Song du Jour: Milow "You don't know"

"You don't know, you don't know,
you don't know anything 'bout me...
Tomorrow you'll be gone...."

Doesn't that sound like so many Second Life romances?

xkcd: Suggestions

To my Twitter and Facebook friends:

xkcd: Suggestions just pushed all my giggle buttons this morning! Hope you chuckle too. Let's "reconnect" (/me winks).

Love Sometimes Sucks

When I was a kid I hated amusement park rides. That awful sinking, kicked-in-the-gut feeling that you get as the rollercoaster heads down from the peaks, the slammed against the wall feeling the as the tilt-a-whirl throws you from side to side unexpectedly, and let's not forget the carousel. I actually liked carousels until I realized that you are always trapped going in circles and, even if the ups and downs aren't painful, you still can't get off the damn thing and it goes absolutely nowhere.

Now that I am all grown up not only do I still dislike amusement parks, but I find love is an amusement park, too.

Only now the kicked in the gut feeling is more like kicked in the heart. A hard burning knife-like pain. The heart is a pretty strong muscle, but it seems to have a very short memory sometimes. And any euphoria you felt a few minutes before can come all crashing down with a few nasty words. So not only do you feel pain, you also feel the urge to inflict pain back. And not only do you spiral down and get slammed against the walls that you each have put up, but you both lash out. You make it worse.

Here's the thing, if you want to make it work, make it last, and make it able to weather the ups and downs of the human emotional rollercoaster, you need to remember three rules:

1. Don't assume the worst. Talk. Get answers, and correct info. Then talk some more. And listen, listen carefully. Then talk again, and be honest. Communication will go a long way toward solving the problems that cause pain--especially if you meet your partner half way and can compromise where you conflict. Conflict will always happen--that's human--it is how we deal with it that conflict that keeps love alive.
2. Never get so caught up in your pain that you forget your partner is probably hurting as well. Sometimes when we get hurt we lash out at each other and the resulting damage escalates badly back and forth. If one of the two of you has the courage to say "I will not seek revenge," there is hope. If you each can say that, well then, there is real love there. And you will survive the down turns.
3. Say you are sorry. To paraphrase a famous quote: Love means always having to say you are sorry. And accepting that apology as well. Someone once told me that "sorry is a coin that wears thin over time." That is true. But it is also the best coin--maybe the only--coin you can spend when you are in the throes of pain and anger. None of us are perfect. We tend to make the same mistakes over and over. If you love, really love someone, you will give them the chance to say they are sorry and mean it. You will say you are sorry and mean it, too.

If you are luck enough to have found real love, true love, then you need to work on keeping it. Don't settle for anything less.

Virtual Romance takes a dive on XKCD

Visit xkcd: a webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math and language!

I hear the fat lady singing...

This has been a week of weird reflections for me. Thinking about the end of things. We are winding down to the end of the year. It is the end of the semester in school. In real life I am dealing with a death in the family.  But--and here is irony for you--it is the end of a love affair in Second Life that has hit me hardest of all.

I have avoided talking about all this in my blog here, because he never liked being the object of public discussion. He used to read my blog everyday. We used to chat everyday, we used to email, call, share our SL and RL lives. Then again, he used to love me. Ah well, things change. He doesn't read my blog any more (Google Analytics shows that to me). And he doesn't talk to me anymore. Not really. I get polite emails from time to time. Those friendly emails can hurt more than when we used to fight just because they are so polite, so cool. Distant, emotionless.

This week I realized (I have had some very long hours in the car thinking about stuff) that I have been spending most of 2009 waiting for "things to get better"--when all that happened was things got worse.

I could just count my blessings. I met him fell hard and fast, and had a glorious, wonderful, romantic nearly two years. Most of 2007 we were like (he used to say) teenagers in love. He was my obsession, and I was his. We couldn't keep our hands off each other.

All of 2008 we built our life together in Second Life. I gave him land in Valis for his rez day. We had an Italian villa he designed for me. He made me a studio to write in on the second floor. Then we bought airships and moved high in the sky. He had his shop on the ground. I was--still am--so very proud of his designs. We talked, laughed, had fun together. Couldn't bear to be apart for more than a day at a time.

Real life had demands on both of us. Real life came first we always said.

I remember once, after a fight, when we both went away angry and both immediately turned back around, he pointed out that we really were not capable of walking away from each other. He said: "I can't leave you. I always come back to you."

Here's a question: do we fall in love with a person? Or in love with the feeling of being in love? Or are they one and the same? What makes love go away? Do we just get tired of each other and the little annoyances become too much? How do you get around that? How do you make love last? Is it even possible?

And how do you let go when you don't want to let go? How do you by the one who left when it is a constant knife in the heart? Is it easier if you end it in anger? Because I can't be angry at him. I just hurt. All the time.

He said "Do you think we are the only star-crossed lovers that ever were? It will get better with time."

He was wrong. We are the only star-crossed lovers I ever was part of, and it isn't getting better.

xkcd -- a webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language -- just go read it

 

I have starred in this movie, I swear! 

Go to the XKCD site to see this in all its original glory: http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/suggestions.png

Then read all the comics there. These guys are bloody brilliant!

The Good / The Not So Good

It has been an odd week and a half for me. Some good, some not so good.

Not good: I lost my best friend. We'd had fights before. But I guess I always had faith that the friendship would survive. We'd blow up, then we'd talk. This time? Not so much. He's gone.

Good: I discovered some things about myself. I am an incurable optimist. I still believe that love and friendship can survive anything if both sides are willing to try. I still hope that someday we can be friends again.

Not good: I lost the only place I ever called home in SL. I should have known it was coming. I did know. But it still felt like getting a rug pulled out from under me.

Good: I found new land in Zindra, in McGavet. I was only half-heartedly looking, but I found a parcel that the previous owner had named "Serendipity Cove." I figured that was too serendipitous to pass up. And the price was right. The tier was, too. So I bought it.

Not so good: I have no one to share it with.

Kind of good: Another thing I discovered about myself this week is that I am at heart a nest-builder. That will be no surprise to anyone who knows me in RL. I am forever making over, rearranging, remodeling, and shopping for my RL home. When stressed I tend to head for Pier 1, Bed Bath & Beyond, or Home Depot. Even changing the colors of the bathroom towels and soaps can make my day. So it should be no surprise that rebuilding in a new space in SL was fairly theraputic as well. And I needed that therapy.

Neither good nor bad: There is some irony in the fact that I (once again) made a romantic spot to hang out in SL. Dancing, cuddles, and even sex animations. Waterfalls, pools, and gardens. I did mention that I am an incurable optimist, didn't I? And even if the man I would most like to share it with is no longer interested in me, well, at least perhaps I can make a nice place for other lovers to visit, to play.

So keep watching, I'll post pictures as I change the seasons at Serendipity Cove and redecorate regularly. Feel free to come by with your loved one and enjoy the facilities, make yourself at home.

"Let it Be Me"

Trivia night at Callahan's

I was frustrated after a long day where all my words came out wrong somehow. You know how it is on days when you just seem to be unable to say things in a way people will understand you? So to blow off steam, I went in world. Callahan's was having Trivia night. Tolkien was the subject--I could not resist. I have read the LoTR more than a dozen times, it is my comfort literature... the stuff you read and reread and reread.

I missed the first half hour of the contest. But as I walked up the walk I heard: "Seven for the dwarf lords ___________" and as I walk in the door, I automatically say "in their halls of stone." I got the point. It was pretty much a walk in the park from there.

I told them I was kind of a ringer on this so I would happily not play if they thought it was unfair. They said that in depth knowledge didn't disqualify me by the rules. There was one guy, Zonker, who had 3 points when I came in who, after a couple more questions that I took, said he was gonna give up and just stare at my avatar instead. I liked that. Puts a girl in a good mood right away when someone likes what they see. Other people here and there had a point or 2 each. Only 3 or 4 questions got away from me after that. A couple I really didn't know, a couple I was not fast enough for.

I ended the evening as the winner with the scores being: me with 14 points, Zonker with 5 or so, and other people had 1 or 2 each. I told them I didn't feel right about taking of the prize (a gift certificate for all the Callahan's books from Amazon), so next week's trivia winner (the subject is Larry Niven--do you see a scifi author trend here?) will get it. The other half of the prize was that I got to pick the trivia subject for 2 weeks from now. I took Zonker's recommendation for Robert Heinlein. Now I have to come up with 25 Heinlein trivia questions. How well do you grok Heinlein? Wanna help?

After the contest was over most people went away, some stayed and talked Scifi Lit for a while. That was fun. Turned out Zonker is a Dr. Who fan. There was another fellow had come late and missed the contest, but who wanted to chat. He was being a bit flirty and came and stood by my chair. But then he turned voice on, while everyone else was still in text--I think that is kind of rude, so I was not impressed. He just talked over everyone's text, too, the kind of guy who wants to hear his own voice over everyone else's. When Zonker stood up to leave, so did I.

The thing about Callahan's is that everyone goes out the door before TPing. It's a kind of courtesy to maintain the illusion that this is a real bar. When I left the golden boy followed me and kept talking. I just kept walking, but then he asked: "how do you pronounce your name?" Now I am a sucker for a man who asks me about my name, so I stopped and turned. "It sounds like 'sigh', " I said. It all went downhill from there.

"No, that's wrong," he said, and proceeded to give me a lesson in Chinese language as he saw it. He told me that my name should be said "da-zigh" because the T becomes a D sound as in Mao Tsetung (which he pronounced Mao Duh-zee-dung). I told him the Chinese Hanzi characters are not the same, this is a soft C sound and would be spelled "Cai" in modern Romanized Pinyin Chinese. He proceeded to lecture me on Chinese and its many dialects. I said, "I know--I speak Putonghua." He said that he didn't know that one, he was talking about Mandarin Chinese. I tell him Putonghua IS what we Americans call Mandarin! But he is off on the next topic already, India. He says many dialects there, I say many distinct languages, and I begin to list them: Hindi, Punjabi, Urdu, Nepali, English. . . .

It is a bad move trying to argue with him. Like talking to a wall. Maybe I should have turned my voice on, while he kept rambling off on different tangents to impressed me (not!) with his knowledge (wrong!), I could have cussed him out in Mandarin, and then Mongolian, and French, and thrown Latin in for good measure. I think that he thought this was the way to impress a woman. I also think that he's an idiot and picked on the wrong woman. Now I was getting pissed.

Next golden-boy goes off into a sort of rambling diatribe and tells me Sanskrit is written in runes. I say glyphs, and he tells me again I am wrong, because he's read a lot and knows better. We argue the meaning of the word hieroglyphs. He: "picture" writing, so Sanskrit is "runes" because it is not pictures. I say: "sacred" writing, and BTW sanskrit also means "sacred writing," and besides, runes are purely Teutonic script. And I was determined to make him see his error (though why I felt the need to prove myself to this guy is beyond me at the moment).

Then comes the clincher. He tells me that he knows all about Sanskrit (and Cuneiform, too, BTW); he first learned about it by watching the movie Journey to the Center of the Earth and I suddenly realize that I have been trying to prove myself to someone I likely wouldn't bother with in RL. Someone who is probably a kid who lives in his parent's basement with his computer, his video games, and his movie collection. Someone I would not stoop to conquer in real life. How odd is that?

Now I feel like an idiot. I tp'ed home and sat on the couch and reread my conversation with him. Why on earth did I even in engage in that exchange? Okay, I was feeling cocky and smart (having won the contest and all), and I was coming off a week full of missteps and insecurities in RL (some of that has to do with goings on at work, a coworker with whom I can't work). And some of it has to do with the way the universe has been unkind about a number of real life romance things.

But still, I have behaved like an idiot. Had to prove myself. But to whom? And why? It did neither me nor Golden Boy any good to try to one up each other. And it ruined any chance of a normal conversation between us ever again.

Here's the thing about SL. We put on avatars and suddenly we need to be larger than life. We script our own movies. We are the stars of our own melodramas. What is up with that? Are the emotions higher in SL? Hearts worn on the sleeve and all? Or are we just so damn wrapped up in the roles we play that we forget about the other people in the movie with us?

I am a firm believer in Serendipity. That there are lessons all around us if we only take the time to listen rather than trying to force our own will on the universe. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe I'll just sit and ponder on this for a while.

A Song for SL Dancers: "Human" by the Killers

I have fallen in love with this song by the Killers. It asks a very poignant question: are we human or are we dancer"? But what does a question like this mean?

Of course we are all indeed human--with all the fallibility inherent thereto: anger, pain, jealousy, illicit desire, and deceit. But perhaps we are also more than human when we let art take us above mere humanity. We are, as dancers, as beings engaged actively in art and in social interaction through that art (music, dance, all the performance and creative arts) much more able to appreciate all the things arts inspire or are inspired by--most especially desire, romance, being loved, caring for a beloved.

So, of course, this song reminds me of dancing my way through second life with a special friend. Not only because of the dance he and I dance in SL, but for the feathers on the lead singer's shoulders (wings? armor?) and the black crow (his totem) that flies through the video as well.

And if you, Dear Reader, have a lover with whom you dance (and, oh, the connotations that word dance can cover!) you, too, should take a closer look at this song.

Are you just Human? Or are you Dancer? Me--I hope I will be dancing.

[Note: follow this link to the (not embeddable) official song video with lyrics. And check out this one by the Second Life Sky Navy. Or this one: the Stalker Chick version!]

A Song for Hawk: "Witch of the Westmoreland" by Stan Rodgers

Pale was the wounded knight that bore the rowan shield
Loud and cruel were the raven's cries that feasted on the field
Saying "Beck water cold and clear will never clean your wound
There's none but the witch of the Westmoreland
can make thee hale and sound. . . ."

And she's bound his wounds with the goldenrod,
full fast in her arms he lay
And he has risen hale and sound with the sun high in the day
And she said "Ride with your brindled hound at heel,
and your good grey hawk in hand
There's none can harm the knight who's lain
with the Witch of the Westmorland."

Read the full lyrics here: http://www.bardicarts.org/songs/Magic/witchofthewestmoreland.html

Winter is for Romance in Serendipity

Got the cold weather blahs? I have a cure for that! Take your sweetheart out for a romantic evening of dance and whispered sweet nothings in Serendipity.

We have been decorating for the season and with the help of our fellow Serendipity Seekers have set up a huge ice block dance floor with Intan couples dance balls. Come whirl your darling around the dance floor to soft jazz, or cuddle in the sleigh-shaped chaise and sip a goblet of mulled wine, or take a ride with romance on the paradise blanket. (Ours is loaded with a garden of Eden, an autumn walk in the park, a summer at the beach, a winter cabin in the woods, a '50s diner, trips all over the world, and a honeymoon suite.)



And for the ladies, if you stop by Draven's Bird of Prey shop be sure to look for the holiday present by the door, a lovely red velvet ruffled version of his classic "Dove" blouse, a free gift only during this holiday season. You can see me wearing it here in the picture as Draven swings me around the dance floor. If you join the "Bird of Prey" group (just click on the sign in the shop!) you will get updates on parties in Serendipity and future free fashions by Bird of Prey, too!

So stop by and visit. We'd love to see you this holiday season!

The Nuts and Bolts of being an E-wife

Yesterday I talked about a blog post someone sent me regarding the damage done to Real relationships by Virtual relationships. Not the first time someone has told me that. Usually the kind of advice I hear from people not involved in virtual relationships is something along the lines of: "If you really love him you would give him up and let him get on with his real life," or in some cases: "If you are so serious about him you should go take him away from that RL wife/GF/lover." Both of those perspective come from people who only see validity in "Reality." Sometimes a thing is neither black nor white, but some shade of grey between the two.

Today I got an email from someone who is in both a virtual relationship and a real one. In VR she has a man with whom she is carrying on a torrid love affair. In RL she loves her husband, has a baby girl, and wants more children with him. And her RL husband is a very nice, hard-working man doing his best to support her and their baby--a man who is, however, not always as available to her or romantic with her as her only-a-text-message-away e-BF. Mutually exclusive relationships? Not as much as you would think.

She began her email telling me how her e-BF had told her some secrets, secret stuff he had never shared with her before, and since she hates the whole secretiveness thing, she found herself really annoyed with him for keeping secrets in the first place. But thinking about secrets and the trading of RL info between people in a VR romance leads to another thought. Is there a "need to know" on the RL information in a VR or romance? She said:

"Then I came to a somewhat cool realization. I am his vacation girl. I am the Caribbean, where his mind wanders when the rest of his world is rainy and grey. I am not the nuts and bolts. That does not diminish what this is or how anyone feels for anyone else...it is what it is. I am not his home. His house. He is not unhappy in his life, which would change little if I were gone (not saying it wouldn't hurt). I am not here to judge. I can love him for all those things...."

She can love him for what she does have with him, because clearly she is not looking to change any RL situations, his or hers. He can't be what the RL husband can be, the man with whom she has daily conversations about all the nuts and bolts of living. The diapers, the dinner, paying the bills, but also about having babies and building a life. But her virtual BF can be, as she is for him, the escape that keeps her going through and past the stresses of the day to day. A VR lover is the daydream you have--but an interactive daydream, with a playmate. A daydream that allows you to go home to RL and deal with the nuts and bolts.

In fact, the nuts and bolts of a virtual relationship are pretty superficial. Polite chat about your day, what is new with your RL life? Maybe--but not too much of that, probably no more than you would tell a co-worker or the mailman. More imaginative chat about places you would, go things you wish you could do? Yes, lots of trading of fantasies. And in that, a great deal of what the two of you would/could do romantically/erotically in those faraway exotic places/moments you will likely never see. Moments which spark a romantic side of you that you then take home to real life.

If you participate in a virtual world like Second Life no doubt much of your chat is also consumed by what is new in that life, not in "Real Life." There too lies fantasy. In SL there are no dirty dishes or laundry, the housekeeping is simple, messes can be deleted, and no one ever has bad breath, bed head, zits, or warts, no one snores, farts, burps, or embarrasses you in front of your mother . . . all the annoying details (nuts and bolts) of RL are just not there. Different kind of relationship entirely. One which doesn't threaten a real life relationship. . . unless you choose to let it. But that, my friends, is a different story altogether.

Places to go In Second Life: Nightwish, a Club for Lovers

Nightwish Romance Ballroom is a beautiful place to take your sweetheart for a quiet evening of love talk in each others arms. Plenty of romantic dance balls, couches and cuddle balls, all under a midnight sky.

Best for me is the fact that this club is dedicated to one of my all time fav music groups, Nightwish!

Check it out, and if you see me dancing there with a friend, come over and say hello to us!

Is Your Guy Cheating On You With His E-Wife?

Someone I know with an SL girlfriend and an RL wife once told me his teenage daughter called Second Life, that "Second Wife" game her dad plays. Here's the thing, many people head into Second Life never intending to fall into a romantic relationship with someone on the other end of a keyboard. Is it bad / wrong / cheating to act on real emotions virtually? Is it wrong to have real emotional attachments if you have RL commitments? Why can't we love more than one person?

Today someone else sent me another article discussing the Virtual relationships vs Physical relationships controversy. This one comes from a website called "DontDateHimGirl.com" (seriously!).

It asks: Is Your Guy Cheating On You With His E-Wife? And here is what they had to say:

What's an e-wife, you ask? She's a woman your guy meets online, has a full-blown cyber-relationship with, but never meets her in person.

A DDHG member asked us to help her get her man to dump her [the e-wife] and get back to his relationship in the real-world. Here's what the Average Guy had to say!

Q. Dear DDHG,

I have a major problem. I have been with my husband for six years. I just found out that he has a woman that he's "married" to in cyberspace. It's the craziest thing.

She's already married but calls herself his e-wife and manages his schedule. They have a cyber bank account together and he has dinner with her on the computer every night where they chat back and forth about their day, etc. I was floored! I have never seen anything like this. I am hurt and confused.

When I confronted him about it, he just said it was harmless and that I didn't need to worry. He said he's not cheating on me because he's not having sex with her and he's never met her in person.

Because he doesn't see it as a big deal, he's not doing anything to end the relationship with his e-wife. Please help! I really need some advice and I always turn to DDHG when I've got relationship problems. Thank you!!!

A. Wow! This is one heck of a story, but it's not uncommon. The e-wife phenomenon is gaining steam all over the world. Whether they are married or in relationships, men forge new entanglements with women in cyberspace. They rationalize it by telling themselves that since they're not physically touching the person or talking to them on the phone it's fine. Of course, their real-life partners never see it that way!

What you need to do is tell your guy in no uncertain terms that he can only have one woman in your life. While he's instant messaging his way through dinner with his e-wife, he could be having a romantic dinner with you. Tell him how uncomfortable it makes you feel to know that he is sharing the intimate details of his life with another woman.

Ask him how he would feel if you were doing the same thing. Most likely, he will get how much this hurts you and divorce his e-wife. If not, the choice is yours whether or not to leave the relationship. You deserve a guy who's not going to play around on you in real-life or in cyberspace. 
-- The Average Guy
I have two things to point out to RL wife here: (1) face the fact that your man is seriously attracted to something this other woman gives him, probably something that is lacking in your RL relationship; and (2) he is still with you and is not planning on leaving you is he? His being able to get it (whatever it is he gets from the e-wife--support, attention, sex, plain old conversation) in cyber-space gives him a reason to stay with you.

Here's the thing. People leave their real spouses everyday for other people they meet, fall in love with, and want a closer connection to. Yes, your guy is having his cake and eating it as well, but hey, he's still sleeping in your bed isn't he? If this "e-wife" were not there, would he be out looking for another woman in real life? What is he getting from her that he is not getting from you? Any RL girlfriend would have tried to talk him into leaving you by now. Maybe this in not a bad thing, but a safe solution.

It takes two to make a relationship work, RL or SL. Don't whine and make demands on him. You really want to draw him away from his cyber girlfriend? Then put on a sexy nighty and seduce his ass. Chances are really good the reason he is getting it in cyber-space is because you aren't giving it out at home. And the fact that your man is only doing it in cyber-space rather than picking up chicks in the bar down the street is proof that he cares for you and doesn't want to leave you. So cut him some slack.

I talk to guys in SL all the time who are not getting laid at home. Wife is too tired, kids are underfoot, a dozen reasons why there is no time for sex, or conversation, or the things that make a relationship special. But those are just the things that are necessary for the love to stay alive, for the passion to keep burning.

So he goes into cyber-space and gets his jollies. So what? He is still with you. If the other woman is also in an RL relationship chances are damn good she is not going to hop a plane or train and beat feet to come take your man away. And maybe the candy on the side can teach him a few tricks for pleasing you better, too. In any case he is happier and he is home. You push him and you may find yourself left in the dust while he heads out to find the woman who is not forcing him to make a choice. Remember Dutch! His RL wife had a hissy and pushed it, and he left her and married the cyber GF.

Now maybe it is me, or maybe it is because I just don't "get" monogamy. I have a SL cyber-lover and an RL man, too, but I just don't see why you can't love more than one person. It takes some juggling and balancing, sure, but in the end loving, being loved by more than one person . . . well let me just say that I am a very happy woman right now and don't plan on changing anything.

Dancing in the Airship

Dancing in the Airship

Originally uploaded by Tsai Dancing in the Airship--a rez-day present to Draven that makes a great hideaway above Valis. (Ship was created by Cara Rossini)

Song for The Weekend: "Where Your Book Begins"

. . . I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in. . . .

Quote of the Day: Oscar Wilde

"Men always want to be a woman's first love, women like to be a man's last romance." --Oscar Wilde

Places in Second Life: Crescent Museum, guest post by Jhai Thorne

There are many galleries and museums in SL, but none that boasts such a rich history as the Crescent Moon Museum in FairChang Village. Owned and run by Tayzia Abbatoir, this museum has some of the most unique examples of the kind of art that is NPIRL (not possible in real life) and in such a large collection that the displays are changed on a bi-weekly basis. The Crescent Moon is also the oldest museum in SL dating back to 2004, when Ms. Abbatoir began collecting the works of the infamous builder Starax Statosky. Since August of 2007 is has been housed on FairChang Island in a grand ballroom build by Random Calliope, the famous jewelry designer who has placed his well-known Mata Hari's Jewelry Quest there.

When I visited the museum recently I was delighted by the wit of some of the exhibits, such as the multi-figured "Primolution" showing the evolution from prim to avatar by Stella Costello, and the ever-changing metallic puzzle, "Tricky #1, by Yoa Ogee, or the amusingly morose figure of "Sad Bob" by Red Levitt. By far, however, my favorite pieces on display were the series of Top Hats by Spiral Walcher. Each of these delightful whimsies is a tiny world of its own complete with a miniscule three-dimensional dioramic scene built inside. You can find everything in these hats from a factory complete with steampipes to a dinner table set in a wheat field.

Of course anyone who has toured the museum could not resist taking the Mata Hari jewelry challenge, and I am no exception. The challenge begins with a box on the mantelpiece over the fireplace. In the memorabilia box the quester will find many interesting photos and unsent postcards, notes from Margarete to Random, and a seashell brooch. You must read all the notecards and discover the tragic tale of unfullfilled romance of Random and the entertainer known as Mata Hari. Mr. Calliope has based this quest very cleverly on the story of the real Mata Hari, Margarete Zelle, who was shot by the French as a spy in October of 1917. Be careful when you try this challenge, Dear Readers, not to dismiss any detail you uncover as insignificant! Random Calliope has demonstrated not only a brilliant imagination here, but also that he has a remarkably romantic soul.
I was very fortunate while embarking on the challenge to encounter an attractive, albeit somewhat mysterious, man--a fellow quester who very helpfully demonstrated just how Random Calliope kissed Margarete after her performance in his ballroom, the current home of the Crescent Museum. This . . . um . . . kind gesture on his part led me to find the ring as well as the first few clues. Armed with that information I intend to pursue to the end this quest to find Margarete's jewelry and to, perhaps, meet my charming fellow quester once more. I shall endeavor to keep you posted on my . . . um . . . further adventures there.

In the meantime, take a trip yourselves to FairChang Island and discover the Crescent Museum, a place where so much of what is best about Second Life--art, music, dance, creativity, and romance--can be found.

SL Sociology 101 by Corwyn Allen

[The following is an article written by an RL friend of mine who has recently discovered SL and who, familiar with the many masks of role-play, has taken a close look at what he sees in the world of SL fantasy. --Tsai]

All the World’s a Stage

So here I am, chatting up this lovely young avatar in Second Life, telling her how I’m going to eventually buy some land and start building a place of my own when she asks me, “So what will you be role-playing?” I had to take a long pause. I’d never heard that question asked in SL. Granted, I’ve only been playing a scant few months, but still, it’s not even a question I’d asked myself. Why? Because to me SL *is* role-playing. I mean, here we are, taking new names, creating new bodies for our avatars, and putting on clothing (or in some cases taking it off) that we’d never be able to wear in Real Life (RL from here on out). We’re creating characters that are sometimes extensions of how we see ourselves in our minds' eye, and sometimes characters that are so far away from who we are as to be completely unrecognizable by even the creators of that character. Then we create personal spaces, homes that are castles or pagodas, or high rise apartment buildings, sometimes even floating in the sky. And let’s not forget the virtual sex. It turns phone sex into a cheap date. Now if that isn’t role-playing, I’m not sure I know what is. To me, all of SL is role-playing no matter what you personally do with it.

You Can Lead a Horticulture…

I guess that needs clarification. There are many more different cultures in SL than one can ever find outside of science fiction or fantasy novels in RL. There are of course those that spill over from RL, the Goths, the Vampires, the Furries and others who inhabit Sci-Fi Cons (science fiction conventions to the initiated). These people create their own spaces and avatars that emulate what they do to a lesser degree in RL. The Nekos, or Cat People, are one example. These folks create avatars that look like Anime humanoid cats. I have seen examples of people in RL getting piercings and tattoos and even skin implants to emulate given animals, like one man who had implants put into his upper lip so he could attach cat whiskers, and then got cat’s eye contact lenses and wears ears and fur and cat makeup. And a guy who got an all body tattoo to resemble lizard scales and skin implants to make his head more lizard-like. These are considered extreme in RL, but in SL it’s all par for the course because the ears, whiskers, and even tails become part of your SL body. And you don’t need to mutilate your RL body to do it. In fact you can change your body any time you want. I only wish I had the physique in RL that I have given myself in SL. Woo-hoo!

Tripping the Light Fantasia

But let’s not forget the folks who just go for a relatively normal appearance. Ok, so there’s nothing “normal” about everyone looking like they just stepped out of Cosmo or Today’s Man, but that’s not the point. No one in SL, at least no one I’ve yet encountered, ever builds an avatar that looks enough like themselves in RL that you could put their RL picture up next to their SL picture and not be able to tell them apart. They want an idealized version of themselves. So even if they don’t go Goth or Neko or LGM from outer space they’re still a fantasy character.

So what does that mean? It means that we’re here for the fantasy. We can do things in SL we can’t do in RL. I’d love to be able to fly without having to use an airplane or even have wings. I’d love to be able to teleport from one place to another. But more than that, I’d love to be able to chat up or flirt with a pretty young woman I’ve never met without fear of getting hit with a sexual harassment suit, or just plain hit. (Ow!) But it’s even more than that. We’re here for the relationships. So let’s talk about that.

There are all kinds of things one can do in SL with a partner (or partners if that’s your thing). From simple cuddling on some cushions, to dancing to . . . well, you get the idea. And there are graphic, um, aids, that can enhance these experiences. And this leads to arousal of varying degrees in RL. I have to admit to feeling aroused while slow dancing with a pretty avatar. Just watching the avatars interact can be very stimulating. And once you get to intimate chatting with your partner the experience increases.

Only the Lonely?

So why do we come to SL to do this? I think because in many cases we simply can’t do it in RL. Oh sure, we might be able to if the opportunity presented itself, but that’s the point. For some people that opportunity is not going to present itself in RL for a variety of reasons. One person may not be what is considered physically attractive. Another may have the social skills of a goat. Yet another may simply be afraid of social encounters. But in SL you can find those opportunities in wild abundance. The chances for casually intimate (no, that’s not an oxymoron) relationships in SL are as abundant as wild flowers in a spring meadow. Let’s revisit the avatar’s appearance for a minute. Someone is going to build the most attractive avatar for themselves that they can. They've created a flower to attract butterflies. In RL they may not be that pretty flower and the people they would want to attract in RL wouldn’t give them the time of day. But in SL it’s easy. And once people come up to you or allow you to approach them the door is open to further social interaction.

But it’s not all about the appearance. That’s just the initial attractor. Remember I said that our characters are extensions of our RL selves. How we physically see ourselves in our own minds. So once the initial virtual pheromone has been sent out by way of the appearance of the avi (short for avatar) one now has to introduce the persona. We have to speak and act a certain way in order to maintain the attractiveness. Some personae, once they open their virtual mouths immediately turn other persons off no matter how attractive they are (gee, just like in RL). Still others have a way with words that enhance the visual attractiveness. This is what I call the Romance Factor.

Romancing the Grid

I think we are all looking for romance in one form or another. For some romance can take the form of the casual liaison or even just sex, virtual or otherwise (I have to pause here and quote a favorite writer, Spider Robinson, who had one of his characters comment on making love vs. just plain having sex as saying, “I tried fucking. There’s nothing wrong with it. There’s just not enough right with it”). For others it’s all about how the person you’re with makes you feel by what they say to you and how they phrase it. Some people in SL are looking for a girlfriend or boyfriend that they can’t manage to find in RL. Someone who makes them feel special or cherished. They come to SL because they’re lonely and need that romantic lift in their lives. They need to be able to speak openly and freely without fear of the consequences or repercussions one might encounter in RL. Some want to have multiple and varied partners perhaps because they don’t want to be tied to one avi or because their own fantasies cover different venues, one time being an elegant Regency Period gentleman, the next a Medieval Lord or a Harley Biker with a jet pack. The roles can change in SL. They don’t have to be static. And so the Romance Factor is further enhanced.

Lookin’ for Love in all the Virtual Spaces

We must, however be sure not to confuse virtual romance with real love. And of course that brings us to an interesting question. Just what is love and how does it equate through feeling romantic in a game? I’m not sure I know the answer to that. (Anyone? Bueller?) I think there is a danger of “falling in love” with an avatar as opposed to the persona behind the avatar. I’ve known at least one real person who has come to love an SL persona, but their relationship, while totally electronic (they live in different part of the country and have never met outside SL), has been fulfilling for both and they have related on both an SL and an RL level. This is a romance between the real people behind the personae, not just between role-played avatars or those avatars' personae.

In any case, I think one should approach SL relationships with caution. Feelings can be just as fragile in the virtual world as in the real. Be up front and be honest. You may find it’s much easier in SL than in RL. In fact, SL may actually make social interaction easier for the person who is more socially inept in RL who can interact here with people up front and honestly without being overtly offensive or worse, being terrified to act at all.

The Final Frontier

In summation, what we have is a lot of people leading dull, dreary, lonely or just plain uninteresting Real Lives looking for the excitement of romance in a personally tailored Second Life. But unlike RL, in SL you can put less in and get more out of it. But of course SL isn’t inhabited by only those looking for romance. A good time can be had by all, and that good time varies with personal interests. The intent of this article is to only focus on the role-playing and romance aspects of SL.

So at the end of the day we find ourselves drawn to our fantasies, be they bodice-ripping romance novels, a favorite television show in which we become invested in the characters on the screen, or Second Life. The real world around is vast, but at the same time too constricting. We must obey the laws, whether of physics or of government. We must be aware that in RL one person’s charming conversation is another person’s sexist or racist remark. If you bump into someone you should ask their pardon, and you can’t walk under water. But in SL, if at first you don’t succeed, redraw your avi and start again. No one is going to have you arrested, or sent to court and fined, and the worst that can happen is that you can get booted off SL for abuse (see their terms of agreement). You can do a lot with SL as long as you remember it’s only a role-playing fantasy and RL is still out there waiting for you to get up on Monday morning and go to work so you can continue to pay for your SL account and Internet access. Just a final word of caution; be careful about letting your SL spill over into your RL. That man you’re kissing may just turn out to be a woman.