Song du Jour: Someone Like You - Adele

It has been a long time...

Haven't felt like blogging much of late. April was a rough month in RL. Way too many funerals. Early May just reminded me of all I have lost in SL and in RL. I turned 4 years old in SL on May 13th. Four years ago at this time I met a man in Second Life. Falling in love with him was one of the most intense and beautiful things I have ever experienced.

 Our "anniversary" is coming up this week. I loved him. Still love him. We had an amazing couple of years together, but our SL spilled over into our RL and he left me. I still am not sure what went wrong. We tried being friends instead of lovers, but he has drifted farther and farther away and now I never hear from him anymore. I still think of him every day. And every single time I think of him I still feel the cold empty ache of that loss.

Mostly that's why I have not been in SL and why I have not been blogging.

As he used to say: It is what it is.

Song Du Jour: Placebo "Running Up That Hill"

If I only could,
Make a deal with God,
Get him to swap our places...
You don't wanna hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.
There's a thunder in our hearts, baby.
So much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?

Knowing When to Walk Away

A long time ago a friend told me that I try so hard to pour oil on troubled waters that I end up polluting them. Something in me always seems to wants to fix all the broken things. Make all my friends happy. Make the ones I love love me back. Please everyone and at the same time be pleased by everyone. Balance my RL with my SL. I guess there has to come a point where you finally say to yourself this is just too broken to put it back together. 

Sometimes I suspect I spend too much time trying too hard to recapture a moment that is lost rather than making a new moment. Sometimes it is someone else who has so many filters that he only hears and sees what he expects to see. I think I did that pollution thing again today. I shouldn't have talked to him. I should have let it be. I keep coming back to try to start over and all I do is rip the scab off the wounds I thought were healed--both mine and his it seems. 

Sometimes I wish I knew why this one broken thing is so important to me. Sometimes I wish I didn't care. I guess I have finally come to the point where I know I have no choice but to let go.  

He would say I am seeing only black and white--stay or go. But what other option is there? The fact is, he always played his cards so close to the chest I don't know what the best path is. I had no clues so I always blundered about believing the best. And I seem to have hurt him, been hurting him, keep hurting him. Could I hurt him so much if he didn't care at all for me? The dumb thing is I don't even know, I truly do not know what it is I do that he calls drama and emotion. 

Two weeks ago I said hello I wasn't angry, wasn't emotional. A little sad, a little hopeful. But not expecting anything. Just wanting to tell him I still care. Not asking him to take me back. Just wanted to say I hoped he was well and happy. Do I say to much? Wear my heart on my sleeve? Probably. He brought up the things I said last month. I wanted to clear it up. I should have said nothing. Should have walked away and let it go. How did my being hurt by his new relationship cause him so much anger? If he doesn't care for me, should he even give a damn what I think? If he does still care for me, shouldn't he want to talk? To meet halfway and find a place we can at least be friends? All I ever wanted to do was to make him happy. All we ever do any more is hurt each other. 

He used to call us star-crossed lovers. But then he dumped me. Nearly a year ago he walked away, said it was too much and he had no time for SL and that he didn't want me any more because I was messing up his RL, and RL was too important. Okay. I can buy that. RL has to come first. Hell, I came close to trashing my RL because of the intensity of my feelings for him. I needed to refocus, too. I have been putting that back together, slowly, only because my RL love has also made an effort. But then that's what RL is about. Being real to each other. 

So how dumb am I for chasing a man in SL who won't talk to me, won't listen to me, doesn't believe me, and clearly doesn't want me?  

I have spent the last year wandering lost. Thinking about him a dozen times a day and learning how not to cry. And then still crying. Pouring over old emails and chats and pictures. Getting my hopes up on the rare occasions he spoke to me or was friendly. Falling apart when he smacked me down and was cold. Trying to find my footing in SL again without him. Half a dozen times I have thought about deleting this avatar. About starting over. I threw myself at other men, but in the end no one else was him. I made new friends, good friends, friends who were a distraction. I went dancing, flirted, had fun. But never could get him out of my mind. Never got him out of my heart. I still looked for him online. Me still being Stalker Chick. 

You know what is funny? The first year he loved it when I blogged about him. The second year he said I was putting pressure on him. In the end he said he hated my blog--I deleted it, then I resurrected most of it but took all mention of him out. I still can't bring myself to say his name here. And yet I can't stop thinking, and writing, about him. 


Last night I did it again. Sent him another email that he will not respond to. How dumb am I?

Song du Jour: "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston

". . . I never knew love like I've known it with you. . . ."

Song du Jour: Damien Rice: "Delicate"

We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate

So why'd you fill my sorrows
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why'd ya sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?

We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate

So why'd you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place that you've known
And why'd you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?

And why'd you fill my sorrows
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place that you've known
Why'd you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?

Love Sometimes Sucks

When I was a kid I hated amusement park rides. That awful sinking, kicked-in-the-gut feeling that you get as the rollercoaster heads down from the peaks, the slammed against the wall feeling the as the tilt-a-whirl throws you from side to side unexpectedly, and let's not forget the carousel. I actually liked carousels until I realized that you are always trapped going in circles and, even if the ups and downs aren't painful, you still can't get off the damn thing and it goes absolutely nowhere.

Now that I am all grown up not only do I still dislike amusement parks, but I find love is an amusement park, too.

Only now the kicked in the gut feeling is more like kicked in the heart. A hard burning knife-like pain. The heart is a pretty strong muscle, but it seems to have a very short memory sometimes. And any euphoria you felt a few minutes before can come all crashing down with a few nasty words. So not only do you feel pain, you also feel the urge to inflict pain back. And not only do you spiral down and get slammed against the walls that you each have put up, but you both lash out. You make it worse.

Here's the thing, if you want to make it work, make it last, and make it able to weather the ups and downs of the human emotional rollercoaster, you need to remember three rules:

1. Don't assume the worst. Talk. Get answers, and correct info. Then talk some more. And listen, listen carefully. Then talk again, and be honest. Communication will go a long way toward solving the problems that cause pain--especially if you meet your partner half way and can compromise where you conflict. Conflict will always happen--that's human--it is how we deal with it that conflict that keeps love alive.
2. Never get so caught up in your pain that you forget your partner is probably hurting as well. Sometimes when we get hurt we lash out at each other and the resulting damage escalates badly back and forth. If one of the two of you has the courage to say "I will not seek revenge," there is hope. If you each can say that, well then, there is real love there. And you will survive the down turns.
3. Say you are sorry. To paraphrase a famous quote: Love means always having to say you are sorry. And accepting that apology as well. Someone once told me that "sorry is a coin that wears thin over time." That is true. But it is also the best coin--maybe the only--coin you can spend when you are in the throes of pain and anger. None of us are perfect. We tend to make the same mistakes over and over. If you love, really love someone, you will give them the chance to say they are sorry and mean it. You will say you are sorry and mean it, too.

If you are luck enough to have found real love, true love, then you need to work on keeping it. Don't settle for anything less.

A Song for a New Year: Amanda Palmer "Hurt" Boston Pops - NYE 2009

In her introduction to this song Amanda Palmer says everything I have been feeling for the past three months:

Amanda Palmer: "It's been a really hard year for a lot of people and for me in a lot of ways... I am a firm believe in that there is no darkness without light and no light without darkness... If you can't go to the really dark places then you can't really have much joy... I have lost other people this year... I want to dedicate this song to putting everything in this year behind us...."

I hear the fat lady singing...

This has been a week of weird reflections for me. Thinking about the end of things. We are winding down to the end of the year. It is the end of the semester in school. In real life I am dealing with a death in the family.  But--and here is irony for you--it is the end of a love affair in Second Life that has hit me hardest of all.

I have avoided talking about all this in my blog here, because he never liked being the object of public discussion. He used to read my blog everyday. We used to chat everyday, we used to email, call, share our SL and RL lives. Then again, he used to love me. Ah well, things change. He doesn't read my blog any more (Google Analytics shows that to me). And he doesn't talk to me anymore. Not really. I get polite emails from time to time. Those friendly emails can hurt more than when we used to fight just because they are so polite, so cool. Distant, emotionless.

This week I realized (I have had some very long hours in the car thinking about stuff) that I have been spending most of 2009 waiting for "things to get better"--when all that happened was things got worse.

I could just count my blessings. I met him fell hard and fast, and had a glorious, wonderful, romantic nearly two years. Most of 2007 we were like (he used to say) teenagers in love. He was my obsession, and I was his. We couldn't keep our hands off each other.

All of 2008 we built our life together in Second Life. I gave him land in Valis for his rez day. We had an Italian villa he designed for me. He made me a studio to write in on the second floor. Then we bought airships and moved high in the sky. He had his shop on the ground. I was--still am--so very proud of his designs. We talked, laughed, had fun together. Couldn't bear to be apart for more than a day at a time.

Real life had demands on both of us. Real life came first we always said.

I remember once, after a fight, when we both went away angry and both immediately turned back around, he pointed out that we really were not capable of walking away from each other. He said: "I can't leave you. I always come back to you."

Here's a question: do we fall in love with a person? Or in love with the feeling of being in love? Or are they one and the same? What makes love go away? Do we just get tired of each other and the little annoyances become too much? How do you get around that? How do you make love last? Is it even possible?

And how do you let go when you don't want to let go? How do you by the one who left when it is a constant knife in the heart? Is it easier if you end it in anger? Because I can't be angry at him. I just hurt. All the time.

He said "Do you think we are the only star-crossed lovers that ever were? It will get better with time."

He was wrong. We are the only star-crossed lovers I ever was part of, and it isn't getting better.

Memories...

I have spent the last few days... well, the last week or so really, ever since Valis disappeared, collecting all my memories of it. I have always been a SL shutterbug. Problem is I have photos scattered across at least 4 computers/laptops (and let's not talk about the many flash and portable hard drives). The thing is SL is just so damn pretty. And in SL we are so damn pretty. And there are all those magic moments.

It is hard to not get caught up in the magic of Second Life, in the "SL effect"--that sense that the things that happen in the virtual world are sometimes more real than your real world. It is true, it can be dangerous and even painful to expect too much from a virtual world. To believe in the game. But here's the thing: in SL we are real people, too. I don't want to think of SL as a distraction from my real world--I like my RL. I think of SL as a beautiful addition to my life. Enrichment. I have met more people that I would never have had the chance to meet. I have learned how beautiful it can be to love someone in SL. I refuse point blank to believe that love is ever a bad thing. Or that happiness, however fleeting, is bad either. I refuse to think that time spent with another person, caring about, getting to know that person, intimately: mind, body, and soul--no matter what ever happens in the long run--I refuse to think that kind of connection is ever a mistake.

So I have been gathering my memories, of Valis, and of Firefly before it. Of Draven. Of Heron and Wren, Hawk, Mal. Of Dabrin, and of Jinara, Jhai, and Noir. Of everyone who came, and so briefly lived, and loved someone at Valis. I am gathering all my pictures--all my memories. And putting them up in Flickr.

Right here... where I can look and remember. And never regret a single moment.

Song for a silent Sunday: The Engine Driver by the Decemberists

And I am a writer, writer of fictions
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones

I am a writer, I am all that you have hoped on
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones
My bones
My bones

Quote du Jour: Cesare Pavese

"No one ever kills himself for the love of a woman, but because love--any love--reveals us in our nakedness, our misery" --Cesare Pavese

Why IM is an IMperfect Medium of Communication!

I had a conversation with a friend in SL in IM Monday night that went badly. We were both tired--exhausted from long hard work days. We both wanted to at least say hello, but we were both also ready to drop and wanted to go to bed instead of into SL. Instead of a nice chat, we both left felling frustrated for different reasons, each thinking the other was being hostile. The conversation began like this:
me: I was just waiting for you to say I'm sorry
him: what?
me: sorry I can't play tonight
him: oh sorry I can't play tonight

And here's the confusion. He heard me ask him for an apology from him for not being able to play and gave it, but it made him upset that I was angry. I was offering an apology for not being able to play and I thought that he was echoing my words to show that he had understood and accepted.

The basic limitations of SL chat or any IMing for that matter are in the lack of emotion that is conveyed. We add emoticons or acronyms (LOL, IMHO, etc) to compensate for that. But the thing that really clarifies for a reader what the writer is saying, where the intensity and the inflection goes, is punctuation and full sentences. Not only do we avoid excessive punctuation in IMs, but we also pare our words down. This makes for fast communication, but it also makes things we say able to be read in multiple ways.

What I said was really supposed to be:
"I was just waiting for you [to arrive], to say [to you that] I'm sorry. [What I am] sorry [about is that] I can't play tonight." (Subtext: I am really missing you and want to play but am too tired, please forgive me.)

What he heard was:
"I was just waiting for you to say [to me] 'I'm sorry,' [I want to hear you say:] sorry I can't play tonight." (Subtext: I am pissed and you owe me an apology.)

BIG difference, no?

Unfortunately the conversation took a downward spiral from there, with both of us on the defensive, both of us clueless as to why the other seemed angry. Fortunately after we had slept on it (albeit badly), and once we had compared notes, we figured out the miscommunication and really apologized to each other and laughed about it. We also came up with some rules for IM chat.

1. Don't assume the person who loves you and who you should trust is angry. If you are confused, ask them. Ask for clarification of the words just sent. ("Did you mean to say...").
2. Don't expect the need for clarity to be one-sided. People who know each other well may be able to read between the lines, but you can't depend on that. Ask if the other party understood your words. They will appreciate your concern.
3. Write in full sentences and use punctuation. Really. It may be slower in the short term, but it will save time and trouble in the long run.
4. Trust each other. Always be honest when you are bothered. Chances are there is something being miscommunicated.

So, out of curiosity, any of you out there have this same problem? What are your solutions? Your rules for IM chat?

Song for a Monday: "Everytime You Go Away"

... everytime you go away, you take a piece of me with you....

Times and Tides of SL Romance

So this evening as I was hanging out in Draven's Airship just hoping for him to pop on, my sister Jhai showed up. We sat and chatted, compared RL notes, talked about work a bit, what I have been writing, what she has been up to (she has a poem in a new anthology just published this month--you go girl!). I was just telling her my latest story of dancing with Draven in Steelhead in the ballroom when Jinara stomped in all upset. "Men. I hate Men! They are never there when you want them. Never around unless they want something from you!" She threw herself onto the couch between Jhai and I.

I could see Jhai rolling her eyes, but I asked what the problem was anyway and Jinara launched into a diatribe about Hawk. It seems she has been IMing Hawk again with no response. I don't know if I've told you all about Hawk. He is quite the man of mystery. Big, bad, and biker looking kind of guy, doesn't say much, but, oh my, what a hottie. Tall, dark, eye candy!

Hawk joined our little clan together with Heron, a tall leggy blonde (well to be honest we Serendipity girls are all blonde except for Wren who is in a goth phase right now) who has attitude in spades. Now Heron may be Hawk's GF, or wife, or ex-lover, or sister, or something else entirely to him. No one seems to know but those two and they aren't telling. All I know is that that they were together a lot, and they do seem to know each other in RL as well as in SL. Of late, though, Heron has been hanging out in Club Vicious and Hawk has been taking Jinara out. Well, when he is inworld that is, which isn't often at all. Hence Jinara's pique.

Jhai, as usual, launched into her Mommy-mode and immediately began telling Jinara how she didn't need a man to make her complete. How the world doesn't revolve around sex, not what Jinara wanted to hear at all. "I love him," she wailed, "I want him so much, but he is never here when I am! I don't think he loves me as much as I love him!"

Now I have been through several men already with my friend Jinara. First it was Malcolm, but she doesn't talk about him much anymore, and in fact none of us have seen him on in months. Then it was my own Draven she had a crush on, but he treated her like a kid sister. And there were brief flirtations with a guy named Jordan, and the DJ, Hotflash, at Blue Noise. Now it is Hawk. But is it really true love this time for her?

"You have to have some faith in your man, Sweetie," I told her, "I am sure Hawk cares for you." I tried to explain that the thing about SL is that it really is--and it has to be--secondary to our various realities. I paused to look at the clock and realized how late it had gotten and that I would not be seeing my Draven either that evening. Still I wanted to be supportive of Jinara so I said, "I am sure Hawk has just been really busy. I am sure he'd be here for you if he could be."

"No! That's just it! He was here. I've been messaging him and messaging him. And then he came on when I was AFK and when I didn't answer he left again! It is just not fair," she cried, "Why don't I ever get a break in love!"

Jhai laughed out loud at that one and I shot her a look hoping she'd get the clue that this was not funny to Jinara. "Kid," Jhai said, "It is all just the turn of the wheel. One day the universe spins all your way, the next it smacks you in the face and dumps you on your ass. You just gotta pick yourself up and move on. Send him another message. If he gets it and if he feels the same way about you that you do about him, he'll be back . . . eventually." Jhai stood up and left then, telling us she had to get out of this den of raging hormones and that we should both try to "focus for once on something other than men, for heaven's sake!"

I just shook my head. I was thinking of all the couples in SL who think that they have found true love, but then give up on it in a matter of weeks, or even days. I thought about Draven and I who have been together almost 18 months now. Will we last? Can an SL only relationship really stand the test of time. I heard Jinara say it again, "I love him so much! I really, really need him!" I know just how she feels. But I told her I was calling it a night, and I left her there. To be honest I didn't want to think about how often our connections in the virtual world are messed up by the real world getting in our way. I left her sitting in the growing dark. Waiting and hoping that the man she wants so much to be with will return to her if she is just patient enough, for long enough. I sure hope he does. I hope it for both of us.

Wonderland: Virtual Adultery and Cyberspace Love (Part 1)

So tell me, gang, how many of you think cybersex is cheating?

my quote for today: Jim Morrison

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” --Jim Morrison, poet and songwriter

Song for Super Sunday: "This is a Message from Your Heart" Kina Grannis

Don't break me, I bruise easily
The source of both your love and misery
I am steady, beating endlessly
While you are dozing, dreaming pretty things
Lovely things
I don't work for free
Please take care of me

This is a message from your heart
Your most devoted body part
Taking blood and making art
This is a message from your heart
Pounding away into the dark
You could thank me for a start

This is a message from your heart
Don't hurt me,
I bleed constantly
My efforts leave me but flow back swiftly
My rhythm, soothing, like raindrops steady
On foggy windows when you gaze outwardly
Peacefully

I don't work for free
Please take care of me
Please take care of me

This is a message from your heart
Your most devoted body part
Taking blood and making art
This is a message from your heart
Pounding away into the dark
You could thank me for a start

This is a message from your heart
Everytime you sleepEverytime you eat
Everytime you laughEverytime you cry
Every time you love

This is a message from your heart
Your most devoted body part
Taking blood and making art
This is a message from your heart
Pounding away into the dark
You could thank me for a start
This is a message from your heart

for more of Kina's music: http://www.myspace.com/kinagrannis
See her video blog at: http://www.twoweeksforkina.com

Saturday's Song: "Do What You Gotta Do" by Meg Baird

A Quote du Jour: Neil Gaiman

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build all these defenses. You build up a whole suit of armor so that nothing can hurt you. Then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you."