Lately I've been kissing people I'm not married to...

SL is a strange place. You can get immediately and intimately connected with people you barely know. Now I am not saying this is necessarily a bad thing, and lord knows I am not likely to give up doing so myself, but I read a post a while ago on Salon.com that reminded me of what the unintended consequences could be for SL relationships.

Salon.com has an advice column (generally witty, always interesting) written by Cary Tennis. This offering is "Lately I've been kissing women I'm not married to," a lament from a married man who finds himself wanting to act out his fantasies of making out with strangers... here's a small piece:

My situation is this: I think of myself as happily married. My wife and I have a good relationship. Our sex life is just fine. Why have I done this? My recurring fantasy is going out with a woman from work and we end up at her place after drinks, fooling around. Pretty vanilla, I know. But that's me! The situation this week followed my fantasy to a T, which I clearly found exciting. But my fantasy always goes further than what actually happened this week. I/we stopped it in its tracks because I/we knew it was wrong. But why wasn't I smart enough to stop it earlier, when we were having drinks and were both giving clear signals to each other? I would understand if I was unhappy in my marriage. That is why I find my behavior so stupid. What is my problem? 

Serial Kisser 

Dear Serial Kisser,
What is your problem? Your problem is that if you continue to kiss women you are not married to, soon you will no longer be married. That is the usual outcome with the kissing of attractive women you are not married to. You are evidently aware of this in some dim way. That would be why this hobby of yours is not bringing you unalloyed pleasure but instead a pleasure tinged with a dollop of piquant dread. . . . I mean, it's understandable what's been happening. Get a few drinks in you and you want to kiss people. It's natural. Nothing wrong with that per se, except you're married. You know the rules. You knew the rules when you signed up. Nobody forced you to sign up. You signed up on your own. There are a lot of people you don't get to kiss now. It's tough, I know. But those are the rules. 

If Cary is correct, well, there are a lot of us breaking those rules by our actions in our SL lives. So the ultimate question becomes: is having a relationship in SL a threat to an RL relationship? I personally know of at least 2 RL couples playing in SL who have come close to the brink of separation/divorce and may yet tip over it. These are RL married couples who play separately in SL and have SL relationships with SL partners other than their RL ones. And in both cases each partner has one or more SL sweetie, someone other than their RL one. It should also be said that in each case the RL relationship was in someways dysfunctional before anyone got involved with anyone else in SL.
There are also cases of people getting involved with SL partners to the exclusion and alienation of their RL spouses. An August 10, 2007 article in the Wall Street Journal, "Is this Man Cheating on his Wife?", tells the story of one guy who has in effect traded his RL for his SL, spending full days on the computer in SL with his other wife, an SL partner. Andrew Vogel's response, in his blog Spunlogic, tells us:

According to family law experts and marital counselors, though, the Hoogestraats’ deteriorating marriage is not an isolated case. The article cites that an increasing number of marriages are crumbling because of “virtual infidelity.” This begs the question, if virtual marriages are causing real life marriage trouble, are the virtual marriages all that virtual?

And there is the crux of the issue. Secondlife isn't just a game anymore. There are real people and real feelings on the other side of that avatar. Just like you can pick up a one-night stand in a bar, you can pick one up in SL. And just like that one-time good time in RL can lead to something serious so can an SL relationship become serious. 

So what is the answer? Telling everyone--telling ourselves--"Hey! Don't do that!" Oh yeah, that'll work. Look. Let's face it. There is a huge divorce rate in this country. And why? Because Americans throw something out and get a new one when it doesn't work anymore. Here's a notion. Maybe the SL relationship can save the RL one that isn't working? Don't get enough sex at home? Have an affair or hire an escort in SL. No diseases, no mess, not expensive, not illegal. But don't expect a full time SL relationship AND a full time RL one. I'm not saying you can't have both--just that you have to be able to balance what you want with what you can realistically have. And be really sure, if you find you have to choose between the two, you are making the right choice--in full understanding of the effects of your choices on you, on the people in your real life, and on your SL lovers.

Sunday's song: "Bring On The Wonder" ~ Susan Enan

Song du Jour: Damien Rice: "Delicate"

We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate

So why'd you fill my sorrows
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why'd ya sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?

We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate

So why'd you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place that you've known
And why'd you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?

And why'd you fill my sorrows
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place that you've known
Why'd you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?

Song for a Rainy Monday: Delain's "Frozen"

With special thanks to Thorgal. . . .

Misty windows hide your empty eyes
Every moment, every whisper
Seperates you from me
I've been screaming, won't you let me in?
Let me see a trace of the places
Hidden under your skin

Answer me
Until the day that you do
I'll be one step behind you
Answer me
Until the day that you do
I'll be waiting here for you

Needles stick me when you look away
And your silence sounds like
Deafening screams to me
I've been waiting, won't you open your heart?
And let me in
Please let me in

Free your mind from doubts
All you have is now
Free your mind from shame
It will only bring you pain

Sex With A New Guy

Cosmopolitan magazine, every girl's guide to life, the universe, and everything, has a great article on Sex With A New Guy that gives a lot of useful pointers on sex in the real world:

"Getting intimate with a new person can be clumsy," says Chris Fariello, PhD, director of the Institute for Sex Therapy, in Philadelphia. You aren't completely comfortable with each other yet. Plus, there's so much at stake the first time — if the sex is bad, you could second-guess the budding relationship. These four rules will make it completely enjoyable.

Good advice here, and both men and women can benefit from it. But for those of us who like sex in virtual worlds as well as real, those who seek quality passionate moments in Second Life, the rules are a bit different. Here are my adaptations of those same "four rules" for SL.

Rule 1: Don't Jump the Gun
Foreplay is just as important in SL as in RL. But in the virtual setting the foreplay doesn't just begin in the moment that you jump on those pose balls, it starts from your first conversation. Treat every potential sex partner as you would like to be treated from day one, from that very first flirtatious exchange. If you go slow, the build up of desire and anticipation even before you get to the main act can be what takes you from ho- hum mutual masturbation to a mind-boggling connection.

Once you have (mutually) determined that you will hit the (virtual) sheets together, take a second or two to send little daily IMs (even if he is not on) just letting him know how much you are looking forward to the encounter. Emote things like I am imagining your hands on me right now, I want to whisper my fantasies in your ear, or When I see you log in my breath catches and heart begins to beat faster. The rule here is subtle. You know those explicit emotes the stripper on the pole in the club is throwing out at all the guys--you don't want to go there, yet. Save those for when you are at the main event.

And when the time comes, take the time to verbally undress for your partner and to verbally undress him (/me slips warm fingers into your waistband and unbuckles your belt. /me slips my blouse first off one shoulder then the other.)

Foreplay in SL is the verbal repartee that lets your partner know you find him (or her) desirable and can barely bear to wait, but also that s/he is worth waiting for.

Rule 2: Acknowledge Awkward Moments
In real life this is when the biology fails us. Nervousness makes hard things soft and wet things dry. In SL that is not where the problems arise (no pun intended). In virtual sex there are no biological failures, you are touching you and he is touching himself.  However, communication is the key here and, let's face it, when we get excited we can often barely type, let alone spell, and there is no time for spell check in virtual sex! Then there is the issue of typing one-handed. Planning this scene out in your head beforehand can help. Even having a list of cut and paste emotes may be useful.

Using voice solves a number of those problems, but can raise others. One or both of you may be intimidated by dirty-talk out loud. If voice is no problem go for it, but be willing to do text if your partner expresses any discomfort. And if you finally do get to hear that sexy fellow's voice be prepared that it may not match the avatar! If you are going to get into voice keep it low and slow: you can cultivate a sexy voice even if you weren't born with one.

Through it all remember: you have to be willing to go with the flow! If all your emotes are about tying her to the bed and she wants to be on top, neither of you is going to have fun. This is a two-way conversation or you might as well be watching porn and doing it alone. Take some time to talk her (or him) slowly  into your fantasy (see rule 1!). Let it develop for your partner by giving them time to react and respond. And listen--really listen--for your partner's reactions.

Rule 3: Say Something Nice
Let's face it, half the joy of good sex is when your partner gets off on it, too. It's the ubiquitous question: Was it good for you? We all want to please as much as we want to be pleased. (If you are one of the few to whom that doesn't matter you can quit reading now and go back to masturbating all alone.) For most of us feedback is a good thing, but on a first encounter you should always keep it simple and positive.

In SL, where you can't see facial and body reactions, feedback becomes even more critical. Tell your partner what you liked. Yes, you can also talk about what you each didn't like (later), but how much easier--and more pleasant to focus on the good.  "OMG, baby, when you said _____ I had the most amazing _____" may be a bit over the top. Or not. Know your audience I always say. But a simple basic "I love that you are/said/did" lets your partner know that s/he is more than cartoon porn to you. In a virtual world we have to sometimes take an extra step or two to be "real" to each other. And we need to remember that orher cartoon in the bed is a real person with real feelings as well.

Rule 4: Hold Back from Getting Crazy Acrobatic
Now here is where SL really breaks away from reality.  In SL you can be as bizarrely creative (and I have seen some bizarre pose balls) as the animations allow.  But for your first time together, keeping it simple is a good idea. (Remember paragraph three in rule 2 above!) Take time to learn each others likes and dislikes, take time to talk about your desires, fantasies,and take time to learn your partner's tastes before you buy that vampire sex swing with the cream pie attachments.

Since genitals and sexual equipment is also virtual (as well as detachable, resizable, and available in a variety of species) there are some creative things you can do in your SL sex play. But again, for that first encounter, you may want to leave the 6' penis and the giant butterfly shaped clit in your inventory and just go with normal genitalia. Go slow. Once you get to know each other better there will be time for all the crazy sex games you can dream of. After all this is the place to do those things that are NPIRL (Not Possible in Real Life)!
                           
That's it. Hope this advice has been useful. And I also hope you are having all the SL sex fun you can grab with both hands. Where else but in Second Life can you meet beautiful people, with whom you can connect on an intimate level of the mind, as well as having some good old fashioned sex-play with no RL biological consequences? So play nice, kids and share the toys!

A song for the man I still love: Matt Nathanson's "Come on, Get higher"

Drown me in love... everything works, in your arms.

A song for all lovers separated by time and space and circumstance: "Love Remains the Same"

A thousand times I've seen you standing
gravity like a lunar landing
make me want to run till I find you
shut the world away from here, drift to you, you're all I hear
everything we know fades to black . . .

So much more to say, so much to be done
don't you trick me out, we shall overcome
cause our love stays ablaze. . . .

A song for a raw-around-the-edges Thursday: Sarah McLachlan "Do What You Have To Do"

What ravages of spirit conjured this temptuous rage?
Created you a monster; broken by the rule of love.
And fate has led you through it,
You do what you have to do.
Oh, and fate has led you through it,
You do what you have to do.
But I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go.

Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul.
I'm ever swiftly moving; trying to escape this desire.
The yearning to be near you,
I do what I have to do.
Oh, the yearning to be near you,
I do what I have to do.
And I have the sense to recognize that I don’t know how to let you go.
I don’t know how to let you go.

A glowing ember, burning hot, and burning slow.
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you.
I know I can't be with you,
I do what I have to do.
I know I can't be with you,
I do what I have to do.
And I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go.
I don't know how to let you go.
I don't know how to let you go.

A Song for This Morning: Ben Harper, "Morning Yearning"

a finger's touch upon my lips
it's a morning yearning
pull the curtains shut, try to keep it dark
but the sun is burning...

like a summer rose, i'm a victim of the fall
but am soon returning
your love's the warmest place the sun ever shines
my morning yearning

When I need you to talk to me...

It has been a rough week. You know those days when everything just feels off? And you start making the little circles in your head . . . he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

I know Draven has been really busy. RL gets in our way so much these days. Sometimes he says, "We are in a good place." Which to me means he is comfortable with us just as we are. Why then do I feel like he's farther away than he used to be? For a fairly tough cookie I can be bloody insecure.

I wanted to talk to him about it Monday, but he wasn't there, only Wren was in-world. She had twenty questions for me: what was new with Rhi? Had I seen Seth lately? Who was that guy [Jamesen] I used to talk art with? What is he doing these days? Have I heard from Kilroy lately? I began to wonder if she was quizzing me for Draven. She does tell him evereything--little sis to big brother. Did he ask her to ask me? Was he worrying that I was seeing someone else? Was he seeing someone and was she trying to break it to me gently? Were my hormones in a dither and making me paranoid for no good reason?

Tuesday got crazy so I didn't get to talk to Draven in the morning. You know a half a year ago I would have heard from him 10 times a day. A year and a half ago I heard from him once or twice a week. Where we are now--chat once a day, an email here and there, in-world for a bit every other night or so--really does seem to be a balance point. So why am I so greedy for more of his time. For more of him? Selfish woman. Well, I thought, we have a date for a long romantic evening Wednesday night. We will talk about all this, and laugh at my foolishness, and it will be all better.

Now here I am Wednesday, I've put on a pretty dress, and I am sipping tea in Jhai's shuttle waiting for him. But haven't heard from him. He was supposed to be here at 5pm or so, and it is going on 9pm. He was on the road in RL today. I can't help feeling something has happened. He wouldn't stand me up, would he? He'd IM if something happened and he couldn't make it wouldn't he?

Where are you, my heart, when I need you to talk to me?

Song du Jour: "White Flag" by Dido

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder.

I cause nothing but trouble...
you live by the rules...

And when we meet
I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still...

...I'm in love and always will be.

Song for a Second Life Thursday: "U Want Me 2" by Sarah McLachlan

This is a hauntingly beautiful song.

The two things that caught my attention are the title, which is in chat speak, and the phrase in the lyrics that speaks of "Our eden . . . A made-up story to fit the picture-perfect world." Sounds like Second Life to me.

Wonderland: Virtual Adultery and Cyberspace Love (Part 1)

So tell me, gang, how many of you think cybersex is cheating?

Song du jour: "Possession" by Sarah McLachlan

A song for my Obsession....

Where Am I Going, Where Have I Been?

It's been a while since I have blogged seriously in here. Why? RL! You know the way that real life has of getting in the way of a perfectly good second life? Mine has been doing that in spades this spring. Between classes and school, job and health issues, upheavals and changing residences, well, I fear I have had little time for the more fun aspects of being a courtesan.

To top it off, not only has real life been changing too fast for me, but so has my SL. What has been keeping me too busy there to blog? Well, having just passed my rez-day, I can say there have been a lot of changes in SL for me over the last year. Made new friends, changed jobs (no more Lotus Moon or Purfect Droom, but still can be found at Blue Noise and Escort Island), changed my look to a more photo realistic skin, bought land and now have a home (3rd incarnation thereof!) in Valis & I share it with our (yes, I said "our") small family there, and . . . brace yourselves . . . I have fallen in love.

Yes, my SL has over the last year taken a turn for the serious as well. All good mind you. . . Remember way back around a year ago when I said my life had wandered off on a tangent? Well, that was one life changing tangent . . . . The man in question is still here one year later, still together. And, lo, I find care even more deeply for him today than I thought was possible back then.

How does a fun flirtation turn into an earth-shattering romance? Is really possible to find real love in SL? I mean love that lasts and stays? I have seen couples--SL partnerships, or marriages if you will--come and go. Some in months, some in weeks, some in only a matter of days. Me, I swore I would never be tied down. Thought that whole partnership thing was a dumb idea. And yet here I am having given up all other SL lovers for the one man who makes me happy in my second life.

Want to see what the last year has been like? Here's a little video of us over the last year, a celebration of who we were and who we are now. Don't know where we are going. Don't know if we'll ever be able to balance RL and SL. Don't know what comes next, but this sure feels like forever. . . . Just gonna keep dancing my way through SL.

A Song for an evening of reminiscing: Bob Dylan's "I Want You"

Just 'cause I want you, too...

Song du Jour: "She Will Be Loved" by Maroon

Have you ever loved more han one woman? Or more than one man?

a Song for a Thursday: "Catch the Wind" by Donovan

In the chilly hours and minutes,
Of uncertainty, I want to be,
In the warm hold of your loving mind.

To feel you all around me,
And to take your hand, along the sand,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.

When sundown pales the sky,
I wanna hide a while, behind your smile,
And everywhere I'd look, your eyes I'd find.

For me to love you now,
Would be the sweetest thing, 'twould make me sing,
Ah, but I may as well, try and catch the wind.

When rain has hung the leaves with tears,
I want you near, to kill my fears
To help me to leave all my blues behind.

For standin' in your heart,
Is where I want to be, and I long to be,
Ah, but I may as well, try and catch the wind.

Quote of the Day: Edmond de Goncourt

"Today I begin to understand what love must be, if it exists . . . . When we are parted, we each feel the lack of the other half of ourselves. We are incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost. That is what I imagine love to be: incompleteness in absence." Edmond de Goncourt (1822-96)

Chanson pour lundi: "Mea Culpa" by Enigma

. . . I want to go to the end of my fantasies
I know it is forbidden
I am crazy.
I am letting myself go
I'm guilty
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
I am here and somewhere else
I have nothing more
I am becoming crazy
I am letting myself go
I'm guilty
I can't sleep anymore
I want you
Take me
I'm yours