SL is a strange place. You can get immediately and intimately connected with people you barely know. Now I am not saying this is necessarily a bad thing, and lord knows I am not likely to give up doing so myself, but I read a post a while ago on Salon.com that reminded me of what the unintended consequences could be for SL relationships.
Salon.com has an advice column (generally witty, always interesting) written by Cary Tennis. This offering is "Lately I've been kissing women I'm not married to," a lament from a married man who finds himself wanting to act out his fantasies of making out with strangers... here's a small piece:
My situation is this: I think of myself as happily married. My wife and I have a good relationship. Our sex life is just fine. Why have I done this? My recurring fantasy is going out with a woman from work and we end up at her place after drinks, fooling around. Pretty vanilla, I know. But that's me! The situation this week followed my fantasy to a T, which I clearly found exciting. But my fantasy always goes further than what actually happened this week. I/we stopped it in its tracks because I/we knew it was wrong. But why wasn't I smart enough to stop it earlier, when we were having drinks and were both giving clear signals to each other? I would understand if I was unhappy in my marriage. That is why I find my behavior so stupid. What is my problem?
Serial Kisser
Dear Serial Kisser,
What is your problem? Your problem is that if you continue to kiss women you are not married to, soon you will no longer be married. That is the usual outcome with the kissing of attractive women you are not married to. You are evidently aware of this in some dim way. That would be why this hobby of yours is not bringing you unalloyed pleasure but instead a pleasure tinged with a dollop of piquant dread. . . . I mean, it's understandable what's been happening. Get a few drinks in you and you want to kiss people. It's natural. Nothing wrong with that per se, except you're married. You know the rules. You knew the rules when you signed up. Nobody forced you to sign up. You signed up on your own. There are a lot of people you don't get to kiss now. It's tough, I know. But those are the rules.
If Cary is correct, well, there are a lot of us breaking those rules by our actions in our SL lives. So the ultimate question becomes: is having a relationship in SL a threat to an RL relationship? I personally know of at least 2 RL couples playing in SL who have come close to the brink of separation/divorce and may yet tip over it. These are RL married couples who play separately in SL and have SL relationships with SL partners other than their RL ones. And in both cases each partner has one or more SL sweetie, someone other than their RL one. It should also be said that in each case the RL relationship was in someways dysfunctional before anyone got involved with anyone else in SL.
There are also cases of people getting involved with SL partners to the exclusion and alienation of their RL spouses. An August 10, 2007 article in the Wall Street Journal, "Is this Man Cheating on his Wife?", tells the story of one guy who has in effect traded his RL for his SL, spending full days on the computer in SL with his other wife, an SL partner. Andrew Vogel's response, in his blog Spunlogic, tells us:
According to family law experts and marital counselors, though, the Hoogestraats’ deteriorating marriage is not an isolated case. The article cites that an increasing number of marriages are crumbling because of “virtual infidelity.” This begs the question, if virtual marriages are causing real life marriage trouble, are the virtual marriages all that virtual?
And there is the crux of the issue. Secondlife isn't just a game anymore. There are real people and real feelings on the other side of that avatar. Just like you can pick up a one-night stand in a bar, you can pick one up in SL. And just like that one-time good time in RL can lead to something serious so can an SL relationship become serious.
So what is the answer? Telling everyone--telling ourselves--"Hey! Don't do that!" Oh yeah, that'll work. Look. Let's face it. There is a huge divorce rate in this country. And why? Because Americans throw something out and get a new one when it doesn't work anymore. Here's a notion. Maybe the SL relationship can save the RL one that isn't working? Don't get enough sex at home? Have an affair or hire an escort in SL. No diseases, no mess, not expensive, not illegal. But don't expect a full time SL relationship AND a full time RL one. I'm not saying you can't have both--just that you have to be able to balance what you want with what you can realistically have. And be really sure, if you find you have to choose between the two, you are making the right choice--in full understanding of the effects of your choices on you, on the people in your real life, and on your SL lovers.
Showing posts with label cheating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cheating. Show all posts
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Quote of the Day: Bertrand Russell on Caution
“Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.” ~~Bertrand Russell (English Logician and Philosopher 1872-1970)
Bertrand Russell was not only a man of great intellect, but also a man of great passions and Utopian vision. At seventeen he married his sweetheart Alys Pearsall Smith, despite the objections of his family, but their love did not last. He had passionate and often simultaneous affairs with a number of women, including Lady Ottoline Morrell and the actress Lady Constance Malleson. His most serious lover was Dora Black who traveled with him to Russia and China. When Dora became pregnant Russell divorced Alys and married her. Black was an advocate for women's rights and may have influenced Russell's positions on equity and social justice. She--as did so many of her generation--had realised the extent to which the laws regulating marriage contributed to women's subjugation.
In her view, only parents should be bound by a social contract, and only insofar as their cooperation was required for raising their children. Implicit was her conviction that both men and women were polygamous by nature and should therefore be free, whether married or not, to engage in sexual relationships that were based on mutual love. In this she was as much an early sexual pioneer as in her fight for women's right to information about, and free access to, birth control methods. She regarded these as essential for women to gain control over their own lives, and eventually become fully emancipated.
Black and Russell founded a school in 1927 called Beacon Hill School in which they tried to teach children to leave behind superstitions and irrational views of previous generations. Russell eventually left Black for one of his students after she had two children by one of her lover, Griffin Barry. She went on to write extensively on the right of the individual to be happy.
Russell throughout his life campaigned for human rights, social justice, peace, and nuclear disarmament. His lasting legacy as an advocate for peace is carried on by the Bertrand Russell Peace Foundation.
(information on Russell and Black excerpted from Wikipedia)
Bertrand Russell was not only a man of great intellect, but also a man of great passions and Utopian vision. At seventeen he married his sweetheart Alys Pearsall Smith, despite the objections of his family, but their love did not last. He had passionate and often simultaneous affairs with a number of women, including Lady Ottoline Morrell and the actress Lady Constance Malleson. His most serious lover was Dora Black who traveled with him to Russia and China. When Dora became pregnant Russell divorced Alys and married her. Black was an advocate for women's rights and may have influenced Russell's positions on equity and social justice. She--as did so many of her generation--had realised the extent to which the laws regulating marriage contributed to women's subjugation.
In her view, only parents should be bound by a social contract, and only insofar as their cooperation was required for raising their children. Implicit was her conviction that both men and women were polygamous by nature and should therefore be free, whether married or not, to engage in sexual relationships that were based on mutual love. In this she was as much an early sexual pioneer as in her fight for women's right to information about, and free access to, birth control methods. She regarded these as essential for women to gain control over their own lives, and eventually become fully emancipated.
Black and Russell founded a school in 1927 called Beacon Hill School in which they tried to teach children to leave behind superstitions and irrational views of previous generations. Russell eventually left Black for one of his students after she had two children by one of her lover, Griffin Barry. She went on to write extensively on the right of the individual to be happy.
Russell throughout his life campaigned for human rights, social justice, peace, and nuclear disarmament. His lasting legacy as an advocate for peace is carried on by the Bertrand Russell Peace Foundation.
(information on Russell and Black excerpted from Wikipedia)
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Yet again, SL Divorce hits the News
My friend Corwyn sent me this piece from the London Times: Second Life affair leads to real-life divorce for David Pollard, aka Dave Barmy. Now we've all heard the stories of SL romances breaking up RL marriages, Dutch and Tenaj, Rene and Dina, but bear with me here, folks, this one has a new twist. It began in Second Life in the first place!
"David Pollard and Amy Taylor met in an online chat room in 2003 and married after discovering a shared love of the internet game Second Life. . . . The couple met in an internet chat room in May 2003 and within six months Ms. Taylor had moved from London to Mr. Pollard's flat in Newquay, Cornwall. They married at a register office in St Austell in July 2005 and held a virtual wedding for their avatars in Second Life. "
That alone would make you think that the idea of a virtual love affair should not come as a surprise to the wife here, but no.
"Ms. Taylor, 28, filed for divorce on the ground of unreasonable behaviour after her husband admitted falling in love with the virtual female character. She discovered the affair after a rare break from her computer. When she returned from a nap she caught a glimpse of her husband's avatar in a compromising position on a sofa with a female avatar."
So she goes to take a nap and hubby, who fell in love with her on-line, falls for another woman on-line. But wait, there's more. Is this the first time hubby has messed about on wifey in SL?
"Ms Taylor's suspicions were aroused in 2007 and she hired a Second Life private investigator. The virtual sleuth, called Markie MacDonald, caught Dave Barmy in flagrante and he apologised to his online and real world wives."
So as far back as 2007 he had different SL and RL wives? Do we see a pattern beginning to emerge? And what do the unhappy couple have to say about it?
"She said: 'I was so hurt. I just couldn't believe what he'd done. It's cheating as far as I'm concerned, but he didn't see it as a problem and couldn't see why I was so upset. He said I was just making a big fuss and tried to make out it was my fault for not giving him enough attention.' . . . Mr. Pollard, 40, said yesterday that his former wife was more interested in her life online than she was in him. 'If I wanted to spend time with her I had to ask.'"
You know what is really sad about this? Not that they are divorcing. But that they are sad people who both blew it. Yes, BOTH. There were expectations on each side of that relationship that were not being met. One wonders if they ever even communicated their expectations to each other.
Wake up all you lovers, RL and SL, out there. Love is NOT easy. Like anything that is worthwhile, it takes hard work. If you expect your partner (RL or SL) to spend time with you you need to get off you real (or virtual) ass and spend time with them! Make time. Go on dates, dammit. Spend a romantic evening AT LEAST once a week doing something nice for the other person. Don't just wait for them to do stuff for you! Do stuff together.
Find things you have in common. Is he a craftsman in RL or builder in SL? Girl, get him to teach you or at least be there helping him, admiring and critiquing his work! She writes? Dude, read her blog/poetry/stories and offer your advice and support! Look for ways you compliment each other and for pity sake COMPLIMENT each other! If nothing else, SL offers worlds upon worlds to explore together, and guess what . . . SO DOES RL!
You know, the sex may have been what attracted you to each other, but the connections you forge are what keeps your partner coming back for more. If there isn't more there, boys and girls, someone is gonna go looking elsewhere.
"David Pollard and Amy Taylor met in an online chat room in 2003 and married after discovering a shared love of the internet game Second Life. . . . The couple met in an internet chat room in May 2003 and within six months Ms. Taylor had moved from London to Mr. Pollard's flat in Newquay, Cornwall. They married at a register office in St Austell in July 2005 and held a virtual wedding for their avatars in Second Life. "
That alone would make you think that the idea of a virtual love affair should not come as a surprise to the wife here, but no.
"Ms. Taylor, 28, filed for divorce on the ground of unreasonable behaviour after her husband admitted falling in love with the virtual female character. She discovered the affair after a rare break from her computer. When she returned from a nap she caught a glimpse of her husband's avatar in a compromising position on a sofa with a female avatar."
So she goes to take a nap and hubby, who fell in love with her on-line, falls for another woman on-line. But wait, there's more. Is this the first time hubby has messed about on wifey in SL?
"Ms Taylor's suspicions were aroused in 2007 and she hired a Second Life private investigator. The virtual sleuth, called Markie MacDonald, caught Dave Barmy in flagrante and he apologised to his online and real world wives."
So as far back as 2007 he had different SL and RL wives? Do we see a pattern beginning to emerge? And what do the unhappy couple have to say about it?
"She said: 'I was so hurt. I just couldn't believe what he'd done. It's cheating as far as I'm concerned, but he didn't see it as a problem and couldn't see why I was so upset. He said I was just making a big fuss and tried to make out it was my fault for not giving him enough attention.' . . . Mr. Pollard, 40, said yesterday that his former wife was more interested in her life online than she was in him. 'If I wanted to spend time with her I had to ask.'"
You know what is really sad about this? Not that they are divorcing. But that they are sad people who both blew it. Yes, BOTH. There were expectations on each side of that relationship that were not being met. One wonders if they ever even communicated their expectations to each other.
Wake up all you lovers, RL and SL, out there. Love is NOT easy. Like anything that is worthwhile, it takes hard work. If you expect your partner (RL or SL) to spend time with you you need to get off you real (or virtual) ass and spend time with them! Make time. Go on dates, dammit. Spend a romantic evening AT LEAST once a week doing something nice for the other person. Don't just wait for them to do stuff for you! Do stuff together.
Find things you have in common. Is he a craftsman in RL or builder in SL? Girl, get him to teach you or at least be there helping him, admiring and critiquing his work! She writes? Dude, read her blog/poetry/stories and offer your advice and support! Look for ways you compliment each other and for pity sake COMPLIMENT each other! If nothing else, SL offers worlds upon worlds to explore together, and guess what . . . SO DOES RL!
You know, the sex may have been what attracted you to each other, but the connections you forge are what keeps your partner coming back for more. If there isn't more there, boys and girls, someone is gonna go looking elsewhere.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Song du Jour: TaeYang's "Look At Only Me"
UH...
IT'S BEEN ON MY MIND FOR A WHILE
GOT TO LET THIS OFF MY CHEST
BEFORE...IT'S TOO LATE
I CAN'T LET YOU GO
YOU GOT TO LET HIM GO
I CAN'T LET YOU GO
YOU GOT TO...LISTEN
I’ve been telling you everyday
I smile when I see you.
I’ve told you so many times
You’re the love of my life.
In this world full of lies, in my nervous heart
the one thing I believe in is you.
When you get nervous thinking that my feelings may change
Remember I laughed when I told you that would never happen.
A direction with no end,
my completely empty heart
The only place I can lean on is you.
And I hate that my heart sometimes wavers
Even today I get carried away by the world
and you get erased
Even if I cheat
Don’t you ever cheat, Baby
Even if I forget you
Don’t you ever forget me, Lady
If once in a while I don’t contact you
and I go out to drink
Even if I ever meet another girl’s gaze
Look only at me.
When you tell me with tears in your eyes
that you spent all night waiting up for me
you say “I think you changed.”
So many nights you ask me to tell you
that my feeling are the same as when I first met you.
Although it seems that I am miserable without you
Honestly sometimes you suffocate me
The never ending arguments
The long sighs.
Although the only place for you to lean is on me
I hate that sometimes I get sick of you
Even today I smile
and lose myself without my knowledge
Even if I cheat....
I know well that I’m self-centered
And I spend my days in meaningless activities
Becoming filthier, baby.
I want to leave your purity as it is,
this is my sincerity, my belief in you
Don’t leave me even in death
Even if I cheat...
Look only at me.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Wonderland: Virtual Adultery and Cyberspace Love (Part 1)
So tell me, gang, how many of you think cybersex is cheating?
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Is Your Guy Cheating On You With His E-Wife?
Someone I know with an SL girlfriend and an RL wife once told me his teenage daughter called Second Life, that "Second Wife" game her dad plays. Here's the thing, many people head into Second Life never intending to fall into a romantic relationship with someone on the other end of a keyboard. Is it bad / wrong / cheating to act on real emotions virtually? Is it wrong to have real emotional attachments if you have RL commitments? Why can't we love more than one person?
Today someone else sent me another article discussing the Virtual relationships vs Physical relationships controversy. This one comes from a website called "DontDateHimGirl.com" (seriously!).
It asks: Is Your Guy Cheating On You With His E-Wife? And here is what they had to say:
What's an e-wife, you ask? She's a woman your guy meets online, has a full-blown cyber-relationship with, but never meets her in person.
A DDHG member asked us to help her get her man to dump her [the e-wife] and get back to his relationship in the real-world. Here's what the Average Guy had to say!
Q. Dear DDHG,
I have a major problem. I have been with my husband for six years. I just found out that he has a woman that he's "married" to in cyberspace. It's the craziest thing.
She's already married but calls herself his e-wife and manages his schedule. They have a cyber bank account together and he has dinner with her on the computer every night where they chat back and forth about their day, etc. I was floored! I have never seen anything like this. I am hurt and confused.
When I confronted him about it, he just said it was harmless and that I didn't need to worry. He said he's not cheating on me because he's not having sex with her and he's never met her in person.
Because he doesn't see it as a big deal, he's not doing anything to end the relationship with his e-wife. Please help! I really need some advice and I always turn to DDHG when I've got relationship problems. Thank you!!!
A. Wow! This is one heck of a story, but it's not uncommon. The e-wife phenomenon is gaining steam all over the world. Whether they are married or in relationships, men forge new entanglements with women in cyberspace. They rationalize it by telling themselves that since they're not physically touching the person or talking to them on the phone it's fine. Of course, their real-life partners never see it that way!
What you need to do is tell your guy in no uncertain terms that he can only have one woman in your life. While he's instant messaging his way through dinner with his e-wife, he could be having a romantic dinner with you. Tell him how uncomfortable it makes you feel to know that he is sharing the intimate details of his life with another woman.
Ask him how he would feel if you were doing the same thing. Most likely, he will get how much this hurts you and divorce his e-wife. If not, the choice is yours whether or not to leave the relationship. You deserve a guy who's not going to play around on you in real-life or in cyberspace.
-- The Average Guy
I have two things to point out to RL wife here: (1) face the fact that your man is seriously attracted to something this other woman gives him, probably something that is lacking in your RL relationship; and (2) he is still with you and is not planning on leaving you is he? His being able to get it (whatever it is he gets from the e-wife--support, attention, sex, plain old conversation) in cyber-space gives him a reason to stay with you.
Here's the thing. People leave their real spouses everyday for other people they meet, fall in love with, and want a closer connection to. Yes, your guy is having his cake and eating it as well, but hey, he's still sleeping in your bed isn't he? If this "e-wife" were not there, would he be out looking for another woman in real life? What is he getting from her that he is not getting from you? Any RL girlfriend would have tried to talk him into leaving you by now. Maybe this in not a bad thing, but a safe solution.
It takes two to make a relationship work, RL or SL. Don't whine and make demands on him. You really want to draw him away from his cyber girlfriend? Then put on a sexy nighty and seduce his ass. Chances are really good the reason he is getting it in cyber-space is because you aren't giving it out at home. And the fact that your man is only doing it in cyber-space rather than picking up chicks in the bar down the street is proof that he cares for you and doesn't want to leave you. So cut him some slack.
I talk to guys in SL all the time who are not getting laid at home. Wife is too tired, kids are underfoot, a dozen reasons why there is no time for sex, or conversation, or the things that make a relationship special. But those are just the things that are necessary for the love to stay alive, for the passion to keep burning.
So he goes into cyber-space and gets his jollies. So what? He is still with you. If the other woman is also in an RL relationship chances are damn good she is not going to hop a plane or train and beat feet to come take your man away. And maybe the candy on the side can teach him a few tricks for pleasing you better, too. In any case he is happier and he is home. You push him and you may find yourself left in the dust while he heads out to find the woman who is not forcing him to make a choice. Remember Dutch! His RL wife had a hissy and pushed it, and he left her and married the cyber GF.
Now maybe it is me, or maybe it is because I just don't "get" monogamy. I have a SL cyber-lover and an RL man, too, but I just don't see why you can't love more than one person. It takes some juggling and balancing, sure, but in the end loving, being loved by more than one person . . . well let me just say that I am a very happy woman right now and don't plan on changing anything.
Today someone else sent me another article discussing the Virtual relationships vs Physical relationships controversy. This one comes from a website called "DontDateHimGirl.com" (seriously!).
It asks: Is Your Guy Cheating On You With His E-Wife? And here is what they had to say:
What's an e-wife, you ask? She's a woman your guy meets online, has a full-blown cyber-relationship with, but never meets her in person.
A DDHG member asked us to help her get her man to dump her [the e-wife] and get back to his relationship in the real-world. Here's what the Average Guy had to say!
Q. Dear DDHG,
I have a major problem. I have been with my husband for six years. I just found out that he has a woman that he's "married" to in cyberspace. It's the craziest thing.
She's already married but calls herself his e-wife and manages his schedule. They have a cyber bank account together and he has dinner with her on the computer every night where they chat back and forth about their day, etc. I was floored! I have never seen anything like this. I am hurt and confused.
When I confronted him about it, he just said it was harmless and that I didn't need to worry. He said he's not cheating on me because he's not having sex with her and he's never met her in person.
Because he doesn't see it as a big deal, he's not doing anything to end the relationship with his e-wife. Please help! I really need some advice and I always turn to DDHG when I've got relationship problems. Thank you!!!
A. Wow! This is one heck of a story, but it's not uncommon. The e-wife phenomenon is gaining steam all over the world. Whether they are married or in relationships, men forge new entanglements with women in cyberspace. They rationalize it by telling themselves that since they're not physically touching the person or talking to them on the phone it's fine. Of course, their real-life partners never see it that way!
What you need to do is tell your guy in no uncertain terms that he can only have one woman in your life. While he's instant messaging his way through dinner with his e-wife, he could be having a romantic dinner with you. Tell him how uncomfortable it makes you feel to know that he is sharing the intimate details of his life with another woman.
Ask him how he would feel if you were doing the same thing. Most likely, he will get how much this hurts you and divorce his e-wife. If not, the choice is yours whether or not to leave the relationship. You deserve a guy who's not going to play around on you in real-life or in cyberspace.
-- The Average Guy
I have two things to point out to RL wife here: (1) face the fact that your man is seriously attracted to something this other woman gives him, probably something that is lacking in your RL relationship; and (2) he is still with you and is not planning on leaving you is he? His being able to get it (whatever it is he gets from the e-wife--support, attention, sex, plain old conversation) in cyber-space gives him a reason to stay with you.
Here's the thing. People leave their real spouses everyday for other people they meet, fall in love with, and want a closer connection to. Yes, your guy is having his cake and eating it as well, but hey, he's still sleeping in your bed isn't he? If this "e-wife" were not there, would he be out looking for another woman in real life? What is he getting from her that he is not getting from you? Any RL girlfriend would have tried to talk him into leaving you by now. Maybe this in not a bad thing, but a safe solution.
It takes two to make a relationship work, RL or SL. Don't whine and make demands on him. You really want to draw him away from his cyber girlfriend? Then put on a sexy nighty and seduce his ass. Chances are really good the reason he is getting it in cyber-space is because you aren't giving it out at home. And the fact that your man is only doing it in cyber-space rather than picking up chicks in the bar down the street is proof that he cares for you and doesn't want to leave you. So cut him some slack.
I talk to guys in SL all the time who are not getting laid at home. Wife is too tired, kids are underfoot, a dozen reasons why there is no time for sex, or conversation, or the things that make a relationship special. But those are just the things that are necessary for the love to stay alive, for the passion to keep burning.
So he goes into cyber-space and gets his jollies. So what? He is still with you. If the other woman is also in an RL relationship chances are damn good she is not going to hop a plane or train and beat feet to come take your man away. And maybe the candy on the side can teach him a few tricks for pleasing you better, too. In any case he is happier and he is home. You push him and you may find yourself left in the dust while he heads out to find the woman who is not forcing him to make a choice. Remember Dutch! His RL wife had a hissy and pushed it, and he left her and married the cyber GF.
Now maybe it is me, or maybe it is because I just don't "get" monogamy. I have a SL cyber-lover and an RL man, too, but I just don't see why you can't love more than one person. It takes some juggling and balancing, sure, but in the end loving, being loved by more than one person . . . well let me just say that I am a very happy woman right now and don't plan on changing anything.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Song du Jour: "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood
A song for you, Dabrin, Baby... and guess who the blonde tramp is?
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Meeting Mr. Wrong
Last night I got IMed by a fellow I have seen a couple times over the last few weeks. He's the kind of guy who likes to push buttons by saying outrageous things and seeing how a girl will react. So invariably he asks for sex. He also always makes sure to tell me that he never, ever pays for sex, that he doesn't even tip dancers, and that he is poor and doesn't "believe" in Lindens (SL money), whatever that means. Most of the girls at the club have given up on him as a cheapskate, but he's kind of cute, charming and witty even if outrageous, and he's fun to flirt with. So when he asked me to teleport him to my place for a blow job, I tp'ed him to Blue Noise instead. We danced and flirted. Somewhere during the course of the conversation he mentioned he is married in real life. This is not something that bothers me--married or not, it is between him and his wife what he does outside of their relationship. But then he wanted to know if I was married, single, or divorced. Why did that matter, I wondered?
Now, I've given him my perspective on marriage before: It's a great institution, but who wants to be in an institution! Personally I think marriage is good for the protection of children--a safe place to grow up with 2 parents. But if you don't have kids, what is the point of tying yourself down? Most of the time in marriage it is the woman whose freedom is limited by the expectations of society ("Good girls don't") while the man can come and go and play where he pleases ("Boys will be boys").
Think about this: can you come up with one positive word that describes a sexually active woman? No! They are all negative terms. Sexually active women are called sluts, whores, skanks, and tramps. Or we are described by our genitals: cunts, beaver, poon, pussies. The only "good" adjectives to describe women and sex together imply being asexual or having our sexuality controlled by men: maiden, virgin, wife. Even terms like mistress, concubine, paramour, have a negative flavor, indicating women engaged in sex with one man outside the bounds of matrimony. And, Ladies, if you dare to expect to be paid for sex you are a prostitute, no matter how you dress it up (escort, call girl, courtesan). Now try to think of a negative term for a sexually active man--there are none. Men are studs, stallions, or players. Their sexuallity is applauded!
So maybe I shouldn't have been surprised when my friend last night said he'd be uncomfortable with his RL wife having virtual sex in SL, and yet felt fine about chasing SL "tail" himself. Later he qualified that by saying that only casual SL sex was okay, it isn't cheating since it is all a fantasy. I pointed out that there are real people here, the only thing that is a fantasy is the setting. But he was adamant. Casual fuck? Okay. Get emotionally involved in SL? That would be "an affair," thus not acceptible. He seemed pretty pleased that I wasn't looking for a relationship or marriage--that put me in the "non-affair just a fuck" category, I guess.
That was the point at which I dropped to my knees and started to give him a virtual blow job--but he stopped me. His comment was: "Oh, you are one of those!" Now what? Was he having second thoughts about "cheating"? He wanted sex? He didn't want sex? Seems he wanted to be in charge. Its okay to try to seduce a woman and talk her into sex, but if she initiates it. . . . Here's the problem. Our society doesn't expect women to be sexually active or (heaven forfend!) sexually aggressive. Despite the sexual revolution of the 1960s-70s and the ground-breaking work of researchers like Kinsey, there is still an inherently parochial, even puritan attitude about female sexuality in America. And apparently in this fellow, too. Even in SL.
Now, I've given him my perspective on marriage before: It's a great institution, but who wants to be in an institution! Personally I think marriage is good for the protection of children--a safe place to grow up with 2 parents. But if you don't have kids, what is the point of tying yourself down? Most of the time in marriage it is the woman whose freedom is limited by the expectations of society ("Good girls don't") while the man can come and go and play where he pleases ("Boys will be boys").
Think about this: can you come up with one positive word that describes a sexually active woman? No! They are all negative terms. Sexually active women are called sluts, whores, skanks, and tramps. Or we are described by our genitals: cunts, beaver, poon, pussies. The only "good" adjectives to describe women and sex together imply being asexual or having our sexuality controlled by men: maiden, virgin, wife. Even terms like mistress, concubine, paramour, have a negative flavor, indicating women engaged in sex with one man outside the bounds of matrimony. And, Ladies, if you dare to expect to be paid for sex you are a prostitute, no matter how you dress it up (escort, call girl, courtesan). Now try to think of a negative term for a sexually active man--there are none. Men are studs, stallions, or players. Their sexuallity is applauded!
So maybe I shouldn't have been surprised when my friend last night said he'd be uncomfortable with his RL wife having virtual sex in SL, and yet felt fine about chasing SL "tail" himself. Later he qualified that by saying that only casual SL sex was okay, it isn't cheating since it is all a fantasy. I pointed out that there are real people here, the only thing that is a fantasy is the setting. But he was adamant. Casual fuck? Okay. Get emotionally involved in SL? That would be "an affair," thus not acceptible. He seemed pretty pleased that I wasn't looking for a relationship or marriage--that put me in the "non-affair just a fuck" category, I guess.
That was the point at which I dropped to my knees and started to give him a virtual blow job--but he stopped me. His comment was: "Oh, you are one of those!" Now what? Was he having second thoughts about "cheating"? He wanted sex? He didn't want sex? Seems he wanted to be in charge. Its okay to try to seduce a woman and talk her into sex, but if she initiates it. . . . Here's the problem. Our society doesn't expect women to be sexually active or (heaven forfend!) sexually aggressive. Despite the sexual revolution of the 1960s-70s and the ground-breaking work of researchers like Kinsey, there is still an inherently parochial, even puritan attitude about female sexuality in America. And apparently in this fellow, too. Even in SL.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Song for a Crazy Week: "Run To You" by Bryan Adams
When it gets too much,
I need to feel your touch...
I'm gonna run to you.
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