Sometimes the heart doesn't give you a choice

Sometimes you fall in love and, even knowing it is doomed, you keep loving. 

Sometimes you can't stop loving even after the whole thing falls apart. 

       from: http://xkcd.com/58/

The Girl is Back!

Yes. I'm back. After a long hiatus, through which although I never really recovered from the broken heart I have learned to live with it. And for the record I have decided it is time to pick up the pieces and move on. So here I am. Back where I started. Blogging about SL, sex, and my life as a virtual girl.

My latest SL exploits include a stint in Gorean sims, where this girl is discovering her inner submissive. No. Really. Oh c'mon, stop laughing. Yes, I know I am a control freak in RL. Obsessive about so many things. But I am looking at this as a lesson in giving up control. In humility. (Are you picturing Vannessa Redgrave saying "uuuu-mil-leee-tay!" to Lancelot in Camelot? Good. Me, too.)

Seriously though, This girl has allowed herself to be collared by one Darious Whitefeather. Nice guy. A bit rough around the edges. But he has potential. (Now picture Mulan and the "I'll Make a Man Out of You") Okay. So maybe I will have to work harder on that humility.  Sigh.

Anyway, stay tuned.

She's baaaack!

My poetry choice for today... and for D

If My Voice Is Not Reaching  You
by Afzal Ahmed Syed
If my voice is not reaching you      add to it the echo—      echo of ancient epics      And to that—      a princess      And to the princess—your beauty      And to your beauty—      a lover's heart      And in the lover's heart      a dagger

from Poets.org

Quote du Jour: Philip Linden on love

Love is the most subtle and complex emotion. It can be experienced at peak intensity only with the full power of the human intellect and in the calm of a fearless and lucid mind. The direction of evolution is toward love. --Philip Linden, founder of Second Life and of Lovemachine:  http://www.lovemachineinc.com/tao-of-lovemachine/


Philip is talking about the impetus behind his new company, Lovemachine, a sort of cross between a Twitterish feed and a merit/kudos employee reward system. In effect it acts like in-house LinkedIn recomendations. A nice idea. But what he says here has a great deal of merit. 


Love is complex, and uncontrollable. I'm not talking about lust here--that is the unpredictable response to biological stimuli, I am talking about the internal feel good you get from loving someone. Love doesn't have to be requited to be real. You can love someone even when they don't love you. Then again, when someone loves you, really loves you and demonstrates that love, over and over, it is difficult not to love back. 


Love does not take place in the groin, that's lust. And lust is a fine thing, too. You got mutual lust going with someone, go ahead, have a great time. Love, however, is that feeling that you can't live without knowing that the other is happy. Their well-being takes precedent over your own. Lust is about you. Love is about him, or her. 


Just as Philip says, love needs a lucid mind. Love is when you see the other clearly--all their flaws, all their faults, and you still love.  Love happens in the heart, and in the head. The very best sex ever is not love unless your head and heart, your mind and soul are engaged. And to be honest--the best sex involves the head as well as the heart. The imagination as well as the body. When both the heartt and head are involved it is so much more than just sex. It is that perfect connection between two people that transcends everything. If you find it, cherish it. It is priceless. If you lose it, you will know it was love by the unfillable hole left behind.

Song du Jour: "Undo it" Carrie Underwood

This song is for Silver. Keep singing this, Baby, & it will be all right. 


I should've known by the way you passed me by
There was something in your eyes and it wasn't right
I should've walked, but I never had the chance
Everything got out of hand, and I let it slide

Now I only have myself to blame
For falling for your stupid games
I wish my life could be the way
It was before I saw your face

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely, and took me for a ride
And I wanna undo it

You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna undo it

Now your photos don't have a picture frame
And I never say your name, and I never will
And all your things, well, I threw them in the trash
And I'm not even sad

Now you only have yourself to blame
For playing all those stupid games
You're always going to be the same
Oh no, you'll never change

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely, and took me for a ride
And I wanna undo it

You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna undo it

You want my future, you can't have it
I'm still trying to erase you from my past
I need you gone so fast

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely, and took me for a ride
And I wanna undo it

You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna undo it

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely, and took me for a ride
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna undo it

A Song for Draven: Citizen Cope "Healing Hands"

...Turn the tape recorder on
He just left Jackie O for Marilyn Monroe
We're all bought and sold
For tobacco, firearms and alcohol
What's a pocket full of gold
Without a woman that you could hold
Can't afford to be on the back burner no more
Now I got a lot of places to go

Well I don't know about your right and wrong
I got a muse from the east to the west
All I know is if I never said it before
I'm going to say it with my last breath....

I will never forget your healing hands my love
I thought my heart had stopped
I swore I had given up
I will never forget your healing hands my love
You gave me daylight you gave me sunlight

I will never forget your healing hands my love
I thought my heart had stopped
I swore I had given up
I will never forget your healing hands my love
You gave me daylight you gave me twilight

Never forget...

Love Sometimes Sucks

When I was a kid I hated amusement park rides. That awful sinking, kicked-in-the-gut feeling that you get as the rollercoaster heads down from the peaks, the slammed against the wall feeling the as the tilt-a-whirl throws you from side to side unexpectedly, and let's not forget the carousel. I actually liked carousels until I realized that you are always trapped going in circles and, even if the ups and downs aren't painful, you still can't get off the damn thing and it goes absolutely nowhere.

Now that I am all grown up not only do I still dislike amusement parks, but I find love is an amusement park, too.

Only now the kicked in the gut feeling is more like kicked in the heart. A hard burning knife-like pain. The heart is a pretty strong muscle, but it seems to have a very short memory sometimes. And any euphoria you felt a few minutes before can come all crashing down with a few nasty words. So not only do you feel pain, you also feel the urge to inflict pain back. And not only do you spiral down and get slammed against the walls that you each have put up, but you both lash out. You make it worse.

Here's the thing, if you want to make it work, make it last, and make it able to weather the ups and downs of the human emotional rollercoaster, you need to remember three rules:

1. Don't assume the worst. Talk. Get answers, and correct info. Then talk some more. And listen, listen carefully. Then talk again, and be honest. Communication will go a long way toward solving the problems that cause pain--especially if you meet your partner half way and can compromise where you conflict. Conflict will always happen--that's human--it is how we deal with it that conflict that keeps love alive.
2. Never get so caught up in your pain that you forget your partner is probably hurting as well. Sometimes when we get hurt we lash out at each other and the resulting damage escalates badly back and forth. If one of the two of you has the courage to say "I will not seek revenge," there is hope. If you each can say that, well then, there is real love there. And you will survive the down turns.
3. Say you are sorry. To paraphrase a famous quote: Love means always having to say you are sorry. And accepting that apology as well. Someone once told me that "sorry is a coin that wears thin over time." That is true. But it is also the best coin--maybe the only--coin you can spend when you are in the throes of pain and anger. None of us are perfect. We tend to make the same mistakes over and over. If you love, really love someone, you will give them the chance to say they are sorry and mean it. You will say you are sorry and mean it, too.

If you are luck enough to have found real love, true love, then you need to work on keeping it. Don't settle for anything less.

Song du Jour: "White Blank Page" - Mumford & Sons

Can you lie next to her
And give her your heart, your heart
As well as your body
And can you lie next to her
And confess your love, your love
As well as your folly
And can you kneel before the king
And say I'm clean, I'm clean

But tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart
Oh tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart

A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the grave, the grave
You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections

Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life
Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life

Profound Moments in Romance from XKCD

Original online at: http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/why_do_you_love_me.jpg 


Visit xkcd for more webcomics of romance, sarcasm, math, and language.

I hear the fat lady singing...

This has been a week of weird reflections for me. Thinking about the end of things. We are winding down to the end of the year. It is the end of the semester in school. In real life I am dealing with a death in the family.  But--and here is irony for you--it is the end of a love affair in Second Life that has hit me hardest of all.

I have avoided talking about all this in my blog here, because he never liked being the object of public discussion. He used to read my blog everyday. We used to chat everyday, we used to email, call, share our SL and RL lives. Then again, he used to love me. Ah well, things change. He doesn't read my blog any more (Google Analytics shows that to me). And he doesn't talk to me anymore. Not really. I get polite emails from time to time. Those friendly emails can hurt more than when we used to fight just because they are so polite, so cool. Distant, emotionless.

This week I realized (I have had some very long hours in the car thinking about stuff) that I have been spending most of 2009 waiting for "things to get better"--when all that happened was things got worse.

I could just count my blessings. I met him fell hard and fast, and had a glorious, wonderful, romantic nearly two years. Most of 2007 we were like (he used to say) teenagers in love. He was my obsession, and I was his. We couldn't keep our hands off each other.

All of 2008 we built our life together in Second Life. I gave him land in Valis for his rez day. We had an Italian villa he designed for me. He made me a studio to write in on the second floor. Then we bought airships and moved high in the sky. He had his shop on the ground. I was--still am--so very proud of his designs. We talked, laughed, had fun together. Couldn't bear to be apart for more than a day at a time.

Real life had demands on both of us. Real life came first we always said.

I remember once, after a fight, when we both went away angry and both immediately turned back around, he pointed out that we really were not capable of walking away from each other. He said: "I can't leave you. I always come back to you."

Here's a question: do we fall in love with a person? Or in love with the feeling of being in love? Or are they one and the same? What makes love go away? Do we just get tired of each other and the little annoyances become too much? How do you get around that? How do you make love last? Is it even possible?

And how do you let go when you don't want to let go? How do you by the one who left when it is a constant knife in the heart? Is it easier if you end it in anger? Because I can't be angry at him. I just hurt. All the time.

He said "Do you think we are the only star-crossed lovers that ever were? It will get better with time."

He was wrong. We are the only star-crossed lovers I ever was part of, and it isn't getting better.

The day I changed my profile

So here we are. Nearly spring. Three months into 2009. I know some of you have wondered why I haven't been writing as much as I used to. The answer is both simple and complex. Real life has kept me busy, sure. But my chosen second life has kept me even busier. Fact of the matter is that for some time now I have been too busy in SL not only to blog about it, but also to do most of the things I have done in the past. For one thing, I am not dancing in clubs anymore, no more stripping, no more escort jobs . . . no clients at all. In fact most of the places I used to work, Perfect Droom, Lotus Moon, Blue Noise, are all long gone (long in SL is, after all, often a matter of weeks. not years) or they are so changed as to be unrecognizable.

What!? Does this mean you are no longer a courtesan? How can this be? I hear you asking.

It's not that I am not a courtesan . . . rather it is that all my skills, all my time, and all my heart are devoted to one man alone in all of SL. I am the personal companion, or concubine if you will, of Draven Sautereau. I am coming up on my second rez day in 2 months, and a month after that is the anniversary of when I met Draven. We've actually just passed the one year mark of our decision to be exclusive to each other in SL. I think it is about time I made it clear up front here in the blog, too.

So today I am commemorating that by changing my profile on this page. From now on the "About Me" section reflects the fact that only for Draven does my SL heart beat. Scary isn't it that you can find something so real in a place made only of fantasies?

Song du Jour: TaeYang's "Look At Only Me"

UH...
IT'S BEEN ON MY MIND FOR A WHILE
GOT TO LET THIS OFF MY CHEST
BEFORE...IT'S TOO LATE
I CAN'T LET YOU GO
YOU GOT TO LET HIM GO
I CAN'T LET YOU GO
YOU GOT TO...LISTEN

I’ve been telling you everyday
I smile when I see you.
I’ve told you so many times
You’re the love of my life.
In this world full of lies, in my nervous heart
the one thing I believe in is you.
When you get nervous thinking that my feelings may change
Remember I laughed when I told you that would never happen.
A direction with no end,
my completely empty heart
The only place I can lean on is you.
And I hate that my heart sometimes wavers
Even today I get carried away by the world
and you get erased

Even if I cheat
Don’t you ever cheat, Baby
Even if I forget you
Don’t you ever forget me, Lady
If once in a while I don’t contact you
and I go out to drink
Even if I ever meet another girl’s gaze
Look only at me.

When you tell me with tears in your eyes
that you spent all night waiting up for me
you say “I think you changed.”
So many nights you ask me to tell you
that my feeling are the same as when I first met you.
Although it seems that I am miserable without you
Honestly sometimes you suffocate me
The never ending arguments
The long sighs.
Although the only place for you to lean is on me
I hate that sometimes I get sick of you
Even today I smile
and lose myself without my knowledge

Even if I cheat....

I know well that I’m self-centered
And I spend my days in meaningless activities
Becoming filthier, baby.
I want to leave your purity as it is,
this is my sincerity, my belief in you
Don’t leave me even in death

Even if I cheat...
Look only at me.

A Song for Hawk: "Hold on My Heart" by Genesis

Hold on my heart
Just hold on to that feeling
We both know we've been here before
We both know what can happen

Song for Super Sunday: "This is a Message from Your Heart" Kina Grannis

Don't break me, I bruise easily
The source of both your love and misery
I am steady, beating endlessly
While you are dozing, dreaming pretty things
Lovely things
I don't work for free
Please take care of me

This is a message from your heart
Your most devoted body part
Taking blood and making art
This is a message from your heart
Pounding away into the dark
You could thank me for a start

This is a message from your heart
Don't hurt me,
I bleed constantly
My efforts leave me but flow back swiftly
My rhythm, soothing, like raindrops steady
On foggy windows when you gaze outwardly
Peacefully

I don't work for free
Please take care of me
Please take care of me

This is a message from your heart
Your most devoted body part
Taking blood and making art
This is a message from your heart
Pounding away into the dark
You could thank me for a start

This is a message from your heart
Everytime you sleepEverytime you eat
Everytime you laughEverytime you cry
Every time you love

This is a message from your heart
Your most devoted body part
Taking blood and making art
This is a message from your heart
Pounding away into the dark
You could thank me for a start
This is a message from your heart

for more of Kina's music: http://www.myspace.com/kinagrannis
See her video blog at: http://www.twoweeksforkina.com

A Quote du Jour: Neil Gaiman

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build all these defenses. You build up a whole suit of armor so that nothing can hurt you. Then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you."

The Heart

The heart is an amazing organ. The ancient Greeks believed that the heart was the seat of reason and the center of intelligence in the body. The Greek philosopher Aristotle claimed it was the most important organ of the body, the center of all life. The physician Galen believed the heart was the organ most closely related to the soul. The ancient Egyptians also saw the heart as the seat of the soul, but saw it as the center of all emotions and place where wisdom resides as well.

No matter what we know from modern science about the heart as a muscle that pushes blood around the body we still think of the heart as the place where emotion resides. When we fall in love don't we feel the heat of our passion spread out from the center of our hearts? And when we are hurt by love don't we feel the sharpest pain of it in our very hearts like a physical blow? We trust the heart as a source of wisdom, saying things like: "The heart knows," "trust your heart," and "follow your heart." But is it wise? Especially when it seems to control all those feelings surrounding that slipperiest of emotions . . . love.

In the Renaissance, Leonardo DaVinci observed the push and pull of blood through the chambers of the heart and said: "At one and the same time, in one and the same subject, two opposite motions cannot take place, that is, repentance and desire." Maybe Leo had something there . . . can love (desire) survive in the same place that constant hurt, pain, or sorrow (regret/repentance) does?

I suspect love never dies easily. Even though that warm hearted feeling can be driven out from time to time by the pain of heartache, love rarely goes down without a fight. And even though we occasionally repent or regret our relationships with our lovers, our desire to love and to be loved will win out if we let it.

Since heart disease has been on the rise, we have been told to take good care of our physical hearts, to eat healthy and get exercise. I suspect this is good for our emotional hearts as well. And we should watch out equally carefully for our lovers' hearts. We ought to feed each other sweet words not harsh, exercise caution before striking out at each other, and sometimes we need to swallow our own harsh words and apologize, swallow the hurts we've been dealt and forgive.

Leonardo is right that desire and repentance cannot exist simultaneously, but in the heart they must exist side by side. It is the push and pull, the give and take, that keeps the heart pumping. It is finding the balance between joy and pain that will keep love working. I would purposely misquote that infamous line in Love Story as: "Love means always having to say you are sorry." Love means accepting that both you and your lover have faults and that you will be probably be hurt when you love deeply. Love means loving someone through their melancholy funks or despite their bull-in-a-china shop ways. Love means loving the whole package, light and dark, yin and yang.