Sex With A New Guy

Cosmopolitan magazine, every girl's guide to life, the universe, and everything, has a great article on Sex With A New Guy that gives a lot of useful pointers on sex in the real world:

"Getting intimate with a new person can be clumsy," says Chris Fariello, PhD, director of the Institute for Sex Therapy, in Philadelphia. You aren't completely comfortable with each other yet. Plus, there's so much at stake the first time — if the sex is bad, you could second-guess the budding relationship. These four rules will make it completely enjoyable.

Good advice here, and both men and women can benefit from it. But for those of us who like sex in virtual worlds as well as real, those who seek quality passionate moments in Second Life, the rules are a bit different. Here are my adaptations of those same "four rules" for SL.

Rule 1: Don't Jump the Gun
Foreplay is just as important in SL as in RL. But in the virtual setting the foreplay doesn't just begin in the moment that you jump on those pose balls, it starts from your first conversation. Treat every potential sex partner as you would like to be treated from day one, from that very first flirtatious exchange. If you go slow, the build up of desire and anticipation even before you get to the main act can be what takes you from ho- hum mutual masturbation to a mind-boggling connection.

Once you have (mutually) determined that you will hit the (virtual) sheets together, take a second or two to send little daily IMs (even if he is not on) just letting him know how much you are looking forward to the encounter. Emote things like I am imagining your hands on me right now, I want to whisper my fantasies in your ear, or When I see you log in my breath catches and heart begins to beat faster. The rule here is subtle. You know those explicit emotes the stripper on the pole in the club is throwing out at all the guys--you don't want to go there, yet. Save those for when you are at the main event.

And when the time comes, take the time to verbally undress for your partner and to verbally undress him (/me slips warm fingers into your waistband and unbuckles your belt. /me slips my blouse first off one shoulder then the other.)

Foreplay in SL is the verbal repartee that lets your partner know you find him (or her) desirable and can barely bear to wait, but also that s/he is worth waiting for.

Rule 2: Acknowledge Awkward Moments
In real life this is when the biology fails us. Nervousness makes hard things soft and wet things dry. In SL that is not where the problems arise (no pun intended). In virtual sex there are no biological failures, you are touching you and he is touching himself.  However, communication is the key here and, let's face it, when we get excited we can often barely type, let alone spell, and there is no time for spell check in virtual sex! Then there is the issue of typing one-handed. Planning this scene out in your head beforehand can help. Even having a list of cut and paste emotes may be useful.

Using voice solves a number of those problems, but can raise others. One or both of you may be intimidated by dirty-talk out loud. If voice is no problem go for it, but be willing to do text if your partner expresses any discomfort. And if you finally do get to hear that sexy fellow's voice be prepared that it may not match the avatar! If you are going to get into voice keep it low and slow: you can cultivate a sexy voice even if you weren't born with one.

Through it all remember: you have to be willing to go with the flow! If all your emotes are about tying her to the bed and she wants to be on top, neither of you is going to have fun. This is a two-way conversation or you might as well be watching porn and doing it alone. Take some time to talk her (or him) slowly  into your fantasy (see rule 1!). Let it develop for your partner by giving them time to react and respond. And listen--really listen--for your partner's reactions.

Rule 3: Say Something Nice
Let's face it, half the joy of good sex is when your partner gets off on it, too. It's the ubiquitous question: Was it good for you? We all want to please as much as we want to be pleased. (If you are one of the few to whom that doesn't matter you can quit reading now and go back to masturbating all alone.) For most of us feedback is a good thing, but on a first encounter you should always keep it simple and positive.

In SL, where you can't see facial and body reactions, feedback becomes even more critical. Tell your partner what you liked. Yes, you can also talk about what you each didn't like (later), but how much easier--and more pleasant to focus on the good.  "OMG, baby, when you said _____ I had the most amazing _____" may be a bit over the top. Or not. Know your audience I always say. But a simple basic "I love that you are/said/did" lets your partner know that s/he is more than cartoon porn to you. In a virtual world we have to sometimes take an extra step or two to be "real" to each other. And we need to remember that orher cartoon in the bed is a real person with real feelings as well.

Rule 4: Hold Back from Getting Crazy Acrobatic
Now here is where SL really breaks away from reality.  In SL you can be as bizarrely creative (and I have seen some bizarre pose balls) as the animations allow.  But for your first time together, keeping it simple is a good idea. (Remember paragraph three in rule 2 above!) Take time to learn each others likes and dislikes, take time to talk about your desires, fantasies,and take time to learn your partner's tastes before you buy that vampire sex swing with the cream pie attachments.

Since genitals and sexual equipment is also virtual (as well as detachable, resizable, and available in a variety of species) there are some creative things you can do in your SL sex play. But again, for that first encounter, you may want to leave the 6' penis and the giant butterfly shaped clit in your inventory and just go with normal genitalia. Go slow. Once you get to know each other better there will be time for all the crazy sex games you can dream of. After all this is the place to do those things that are NPIRL (Not Possible in Real Life)!
                           
That's it. Hope this advice has been useful. And I also hope you are having all the SL sex fun you can grab with both hands. Where else but in Second Life can you meet beautiful people, with whom you can connect on an intimate level of the mind, as well as having some good old fashioned sex-play with no RL biological consequences? So play nice, kids and share the toys!

Love Sometimes Sucks

When I was a kid I hated amusement park rides. That awful sinking, kicked-in-the-gut feeling that you get as the rollercoaster heads down from the peaks, the slammed against the wall feeling the as the tilt-a-whirl throws you from side to side unexpectedly, and let's not forget the carousel. I actually liked carousels until I realized that you are always trapped going in circles and, even if the ups and downs aren't painful, you still can't get off the damn thing and it goes absolutely nowhere.

Now that I am all grown up not only do I still dislike amusement parks, but I find love is an amusement park, too.

Only now the kicked in the gut feeling is more like kicked in the heart. A hard burning knife-like pain. The heart is a pretty strong muscle, but it seems to have a very short memory sometimes. And any euphoria you felt a few minutes before can come all crashing down with a few nasty words. So not only do you feel pain, you also feel the urge to inflict pain back. And not only do you spiral down and get slammed against the walls that you each have put up, but you both lash out. You make it worse.

Here's the thing, if you want to make it work, make it last, and make it able to weather the ups and downs of the human emotional rollercoaster, you need to remember three rules:

1. Don't assume the worst. Talk. Get answers, and correct info. Then talk some more. And listen, listen carefully. Then talk again, and be honest. Communication will go a long way toward solving the problems that cause pain--especially if you meet your partner half way and can compromise where you conflict. Conflict will always happen--that's human--it is how we deal with it that conflict that keeps love alive.
2. Never get so caught up in your pain that you forget your partner is probably hurting as well. Sometimes when we get hurt we lash out at each other and the resulting damage escalates badly back and forth. If one of the two of you has the courage to say "I will not seek revenge," there is hope. If you each can say that, well then, there is real love there. And you will survive the down turns.
3. Say you are sorry. To paraphrase a famous quote: Love means always having to say you are sorry. And accepting that apology as well. Someone once told me that "sorry is a coin that wears thin over time." That is true. But it is also the best coin--maybe the only--coin you can spend when you are in the throes of pain and anger. None of us are perfect. We tend to make the same mistakes over and over. If you love, really love someone, you will give them the chance to say they are sorry and mean it. You will say you are sorry and mean it, too.

If you are luck enough to have found real love, true love, then you need to work on keeping it. Don't settle for anything less.

Fortune Cookie for a Monday

Got a Fortune Cookie today that read: "THE GREATEST PLEASURE IN LIFE IS DOING WHAT PEOPLE SAY YOU CANNOT DO" I immediately taped it to my computer.

It is true. For example, here are several "you cannots" that I know to be false.

1. You can't love more than one man (or woman). Why? Most of us have enough love for multiple children, at least 2 parents, assorted siblings, many many friends. Why, if no other love is limited, do we assume that romantic (or erotic) love must be limited to one significant other? What is limited is not our love, but our time. And in love we want all the time and attention of our partners. We behave in love like toddlers who say: "Mine, all mine!" Maybe we don't need to limit our love . . . maybe we just need to share our toys better.

2. You can't make love work long distance. That may have been true a century ago when the fastest communication was the mail train and it took months. But today we have the Internet, IMs, cellphones that reach around the globe, text messaging, email, . . . and Second Life. Nine tenths of sex takes place in the mind, the imagination. If you can communicate you can have a romance. And it can be very good. Trust me on this one, I know.

3. He can't (or wouldn't want to) look at other women if he really loves me. Bullshit. Even if you only ever eat at home who says you can't read the menu of the fine restaurant you pass on the street? If your man is looking at other women all that says is that he has a healthy appetite. Ask him what he likes. maybe play out some of those fantasies that are turning his head. Talk about it and it will enrich your own sex life, clamp down on it and all you have is a man who feels guilty for a normal sexuality and who can't talk to the one person (you) he should be able to trust. I fear the day my man stops looking at other women--that is the day he is no longer interested in sex and that means he isn't looking at me either.

What Would Coyote Do

For those of you who don't know about Coyote, He is the native American version of Loki--a trickster deity enjoys life to the fullest. (You want to know more about Coyote? Read the novels of Charles De Lint, seriously.) In the meantime, however, you should also check out Cadhla's take on him in http://www.livejournal.com/users/cadhla.

What follows is Cadhla's version of Coyote's 10 commandments. All I gotta say is: Well done!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why Coyote Doesn't Give Commandments. by Cadhla

A friend of mine was talking the other day about God talking to Moses on the mountain, and handing down the commandments, and everything. Which led to the point that my patron deity doesn't really do commandments. "Well, why not?" was asked. "Um. Can you see Coyote giving commandments?" I replied...but of course, the damage was done, and I had to think about this now. Because that would be the way that my brain works, whether I want it to or not. Stupid brain. And now, after several days of thinking about it, I give you...

The Commandments of Coyote.

I. Thou Shalt Have As Many Gods and Spirits and Personal Trainers and Gurus As You Like Before Me, But You Shalt Not Let Them Block the Exits, and More, You Shall Not Permit Them To Take the Last Beer, For That Beer Is Mine. Seriously. Don't.

II. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Wife, But Thou Art Totally Welcome To Admire Her Ass When She Walks By, and If It Happens To Come Out That They Are In An Open Relationship, Dude, Tap That Ass As Much As They Are Willing To Allow. Same Goes For the Ladies. Coveting Is Sort Of Stupid, But Sex Is Just Plain Fun, Unless Thou Art Doing It Entirely Wrong.

III. If Thy Neighbor Says 'Hands Off My Wife, Dude', Thou Shalt Listen and Back Off, Because Otherwise, Thy Neighbor Will Be Totally Justified In Hitting You About the Head and Shoulders With Gardening Tools, and Don't Think That I'm Going To Step In There and Stop Him.

IV. Adultery Is Actually Pretty Fun. Commit It All You Like. Just Make Sure Everyone Is Cool With It, Or I Will Not Help You Out Once the Hitting Gets Started.

V. Thou Shalt Not Eat Poisoned Bait. If You Do, Don't Come Whining To Me About It, Because I Am Very Unlikely To Care. Once It Is In Your Mouth, It Is Your Problem, Not Mine.

VI. Of Course Thou Shalt Kill. Carnivores Do That. Also, Swatting Mosquitoes, Sort Of Instinctive. But All Creatures Are Alive Before You Kill Them, and So Thou Shalt Respect Them In Their Lives and In Their Deaths. Thou Shalt Not Kill Without Reason. Thy Neighbor Tapping Thy Wife's Ass? Is Not A Reason. Don't Make Me Set A Plague Upon Thy Ass. Thou Wouldst Not Enjoy It, I Promise.

VII. Thou Shalt Not Hoard. Seriously, Here. If You Have Enough, Share. Only Asshats Bogart Life.

VIII. Thou Shalt Not Be A Martyr. If You Have One Beer, Drink It. Do Not Give It To Me and Then Expect Adoration. Dude, That Was Your Beer, I Did Not Break Your Arm To Get It. Give What You Can Give, and Expect Neither Praise Nor Worship. You Are Not Being Morally Superior, You Are Being A Decent Human Being. There Is A Difference.

VIV. Assume This Is It. Maybe There Is Reincarnation; Maybe Not. Not Only Am I Not Saying, Please Consider the Fact That I Probably Get A Say In Whether You Come Back, and If You Are the Sort Of Person Who Doesn't Do Anything With One Life, Why Should I Waste My Time Giving You Another One? Live Like You Get No Second Chances. You Will Have More Fun.

X. Are You Going To Eat That?
=====================================================
@ Seanan (cadhla) 2005-08-30 cadhla's LiveJournal:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/cadhla/827233.html
(A Free-Linking Zone, by her own words)
=====================================================

Rules for Flirting

So I was at the Lotus Moon dancing (and flirting) with a very sexy man and we somehow began discussing the rules for flirting. What, you say? Rules? Yes, I tell you. RULES!

Flirting is a fine and noble art. It dates back to the first caveman who took the hand of his cavegirl rather than just thumping her on the head and dragging her off by the hair. The Courtesans of Ancient Greece and Rome knew the game, as did the concubines of China and the Geisha of Japan. (I won't go into the list of famous flirts of history from whom you could learn much, as that is for a future post, but if you want a few names to conjure with, consider Lalage, Yang Guifei, and Inara Serra.) I'm here to tell you we need more lessons in the art of flirting. Ladies, pay attention if you want to get attention. Gentlemen pay heed or risk being rude and crude, and getting slapped.

And in the spirit of sharing the info, I give you my rules for flirting . Here are the first three, stay tuned for future installments. . . .

RULE #1: Never flirt with someone with whom you couldn't be serious. Light flirting is one thing, but it is not fair to tease a man into thinking you'd go to bed with him if you never would. Too many people break this rule, unreasonable expectations are raised, and then people get hurt.

RULE #2: Lay the ground rules up front. If you don't want him then be clear. . . say something to the effect of how: "flirting is so much fun with you because I know you know better than to take me seriously." If you do want him (or her) also make it clear. Say something like: "flattery will get you everywhere, honey." Don't, however, go too quickly too fast. This is a dance, a game. Savor the moment.

RULE #3: Don't Lie. Ever. You can exaggerate. Compliment, of course. But if you tell a whooper, he'll know. And he'll never trust anything you say after that. Flirting is like fencing--feint, step back, thrust. But your point must be true or you'll never get the kill.

Continued: Rule #4