How NOT to make a Good Impression on a Woman

Phat Cats (1), originally uploaded by Tsai Jie.

Went to Phat Cats on Monday because my friend Thorgal sent out an invite. Lovely place, great music, and elegant (if laggy) surroundings. Since Thor was busy dancing with Molly, I jumped on a pink ball with a nice looking fellow named Lawrence (for reasons you will see below, I am leaving off his last name, but just let me say he must be related to a certain Godfather). His profile gave his rez day back in 2006, so this was no noob--even though he acted like one.

We introduced ourselves and took a few sweeping turns around the floor when he asked: "How old are you?" I made some non-committal noises about never asking a lady her age, but next he wanted to know vital statistics: Height, weight, hair color, cup size. This took me a bit aback and at first I started answering: "Yes, real blonde, longish hair, 5'3" ... C cup, if you must know...." but he wouldn't stop. Wanted the age. Wanted the weight. While giving out those is not generally a problem for me it just bugged me that he kept pushing.

Hell, I had already handed him an RL photo of me that I have tucked in my SL photo album, but due to the lag he said it wouldn't rezz for him. I pointed out that this questioning was rude behavior in SL where many people prefer to keep RL info private and we are all an illusion anyway. I mean WTF?

I thought I might convince him that there is more to a person than looks so I told him I wanted answers to a couple questions, too. Asked about his favorite authors, books he's read, movies, music. Shared my own tastes in those departments--something he did not seem interested about at all. But he kept returning to age. Now I was getting pissed.

Eventually I said okay. Told him I was "born in the year of the Dragon." Took him a couple minutes to Wikipedia that, but then he came back with the date ranges for YotD over the last century and he wanted to know which Dragon: Fire, Wood, Water? By now I was so done with this that I told him was I born in 1904.  And he still wouldn't quit pushing.

Finally I told him: "Assume I am either 1) Young, moderately pretty, and grossly overweight or that I am 2) older than you, gorgeous, and thin as a rail. You pick which you prefer." (Just for the curious, I do not fit either of those profiles--you can think of me as average!)  That, too, was not good enough and he persisted with the questions. I finally thanked him for the dance, told him it had been interesting--because I had learned so much more about the man he was by his questions than he had learned from me. Jumped off the pose balls and left.

I am sure I will be back to Phat Cats, but you won't catch me dancing with Larry there (or anywhere else) ever again!

Phat Cats (2), originally uploaded by Tsai Jie.

Quote du Jour: On Waiting

"The opposite of talking isn't listening. It's waiting." -- Fran Lebowitz

Virtual Romance takes a dive on XKCD

Visit xkcd: a webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math and language!

Why IM is an IMperfect Medium of Communication!

I had a conversation with a friend in SL in IM Monday night that went badly. We were both tired--exhausted from long hard work days. We both wanted to at least say hello, but we were both also ready to drop and wanted to go to bed instead of into SL. Instead of a nice chat, we both left felling frustrated for different reasons, each thinking the other was being hostile. The conversation began like this:
me: I was just waiting for you to say I'm sorry
him: what?
me: sorry I can't play tonight
him: oh sorry I can't play tonight

And here's the confusion. He heard me ask him for an apology from him for not being able to play and gave it, but it made him upset that I was angry. I was offering an apology for not being able to play and I thought that he was echoing my words to show that he had understood and accepted.

The basic limitations of SL chat or any IMing for that matter are in the lack of emotion that is conveyed. We add emoticons or acronyms (LOL, IMHO, etc) to compensate for that. But the thing that really clarifies for a reader what the writer is saying, where the intensity and the inflection goes, is punctuation and full sentences. Not only do we avoid excessive punctuation in IMs, but we also pare our words down. This makes for fast communication, but it also makes things we say able to be read in multiple ways.

What I said was really supposed to be:
"I was just waiting for you [to arrive], to say [to you that] I'm sorry. [What I am] sorry [about is that] I can't play tonight." (Subtext: I am really missing you and want to play but am too tired, please forgive me.)

What he heard was:
"I was just waiting for you to say [to me] 'I'm sorry,' [I want to hear you say:] sorry I can't play tonight." (Subtext: I am pissed and you owe me an apology.)

BIG difference, no?

Unfortunately the conversation took a downward spiral from there, with both of us on the defensive, both of us clueless as to why the other seemed angry. Fortunately after we had slept on it (albeit badly), and once we had compared notes, we figured out the miscommunication and really apologized to each other and laughed about it. We also came up with some rules for IM chat.

1. Don't assume the person who loves you and who you should trust is angry. If you are confused, ask them. Ask for clarification of the words just sent. ("Did you mean to say...").
2. Don't expect the need for clarity to be one-sided. People who know each other well may be able to read between the lines, but you can't depend on that. Ask if the other party understood your words. They will appreciate your concern.
3. Write in full sentences and use punctuation. Really. It may be slower in the short term, but it will save time and trouble in the long run.
4. Trust each other. Always be honest when you are bothered. Chances are there is something being miscommunicated.

So, out of curiosity, any of you out there have this same problem? What are your solutions? Your rules for IM chat?

Famous Courtesans of History: Lalage of Rome

Homer mentioned her in an ode, saying:

"That smile so sweet, that voice so sweet,
Shall still enchant me."

Kipling dedicated an entire poem to her power over men:

It’s twenty-five marches to Narbo,

It’s forty-five more up the Rhone,

And the end may be death in the heather

Or life on an Emperor’s throne.

But whether the Eagles obey us,

Or we go to the Ravens—alone,

I’d sooner be Lalage’s lover

Than sit on an Emperor’s throne!

But who was she? Legend has it that Lalage was a courtesan of ancient Rome, a woman of beauty, wit, charm, and power in a patriarchal society. But if truth be told, no one really knows if there was a woman such as Kipling's Lalage. We do know that the ancient Greeks had a class of courtesans called hetairae, women who were not just prostitutes or ordinary paid sex workers, but rather educated and highly intellectual, and invariably foreign, women. We also know that the hetaira of Greece and Syria eventually became the meretrices of Rome. What were these women and why were they better than ordinary prostitutes?

In his Dialogues of the Courtesans, Lucian (second century AD) relates an exchange between two friends about a successful courtesan: "In the first place, she dresses attractively and looks neat; she's gay with all the men, without being so ready to cackle as you are, but smiles in a sweet bewitching way; later on, she's very clever when they're together, never cheats a visitor or an escort, and never throws herself at the men. If ever she takes a fee for going out to dinner, she doesn't drink too much--that's ridiculous, and men hate women who do--she doesn't gorge herself--that's ill-bred, my dear--but picks up the food with her finger-tips, eating quietly and not stuffing both cheeks full, and, when she drinks, she doesn't gulp, but sips slowly from time to time. . . . Also, she doesn't talk too much or make fun of any of the company, and has eyes only for her customer. These are the things that make her popular with the men. Again, when it's time for bed, she'll never do anything coarse or slovenly, but her only aim is to attract the man and make him love her; these are the things they all praise in her."

Rome made a fine art of licensed prostitution all the way up through the Renaissance. Influenced by the hetairea brought back to the city from wars, class divisions arose among the various women engaged in prostitution. According to Marcellus, "This is the difference between a meretrix [courtesan] and a prostibula [ a common streetwalker]: a meretrix is of a more honorable station and calling; for meretrices are so named a merendo (from earning wages) because they plied their calling only by night; prostibulu because they stand before the stabulum (stall) for gain both by day and night."

The courtesans of ancient Rome were real and many. Roman men turned to their slave women for basic sexual gratification, to wives to provide them with children, but it was to the courtesans, the foreign hetairea to whom they turned for comfort, companionship and, indeed, for romance. These women may have held more power through their patrons than even the matrons of Rome. And whether or not one of them named Lalage was a vision in the heart of the ordinary Roman soldier as Kipling's beautiful poem claims, there is no doubt that her trade was a thriving one with over 40 different terms for the registration of prostitution in Rome alone.

The name Lalage literally means to talk, and likely--if there was a real Lalage--it was for her mind and her conversation she was beloved, not just for her body. That, gentlemen, is all the difference between a courtesan and a prostitute.

SL Sociology 101 by Corwyn Allen

[The following is an article written by an RL friend of mine who has recently discovered SL and who, familiar with the many masks of role-play, has taken a close look at what he sees in the world of SL fantasy. --Tsai]

All the World’s a Stage

So here I am, chatting up this lovely young avatar in Second Life, telling her how I’m going to eventually buy some land and start building a place of my own when she asks me, “So what will you be role-playing?” I had to take a long pause. I’d never heard that question asked in SL. Granted, I’ve only been playing a scant few months, but still, it’s not even a question I’d asked myself. Why? Because to me SL *is* role-playing. I mean, here we are, taking new names, creating new bodies for our avatars, and putting on clothing (or in some cases taking it off) that we’d never be able to wear in Real Life (RL from here on out). We’re creating characters that are sometimes extensions of how we see ourselves in our minds' eye, and sometimes characters that are so far away from who we are as to be completely unrecognizable by even the creators of that character. Then we create personal spaces, homes that are castles or pagodas, or high rise apartment buildings, sometimes even floating in the sky. And let’s not forget the virtual sex. It turns phone sex into a cheap date. Now if that isn’t role-playing, I’m not sure I know what is. To me, all of SL is role-playing no matter what you personally do with it.

You Can Lead a Horticulture…

I guess that needs clarification. There are many more different cultures in SL than one can ever find outside of science fiction or fantasy novels in RL. There are of course those that spill over from RL, the Goths, the Vampires, the Furries and others who inhabit Sci-Fi Cons (science fiction conventions to the initiated). These people create their own spaces and avatars that emulate what they do to a lesser degree in RL. The Nekos, or Cat People, are one example. These folks create avatars that look like Anime humanoid cats. I have seen examples of people in RL getting piercings and tattoos and even skin implants to emulate given animals, like one man who had implants put into his upper lip so he could attach cat whiskers, and then got cat’s eye contact lenses and wears ears and fur and cat makeup. And a guy who got an all body tattoo to resemble lizard scales and skin implants to make his head more lizard-like. These are considered extreme in RL, but in SL it’s all par for the course because the ears, whiskers, and even tails become part of your SL body. And you don’t need to mutilate your RL body to do it. In fact you can change your body any time you want. I only wish I had the physique in RL that I have given myself in SL. Woo-hoo!

Tripping the Light Fantasia

But let’s not forget the folks who just go for a relatively normal appearance. Ok, so there’s nothing “normal” about everyone looking like they just stepped out of Cosmo or Today’s Man, but that’s not the point. No one in SL, at least no one I’ve yet encountered, ever builds an avatar that looks enough like themselves in RL that you could put their RL picture up next to their SL picture and not be able to tell them apart. They want an idealized version of themselves. So even if they don’t go Goth or Neko or LGM from outer space they’re still a fantasy character.

So what does that mean? It means that we’re here for the fantasy. We can do things in SL we can’t do in RL. I’d love to be able to fly without having to use an airplane or even have wings. I’d love to be able to teleport from one place to another. But more than that, I’d love to be able to chat up or flirt with a pretty young woman I’ve never met without fear of getting hit with a sexual harassment suit, or just plain hit. (Ow!) But it’s even more than that. We’re here for the relationships. So let’s talk about that.

There are all kinds of things one can do in SL with a partner (or partners if that’s your thing). From simple cuddling on some cushions, to dancing to . . . well, you get the idea. And there are graphic, um, aids, that can enhance these experiences. And this leads to arousal of varying degrees in RL. I have to admit to feeling aroused while slow dancing with a pretty avatar. Just watching the avatars interact can be very stimulating. And once you get to intimate chatting with your partner the experience increases.

Only the Lonely?

So why do we come to SL to do this? I think because in many cases we simply can’t do it in RL. Oh sure, we might be able to if the opportunity presented itself, but that’s the point. For some people that opportunity is not going to present itself in RL for a variety of reasons. One person may not be what is considered physically attractive. Another may have the social skills of a goat. Yet another may simply be afraid of social encounters. But in SL you can find those opportunities in wild abundance. The chances for casually intimate (no, that’s not an oxymoron) relationships in SL are as abundant as wild flowers in a spring meadow. Let’s revisit the avatar’s appearance for a minute. Someone is going to build the most attractive avatar for themselves that they can. They've created a flower to attract butterflies. In RL they may not be that pretty flower and the people they would want to attract in RL wouldn’t give them the time of day. But in SL it’s easy. And once people come up to you or allow you to approach them the door is open to further social interaction.

But it’s not all about the appearance. That’s just the initial attractor. Remember I said that our characters are extensions of our RL selves. How we physically see ourselves in our own minds. So once the initial virtual pheromone has been sent out by way of the appearance of the avi (short for avatar) one now has to introduce the persona. We have to speak and act a certain way in order to maintain the attractiveness. Some personae, once they open their virtual mouths immediately turn other persons off no matter how attractive they are (gee, just like in RL). Still others have a way with words that enhance the visual attractiveness. This is what I call the Romance Factor.

Romancing the Grid

I think we are all looking for romance in one form or another. For some romance can take the form of the casual liaison or even just sex, virtual or otherwise (I have to pause here and quote a favorite writer, Spider Robinson, who had one of his characters comment on making love vs. just plain having sex as saying, “I tried fucking. There’s nothing wrong with it. There’s just not enough right with it”). For others it’s all about how the person you’re with makes you feel by what they say to you and how they phrase it. Some people in SL are looking for a girlfriend or boyfriend that they can’t manage to find in RL. Someone who makes them feel special or cherished. They come to SL because they’re lonely and need that romantic lift in their lives. They need to be able to speak openly and freely without fear of the consequences or repercussions one might encounter in RL. Some want to have multiple and varied partners perhaps because they don’t want to be tied to one avi or because their own fantasies cover different venues, one time being an elegant Regency Period gentleman, the next a Medieval Lord or a Harley Biker with a jet pack. The roles can change in SL. They don’t have to be static. And so the Romance Factor is further enhanced.

Lookin’ for Love in all the Virtual Spaces

We must, however be sure not to confuse virtual romance with real love. And of course that brings us to an interesting question. Just what is love and how does it equate through feeling romantic in a game? I’m not sure I know the answer to that. (Anyone? Bueller?) I think there is a danger of “falling in love” with an avatar as opposed to the persona behind the avatar. I’ve known at least one real person who has come to love an SL persona, but their relationship, while totally electronic (they live in different part of the country and have never met outside SL), has been fulfilling for both and they have related on both an SL and an RL level. This is a romance between the real people behind the personae, not just between role-played avatars or those avatars' personae.

In any case, I think one should approach SL relationships with caution. Feelings can be just as fragile in the virtual world as in the real. Be up front and be honest. You may find it’s much easier in SL than in RL. In fact, SL may actually make social interaction easier for the person who is more socially inept in RL who can interact here with people up front and honestly without being overtly offensive or worse, being terrified to act at all.

The Final Frontier

In summation, what we have is a lot of people leading dull, dreary, lonely or just plain uninteresting Real Lives looking for the excitement of romance in a personally tailored Second Life. But unlike RL, in SL you can put less in and get more out of it. But of course SL isn’t inhabited by only those looking for romance. A good time can be had by all, and that good time varies with personal interests. The intent of this article is to only focus on the role-playing and romance aspects of SL.

So at the end of the day we find ourselves drawn to our fantasies, be they bodice-ripping romance novels, a favorite television show in which we become invested in the characters on the screen, or Second Life. The real world around is vast, but at the same time too constricting. We must obey the laws, whether of physics or of government. We must be aware that in RL one person’s charming conversation is another person’s sexist or racist remark. If you bump into someone you should ask their pardon, and you can’t walk under water. But in SL, if at first you don’t succeed, redraw your avi and start again. No one is going to have you arrested, or sent to court and fined, and the worst that can happen is that you can get booted off SL for abuse (see their terms of agreement). You can do a lot with SL as long as you remember it’s only a role-playing fantasy and RL is still out there waiting for you to get up on Monday morning and go to work so you can continue to pay for your SL account and Internet access. Just a final word of caution; be careful about letting your SL spill over into your RL. That man you’re kissing may just turn out to be a woman.

Communication Rules: The Trouble with Text or What I Have Learned the Hard Way

George Bernard Shaw once said: "The greatest problem in communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished." And this is doubly true in Second Life where so much is dependant on the use of Chat, a minimalist mode of expression at best, as the main form of communication. Add to that the emotional connections that take place in SL (whether casual sex, true love, the SL effect, or a combination of these) and you have a recipe for disasters.

The problem is that for many people relationships formed in SL are transitory, easily discarded if they don't fulfill the immediate needs or desires of the individuals involved. Understand here that I am not saying there is anything wrong with one-night stands, just that the information that you are only interested in those fleeting transitory relationships needs to be said up front in an SL encounter. Good communication early on saves us from hurt later.

Here are some simple rules for chat communication in SL:

1. Stay aware of the flow of the conversation. Often in chat the response comes 2 lines down in the text block. Quite often the line that immediately follows someone's statement is not the response to that statement, but a response to something said one comment further up the chain. If it feels funny it probably is and you are mishearing what your partner said. Repeat the question, ask for clarification. Yes, that takes extra time, but being sure you are both on the same page is well worth it.

2. Don't let your own agenda get in the way of listening. We often get so busy prepping and thinking of what we will say next, that we aren't listening to what the other person is actually saying. Pay attention as you type to the lines of text the other person is interjecting. If you have turned off the typing animation (as so many of us have because it is annoying) you may not even be aware when your partner is speaking. You do have to look up from the keyboard and read as well as type.

3. Ask questions, listen to the answers. Be patient. Don't be in such a hurry that you run over your partner's conversation. Remember that listening to what the fellow you are chatting up has to say is the best way to get to know him. There is nothing that will turn a man off faster than you nattering at him without listening to what he has to say, or continually talking about yourself without asking him abut himself. You know that pleasantry: "How are you?" Don't just throw it around, use it intentionally. Ask the questions and wait for a real response.


4. Indicate your real emotions. Like email, IM is void of emotion. Sarcasm can easily be misconstrued as anger, teasing as annoyance. To keep straight the subtle nuances of text speech use IM acronyms to show when you find things funny (LOL, LMAO, ROTFL), to show you are happy (VBG) or to show when you are annoyed (AAK, WTF, EOC). A technique frequently used in SL is to give body language cues in text with asterisks (*raises one eyebrow* ) or brackets ( <> ). Unique to SL is the use of "/me" to demonstrate action. For instance, in the chat line if I were to type "/me blows you a kiss" you would see "Tsai Jie blows you a kiss"--the "/me" is just a channel command to insert the name of the speaker allowing you to perform an action without the colon that would otherwise be between your name and your words. The more "body language" you add to your chat the better able your readers will be at interpreting your real meanings.

5. Be patient. IM moves at the speed of the slowest typist. If you are a speed typist and your partner is slow, you will need to be patient. If you are the slow one try breaking your text into smaller bits . . . shorter phrases . . . use ellipses to indicate that . . . you are not done speaking yet . . . and a period to show when you are done. Or just go to voice chat.

Communication is the basis of all human relationships. In SL as in RL romances, good and honest communication is the key to making it work!

Worst SL Pick-up Lines

There is a closed thread on SL Forums called "Best/Worst Pick-up Lines in SL." Now I know I have discussed this issue before, but some of this is just so damn funny it cries out to be shared. If you go to the thread there is a lot of fun banter among the posters discussing social etiquette in SL as well as sharing the worst they have heard. I found the 23 page (no shit) long thread a fun read for a snowed in Saturday afternoon.

Several people mentioned they had experienced the kind of lines we have all heard, the traditional noob approach, including: "You're beautiful. Wanna fuck?" or (delivered with enthusiastic hope) "We will have sex now! Yes?"

Then there are the broken English (or just limited lexical/grammatical skill) variants: "mak fuk?" and "u r hot. i wan fuk u." and (my favorites) "make sexies now plz?" or "Oh hai! I can has sex wid u now?"

Regarding language, I am in total agreement here with Trout, who said: "The weird thing is that the intimacy and the primary point of sex in SL is what is being said through IMs, chat or even voice. I refuse to believe it's avatars humping on poseballs. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's only part of the fantasy that is being mutually created by the people involved--without the words, it's like watching a movie with the sound off. If the people involved don't speak the same language, how on earth are they going to enjoy the experience? If I were out fooling around with random people, I wouldn't even think to approach someone who doesn't speak English. I can scratch out a little German and some Spanish, but after I count to ten, order a beer and ask where the train station and the bathroom is, I'm pretty much done with them. 'Heh--Eins, zwei, drei, Ich bin Trout. Dos Cervesas. Donde esta la Bana? Mak fuk?' I can't see that as being much fun. . . . it's stupid to try to hit on someone in SL in a language which you do not speak fluently. . . . If you get the language right, it's going to take forever to get through it, and unless you're having weird tantric all-day-long sex with Sting, who has that kind of time?"

As for just plain bad pick-up lines, the fun folks on the SL Forum thread contributed these:

These three get a couple of points for attempted wit: "Hi Red...I'm Blue...I know a couple of poseballs with our names on them" (contributed by Merielle). "Is that a sculptie in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?" (contributed by Ylikone). "You are over a year old, that's hot" (contributed by Foehn).

Guaranteed to be taken as a compliment (not): "I love your boobs. I don't like them big" (contributed by Alesia). Followed by its converse: "Hey babe...did you slide those yourself?" (contributed by Giz).

Let's not forget Vampire pick up lines: "Hey baby where have you been all my undeath?" (contributed by Collette).

And one more for the ESL grouping: "Are you agree to give pleausure to me, showing your breasts..? ;-)" (contributed by Taylor). In another post Damianos pointed out that: "When looking for a date, Babelfish is a terrible wingman...."

My own personal all-time favorite bad pick-up line was from a fellow wearing only strategically placed straps who came up to me and said: "You look like you need a master. Are you looking for a master?" To which I responded: "If I was I am certain it wouldn't be someone with your charming approach and subtle sense of romance." He just said, "Okay." Then thanked me for the compliment (compliment? sheesh!) and left. Sarcasm is wasted on some people.

There are, however, men out there in SL who have that certain je ne sais quoi. The ones who know what to say, know when to say it, and have something (taste? tact? poise? manners?) that is also probably working for them in RL as well. So, just to leave you on a lighter note, here are some pick-up lines that worked:

Oryx tells of a fellow who walked up to her in a club and asked, "Anyway a newbie in a bad tuxedo could get a girl like you to dance with him?" She says she couldn't resist that and had a nice evening of dancing with the fellow.

Max's story is from the noob's perspective: "My first day in SL, I stopped at a waterfront home and walked in (hey, I didn't know it wasn't right to do that), anyway, there was a woman there changing clothes with no top on. I said 'Did you know you have no top on?' Well of course nothing happened then, I wasn't out for the sex thing, I didn't even know there was sex in SL at the time, that's how new I was. . . one thing led to another and, after many ups and downs, we are not only married in SL, but engaged in RL. Gave her a one carat diamond ring just last weekend."

My own two best pick-up lines come from men who turned out not be not only erudite and witty, but sexy, romantic lovers as well. One was on a crowded boardwalk where a Spanish speaking noob was looking for help. When I sadly told him I didn't speak any Spanish, only French, a good-looking fellow stepped up and began speaking to the noob in Spanish. Thinking the situation was well in hand, I made to move on when the handsome one said: "Don't leave, you are the most beautiful thing I've seen in SL." What girl could resist a line like that? We are still close friends.

The other best line came from a man who asked me about my name, but since I've told that story before I won't go into it again--suffice to say, girls, that when you find the man who uses the right line, who is creative and intelligent and has a romantic soul, who can make you feel special as well as drive you crazy . . . hang on to him for all you are worth!

cross-posted to Viscious Studios by Vicious Tsai Jie

On Getting Married in Second Life: Part 2, The Day

So here it is, my friend's big day, and I gotta say that even if I am not fond of weddings I have been looking forward to this (despite having to wear pink). I'm looking at it as a sort of a cross between social engagement and sociology research. We have been instructed by the Wedding Planner (read "Wedding Nazi," the Barbie doll from last night's fracas) to be at the Chapel promptly one half hour early. I arrive on time with the friend who is giving the bride away, the DJ is there, too, and with in a few minutes the groom and the best man arrive. The bride is within teleport distance for quick arrival at the appropriate moment. And then the Wedding-Nazi shows. I am beginning to suspect dramatic entrances are her best (or only) trick. At least she is wearing a skirt that covers her ass today.

She gets up a group IM conference to give up our instructions and cues (so what was the purpose of that rehearsal last night then, huh?), and she begins role call. "Is the bridesmaid here?" Hello! Right in front of you! "Where's the best man?" Hello again, right in front of you! "The groom? Speak up! Tell me if you are here!" He is also in front of her. I begin to suspect a vision problem. The bride accidentally loses connection to the group conference and the Wedding-Nazi informs all of us as she "slaps the nervous bride" (Slaps! No shit!).

Meanwhile an early guest who's profile proclaims her to be a Model/Porn Star (and which says "Just IM me if you want any of those things") can't seem to find her way out of the aisle and to a seat. Or it may be that she was too distracted trying to pick up the friend who is standing in for "father of the bride" (aka the FOTB). At this point Barbie the WN tells the bride and groom they will have to shout during the ceremony because the back row (where no one but the DJ is sitting) is out of chat range (so, like the DJ couldn't move up a row?). Promptly on the hour, even though not all the guests are here and the ones who are are still milling about and not sitting down, the DJ cues the wedding march and it is GO, GO, GO!

The ceremony is mostly cool. Guests wander in and take seats. There is a slow moment when the best man can't find his pose ball, and the groom has forgotten to change his group tag, so we have a Bride & Social Worker--which I think is kinda cute in a semi-surreal way. The WN now in her role as minister SHOUTS the service and a lot of stuff about God and Faith and True Love and The Institution of Marriage, and I begin to wonder if someone should remind her we are a bunch of cartoons in a fake world here, but I decide to let my inner Daoist just take it all in stride. I do have to pause and wonder when she does the "in sickness and in health part" (I just keep seeing some SL bride saying "Yes, dear, I still love your avatar even though he is now grossly deformed by the pox"). But the Bride and Groom/Social Worker seem happy and that is what counts.

Then there are rings and the "Man & Wife Pronouncement" and Voila--they are kissing. For like forever. And whispering sweet endearments to each other. But the Wedding Nazi is insistent--it is photo time. There are pose balls for this, too. And it is "line up" and "not there, over there" and much snapping of photos (3000 Lindens for 10 professionally taken pics). The best man has booked already, so the FOTB has to get in the pictures. Next it is across a little bridge to the reception area.

"First we must cut the cake!" yells the Barbie the WN, who is for some reason is still shouting. "Smear it on each other," she instructs the happy couple. (First "Slap," now "Smear"? Truly charming . . . Not.) The wedding guest model/porn star wants to dance with the FOTB and is loudly announcing to the crowd that she's three weeks pregnant. "Can you see the bump?" she asks all and sundry. Oh goodie, a PPSM (pregnant porn star model)!

And then we have to toast. "Touch the champaign bucket!" Barbie insists. I pick up my glass of champagne and refrain from correcting either her spelling or her manners. But I am having a good time dissing this WN in IM with the FOTB who has managed to escape the clutches of the PPSM (you are following all this alphabet soup, right?). Then there is also a flinging of the garter. Well, at least there would have been one anyway, had the animations done their job like good little animations should. And finally it is time for Barbie-doll-the-Wedding-Nazi to leave. "Don't forget to show your appreciation at the tip jars," she tells everyone (I have counted 3 for her and 1 for the DJ), and it's kiss-kiss and she's gone.

The bride and groom mingle and chat with the guests. I dance and flirt heavily with the very handsome FOTB (and shortly after that we wandered off together for more "intimate" dancing). The remainder of the evening being left to one very happy couple and their happily partying friends. All in all, an interesting experience. (Do you know the ancient Chinese curse that goes "May you live in interesting times"?)

On Getting Married in Second Life: Part 1, Rehearsing

I am having a unique experience this weekend (No, I am NOT getting SL partnered--perish the thought!), I am going to be a bridesmaid in an SL "wedding." No shit. Me who doesn't even like to go to weddings in RL! This is a favor for a friend of a friend, and so far I gotta say one of the oddest things I've done in SL to date.

Last night was the wedding rehearsal. Clearly this is a big deal for the folks who do this stuff. But I have to wonder how much of marriage today is a demonstration of the love between two people and how much is due to our indoctrination (through media hype) that has pushed us as a society to believe that all relationships must end in monogamy and be blessed, not just by a church or the state, but by an over-commercialized capitalist economy that sells expensive white dresses you can only ever wear once?

But okay, never mind all that. Here I am, having agreed to walk down the aisle and support a friend on her special day, and we arrive at rehearsal time at the "Wedding Sim" a mostly lovely place with waterfalls and a park and flowers. Unfortunately the pretty little chapel area, with its white benches, rose arbor, and pink ribbons, has also got a great mucking huge tacky sign that tells you the cost of everything. 10,000 Lindens it says just for invitations!

The wedding rehearsal was scheduled for 5:30 pm. Everyone was there, the bride, the groom, the best man and me, and the friend who is giving the bride away, everyone but the person who demanded there be a rehearsal: the wedding consultant/minister/woman who makes her living on these events. So we stand around and wait for the "Minister," and all the while the tacky sign spews out periodic clouds of particle doves flying (it appears) sideways. We get to try on our wedding finery (I am wearing pink) and discuss flowers and shoes, but then we give it up for the evening.

Two hours later the minister-person IMs us all and asks us to please assemble immediately at the Chapel area. So like good little sheep we trot over. All of us but the best man who is having log-in problems. The woman in charge (let's call her "The Wedding Nazi") is a nine-foot tall Barbie doll avatar (huge boobs, tiny waist, that shiny plastic skin look, and an outfit worthy of Ballerina Barbie) who--despite the tag over her her head that describes her as "Charming"--begins barking commands at us like we are second-graders on the short bus. Now I am not all that wed-tiqutte savvy, I know, but how much intelligence does it take to step on an animation that takes you down an aisle and from there leap to a pose ball?

Ms. Wedding-Nazi makes us all jump around a bit on command, and then the best man finally arrives. Now never mind that she was 2 hours late (for which I never heard her apologize) and has made the rest of us jump through hoops, the first words out of her mouth to the best man are to insult and laugh at him. What happened is that as he is rezzing, his textures don't appear. So we have a fellow in white and black with "missing textures"--hey, no big deal, it happens. Polite people might realize we can't always see when we are missing textures and suggest a rebake. But in this case he also has his genitals on and they have materialized outside the missing textures. This is an also not-uncommon, and sometimes unavoidable, occurrence in SL. Polite people would send a private IM saying something like "don't look now but your cock is showing," but not her. She cackles out loud, and in public chat does the SL equivalent of point and laugh--charming indeed.

This afternoon is the wedding. For the sake of the Bride and Groom who really are lovely people, I am just hoping that "Ms. Manners" manages not to: A) be late, or B) insult any guests.

I remember a co-worker once telling me that "every little girl dreams of her wedding day. . ." and I wondered what was wrong with me that I really didn't give a damn about the day, but I had some really clear visions of what the any man who wants to tie me down had to be! Somehow in this whole "wedding thing," it seems to me that people get crazy and get all hung up on dresses and tuxes and cakes and invitations and forget about the lovers. If you ask me, that misses the entire point of what real love should be about. N'est pas?

To be continued . . . Tune in tomorrow for "Part 2: the Big Day"

Narrating the Sensual Senses

In RL we are bombarded daily with sensations: sound, sight, smell, taste, touch. In SL we are a bit more limited. All we have is the visual (our avatars and animations) and verbal (chat and IM) for expressing ourselves--although happily that verbal is sometimes now audio (the second life voice viewer is live) as well as text. But without the sensation of touch, the ability to run fingertips over skin, to let lips connect, to feel the pleasure of orgasm and ejaculation, how can sex in SL be as gratifying as that in real life? For some it can't. For those, however, who are willing to let their imaginations go, there is a a remarkable wealth of sensations that can be described and thus imagined along with the physical release that comes from the mutual masturbation that accompanies SL sex.

Think about it. Some of the most remarkable pleasures of a sexual relationship are not in the end product: orgasm, but rather are those small things that trigger imagination and desire. The warmth and strength of a holding lover's hand in yours carries with it the memory every hand that you have ever held, from the security of the parent's hand when you were a child to that first daring time you touched a member of the opposite sex, to the fingers of the most desired lover you can't forget. When you describe twining your fingers with those of your SL partner--describe the way your fingers slide into his, describe feeling the strength of his hand that could crush yours yet holds you with a touch as light as a butterfly--you evoke the memories he carries as well as your own. We connect best in SL when those memory patterns overlap, when both partners have the same sort of pleasurable memories to draw on. Another way of saying this is that you must be willing or able to connect on some inner levels with your partner. Know what he likes and dislikes.

Take scents for instance. Scents are remarkable triggers of memory. Lavender always reminds me of my grandmother, pleasant memories, but not conducive to romance. Jasmine, however, makes me feel sexy, exotic. I can trigger either scent in my own brain by its description, by merely naming it. No olfactory stimulation necessary. So if I tell my lover that I love the way he smells, like cinnamon and deep woods, and when I tell him that if he buries his face in my hair I will smell of oranges and jasmine, I am triggering my own memories of certain sexy men's colognes, of cooking in a kitchen with a lover, and of my own sexual identity.

He, too, has to on some level, think of those as sexy agreeable scents and also be able to imagine them. If he has never smelled jasmine he might be able to as least conjure an image of flowers and connect that to a romantic moment. But if cinnamon reminds him of pumpkin pie and Christmas and family things, that might not be the frame of reference I want to evoke for a truly lusty encounter. The important thing is to listen to what your lover is saying, pay attention to how he responds to your descriptive moments in IM or voice. Don't get so carried away by your own narrative that you forget to listen to what he is saying and especially what he is responding to!

If you can flesh out the narrative, clearly describing what the sights, scents, tastes, and touches are of your lovemaking, and encourage (by example) your partner to do the same . . . SL sex can be as good as (even if different from) RL sex.

Hot Sex Trends Worth Trying: Fulfill a Phone Fantasy

From the pages of Cosmo Magazine online comes this tidbit of advice that may be well worth applying to your love life in SL. . . .

Hot Sex Trends Worth Trying: Fulfill a Phone Fantasy

These days everyone and their dog has a cell phone. Okay, maybe not everyone. More like 156.6 million Americans over the age of 12, according to the global market-research group GfK NOP. But how is our main mode of communication impacting our sex lives? Turns out, it's making couples more courageous. "Interacting via technology rather than face-to-face provides an anonymity that often makes it easier for partners to express their desires," explains Lisa B. Schwartz, Ph.D., a sex therapist in private practice in Pennsylvania. "More couples seem to be exploring this freedom and sharing fantasies this way."
If the thought of partaking in phone play leaves you kind of speechless, this passion plan will loosen you up. First thing in the morning, lock your guy in for the evening with a firm text message. (Cancel your plans. U R mine 2nite.) At noon, divulge more of your pleasure plot in a second text (My place. 8. Bring a necktie and whipped cream).
When he shows up at 7:25 (the man will be eager, girl), grab the props, make him comfortable on the sofa and quickly retreat to another room. Then dial him up on his cell from behind closed doors and tell him step-by-step exactly what you wish you were doing to him ("I want to tie you to my bedpost and lick whipped cream off every last inch of you"). Keep up the delicious banter until he has no choice but to hang up and barge right in.



Now how to translate that to SL? For one thing, before you even hit the virtual bedroom start in IMs telling him what you want to do to him when you see him. Just as the Cosmo Tip suggested build the anticipation for him.

Let's face it, SL is basically phone sex when you use voice. Use the private call feature in SL voice. Your sim doesn't have voice enabled, you say? NP! Get your partner to load Gtalk, or AIM, Yahoo Messenger or any other voice capable chat program that both of you can run. Then run your voice conversation separate from your SL role play. In fact the connection is often cleaner and clearer through a chat program than in SL voice.

Why add this dimension of sound? Believe me when I say it is an incredible turn on to hear your partner's pleasure. No more typing of an emote (/me moans softly)--just do it! Hearing your partner's voice can help you gauge his responses better, too. Is he quiet, not saying much? Take a different tactic. Move from vaginal to oral sex talk. Is he saying "yes, oh god, yes!" in that I-am-going-to-explode tone of voice as you tell him what you are doing to him? Then you are heading in the right direction. Voice adds a whole new sensation to SL sex. Give it a listen!