Reconnections?

It has been an odd week in Valis. Jinara swung by on Tuesday all aglow. Seems she ran into Mal on Monday night. Months of no word from him and then there he was, cute and cuddly and wanting to play. A night of romantic fun and I figured she'd stop moping about Hawk and be back to fixating on Malcolm. But when I asked if she was getting back together with Mal, she just shrugged. "Jhai's right," she told me. "You can't worry about men. There are here and then they are gone. They just have different priorities than women. No biggie! It is what it is." And off she went to chase lucky chairs with Heron. I am not sure if it is a good sign that she is not moping or a bad one, as in has she given up on love?

Then on Tuesday Jhai, who is usually the unflappable one, asked Dabrin to Punday night at Callahan's Crosstime Saloon. Unfortunately although he did show up, he couldn't stay for long. I was adding a new swan to the water in Valis when Jhai came fuming home. "Men. Damn them." Ash showed up around then and I just gaped as the two of them (seems Wulf--Ash's number one boy toy--has been unavailable of late, too) went into a duet rant about being treated like china dolls on a shelf--toys to be played with when the "boys" have time.

"Wait a minute!" I said to Jhai. Aren't you the one who always told me that a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle?" Here was Jinara, the emotional one, being blasé, and Jhai, usually the rational one, going all emotional. I made a note to myself to check the horoscopes on all of them. As I logged out I saw they were at the waterfall throwing stones at the fish and still bitching.

Last night it was my turn to be lonely, missing Draven. I know he's busy, RL busy. But I had gotten so used to hearing from him multiple times in the day that these days when we are both so wrapped in RL it gets hard. Still, I had talked to him just that morning--god, I love his voice. It's like velvet on my skin. But there I was in Valis feeling kind of neglected and kind of sorry for myself and kind of hoping he was going to just suddenly be there in that way he has of appearing out of nowhere and making everything all right in my world. But he didn't and it wasn't, it never is allright when he is far away. Then I saw Amanda pop online, and not having heard from her in a while I IMed. She came over and I showed her around the new store. I was feeling better with some company, until. . . .

Draven has all his dresses up on vendors there in the store and most of them are being modeled by Heron. "Who is the blonde with the tits," 'Manda asked. "Then she looked at me funny and asked, "Everything okay between you and Draven?"

"Of course it is, never better," I told her. Then I stopped. Heron isn't interested in Draven. Nor he in her. Really. I am sure of it. I mean, we are all pretty certain Heron likes girls. Even if she is very hot. And blonde. And several slider points larger than me in the chest as well as smaller in the waist. But no matter how pretty she is, Draven isn't interested in her that way. Really. I am sure of it. Aren't I?

OMG, I'm an insecure bitch!

My poetry choice for today... and for D

If My Voice Is Not Reaching  You
by Afzal Ahmed Syed
If my voice is not reaching you      add to it the echo—      echo of ancient epics      And to that—      a princess      And to the princess—your beauty      And to your beauty—      a lover's heart      And in the lover's heart      a dagger

from Poets.org

A Song of Love & Longing for Valentine's Day

Josh Ritter's "The Curse"

Sunday's song: "Bring On The Wonder" ~ Susan Enan

Song du Jour: Pink "Glitter in the Air"

Death Cab For Cutie "I Will Possess Your Heart"

There are days when outside your window,
I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective,
when we'll be lovers, lovers at last
You gotta spend some time--love,
you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find--love,
I will possess your heart

Song du Jour: "Run" by Snow Patrol

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Quote of the Day: Bertrand Russell on Caution

“Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.” ~~Bertrand Russell (English Logician and Philosopher 1872-1970)



Bertrand Russell was not only a man of great intellect, but also a man of great passions and Utopian vision. At seventeen he married his sweetheart Alys Pearsall Smith, despite the objections of his family, but their love did not last. He had passionate and often simultaneous affairs with a number of women, including Lady Ottoline Morrell and the actress Lady Constance Malleson. His most serious lover was Dora Black who traveled with him to Russia and China. When Dora became pregnant Russell divorced Alys and married her. Black was an advocate for women's rights and may have influenced Russell's positions on equity and social justice. She--as did so many of her generation--had realised the extent to which the laws regulating marriage contributed to women's subjugation.

In her view, only parents should be bound by a social contract, and only insofar as their cooperation was required for raising their children. Implicit was her conviction that both men and women were polygamous by nature and should therefore be free, whether married or not, to engage in sexual relationships that were based on mutual love. In this she was as much an early sexual pioneer as in her fight for women's right to information about, and free access to, birth control methods. She regarded these as essential for women to gain control over their own lives, and eventually become fully emancipated.


Black and Russell founded a school in 1927 called Beacon Hill School in which they tried to teach children to leave behind superstitions and irrational views of previous generations. Russell eventually left Black for one of his students after she had two children by one of her lover, Griffin Barry. She went on to write extensively on the right of the individual to be happy.

Russell throughout his life campaigned for human rights, social justice, peace, and nuclear disarmament. His lasting legacy as an advocate for peace is carried on by the Bertrand Russell Peace Foundation.

(information on Russell and Black excerpted from Wikipedia)

I hear the fat lady singing...

This has been a week of weird reflections for me. Thinking about the end of things. We are winding down to the end of the year. It is the end of the semester in school. In real life I am dealing with a death in the family.  But--and here is irony for you--it is the end of a love affair in Second Life that has hit me hardest of all.

I have avoided talking about all this in my blog here, because he never liked being the object of public discussion. He used to read my blog everyday. We used to chat everyday, we used to email, call, share our SL and RL lives. Then again, he used to love me. Ah well, things change. He doesn't read my blog any more (Google Analytics shows that to me). And he doesn't talk to me anymore. Not really. I get polite emails from time to time. Those friendly emails can hurt more than when we used to fight just because they are so polite, so cool. Distant, emotionless.

This week I realized (I have had some very long hours in the car thinking about stuff) that I have been spending most of 2009 waiting for "things to get better"--when all that happened was things got worse.

I could just count my blessings. I met him fell hard and fast, and had a glorious, wonderful, romantic nearly two years. Most of 2007 we were like (he used to say) teenagers in love. He was my obsession, and I was his. We couldn't keep our hands off each other.

All of 2008 we built our life together in Second Life. I gave him land in Valis for his rez day. We had an Italian villa he designed for me. He made me a studio to write in on the second floor. Then we bought airships and moved high in the sky. He had his shop on the ground. I was--still am--so very proud of his designs. We talked, laughed, had fun together. Couldn't bear to be apart for more than a day at a time.

Real life had demands on both of us. Real life came first we always said.

I remember once, after a fight, when we both went away angry and both immediately turned back around, he pointed out that we really were not capable of walking away from each other. He said: "I can't leave you. I always come back to you."

Here's a question: do we fall in love with a person? Or in love with the feeling of being in love? Or are they one and the same? What makes love go away? Do we just get tired of each other and the little annoyances become too much? How do you get around that? How do you make love last? Is it even possible?

And how do you let go when you don't want to let go? How do you by the one who left when it is a constant knife in the heart? Is it easier if you end it in anger? Because I can't be angry at him. I just hurt. All the time.

He said "Do you think we are the only star-crossed lovers that ever were? It will get better with time."

He was wrong. We are the only star-crossed lovers I ever was part of, and it isn't getting better.

The Good / The Not So Good

It has been an odd week and a half for me. Some good, some not so good.

Not good: I lost my best friend. We'd had fights before. But I guess I always had faith that the friendship would survive. We'd blow up, then we'd talk. This time? Not so much. He's gone.

Good: I discovered some things about myself. I am an incurable optimist. I still believe that love and friendship can survive anything if both sides are willing to try. I still hope that someday we can be friends again.

Not good: I lost the only place I ever called home in SL. I should have known it was coming. I did know. But it still felt like getting a rug pulled out from under me.

Good: I found new land in Zindra, in McGavet. I was only half-heartedly looking, but I found a parcel that the previous owner had named "Serendipity Cove." I figured that was too serendipitous to pass up. And the price was right. The tier was, too. So I bought it.

Not so good: I have no one to share it with.

Kind of good: Another thing I discovered about myself this week is that I am at heart a nest-builder. That will be no surprise to anyone who knows me in RL. I am forever making over, rearranging, remodeling, and shopping for my RL home. When stressed I tend to head for Pier 1, Bed Bath & Beyond, or Home Depot. Even changing the colors of the bathroom towels and soaps can make my day. So it should be no surprise that rebuilding in a new space in SL was fairly theraputic as well. And I needed that therapy.

Neither good nor bad: There is some irony in the fact that I (once again) made a romantic spot to hang out in SL. Dancing, cuddles, and even sex animations. Waterfalls, pools, and gardens. I did mention that I am an incurable optimist, didn't I? And even if the man I would most like to share it with is no longer interested in me, well, at least perhaps I can make a nice place for other lovers to visit, to play.

So keep watching, I'll post pictures as I change the seasons at Serendipity Cove and redecorate regularly. Feel free to come by with your loved one and enjoy the facilities, make yourself at home.

A song for all lovers separated by time and space and circumstance: "Love Remains the Same"

A thousand times I've seen you standing
gravity like a lunar landing
make me want to run till I find you
shut the world away from here, drift to you, you're all I hear
everything we know fades to black . . .

So much more to say, so much to be done
don't you trick me out, we shall overcome
cause our love stays ablaze. . . .

What is a soulmate?

I have been thinking about what it might mean to have a soulmate recently. Thinking about the connections that form between humans on deep spiritual levels. Soulmates. We bandy the word around a lot. Too easily perhaps. Is a soulmate a lover? Possibly, but not necessarily. A life partner? Maybe, but also maybe not in the traditional sense of couples in relationships or marriages. A partner, certainly. A friend, most definitely. I found this definition which is the one I think I like the best.

In the Celtic tradition, there is a beautiful understanding of love and friendship. One of the fascinating ideas here is the idea of soul love; “Anam Cara” may sound like some new French perfume, but it actually refers to the Celtic spiritual belief of souls connecting and bonding.

In Celtic Spiritual tradition, it is believed that the soul radiates all about the physical body what some refer to as an aura. When you connect with another person and become completely open and trusting with that individual, your two souls begin to flow together.

Should such a deep bond be formed, it is said you have found your “ Anam Cara” or soul friend.

Your “ Anam Cara” always accepts you as you truly are, holding you in beauty and light. In order to appreciate this relationship, you must first recognize your own inner light and beauty. This is not always easy to do. The Celts believed that forming an “Anam Cara” friendship would help you to awaken your awareness of your own nature and experience the joys of others.

The “ Anam Cara” was originally someone to whom you confessed, revealing the hidden intimacies of your life. With the “Anam Cara,” you could share your innermost self, your mind and your heart. This friendship was an act of recognition and belonging. When you had an “Anam Cara”, your friendship cut across all convention, morality, and category. You were joined in an ancient and eternal way with the “friend of your soul”. The Celtic understanding did not set limitations of space or time on the soul. There is no cage for the soul. The soul is a divine light that flows into you and into your Other.

This art of belonging awakened and fostered a deep and special companionship. When you love, you open your life to an Other. All your barriers are down. Your protective distances collapse. This person is given absolute permission to come into the deepest temple of your spirit. Your presence and life can become their ground. It takes great courage to let someone so close. Where a friendship recognizes itself as a gift, it will remain open to its own ground of blessing. When you are blessed with an “ Anam Cara”, the Irish believe, you have arrived at that most sacred place: home. This bond between friends is indissoluble: “This, I say, is what is broken by no chances, what no interval of time or space can sever or destroy, and what even death itself cannot part.” [From Anam Cara: Wisdom from the Celtic World, by John O’Donohue, as found online in Lisa Sabine's Blog.]

My soulmate is someone I can believe in even when he doesn't believe in himself. Who I can trust to be honest with me and tell me to shut up when I need to shut up and to listen to me when I need to talk. My soulmate is a person who will forgive me when I need forgiving and who I will forgive when he needs it, too.

And if sometimes we need space from each other because the Real (tm) World has been closing in on us and we (who are very human after all) have felt crowded or insecure and taken it out on each other, well, then I just have to trust there is a connection that brought us together and which will let us--when we are stronger--come back together, some way, some how. . . serendipitously.

Song du Jour: Jack Johnson's "Better Together"

There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing
But I can try for your heart,
our dreams, and they are made out of real things
like a shoebox of photographs
with sepia-toned loving
Love is the answer
at least for most of the questions in my heart, like
Why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together

Mmmm, It's always better when we're together
Yeah we'll look at the stars and we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah it's always better when we're together

And all of these moments
just might find their way into my dreams tonight,
But I know that they’ll be gone
when the morning light sings
and brings new things
for tomorrow night you see
that they’ll be gone too,
too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way
into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression
i was somewhere in between
With only two,
Just me and you,
Not so many things we got to do
or places we got to be
We'll sit beneath the mango tree, now,

Yeah It's always better when we're together
Mmmm, we're somewhere in between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

I believe in memories
they look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when I wake up,
you look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
There is no, no song I could sing
and there is no combination of words I could say
but I will still tell you one thing
We're Better together

Love like you'll never be hurt, dance like nobody's watching...

I thought I'd post this picture of dancing with a special friend in Valis. . . . just because sometimes we are so very pretty.

[Fashion by Emo-tion, Dirty Lynx, Bird of Prey, and DE Designs]

A Song for Hawk: "Witch of the Westmoreland" by Stan Rodgers

Pale was the wounded knight that bore the rowan shield
Loud and cruel were the raven's cries that feasted on the field
Saying "Beck water cold and clear will never clean your wound
There's none but the witch of the Westmoreland
can make thee hale and sound. . . ."

And she's bound his wounds with the goldenrod,
full fast in her arms he lay
And he has risen hale and sound with the sun high in the day
And she said "Ride with your brindled hound at heel,
and your good grey hawk in hand
There's none can harm the knight who's lain
with the Witch of the Westmorland."

Read the full lyrics here: http://www.bardicarts.org/songs/Magic/witchofthewestmoreland.html

Winter is for Romance in Serendipity

Got the cold weather blahs? I have a cure for that! Take your sweetheart out for a romantic evening of dance and whispered sweet nothings in Serendipity.

We have been decorating for the season and with the help of our fellow Serendipity Seekers have set up a huge ice block dance floor with Intan couples dance balls. Come whirl your darling around the dance floor to soft jazz, or cuddle in the sleigh-shaped chaise and sip a goblet of mulled wine, or take a ride with romance on the paradise blanket. (Ours is loaded with a garden of Eden, an autumn walk in the park, a summer at the beach, a winter cabin in the woods, a '50s diner, trips all over the world, and a honeymoon suite.)



And for the ladies, if you stop by Draven's Bird of Prey shop be sure to look for the holiday present by the door, a lovely red velvet ruffled version of his classic "Dove" blouse, a free gift only during this holiday season. You can see me wearing it here in the picture as Draven swings me around the dance floor. If you join the "Bird of Prey" group (just click on the sign in the shop!) you will get updates on parties in Serendipity and future free fashions by Bird of Prey, too!

So stop by and visit. We'd love to see you this holiday season!

Courtesan's tip of the month: Mucho, Mucho Men!

Holiday season is on us and no doubt your schedule is as crowded as mine. Tonight a party with one special guy, tomorrow off to lunch with another, a sweet date lined up for New Years . . . and then there are all the IMs from the hotties you'd love to hook up with! How do you keep it all straight? A while ago in Cosmopolitan I found a great article with some salient advice for the girl juggling multiple men.

First and foremost don't let anyone tell you you can't play the field. This is the 21st century and our relationships have expanded to online romances! Why not do what men have been doing all along and indulge yourself with all the men you'd love to love? Cosmo's Guide to Dating Multiple Men says: "Dating a slew of studs simultaneously does wonders for your ego, your social life and (duh!) your chances of meeting Mr. Right. 'The more men you date, the better your odds of finding your perfect match,' confirms Jodie Gould, coauthor of Date Like a Man. The ideal setup, she says, is to have 'a pair and a spare,' meaning you should keep at least three Romeos in rotation at once."

The difficulty in RL is to keep them all from running into each other and to avoid double booking yourself (remember the restaurant scene in Mrs. Doubtfire). All that is, of course, much easier to handle in SL, which has much wider space and far less likelihood of bumping into your other men. The easiest way is, of course, to create different alts for each lover, but that does seem a bit shady. The best advice I have is to be open about it. Tell your fellas that you are not going to be exclusive from the start. Bear in mind that they also may be playing a field, and you will have to be one of several girls in their lives. Fair is fair after all!

More good advice? Get yourself a good dayplanner, or electronic calendar, or just keep good notes. You need to schedule carefully so you are not still with Lover-A when Lover-B's time rolls around! And remember, no matter how much fun Lover-A is, no fair standing up Lover-B. You can always schedule another run at Lover-A for tomorrow! The anticipation will make it all the sweeter! Now get out there and party!

The Ancient Lighthouse

I'd been decorating for the Christmas season at Valis, and went off in search of ice skates for skating on the pool at the base of our waterfall. But as so much in SL is transitory, I was not surprised the link I followed to a skating rink in Wollaston lead me now to an open field. I was about to turn back when in the distance, against the night sky, I saw an Ancient Lighthouse on a rocky promontory. Not being a girl to shirk off an adventure I figured I had to explore it.

After and arduous climb over rocks and across tumbled pillars I made my way to staircase on the side of the mountain. Treacherous and steep, I slipped, and found myself falling through a crack in the rock into a subterranean cave. It was a beautiful grotto with a tiny waterfall, but to my horror I found I could not get out. the only staircase in there led to sheer rock walls. Then in a back corner I spied the trunk. No treasure, unless you could count a landmark that led me out as treasure. The night was past and dawn breaking by the time I made my way back to the stairs and began again the long climb to the top of the light house.

I made good time to a balcony about halfway up the towers. Some kind soul had left a bottle of wine and two cups there, so I fortified myself while I took a breather to look at the scenery. Back across the fields I had traveled I could see great statues of mythical beasts in the distance. To the north was a huge cathedral floating in the sky. Something to explore another day, I thought. To the west of the Lighthouse were some ordinary SL bungalows, and nestled at the eastern base of the Lighthouse itself, just on the other side of a waterfall that spilled from unknown springs at the mountain top, was a small shop (of course, there is always a shop, this is SL after all!) built among the beautiful Grecian ruins.

An iron-bound door led me to an interior room of lovely mosaic floors with a map and an impressive globe. This room opened onto a balcony where lovers (it was clear by the pose balls) must have sat to enjoy the view of the ruins below. But who were they, those lovers who built this place? I continued my explorations in the hope of finding out.

Twisting stairs took me past a room with an astrolabe and beautiful dolphin mosaics on the floor lit by the once again setting sun. Then up and up higher to the topmost room, where I sat and rested my feet and my mind. This lovely place, this seat, was meant for two and I could only wish that my beloved could be there with me. A peek at the architecture gave me the builder's name, Hacker Jannings, jewelry designer, and that of his lovely wife, Lillyanne Lustre, fashion designer, it is their shop in the ruins below. Ironic, I thought as what they had built so paralleled my own life and place in Valis.

I sat for a while and watched the growing dusk, thinking of all the SL lovers, all those who build fantastic places for their beloveds, and those who walk with their lovers in search of such treasures to share. With a smile I let my teleport carry me home.

Moving On Up!

I haven't been writing much of late because I have been incredibly busy in both RL and SL. In RL it was back to school time, and in SL I have also been learning...to build! It all started with Draven's fascination with airships. See in Valis we kept getting weirder and weirder neighbors. First there was a giant ugly box of a castle with neighbors that had a loud obnoxious trivia game broadcasting day and night. Then they sold to a strip club with loud misspelled-text promotional ads that were broadcasting (you got it) day and night. That was always empty, so it sold to a couple who turned it into a large ugly purple club with loud gambling machines. To the other side of us is a really ugly house with big signs advertising a store. For a while now the only amusing thing about the neighbors has been guessing how long till they fold and move on and what ugly thing will turn up next! So Draven proposed we take down the Villa we'd been living in, and live in the airship high above all the chaos below.

Now we share space with several folks (it gets us a bigger space and larger tier). There is my older sister, Jhai; Draven's younger sister, Wren; my friend, Jinara (the group was actually her idea); her first SL boyfriend, Malcolm; Wren's friends, Hawk and Heron (We got this group bird title thing going, and Wren met them while camping when they all looked at each other's names); Dabrin, who is a friend/RL colleague of Draven's; and our most recent addition, Japhrimel, a friend and student of Jhai's who I think of as our younger brother.

But if we were going to move up into the sky what did that mean for our friends? One big family meeting later (well, really it all us girls, Japh, and Draven, since Hawk didn't care and Mal and Dabrin are never around much anymore) we decided to move all of us up into the sky. First we placed Draven's airship, the "Nereide."


Then Jhai bought a second airship, the "Selene."

And Draven rezzed a copy of the ship he'd built for Jhai's SL workplace, a green glass blimp I promptly christened the "Vitreaux."

I had a grotto with a pool and a waterfall (by Juanita Deharo), so I built a big flying hunk of concrete to place it on. It has wind chimes, a Straylight tree, an Isle of Mists waterlily that opens and closes with the sun, and 2 lily pads Jhai found that we can float on. Inside the grotto are candles, a small waterfall and pool, and a grassy place that will be just right for Draven's Kamasutra rug (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). Draven's Rustica furniture and the lovely claw-footed tub he made (for one or two!) also needed a place to be, so I built a large flying rock garden. I took a large, rocky, sculpted megaprim and made an edging of boulders from the library by matching the textures, added a grassy patch Draven had made (for our old yard below), flowers, trees, and then linked the whole thing.

I am particularly proud of the L-shaped bridge that links the Grotto and the Flying Rock because I built that all by myself. The base of it is 2 prims with mahogany planking texture, but nowhere could I find an iron railing texture. Then I remembered a freebie iron-topped table I had in inventory--I took it apart and used the texture on the transparent prim that was the table surface, and stretched it out with the texture repeating for the rail (thank you, oh unknown builder, for your lovely table!). It took a bit of finagling to get it all to line up so I could link it, but one thing I have learned from Draven is not to give up. When you are frustrated, walk away and come back later. It will be a better build if you do.

Jhai and Wren popped in from time to time to give me advice, and Draven came by to check up on me and teach me a new trick here or there, but mostly I just arranged and rearranged all by myself. I've placed our Intan couples dance balls everywhere, and a Bits and Bobs kiss or two around for Draven and I (or for Jinara and her next mad crush). I can't wait to see Draven tonight and show him around. I got him a present too, a murder of crows from WaterMoon Breeze to fly around his ship and the shop below.
Oh, yes, down below Draven rebuilt the villa as the main store for Bird of Prey Designs. Come by and see his dresses and Steampunk gear, stay tuned for more of his furniture builds, and if you want an airship skybox of your own, just IM him--I am certain he'd build you one, too.

Places to go In Second Life: Nightwish, a Club for Lovers

Nightwish Romance Ballroom is a beautiful place to take your sweetheart for a quiet evening of love talk in each others arms. Plenty of romantic dance balls, couches and cuddle balls, all under a midnight sky.

Best for me is the fact that this club is dedicated to one of my all time fav music groups, Nightwish!

Check it out, and if you see me dancing there with a friend, come over and say hello to us!