Thursday, July 17, 2008

Is Your Guy Cheating On You With His E-Wife?

Someone I know with an SL girlfriend and an RL wife once told me his teenage daughter called Second Life, that "Second Wife" game her dad plays. Here's the thing, many people head into Second Life never intending to fall into a romantic relationship with someone on the other end of a keyboard. Is it bad / wrong / cheating to act on real emotions virtually? Is it wrong to have real emotional attachments if you have RL commitments? Why can't we love more than one person?

Today someone else sent me another article discussing the Virtual relationships vs Physical relationships controversy. This one comes from a website called "DontDateHimGirl.com" (seriously!).

It asks: Is Your Guy Cheating On You With His E-Wife? And here is what they had to say:

What's an e-wife, you ask? She's a woman your guy meets online, has a full-blown cyber-relationship with, but never meets her in person.

A DDHG member asked us to help her get her man to dump her
[the e-wife]
and get back to his relationship in the real-world. Here's what the Average Guy had to say!

Q. Dear DDHG,

I have a major problem. I have been with my husband for six years. I just found out that he has a woman that he's "married" to in cyberspace. It's the craziest thing.

She's already married but calls herself his e-wife and manages his schedule. They have a cyber bank account together and he has dinner with her on the computer every night where they chat back and forth about their day, etc. I was floored! I have never seen anything like this. I am hurt and confused.

When I confronted him about it, he just said it was harmless and that I didn't need to worry. He said he's not cheating on me because he's not having sex with her and he's never met her in person.

Because he doesn't see it as a big deal, he's not doing anything to end the relationship with his e-wife. Please help! I really need some advice and I always turn to DDHG when I've got relationship problems. Thank you!!!

A. Wow! This is one heck of a story, but it's not uncommon. The e-wife phenomenon is gaining steam all over the world. Whether they are married or in relationships, men forge new entanglements with women in cyberspace. They rationalize it by telling themselves that since they're not physically touching the person or talking to them on the phone it's fine. Of course, their real-life partners never see it that way!

What you need to do is tell your guy in no uncertain terms that he can only have one woman in your life. While he's instant messaging his way through dinner with his e-wife, he could be having a romantic dinner with you. Tell him how uncomfortable it makes you feel to know that he is sharing the intimate details of his life with another woman.

Ask him how he would feel if you were doing the same thing. Most likely, he will get how much this hurts you and divorce his e-wife. If not, the choice is yours whether or not to leave the relationship. You deserve a guy who's not going to play around on you in real-life or in cyberspace. 

-- The Average Guy
I have two things to point out to RL wife here: (1) face the fact that your man is seriously attracted to something this other woman gives him, probably something that is lacking in your RL relationship; and (2) he is still with you and is not planning on leaving you is he? His being able to get it (whatever it is he gets from the e-wife--support, attention, sex, plain old conversation) in cyber-space gives him a reason to stay with you.

Here's the thing. People leave their real spouses everyday for other people they meet, fall in love with, and want a closer connection to. Yes, your guy is having his cake and eating it as well, but hey, he's still sleeping in your bed isn't he? If this "e-wife" were not there, would he be out looking for another woman in real life? What is he getting from her that he is not getting from you? Any RL girlfriend would have tried to talk him into leaving you by now. Maybe this in not a bad thing, but a safe solution.

It takes two to make a relationship work, RL or SL. Don't whine and make demands on him. You really want to draw him away from his cyber girlfriend? Then put on a sexy nighty and seduce his ass. Chances are really good the reason he is getting it in cyber-space is because you aren't giving it out at home. And the fact that your man is only doing it in cyber-space rather than picking up chicks in the bar down the street is proof that he cares for you and doesn't want to leave you. So cut him some slack.

I talk to guys in SL all the time who are not getting laid at home. Wife is too tired, kids are underfoot, a dozen reasons why there is no time for sex, or conversation, or the things that make a relationship special. But those are just the things that are necessary for the love to stay alive, for the passion to keep burning.

So he goes into cyber-space and gets his jollies. So what? He is still with you. If the other woman is also in an RL relationship chances are damn good she is not going to hop a plane or train and beat feet to come take your man away. And maybe the candy on the side can teach him a few tricks for pleasing you better, too. In any case he is happier and he is home. You push him and you may find yourself left in the dust while he heads out to find the woman who is not forcing him to make a choice. Remember Dutch! His RL wife had a hissy and pushed it, and he left her and married the cyber GF.

Now maybe it is me, or maybe it is because I just don't "get" monogamy. I have a SL cyber-lover and an RL man, too, but I just don't see why you can't love more than one person. It takes some juggling and balancing, sure, but in the end loving, being loved by more than one person . . . well let me just say that I am a very happy woman right now and don't plan on changing anything.

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