Monday, October 4, 2010

Knowing When to Walk Away

A long time ago a friend told me that I try so hard to pour oil on troubled waters that I end up polluting them. Something in me always seems to wants to fix all the broken things. Make all my friends happy. Make the ones I love love me back. Please everyone and at the same time be pleased by everyone. Balance my RL with my SL. I guess there has to come a point where you finally say to yourself this is just too broken to put it back together. 

Sometimes I suspect I spend too much time trying too hard to recapture a moment that is lost rather than making a new moment. Sometimes it is someone else who has so many filters that he only hears and sees what he expects to see. I think I did that pollution thing again today. I shouldn't have talked to him. I should have let it be. I keep coming back to try to start over and all I do is rip the scab off the wounds I thought were healed--both mine and his it seems. 

Sometimes I wish I knew why this one broken thing is so important to me. Sometimes I wish I didn't care. I guess I have finally come to the point where I know I have no choice but to let go.  

He would say I am seeing only black and white--stay or go. But what other option is there? The fact is, he always played his cards so close to the chest I don't know what the best path is. I had no clues so I always blundered about believing the best. And I seem to have hurt him, been hurting him, keep hurting him. Could I hurt him so much if he didn't care at all for me? The dumb thing is I don't even know, I truly do not know what it is I do that he calls drama and emotion. 

Two weeks ago I said hello I wasn't angry, wasn't emotional. A little sad, a little hopeful. But not expecting anything. Just wanting to tell him I still care. Not asking him to take me back. Just wanted to say I hoped he was well and happy. Do I say to much? Wear my heart on my sleeve? Probably. He brought up the things I said last month. I wanted to clear it up. I should have said nothing. Should have walked away and let it go. How did my being hurt by his new relationship cause him so much anger? If he doesn't care for me, should he even give a damn what I think? If he does still care for me, shouldn't he want to talk? To meet halfway and find a place we can at least be friends? All I ever wanted to do was to make him happy. All we ever do any more is hurt each other. 

He used to call us star-crossed lovers. But then he dumped me. Nearly a year ago he walked away, said it was too much and he had no time for SL and that he didn't want me any more because I was messing up his RL, and RL was too important. Okay. I can buy that. RL has to come first. Hell, I came close to trashing my RL because of the intensity of my feelings for him. I needed to refocus, too. I have been putting that back together, slowly, only because my RL love has also made an effort. But then that's what RL is about. Being real to each other. 

So how dumb am I for chasing a man in SL who won't talk to me, won't listen to me, doesn't believe me, and clearly doesn't want me?  

I have spent the last year wandering lost. Thinking about him a dozen times a day and learning how not to cry. And then still crying. Pouring over old emails and chats and pictures. Getting my hopes up on the rare occasions he spoke to me or was friendly. Falling apart when he smacked me down and was cold. Trying to find my footing in SL again without him. Half a dozen times I have thought about deleting this avatar. About starting over. I threw myself at other men, but in the end no one else was him. I made new friends, good friends, friends who were a distraction. I went dancing, flirted, had fun. But never could get him out of my mind. Never got him out of my heart. I still looked for him online. Me still being Stalker Chick. 

You know what is funny? The first year he loved it when I blogged about him. The second year he said I was putting pressure on him. In the end he said he hated my blog--I deleted it, then I resurrected most of it but took all mention of him out. I still can't bring myself to say his name here. And yet I can't stop thinking, and writing, about him. 


Last night I did it again. Sent him another email that he will not respond to. How dumb am I?

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