Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Sex With A New Guy

Cosmopolitan magazine, every girl's guide to life, the universe, and everything, has a great article on Sex With A New Guy that gives a lot of useful pointers on sex in the real world:

"Getting intimate with a new person can be clumsy," says Chris Fariello, PhD, director of the Institute for Sex Therapy, in Philadelphia. You aren't completely comfortable with each other yet. Plus, there's so much at stake the first time — if the sex is bad, you could second-guess the budding relationship. These four rules will make it completely enjoyable.

Good advice here, and both men and women can benefit from it. But for those of us who like sex in virtual worlds as well as real, those who seek quality passionate moments in Second Life, the rules are a bit different. Here are my adaptations of those same "four rules" for SL.

Rule 1: Don't Jump the Gun
Foreplay is just as important in SL as in RL. But in the virtual setting the foreplay doesn't just begin in the moment that you jump on those pose balls, it starts from your first conversation. Treat every potential sex partner as you would like to be treated from day one, from that very first flirtatious exchange. If you go slow, the build up of desire and anticipation even before you get to the main act can be what takes you from ho- hum mutual masturbation to a mind-boggling connection.

Once you have (mutually) determined that you will hit the (virtual) sheets together, take a second or two to send little daily IMs (even if he is not on) just letting him know how much you are looking forward to the encounter. Emote things like I am imagining your hands on me right now, I want to whisper my fantasies in your ear, or When I see you log in my breath catches and heart begins to beat faster. The rule here is subtle. You know those explicit emotes the stripper on the pole in the club is throwing out at all the guys--you don't want to go there, yet. Save those for when you are at the main event.

And when the time comes, take the time to verbally undress for your partner and to verbally undress him (/me slips warm fingers into your waistband and unbuckles your belt. /me slips my blouse first off one shoulder then the other.)

Foreplay in SL is the verbal repartee that lets your partner know you find him (or her) desirable and can barely bear to wait, but also that s/he is worth waiting for.

Rule 2: Acknowledge Awkward Moments
In real life this is when the biology fails us. Nervousness makes hard things soft and wet things dry. In SL that is not where the problems arise (no pun intended). In virtual sex there are no biological failures, you are touching you and he is touching himself.  However, communication is the key here and, let's face it, when we get excited we can often barely type, let alone spell, and there is no time for spell check in virtual sex! Then there is the issue of typing one-handed. Planning this scene out in your head beforehand can help. Even having a list of cut and paste emotes may be useful.

Using voice solves a number of those problems, but can raise others. One or both of you may be intimidated by dirty-talk out loud. If voice is no problem go for it, but be willing to do text if your partner expresses any discomfort. And if you finally do get to hear that sexy fellow's voice be prepared that it may not match the avatar! If you are going to get into voice keep it low and slow: you can cultivate a sexy voice even if you weren't born with one.

Through it all remember: you have to be willing to go with the flow! If all your emotes are about tying her to the bed and she wants to be on top, neither of you is going to have fun. This is a two-way conversation or you might as well be watching porn and doing it alone. Take some time to talk her (or him) slowly  into your fantasy (see rule 1!). Let it develop for your partner by giving them time to react and respond. And listen--really listen--for your partner's reactions.

Rule 3: Say Something Nice
Let's face it, half the joy of good sex is when your partner gets off on it, too. It's the ubiquitous question: Was it good for you? We all want to please as much as we want to be pleased. (If you are one of the few to whom that doesn't matter you can quit reading now and go back to masturbating all alone.) For most of us feedback is a good thing, but on a first encounter you should always keep it simple and positive.

In SL, where you can't see facial and body reactions, feedback becomes even more critical. Tell your partner what you liked. Yes, you can also talk about what you each didn't like (later), but how much easier--and more pleasant to focus on the good.  "OMG, baby, when you said _____ I had the most amazing _____" may be a bit over the top. Or not. Know your audience I always say. But a simple basic "I love that you are/said/did" lets your partner know that s/he is more than cartoon porn to you. In a virtual world we have to sometimes take an extra step or two to be "real" to each other. And we need to remember that orher cartoon in the bed is a real person with real feelings as well.

Rule 4: Hold Back from Getting Crazy Acrobatic
Now here is where SL really breaks away from reality.  In SL you can be as bizarrely creative (and I have seen some bizarre pose balls) as the animations allow.  But for your first time together, keeping it simple is a good idea. (Remember paragraph three in rule 2 above!) Take time to learn each others likes and dislikes, take time to talk about your desires, fantasies,and take time to learn your partner's tastes before you buy that vampire sex swing with the cream pie attachments.

Since genitals and sexual equipment is also virtual (as well as detachable, resizable, and available in a variety of species) there are some creative things you can do in your SL sex play. But again, for that first encounter, you may want to leave the 6' penis and the giant butterfly shaped clit in your inventory and just go with normal genitalia. Go slow. Once you get to know each other better there will be time for all the crazy sex games you can dream of. After all this is the place to do those things that are NPIRL (Not Possible in Real Life)!
That's it. Hope this advice has been useful. And I also hope you are having all the SL sex fun you can grab with both hands. Where else but in Second Life can you meet beautiful people, with whom you can connect on an intimate level of the mind, as well as having some good old fashioned sex-play with no RL biological consequences? So play nice, kids and share the toys!

1 comment:

  1. I'm re-reading the previous comment, but I like the article ;-)