Lately I've been kissing people I'm not married to...

SL is a strange place. You can get immediately and intimately connected with people you barely know. Now I am not saying this is necessarily a bad thing, and lord knows I am not likely to give up doing so myself, but I read a post a while ago on Salon.com that reminded me of what the unintended consequences could be for SL relationships.

Salon.com has an advice column (generally witty, always interesting) written by Cary Tennis. This offering is "Lately I've been kissing women I'm not married to," a lament from a married man who finds himself wanting to act out his fantasies of making out with strangers... here's a small piece:

My situation is this: I think of myself as happily married. My wife and I have a good relationship. Our sex life is just fine. Why have I done this? My recurring fantasy is going out with a woman from work and we end up at her place after drinks, fooling around. Pretty vanilla, I know. But that's me! The situation this week followed my fantasy to a T, which I clearly found exciting. But my fantasy always goes further than what actually happened this week. I/we stopped it in its tracks because I/we knew it was wrong. But why wasn't I smart enough to stop it earlier, when we were having drinks and were both giving clear signals to each other? I would understand if I was unhappy in my marriage. That is why I find my behavior so stupid. What is my problem? 

Serial Kisser 

Dear Serial Kisser,
What is your problem? Your problem is that if you continue to kiss women you are not married to, soon you will no longer be married. That is the usual outcome with the kissing of attractive women you are not married to. You are evidently aware of this in some dim way. That would be why this hobby of yours is not bringing you unalloyed pleasure but instead a pleasure tinged with a dollop of piquant dread. . . . I mean, it's understandable what's been happening. Get a few drinks in you and you want to kiss people. It's natural. Nothing wrong with that per se, except you're married. You know the rules. You knew the rules when you signed up. Nobody forced you to sign up. You signed up on your own. There are a lot of people you don't get to kiss now. It's tough, I know. But those are the rules. 

If Cary is correct, well, there are a lot of us breaking those rules by our actions in our SL lives. So the ultimate question becomes: is having a relationship in SL a threat to an RL relationship? I personally know of at least 2 RL couples playing in SL who have come close to the brink of separation/divorce and may yet tip over it. These are RL married couples who play separately in SL and have SL relationships with SL partners other than their RL ones. And in both cases each partner has one or more SL sweetie, someone other than their RL one. It should also be said that in each case the RL relationship was in someways dysfunctional before anyone got involved with anyone else in SL.
There are also cases of people getting involved with SL partners to the exclusion and alienation of their RL spouses. An August 10, 2007 article in the Wall Street Journal, "Is this Man Cheating on his Wife?", tells the story of one guy who has in effect traded his RL for his SL, spending full days on the computer in SL with his other wife, an SL partner. Andrew Vogel's response, in his blog Spunlogic, tells us:

According to family law experts and marital counselors, though, the Hoogestraats’ deteriorating marriage is not an isolated case. The article cites that an increasing number of marriages are crumbling because of “virtual infidelity.” This begs the question, if virtual marriages are causing real life marriage trouble, are the virtual marriages all that virtual?

And there is the crux of the issue. Secondlife isn't just a game anymore. There are real people and real feelings on the other side of that avatar. Just like you can pick up a one-night stand in a bar, you can pick one up in SL. And just like that one-time good time in RL can lead to something serious so can an SL relationship become serious. 

So what is the answer? Telling everyone--telling ourselves--"Hey! Don't do that!" Oh yeah, that'll work. Look. Let's face it. There is a huge divorce rate in this country. And why? Because Americans throw something out and get a new one when it doesn't work anymore. Here's a notion. Maybe the SL relationship can save the RL one that isn't working? Don't get enough sex at home? Have an affair or hire an escort in SL. No diseases, no mess, not expensive, not illegal. But don't expect a full time SL relationship AND a full time RL one. I'm not saying you can't have both--just that you have to be able to balance what you want with what you can realistically have. And be really sure, if you find you have to choose between the two, you are making the right choice--in full understanding of the effects of your choices on you, on the people in your real life, and on your SL lovers.

Quote of the Day: Bertrand Russell on Caution

“Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.” ~~Bertrand Russell (English Logician and Philosopher 1872-1970)



Bertrand Russell was not only a man of great intellect, but also a man of great passions and Utopian vision. At seventeen he married his sweetheart Alys Pearsall Smith, despite the objections of his family, but their love did not last. He had passionate and often simultaneous affairs with a number of women, including Lady Ottoline Morrell and the actress Lady Constance Malleson. His most serious lover was Dora Black who traveled with him to Russia and China. When Dora became pregnant Russell divorced Alys and married her. Black was an advocate for women's rights and may have influenced Russell's positions on equity and social justice. She--as did so many of her generation--had realised the extent to which the laws regulating marriage contributed to women's subjugation.

In her view, only parents should be bound by a social contract, and only insofar as their cooperation was required for raising their children. Implicit was her conviction that both men and women were polygamous by nature and should therefore be free, whether married or not, to engage in sexual relationships that were based on mutual love. In this she was as much an early sexual pioneer as in her fight for women's right to information about, and free access to, birth control methods. She regarded these as essential for women to gain control over their own lives, and eventually become fully emancipated.


Black and Russell founded a school in 1927 called Beacon Hill School in which they tried to teach children to leave behind superstitions and irrational views of previous generations. Russell eventually left Black for one of his students after she had two children by one of her lover, Griffin Barry. She went on to write extensively on the right of the individual to be happy.

Russell throughout his life campaigned for human rights, social justice, peace, and nuclear disarmament. His lasting legacy as an advocate for peace is carried on by the Bertrand Russell Peace Foundation.

(information on Russell and Black excerpted from Wikipedia)

Poetry on a Daily Basis

Found this poem on Poetry Daily. Something about the imagery, and the metaphors evoked, just touches me. I remember too clearly the feel of "salt-sewn eyes." You probably do, too.

You can find the original poem in the Georgia Review.

Extra-Marital Sex is Condemned by Conservatives? Well, Duh!

I stumbled across this in the FORA playlist (something every thinking person should know about), and while the oppression of active sexuality by the conservative right is not going to come as news to most of you, this video clip is well worth watching. You go Dagmar!

Yet again, SL Divorce hits the News

My friend Corwyn sent me this piece from the London Times: Second Life affair leads to real-life divorce for David Pollard, aka Dave Barmy. Now we've all heard the stories of SL romances breaking up RL marriages, Dutch and Tenaj, Rene and Dina, but bear with me here, folks, this one has a new twist. It began in Second Life in the first place!

"David Pollard and Amy Taylor met in an online chat room in 2003 and married after discovering a shared love of the internet game Second Life. . . . The couple met in an internet chat room in May 2003 and within six months Ms. Taylor had moved from London to Mr. Pollard's flat in Newquay, Cornwall. They married at a register office in St Austell in July 2005 and held a virtual wedding for their avatars in Second Life. "

That alone would make you think that the idea of a virtual love affair should not come as a surprise to the wife here, but no.

"Ms. Taylor, 28, filed for divorce on the ground of unreasonable behaviour after her husband admitted falling in love with the virtual female character. She discovered the affair after a rare break from her computer. When she returned from a nap she caught a glimpse of her husband's avatar in a compromising position on a sofa with a female avatar."

So she goes to take a nap and hubby, who fell in love with her on-line, falls for another woman on-line. But wait, there's more. Is this the first time hubby has messed about on wifey in SL?

"Ms Taylor's suspicions were aroused in 2007 and she hired a Second Life private investigator. The virtual sleuth, called Markie MacDonald, caught Dave Barmy in flagrante and he apologised to his online and real world wives."

So as far back as 2007 he had different SL and RL wives? Do we see a pattern beginning to emerge? And what do the unhappy couple have to say about it?

"She said: 'I was so hurt. I just couldn't believe what he'd done. It's cheating as far as I'm concerned, but he didn't see it as a problem and couldn't see why I was so upset. He said I was just making a big fuss and tried to make out it was my fault for not giving him enough attention.' . . . Mr. Pollard, 40, said yesterday that his former wife was more interested in her life online than she was in him. 'If I wanted to spend time with her I had to ask.'"

You know what is really sad about this? Not that they are divorcing. But that they are sad people who both blew it. Yes, BOTH. There were expectations on each side of that relationship that were not being met. One wonders if they ever even communicated their expectations to each other.

Wake up all you lovers, RL and SL, out there. Love is NOT easy. Like anything that is worthwhile, it takes hard work. If you expect your partner (RL or SL) to spend time with you you need to get off you real (or virtual) ass and spend time with them! Make time. Go on dates, dammit. Spend a romantic evening AT LEAST once a week doing something nice for the other person. Don't just wait for them to do stuff for you! Do stuff together.

Find things you have in common. Is he a craftsman in RL or builder in SL? Girl, get him to teach you or at least be there helping him, admiring and critiquing his work! She writes? Dude, read her blog/poetry/stories and offer your advice and support! Look for ways you compliment each other and for pity sake COMPLIMENT each other! If nothing else, SL offers worlds upon worlds to explore together, and guess what . . . SO DOES RL!

You know, the sex may have been what attracted you to each other, but the connections you forge are what keeps your partner coming back for more. If there isn't more there, boys and girls, someone is gonna go looking elsewhere.

The Nuts and Bolts of being an E-wife

Yesterday I talked about a blog post someone sent me regarding the damage done to Real relationships by Virtual relationships. Not the first time someone has told me that. Usually the kind of advice I hear from people not involved in virtual relationships is something along the lines of: "If you really love him you would give him up and let him get on with his real life," or in some cases: "If you are so serious about him you should go take him away from that RL wife/GF/lover." Both of those perspective come from people who only see validity in "Reality." Sometimes a thing is neither black nor white, but some shade of grey between the two.

Today I got an email from someone who is in both a virtual relationship and a real one. In VR she has a man with whom she is carrying on a torrid love affair. In RL she loves her husband, has a baby girl, and wants more children with him. And her RL husband is a very nice, hard-working man doing his best to support her and their baby--a man who is, however, not always as available to her or romantic with her as her only-a-text-message-away e-BF. Mutually exclusive relationships? Not as much as you would think.

She began her email telling me how her e-BF had told her some secrets, secret stuff he had never shared with her before, and since she hates the whole secretiveness thing, she found herself really annoyed with him for keeping secrets in the first place. But thinking about secrets and the trading of RL info between people in a VR romance leads to another thought. Is there a "need to know" on the RL information in a VR or romance? She said:

"Then I came to a somewhat cool realization. I am his vacation girl. I am the Caribbean, where his mind wanders when the rest of his world is rainy and grey. I am not the nuts and bolts. That does not diminish what this is or how anyone feels for anyone else...it is what it is. I am not his home. His house. He is not unhappy in his life, which would change little if I were gone (not saying it wouldn't hurt). I am not here to judge. I can love him for all those things...."

She can love him for what she does have with him, because clearly she is not looking to change any RL situations, his or hers. He can't be what the RL husband can be, the man with whom she has daily conversations about all the nuts and bolts of living. The diapers, the dinner, paying the bills, but also about having babies and building a life. But her virtual BF can be, as she is for him, the escape that keeps her going through and past the stresses of the day to day. A VR lover is the daydream you have--but an interactive daydream, with a playmate. A daydream that allows you to go home to RL and deal with the nuts and bolts.

In fact, the nuts and bolts of a virtual relationship are pretty superficial. Polite chat about your day, what is new with your RL life? Maybe--but not too much of that, probably no more than you would tell a co-worker or the mailman. More imaginative chat about places you would, go things you wish you could do? Yes, lots of trading of fantasies. And in that, a great deal of what the two of you would/could do romantically/erotically in those faraway exotic places/moments you will likely never see. Moments which spark a romantic side of you that you then take home to real life.

If you participate in a virtual world like Second Life no doubt much of your chat is also consumed by what is new in that life, not in "Real Life." There too lies fantasy. In SL there are no dirty dishes or laundry, the housekeeping is simple, messes can be deleted, and no one ever has bad breath, bed head, zits, or warts, no one snores, farts, burps, or embarrasses you in front of your mother . . . all the annoying details (nuts and bolts) of RL are just not there. Different kind of relationship entirely. One which doesn't threaten a real life relationship. . . unless you choose to let it. But that, my friends, is a different story altogether.

Where Am I Going, Where Have I Been?

It's been a while since I have blogged seriously in here. Why? RL! You know the way that real life has of getting in the way of a perfectly good second life? Mine has been doing that in spades this spring. Between classes and school, job and health issues, upheavals and changing residences, well, I fear I have had little time for the more fun aspects of being a courtesan.

To top it off, not only has real life been changing too fast for me, but so has my SL. What has been keeping me too busy there to blog? Well, having just passed my rez-day, I can say there have been a lot of changes in SL for me over the last year. Made new friends, changed jobs (no more Lotus Moon or Purfect Droom, but still can be found at Blue Noise and Escort Island), changed my look to a more photo realistic skin, bought land and now have a home (3rd incarnation thereof!) in Valis & I share it with our (yes, I said "our") small family there, and . . . brace yourselves . . . I have fallen in love.

Yes, my SL has over the last year taken a turn for the serious as well. All good mind you. . . Remember way back around a year ago when I said my life had wandered off on a tangent? Well, that was one life changing tangent . . . . The man in question is still here one year later, still together. And, lo, I find care even more deeply for him today than I thought was possible back then.

How does a fun flirtation turn into an earth-shattering romance? Is really possible to find real love in SL? I mean love that lasts and stays? I have seen couples--SL partnerships, or marriages if you will--come and go. Some in months, some in weeks, some in only a matter of days. Me, I swore I would never be tied down. Thought that whole partnership thing was a dumb idea. And yet here I am having given up all other SL lovers for the one man who makes me happy in my second life.

Want to see what the last year has been like? Here's a little video of us over the last year, a celebration of who we were and who we are now. Don't know where we are going. Don't know if we'll ever be able to balance RL and SL. Don't know what comes next, but this sure feels like forever. . . . Just gonna keep dancing my way through SL.

Famous Courtesans of History: Lalage of Rome

Homer mentioned her in an ode, saying:

"That smile so sweet, that voice so sweet,
Shall still enchant me."

Kipling dedicated an entire poem to her power over men:

It’s twenty-five marches to Narbo,

It’s forty-five more up the Rhone,

And the end may be death in the heather

Or life on an Emperor’s throne.

But whether the Eagles obey us,

Or we go to the Ravens—alone,

I’d sooner be Lalage’s lover

Than sit on an Emperor’s throne!

But who was she? Legend has it that Lalage was a courtesan of ancient Rome, a woman of beauty, wit, charm, and power in a patriarchal society. But if truth be told, no one really knows if there was a woman such as Kipling's Lalage. We do know that the ancient Greeks had a class of courtesans called hetairae, women who were not just prostitutes or ordinary paid sex workers, but rather educated and highly intellectual, and invariably foreign, women. We also know that the hetaira of Greece and Syria eventually became the meretrices of Rome. What were these women and why were they better than ordinary prostitutes?

In his Dialogues of the Courtesans, Lucian (second century AD) relates an exchange between two friends about a successful courtesan: "In the first place, she dresses attractively and looks neat; she's gay with all the men, without being so ready to cackle as you are, but smiles in a sweet bewitching way; later on, she's very clever when they're together, never cheats a visitor or an escort, and never throws herself at the men. If ever she takes a fee for going out to dinner, she doesn't drink too much--that's ridiculous, and men hate women who do--she doesn't gorge herself--that's ill-bred, my dear--but picks up the food with her finger-tips, eating quietly and not stuffing both cheeks full, and, when she drinks, she doesn't gulp, but sips slowly from time to time. . . . Also, she doesn't talk too much or make fun of any of the company, and has eyes only for her customer. These are the things that make her popular with the men. Again, when it's time for bed, she'll never do anything coarse or slovenly, but her only aim is to attract the man and make him love her; these are the things they all praise in her."

Rome made a fine art of licensed prostitution all the way up through the Renaissance. Influenced by the hetairea brought back to the city from wars, class divisions arose among the various women engaged in prostitution. According to Marcellus, "This is the difference between a meretrix [courtesan] and a prostibula [ a common streetwalker]: a meretrix is of a more honorable station and calling; for meretrices are so named a merendo (from earning wages) because they plied their calling only by night; prostibulu because they stand before the stabulum (stall) for gain both by day and night."

The courtesans of ancient Rome were real and many. Roman men turned to their slave women for basic sexual gratification, to wives to provide them with children, but it was to the courtesans, the foreign hetairea to whom they turned for comfort, companionship and, indeed, for romance. These women may have held more power through their patrons than even the matrons of Rome. And whether or not one of them named Lalage was a vision in the heart of the ordinary Roman soldier as Kipling's beautiful poem claims, there is no doubt that her trade was a thriving one with over 40 different terms for the registration of prostitution in Rome alone.

The name Lalage literally means to talk, and likely--if there was a real Lalage--it was for her mind and her conversation she was beloved, not just for her body. That, gentlemen, is all the difference between a courtesan and a prostitute.

Meeting Mr. Wrong

Last night I got IMed by a fellow I have seen a couple times over the last few weeks. He's the kind of guy who likes to push buttons by saying outrageous things and seeing how a girl will react. So invariably he asks for sex. He also always makes sure to tell me that he never, ever pays for sex, that he doesn't even tip dancers, and that he is poor and doesn't "believe" in Lindens (SL money), whatever that means. Most of the girls at the club have given up on him as a cheapskate, but he's kind of cute, charming and witty even if outrageous, and he's fun to flirt with. So when he asked me to teleport him to my place for a blow job, I tp'ed him to Blue Noise instead. We danced and flirted. Somewhere during the course of the conversation he mentioned he is married in real life. This is not something that bothers me--married or not, it is between him and his wife what he does outside of their relationship. But then he wanted to know if I was married, single, or divorced. Why did that matter, I wondered?

Now, I've given him my perspective on marriage before: It's a great institution, but who wants to be in an institution! Personally I think marriage is good for the protection of children--a safe place to grow up with 2 parents. But if you don't have kids, what is the point of tying yourself down? Most of the time in marriage it is the woman whose freedom is limited by the expectations of society ("Good girls don't") while the man can come and go and play where he pleases ("Boys will be boys").

Think about this: can you come up with one positive word that describes a sexually active woman? No! They are all negative terms. Sexually active women are called sluts, whores, skanks, and tramps. Or we are described by our genitals: cunts, beaver, poon, pussies. The only "good" adjectives to describe women and sex together imply being asexual or having our sexuality controlled by men: maiden, virgin, wife. Even terms like mistress, concubine, paramour, have a negative flavor, indicating women engaged in sex with one man outside the bounds of matrimony. And, Ladies, if you dare to expect to be paid for sex you are a prostitute, no matter how you dress it up (escort, call girl, courtesan). Now try to think of a negative term for a sexually active man--there are none. Men are studs, stallions, or players. Their sexuallity is applauded!

So maybe I shouldn't have been surprised when my friend last night said he'd be uncomfortable with his RL wife having virtual sex in SL, and yet felt fine about chasing SL "tail" himself. Later he qualified that by saying that only casual SL sex was okay, it isn't cheating since it is all a fantasy. I pointed out that there are real people here, the only thing that is a fantasy is the setting. But he was adamant. Casual fuck? Okay. Get emotionally involved in SL? That would be "an affair," thus not acceptible. He seemed pretty pleased that I wasn't looking for a relationship or marriage--that put me in the "non-affair just a fuck" category, I guess.

That was the point at which I dropped to my knees and started to give him a virtual blow job--but he stopped me. His comment was: "Oh, you are one of those!" Now what? Was he having second thoughts about "cheating"? He wanted sex? He didn't want sex? Seems he wanted to be in charge. Its okay to try to seduce a woman and talk her into sex, but if she initiates it. . . . Here's the problem. Our society doesn't expect women to be sexually active or (heaven forfend!) sexually aggressive. Despite the sexual revolution of the 1960s-70s and the ground-breaking work of researchers like Kinsey, there is still an inherently parochial, even puritan attitude about female sexuality in America. And apparently in this fellow, too. Even in SL.

On Getting Married in Second Life: Part 2, The Day

So here it is, my friend's big day, and I gotta say that even if I am not fond of weddings I have been looking forward to this (despite having to wear pink). I'm looking at it as a sort of a cross between social engagement and sociology research. We have been instructed by the Wedding Planner (read "Wedding Nazi," the Barbie doll from last night's fracas) to be at the Chapel promptly one half hour early. I arrive on time with the friend who is giving the bride away, the DJ is there, too, and with in a few minutes the groom and the best man arrive. The bride is within teleport distance for quick arrival at the appropriate moment. And then the Wedding-Nazi shows. I am beginning to suspect dramatic entrances are her best (or only) trick. At least she is wearing a skirt that covers her ass today.

She gets up a group IM conference to give up our instructions and cues (so what was the purpose of that rehearsal last night then, huh?), and she begins role call. "Is the bridesmaid here?" Hello! Right in front of you! "Where's the best man?" Hello again, right in front of you! "The groom? Speak up! Tell me if you are here!" He is also in front of her. I begin to suspect a vision problem. The bride accidentally loses connection to the group conference and the Wedding-Nazi informs all of us as she "slaps the nervous bride" (Slaps! No shit!).

Meanwhile an early guest who's profile proclaims her to be a Model/Porn Star (and which says "Just IM me if you want any of those things") can't seem to find her way out of the aisle and to a seat. Or it may be that she was too distracted trying to pick up the friend who is standing in for "father of the bride" (aka the FOTB). At this point Barbie the WN tells the bride and groom they will have to shout during the ceremony because the back row (where no one but the DJ is sitting) is out of chat range (so, like the DJ couldn't move up a row?). Promptly on the hour, even though not all the guests are here and the ones who are are still milling about and not sitting down, the DJ cues the wedding march and it is GO, GO, GO!

The ceremony is mostly cool. Guests wander in and take seats. There is a slow moment when the best man can't find his pose ball, and the groom has forgotten to change his group tag, so we have a Bride & Social Worker--which I think is kinda cute in a semi-surreal way. The WN now in her role as minister SHOUTS the service and a lot of stuff about God and Faith and True Love and The Institution of Marriage, and I begin to wonder if someone should remind her we are a bunch of cartoons in a fake world here, but I decide to let my inner Daoist just take it all in stride. I do have to pause and wonder when she does the "in sickness and in health part" (I just keep seeing some SL bride saying "Yes, dear, I still love your avatar even though he is now grossly deformed by the pox"). But the Bride and Groom/Social Worker seem happy and that is what counts.

Then there are rings and the "Man & Wife Pronouncement" and Voila--they are kissing. For like forever. And whispering sweet endearments to each other. But the Wedding Nazi is insistent--it is photo time. There are pose balls for this, too. And it is "line up" and "not there, over there" and much snapping of photos (3000 Lindens for 10 professionally taken pics). The best man has booked already, so the FOTB has to get in the pictures. Next it is across a little bridge to the reception area.

"First we must cut the cake!" yells the Barbie the WN, who is for some reason is still shouting. "Smear it on each other," she instructs the happy couple. (First "Slap," now "Smear"? Truly charming . . . Not.) The wedding guest model/porn star wants to dance with the FOTB and is loudly announcing to the crowd that she's three weeks pregnant. "Can you see the bump?" she asks all and sundry. Oh goodie, a PPSM (pregnant porn star model)!

And then we have to toast. "Touch the champaign bucket!" Barbie insists. I pick up my glass of champagne and refrain from correcting either her spelling or her manners. But I am having a good time dissing this WN in IM with the FOTB who has managed to escape the clutches of the PPSM (you are following all this alphabet soup, right?). Then there is also a flinging of the garter. Well, at least there would have been one anyway, had the animations done their job like good little animations should. And finally it is time for Barbie-doll-the-Wedding-Nazi to leave. "Don't forget to show your appreciation at the tip jars," she tells everyone (I have counted 3 for her and 1 for the DJ), and it's kiss-kiss and she's gone.

The bride and groom mingle and chat with the guests. I dance and flirt heavily with the very handsome FOTB (and shortly after that we wandered off together for more "intimate" dancing). The remainder of the evening being left to one very happy couple and their happily partying friends. All in all, an interesting experience. (Do you know the ancient Chinese curse that goes "May you live in interesting times"?)

On Getting Married in Second Life: Part 1, Rehearsing

I am having a unique experience this weekend (No, I am NOT getting SL partnered--perish the thought!), I am going to be a bridesmaid in an SL "wedding." No shit. Me who doesn't even like to go to weddings in RL! This is a favor for a friend of a friend, and so far I gotta say one of the oddest things I've done in SL to date.

Last night was the wedding rehearsal. Clearly this is a big deal for the folks who do this stuff. But I have to wonder how much of marriage today is a demonstration of the love between two people and how much is due to our indoctrination (through media hype) that has pushed us as a society to believe that all relationships must end in monogamy and be blessed, not just by a church or the state, but by an over-commercialized capitalist economy that sells expensive white dresses you can only ever wear once?

But okay, never mind all that. Here I am, having agreed to walk down the aisle and support a friend on her special day, and we arrive at rehearsal time at the "Wedding Sim" a mostly lovely place with waterfalls and a park and flowers. Unfortunately the pretty little chapel area, with its white benches, rose arbor, and pink ribbons, has also got a great mucking huge tacky sign that tells you the cost of everything. 10,000 Lindens it says just for invitations!

The wedding rehearsal was scheduled for 5:30 pm. Everyone was there, the bride, the groom, the best man and me, and the friend who is giving the bride away, everyone but the person who demanded there be a rehearsal: the wedding consultant/minister/woman who makes her living on these events. So we stand around and wait for the "Minister," and all the while the tacky sign spews out periodic clouds of particle doves flying (it appears) sideways. We get to try on our wedding finery (I am wearing pink) and discuss flowers and shoes, but then we give it up for the evening.

Two hours later the minister-person IMs us all and asks us to please assemble immediately at the Chapel area. So like good little sheep we trot over. All of us but the best man who is having log-in problems. The woman in charge (let's call her "The Wedding Nazi") is a nine-foot tall Barbie doll avatar (huge boobs, tiny waist, that shiny plastic skin look, and an outfit worthy of Ballerina Barbie) who--despite the tag over her her head that describes her as "Charming"--begins barking commands at us like we are second-graders on the short bus. Now I am not all that wed-tiqutte savvy, I know, but how much intelligence does it take to step on an animation that takes you down an aisle and from there leap to a pose ball?

Ms. Wedding-Nazi makes us all jump around a bit on command, and then the best man finally arrives. Now never mind that she was 2 hours late (for which I never heard her apologize) and has made the rest of us jump through hoops, the first words out of her mouth to the best man are to insult and laugh at him. What happened is that as he is rezzing, his textures don't appear. So we have a fellow in white and black with "missing textures"--hey, no big deal, it happens. Polite people might realize we can't always see when we are missing textures and suggest a rebake. But in this case he also has his genitals on and they have materialized outside the missing textures. This is an also not-uncommon, and sometimes unavoidable, occurrence in SL. Polite people would send a private IM saying something like "don't look now but your cock is showing," but not her. She cackles out loud, and in public chat does the SL equivalent of point and laugh--charming indeed.

This afternoon is the wedding. For the sake of the Bride and Groom who really are lovely people, I am just hoping that "Ms. Manners" manages not to: A) be late, or B) insult any guests.

I remember a co-worker once telling me that "every little girl dreams of her wedding day. . ." and I wondered what was wrong with me that I really didn't give a damn about the day, but I had some really clear visions of what the any man who wants to tie me down had to be! Somehow in this whole "wedding thing," it seems to me that people get crazy and get all hung up on dresses and tuxes and cakes and invitations and forget about the lovers. If you ask me, that misses the entire point of what real love should be about. N'est pas?

To be continued . . . Tune in tomorrow for "Part 2: the Big Day"