross between social engagement and sociology research. We have been instructed by the Wedding Planner (read "Wedding Nazi," the Barbie doll from last night's fracas) to be at the Chapel promptly one half hour early. I arrive on time with the friend who is giving the bride away, the DJ is there, too, and with in a few minutes the groom and the best man arrive. The bride is within teleport distance for quick arrival at the appropriate moment. And then the Wedding-Nazi shows. I am beginning to suspect dramatic entrances are her best (or only) trick. At least she is wearing a skirt that covers her ass today.

She gets up a group IM conference to give up our instructions and cues (so what was the purpose of that rehearsal last night then, huh?), and she begins role call. "Is the bridesmaid here?" Hello! Right in front of you! "Where's the best man?" Hello again, right in front of you! "The groom? Speak up! Tell me if you are here!" He is also in front of her. I begin to suspect a vision problem. The bride accidentally loses connection to the group conference and the Wedding-Nazi informs all of us as she "slaps the nervous bride" (Slaps! No shit!).

Meanwhile an early guest who's profile proclaims her to be a Model/Porn Star (and which says "Just IM me if you want any of those things") can't seem to find her way out of the aisle and to a seat. Or it may be that she was too distracted trying to pick up the friend who is standing in for "father of the bride" (aka the FOTB). At this point Barbie the WN tells the bride and groom they will have to shout during the ceremony because the back row (where no one but the DJ is sitting) is out of chat range (so, like the DJ couldn't move up a row?). Promptly on the hour, even though not all the guests are here and the ones who are are still milling about and not sitting down, the DJ cues the wedding march and it is GO, GO, GO!

The ceremony is mostly cool. Guests wander in and take seats. There is a slow moment when the best man can't find his pose ball, and the groom has forgotten to change his group tag, so we have a Bride & Social Worker--which I think is kinda cute in a semi-surreal way. The WN now in her role as minister SHOUTS the service and a lot of stuff about God and Faith and True Love and The Institution of Marriage, and I begin to wonder if someone should remind her we are a bunch of cartoons in a fake world here, but I decide to let my inner Daoist just take it all in stride. I do have to pause and wonder when she does the "in sickness and in health part" (I just keep seeing some SL bride saying "Yes, dear, I still love your avatar even though he is now grossly deformed by the pox"). But the Bride and Groom/Social Worker seem happy and that is what counts.

Then there are rings and the "Man & Wife Pronouncement" and Voila--they are kissing. For like forever. And whispering sweet endearments to each other. But the Wedding Nazi is insistent--it is photo time. There are pose balls for this, too. And it is "line up" and "not there, over there" and much snapping of photos (3000 Lindens for 10 professionally taken pics). The best man has booked already, so the FOTB has to get in the pictures. Next it is across a little bridge to the reception area.

"First we must cut the cake!" yells the Barbie the WN, who is for some reason is still shouting. "Smear it on each other," she instructs the happy couple. (First "Slap," now "Smear"? Truly charming . . . Not.) The wedding guest model/porn star wants to dance with the FOTB and is loudly announcing to the crowd that she's three weeks pregnant. "Can you see the bump?" she asks all and sundry. Oh goodie, a PPSM (pregnant porn star model)!

And then we have to toast. "Touch the champaign bucket!" Barbie insists. I pick up my glass of champagne and refrain from correcting either her spelling or her manners. But I am having a good time dissing this WN in IM with the FOTB who has managed to escape the clutches of the PPSM (you are following all this alphabet soup, right?). Then there is also a flinging of the garter. Well, at least there would have been one anyway, had the animations done their job like good little animations should. And finally it is time for Barbie-doll-the-Wedding-Nazi to leave. "Don't forget to show your appreciation at the tip jars," she tells everyone (I have counted 3 for her and 1 for the DJ), and it's kiss-kiss and she's gone.

The bride and groom mingle and chat with the guests. I dance and flirt heavily with the very handsome FOTB (and shortly after that we wandered off together for more "intimate" dancing). The remainder of the evening being left to one very happy couple and their happily partying friends. All in all, an interesting experience. (Do you know the ancient Chinese curse that goes "May you live in interesting times"?)

Friday's Song: "It Won't Rain All the Time" by Jane Silberry

We walked the narrow path,
beneath the smoking skies.
Sometimes you can barely tell the difference
between darkness and light.
Do you have faith
in what we believe?
The truest test is when we cannot,
when we cannot see. . . .

. . . Oh, when I'm lonely,
I lie awake at night
and I wish you were here.
I miss you.
Can you tell me
is there something more to believe in?
Or is this all there is?

. . . Last night I had a dream.
You came into my room,
you took me into your arms,
whispering and kissing me,
and telling me to still believe--
but then the emptiness of a burning sea
against which we sail
our darkest of sadnesses--
until I felt safe and warm.
I fell asleep in your arms.

When I awoke I cried again for you were gone.
Oh, can you hear me?

Reflections: a spot for Romance and Rendezvous beside Waterfalls

You may have noticed by now I have a thing for waterfalls. The latest discovery in my endless quest for waterfalls is Midnight Reflections, a beautiful sim with some of the loveliest waterfalls in SL.



Midnight Reflections also has the some of the largest waterfalls I have seen in SL so far. (See that tiny white figure on the bridge? That's me!)



But follow the paths here and you'll more than great scenery. There are kissing and dancing and cuddling balls. Turn a corner and you may find a tiny pool where you can sit by a campfire and reflect on your love life or port your lover in for sexcapades on a fur throw in hidden grotto.









Part of a series of several side-by-side sims which include Eternal Reflections (with a great dance club), Fallen Reflections (have dinner with your sweetie), Secret Reflections (long walkways and hidden nooks for necking), and Image Reflections (with a mall! what would SL be without shopping?), Midnight Reflections and it's sister sims offers all the romantic getaway nooks that you could ever need.

SL and RL: Where They Touch and Where They Collide

Funny thing about having a Second Life is that it can be so much like all the good parts of Real Life (tm) without the negatives. In both there can be dancing and sightseeing, sporting events, movies, books, concerts, there are good friends and good conversation, and there is flirting and romance and even sex.

But in SL there are no dishes to do, no laundry or cleaning, no house painting (unless you count building textures), and landscaping and repairs don't involve getting messy or dirty or tired or sore. No one has to make the bed. Taking out the trash is just a click of a button. In SL with the right partner there can be very good sex--even if it is in the form of mutual masturbation.

One of the most obvious things most people notice right away about SL is that, although it removes the bumps and discomforts of RL, it also has it's own brand of limitations. In SL I can fly, in RL I am afraid of heights; in SL I can breathe underwater, in RL I can't even swim; but in RL I am an excellent dancer, have been a professional bellydancer, in SL (and for me here is one of the disappointments of SL) I am frustrated by the limitations of what a script, a dance pole, or a poseball will let me do.

SL relationships also suffer from similar deprivations. The lovely folks at Xcite! and Strokerz have given us virtual genitalia, love animations, and sex toys. Those things, together with a sexually experienced partner who has good narrative skills, can be very stimulating, but there is one significant element missing. Human touch. The feel of your lover's hands running over your flesh. The touch of your lover's mouth on yours. The soft, salty taste of skin. The sweet hot pleasure of penetration. These are things that cannot be replaced by virtual games. Or can they?

Now there are people working on the technology to provide some of that. Believe it or not, this is a serious field of technology which is called "Teledildonics." Now you can buy a kissing phone that will give you a kiss matching the kiss of your lover on the other end. You can get a shirt that allows you to feel hugs from your distant partner. And (no shit!) there are electronic vaginas and penises through which you can stimulate each other to orgasm!

doubt that anything will ever replace the desire for real human touch, and I am sure most of us don't have the funds to invest in an arsenal of electronic devices. But there is a trend for relationships begun in SL to escalate to higher and higher levels, including spilling over to RL, and maybe this sort of electronic toy is the answer to keeping your RL and SL from overlapping or worse from colliding.

Now I am not saying you shouldn't mix SL with RL, that is of course a personal choice. The difficulty is making that choice reasonably and rationally, and--being human and fallible--if we aren't careful we can make choices that affect us or our RL loved ones badly.

The press is full of articles that bash Internet relationships. There was the story of the fellow who spends nearly 20 hours a day in SL neglecting his real wife for his SL wife. Even if you are single you can make choices that turn out badly, like the chick whose ex-online lover killed himself leaving her with no closure, or the one who is moving to the city of her Internet pal but fears becoming a homewrecker. And, when online lovers do meet, there is the issue of possibly spreading sexually transmitted diseases from meeting online partners for a quick tryst in RL.

What we never seem to hear about in the news are the many couples that meet online and then succeed in establishing solid RL relationships. I can think of a half dozen among my friends and acquaintances in SL alone. In an SL interview with Reuters SL News Center, Internet entrepreneur Arianna Huffington has even noted that:

A lot of people who want to explore different possibilities, they can now do it in Second Life instead of, say, leaving their wife—fulfilling some other fantasy. Why not experiment? I think Second Life will save marriages.

And she may be right. While many people push the online envelope into their real life, there are many more who are perfectly happy having their cake in SL and eating it in RL, too--taking the stimulation they feel by sex in SL back into improving their real live relationships and experiencing with their real partners that experimentation they have been able to explore online in a safe environment first.

So once again it all boils down to choices. Have SL sex? Why not. It is safe and it can be fun. Is it cheating if you are already RL married or committed?--only you (and your partners) can decide that. (Hell, I have one RL girlfriend who considers her BF looking at porn magazines a form of cheating.)

Should you meet that online partner in RL? Now you need to slow down and think it through. There are a whole lot of "what ifs" to consider. If you are committed in RL will it hurt that relationship? Maybe a Same Time Next Year scenerio will hurt neither of you, but what if one of you wants more and the other doesn't? What will you do if you don't like the real person as much as you do the avatar? If he/she finds you unattractive in RL? Or, worse, has lied about his/her real self? These are things to consider before you let that second life collide with your real one.

The bottom line is that there are many wonderful things about Second Life worth exploring and enjoying--especially safe virtual sex--without worrying about how much better it could be in RL. Maybe we need to take each for what it is worth. Enjoy RL for RL's sake, and enjoy SL for SL's sake. I can dance in SL for or with a partner and enjoy it for what it is--virtual communication. And I can dance in RL with or without a partner and enjoy it for the exercise of my talent as well as the potential for human touch. These worlds may touch for me someday if I find the right partner to dance with in both--and I do mean "dance," in the ballroom and in the bedroom, with a partner who I trust in both RL and SL.

On the other hand, unless it is right for both of us, these worlds may forever stay separate. It really doesn't matter as long as I make the choices wisely. In the meantime I intend to enjoy each venue for all it has to offer.

She Comes First: Oral Sex Tips for Men

The article below, "She Comes First," was posted on AskMen.Com as part of their guest authors weekly features. I stumbled across it this morning and decided it was worth sharing with all you Second Life Lovers who may be wondering how to describe your oral sex technique to your girl, or how to tell your guy what you want. I can say from experience that any man who can do this, in real or virtual sex, is worth hanging on to. Just reading this made me hot, made me think about the men I love, and got my juices flowing. <wink> So read on, gentlemen, and be sure to use these tips next time you go down on your lady whether in SL or in RL.

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In this excerpt from She Comes First, author Ian Kerner stresses the importance of the first few touches when it comes to pleasing your lady, and how a good "first impression" will dictate how the rest of the oral sex session goes.

The approach
Never underestimate the power of first impressions, especially the impression of your lips against her vulva. This first kiss atop a woman's vulva is often the most exquisite of all possible kisses and can literally take her breath away.Approach the first kiss as an event, as though tasting the first sip of an expensive bottle of wine that you've been saving for that special occasion. Don't just pop off the cork and start swigging: Let it breathe, sniff and savor the bouquet, admire the body, note the complexion and tone, and then, finally, take that much-anticipated first sip. Allow yourself to appreciate the full experience.

Run your fingers gently through her pubic hair.

Be sure to tease her amply. Kiss her softly on the inner thigh, as well as the smooth skin adjoining her vulva. Kiss her with little, succulent smacks (lips pursed, no tongue) on her inner and outer lips, or even on the top of the head. Make sure that your first kiss is less about direct contact with the clitoris and more about appreciating the entire genital area.
Breathe hotly on her vulva.

Blow, ever so gently, on her clitoral head.

If she's still wearing her panties, kiss her through them. Then delicately peel them to the side to reveal the glistening wet vulva.
Caution: Never, under any circumstances, blow into a woman's vagina as though trying to fill it with air. Doing so is seriously dangerous. Blowing into a woman's vagina may cause an embolism and lead to death. Breathe on her; blow lightly on her; never blow into her.

The moment before
Before you move in for the first kiss, take a moment to acknowledge the presence of the vulva: your partner in pleasure. Prepare yourself mentally for the experience ahead. Remind yourself that you are there to lead her steadfastly through the process of sexual response to orgasm.

And now it's time for the kiss...

This is a great time to remind her of the Three Assurances:

• Going down on her turns you on; you enjoy it as much as she does.
• There's no rush; she has all the time in the world. You want to savor every moment.
• Her scent is provocative, her taste powerful: It all emanates from the same beautiful essence.

Like a guest arriving at a much-anticipated dinner party, let your hostess know how excited you are to be there, how beautiful she looks, and how much you're looking forward to the meal ahead. Put her at ease.Tease her, taunt her, tantalize--make her think she's not ever going to get it, ever, and then, just when she's on the brink of utter madness, give it to her.

The kiss
Make your first lick a slow and tender "ice cream" lick from bottom to top. Make it long and lasting. Take it all in.

Start at the base of her vaginal entrance, the fourchette, and work your way up.

Take in the full length of her labia minora (inner lips) and let your tongue rest briefly against her frenulum, the area just under the clitoral head.

As you go over the head, brush it lightly as a feather, and then proceed to her front commissure (the area just above the head).

Push down on her front commissure with the tip of your tongue and feel the sinewy clitoral shaft beneath it.

As you kiss her slowly from top to bottom, press your finger lightly against her perineum (the expanse of skin just below her vaginal entrance).

When you lick the full span of her vaginal entrance, place your hand atop her mons pubis and nudge it gently toward her abdomen. This will stretch the skin and tighten her vaginal entrance, enabling you to lushly encompass her sensitive inner labia as you lick.

As an alternative to the standard position, grab hold of her upper thighs prior to the first kiss and pivot her legs up into the air so that only her butt is touching the bed and her vulva is completely exposed.

No matter what your approach, take it long and slow, from bottom to top, and savor every step of the journey. Now that you've lavished her with the first kiss (that long full lick), let your tongue rest flat against the length of her vaginal entrance. Encompass her vulva with your tongue. Take a moment to let the experience of the first kiss resonate.

Make sure it's love at first lick.

A Quote du Jour: Neil Gaiman

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build all these defenses. You build up a whole suit of armor so that nothing can hurt you. Then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you."

Dessert First

You are intent on the computer, checking your email, planning the day. . . you never even hear her come in the room until she says, "Hey you . . ."

On the tray she holds there are two cups and a pot of steaming coffee--Mocca Java by the scent that fills the room--and a glass plate holding a couple of chocolate éclairs. You push back your chair from the desk and she curls in your lap like a cat. Snuggles her face in your neck and begins kissing you softly. . . small kisses that trail down the line of your shoulder, your collarbone, then up your jawline to your mouth. "Hungry?" she asks with a mischievous smile. “Want some dessert?”

She reaches for an éclair, runs her tongue over the top, licking off the chocolate surface, then she turns back to you and, with one hand on the back of your neck pulling your face to hers, kisses you deeply passionately—a long, slow chocolate flavored dance of tongue on tongue. She pulls away and as you reach for her, she lifts the éclair to her mouth. She nibbles off the tip of the éclair, murmuring a soft “Mmmmm,” and you watch fascinated as her tongue, pink and wet, laps into the creamy filling. She scoops a bit of that creamy center on her tongue and leaning closer slides her tongue in your mouth. As she pulls back she whispers, “You want some of this?”

Your arms around her, your hands on her hips, you can only watch as she dips her tongue in the cream of the éclair again and again. Then she slides the end of it in her mouth, slides it in and pulls it back out. Slides it in again and sucks hard. She bites and chews and then grins wickedly at you. You see a tiny bit of the cream on the corner of her mouth and lean in to lick it off with your tongue. “Tasty,” you tell her. She finishes off her éclair with slow and deliberate bites. You watch her run her tongue around her lips. As she snuggles in closer and slowly runs her tongue across your lower lip, you are aware of an uncomfortable tightening of your jeans. So is she.

She rises, takes your hand, and pulls you out of your chair. "Let’s go have dessert first," she says, leading you to the bedroom.

Sunday Song: Nightwish "I Wish I Had an Angel"

Nightwish is a Finnish heavy metal/rock band with operatic and classical overtones. I only recently fell in love with their music, not just because of its eclectic qualities, but also for the dark beauty of these lyrics that speak of danger and desire on a muliplicity of levels.

"I wish I had an angel
For one moment of love
I wish I had your angel
Your Virgin Mary undone
I'm in love with my lust
Burning angelwings to dust
I wish I had your angel tonight...

Last dance, first kiss
Your touch my bliss
Beauty always comes with dark thoughts...."

Nighwish's lyrics are rich with religious, gothic, Tolkeinesque, and mythologic imagery. The videos are darkly compelling, often coldly graphic with a chiaroscuro lighting that makes them starkly beautiful. All in all Nightwish is reminiscent of the poetry of Baudelaire, the erotica of Anais Nin, and the cinema of Bergman. If you want to hear more of them see my YouTube playlist. Or email me and I'll send you my favorite songs.

The song for today: Fields of Gold

Can't get this song out of my head ... can't get a certain man out of my head either....

Fields of Gold by Sting

You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in the fields of gold . . .

. . . See the west wind move like a lover so
Upon the fields of barley
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
Among the fields of gold
I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in the fields of gold
We'll walk in the fields of gold . . . .