When I need you to talk to me...

It has been a rough week. You know those days when everything just feels off? And you start making the little circles in your head . . . he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

I know Draven has been really busy. RL gets in our way so much these days. Sometimes he says, "We are in a good place." Which to me means he is comfortable with us just as we are. Why then do I feel like he's farther away than he used to be? For a fairly tough cookie I can be bloody insecure.

I wanted to talk to him about it Monday, but he wasn't there, only Wren was in-world. She had twenty questions for me: what was new with Rhi? Had I seen Seth lately? Who was that guy [Jamesen] I used to talk art with? What is he doing these days? Have I heard from Kilroy lately? I began to wonder if she was quizzing me for Draven. She does tell him evereything--little sis to big brother. Did he ask her to ask me? Was he worrying that I was seeing someone else? Was he seeing someone and was she trying to break it to me gently? Were my hormones in a dither and making me paranoid for no good reason?

Tuesday got crazy so I didn't get to talk to Draven in the morning. You know a half a year ago I would have heard from him 10 times a day. A year and a half ago I heard from him once or twice a week. Where we are now--chat once a day, an email here and there, in-world for a bit every other night or so--really does seem to be a balance point. So why am I so greedy for more of his time. For more of him? Selfish woman. Well, I thought, we have a date for a long romantic evening Wednesday night. We will talk about all this, and laugh at my foolishness, and it will be all better.

Now here I am Wednesday, I've put on a pretty dress, and I am sipping tea in Jhai's shuttle waiting for him. But haven't heard from him. He was supposed to be here at 5pm or so, and it is going on 9pm. He was on the road in RL today. I can't help feeling something has happened. He wouldn't stand me up, would he? He'd IM if something happened and he couldn't make it wouldn't he?

Where are you, my heart, when I need you to talk to me?

Times and Tides of SL Romance

So this evening as I was hanging out in Draven's Airship just hoping for him to pop on, my sister Jhai showed up. We sat and chatted, compared RL notes, talked about work a bit, what I have been writing, what she has been up to (she has a poem in a new anthology just published this month--you go girl!). I was just telling her my latest story of dancing with Draven in Steelhead in the ballroom when Jinara stomped in all upset. "Men. I hate Men! They are never there when you want them. Never around unless they want something from you!" She threw herself onto the couch between Jhai and I.

I could see Jhai rolling her eyes, but I asked what the problem was anyway and Jinara launched into a diatribe about Hawk. It seems she has been IMing Hawk again with no response. I don't know if I've told you all about Hawk. He is quite the man of mystery. Big, bad, and biker looking kind of guy, doesn't say much, but, oh my, what a hottie. Tall, dark, eye candy!

Hawk joined our little clan together with Heron, a tall leggy blonde (well to be honest we Serendipity girls are all blonde except for Wren who is in a goth phase right now) who has attitude in spades. Now Heron may be Hawk's GF, or wife, or ex-lover, or sister, or something else entirely to him. No one seems to know but those two and they aren't telling. All I know is that that they were together a lot, and they do seem to know each other in RL as well as in SL. Of late, though, Heron has been hanging out in Club Vicious and Hawk has been taking Jinara out. Well, when he is inworld that is, which isn't often at all. Hence Jinara's pique.

Jhai, as usual, launched into her Mommy-mode and immediately began telling Jinara how she didn't need a man to make her complete. How the world doesn't revolve around sex, not what Jinara wanted to hear at all. "I love him," she wailed, "I want him so much, but he is never here when I am! I don't think he loves me as much as I love him!"

Now I have been through several men already with my friend Jinara. First it was Malcolm, but she doesn't talk about him much anymore, and in fact none of us have seen him on in months. Then it was my own Draven she had a crush on, but he treated her like a kid sister. And there were brief flirtations with a guy named Jordan, and the DJ, Hotflash, at Blue Noise. Now it is Hawk. But is it really true love this time for her?

"You have to have some faith in your man, Sweetie," I told her, "I am sure Hawk cares for you." I tried to explain that the thing about SL is that it really is--and it has to be--secondary to our various realities. I paused to look at the clock and realized how late it had gotten and that I would not be seeing my Draven either that evening. Still I wanted to be supportive of Jinara so I said, "I am sure Hawk has just been really busy. I am sure he'd be here for you if he could be."

"No! That's just it! He was here. I've been messaging him and messaging him. And then he came on when I was AFK and when I didn't answer he left again! It is just not fair," she cried, "Why don't I ever get a break in love!"

Jhai laughed out loud at that one and I shot her a look hoping she'd get the clue that this was not funny to Jinara. "Kid," Jhai said, "It is all just the turn of the wheel. One day the universe spins all your way, the next it smacks you in the face and dumps you on your ass. You just gotta pick yourself up and move on. Send him another message. If he gets it and if he feels the same way about you that you do about him, he'll be back . . . eventually." Jhai stood up and left then, telling us she had to get out of this den of raging hormones and that we should both try to "focus for once on something other than men, for heaven's sake!"

I just shook my head. I was thinking of all the couples in SL who think that they have found true love, but then give up on it in a matter of weeks, or even days. I thought about Draven and I who have been together almost 18 months now. Will we last? Can an SL only relationship really stand the test of time. I heard Jinara say it again, "I love him so much! I really, really need him!" I know just how she feels. But I told her I was calling it a night, and I left her there. To be honest I didn't want to think about how often our connections in the virtual world are messed up by the real world getting in our way. I left her sitting in the growing dark. Waiting and hoping that the man she wants so much to be with will return to her if she is just patient enough, for long enough. I sure hope he does. I hope it for both of us.

Of Being Birds and Designing Dresses

So Draven has been designing again. He has a new dress series called "Dove." Dove came out of a conversation about a tag Jinara picked for herself in our group. See we sort of accidentally developed this bird name thing.

The bird tags came about because Draven's shop is called Bird of Prey, and back when he started building he made a tag for himself to go along with that: "Black Crow." This is appropriate in many ways for him--he always wears black, his SL name comes from the movie The Crow, and like the ravens that sat on Odin's shoulders he is always quietly observant, collecting information about the world around. He gave me the nickname "White Crane" because of the Decemberists song "The Crane Wife," which, he said, made him think of me. I liked that since my name, Tsai, means white or pale, and because the crane is a symbol in Asian folklore for wisdom, virtue, and longevity. One Japanese tradition also says if you fold 1000 origami cranes your wish will come true. That also seems right to me as I'd like to think I've made a lot of men's wishes come true (wink!) in my day.

When Wren joined us in SL (or maybe I should say when Draven turned her on to SL) she picked her bird name purposely to match her brother's; her tag is "Dark Bird," very appropriate for my lover's goth-chick little sister. My own sister, Jhai, joined us not long after and she picked the tag "Silent Swan" (she's had a thing for swans ever since Mom put a swan on the cake for her sixth birthday, though Jhai is anything but silent!).

Up to that point Jinara had just worn the standard member tag in our group: "Balance Seeker." In fact it was Jinara who started the group, so she was rather opposed at first to the "bird trend" as she called it. But then a couple months ago some of us were sitting around the table in the dining room, Jhai and Draven with coffee cups in their hands while I was sipping green tea, when in strolled Jinara wearing a tag that read: "Soiled Dove."

Jhai nearly snorted her coffee through her nose. "OMG!" she said to Jinara, "Do you have any idea what a 'soiled' dove is?"

"I dunno. A pigeon maybe?" Jinara mumbled, looking puzzled, "I just heard it somewhere and kinda liked it."

"Oh, my dear girl, you just labeled yourself as a 'lady of the evening'!" replied Jhai, who was still chuckling as she (ever the teacher) explained it to a mortified Jinara, and a highly amused Draven and I.

It seems that in the 18th and 19th centuries the term "soiled dove" was applied in particular to gentlewomen (doves) who had fallen from some higher social strata into prostitution (thus soiled) by a need to support themselves after having been wronged and/or deserted by men. In fact, in one famous speech called the soiled dove plea, an attorney in 1889 convinced an all-male jury to acquit a woman facing prostitution charges by arguing that women were not to be blamed, but that it was instead men who should take the blame for the prostitution into which some women are forced.

I thought it was pretty funny that Jinara, who has been a dancer and a stripper but never an escort, should label herself as one inadvertently; while I, who have taken pay for my "services," was labeled as a crane, a sign of purity. No wonder Jhai found it hilarious!

I could see Draven's wheels turning as Jhai told the story, and I was right. Pretty soon he had the dress all planned out. Imagine the girl headed west to find the lover who has gone off to war--but he is not to be found. Her once beautiful best dress is eventually worn to shreds as she runs out of money and hope, and finally, in desperation, she turns to a life of prostitution to feed herself.

Draven built the dress with multiple looks. There is the pure white version, the white underdress with a softly dove-colored overdress, and then he made the same dresses in torn, tattered, and soiled fabrics. Both also come in long and short skirt versions.


This is me wearing the pure white Dove, and below I am wearing it with the overdress while standing to the left of Jinara who is wearing the Soiled Dove overdress version.

Funny thing about that tag "Soiled Dove" is that despite its connotations, Jinara (who is still young enough to disapprove of selling sex, of the SL escort business, with all the moral certainty of youth) is the one still wearing it.

Moving On Up!

I haven't been writing much of late because I have been incredibly busy in both RL and SL. In RL it was back to school time, and in SL I have also been learning...to build! It all started with Draven's fascination with airships. See in Valis we kept getting weirder and weirder neighbors. First there was a giant ugly box of a castle with neighbors that had a loud obnoxious trivia game broadcasting day and night. Then they sold to a strip club with loud misspelled-text promotional ads that were broadcasting (you got it) day and night. That was always empty, so it sold to a couple who turned it into a large ugly purple club with loud gambling machines. To the other side of us is a really ugly house with big signs advertising a store. For a while now the only amusing thing about the neighbors has been guessing how long till they fold and move on and what ugly thing will turn up next! So Draven proposed we take down the Villa we'd been living in, and live in the airship high above all the chaos below.

Now we share space with several folks (it gets us a bigger space and larger tier). There is my older sister, Jhai; Draven's younger sister, Wren; my friend, Jinara (the group was actually her idea); her first SL boyfriend, Malcolm; Wren's friends, Hawk and Heron (We got this group bird title thing going, and Wren met them while camping when they all looked at each other's names); Dabrin, who is a friend/RL colleague of Draven's; and our most recent addition, Japhrimel, a friend and student of Jhai's who I think of as our younger brother.

But if we were going to move up into the sky what did that mean for our friends? One big family meeting later (well, really it all us girls, Japh, and Draven, since Hawk didn't care and Mal and Dabrin are never around much anymore) we decided to move all of us up into the sky. First we placed Draven's airship, the "Nereide."


Then Jhai bought a second airship, the "Selene."

And Draven rezzed a copy of the ship he'd built for Jhai's SL workplace, a green glass blimp I promptly christened the "Vitreaux."

I had a grotto with a pool and a waterfall (by Juanita Deharo), so I built a big flying hunk of concrete to place it on. It has wind chimes, a Straylight tree, an Isle of Mists waterlily that opens and closes with the sun, and 2 lily pads Jhai found that we can float on. Inside the grotto are candles, a small waterfall and pool, and a grassy place that will be just right for Draven's Kamasutra rug (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). Draven's Rustica furniture and the lovely claw-footed tub he made (for one or two!) also needed a place to be, so I built a large flying rock garden. I took a large, rocky, sculpted megaprim and made an edging of boulders from the library by matching the textures, added a grassy patch Draven had made (for our old yard below), flowers, trees, and then linked the whole thing.

I am particularly proud of the L-shaped bridge that links the Grotto and the Flying Rock because I built that all by myself. The base of it is 2 prims with mahogany planking texture, but nowhere could I find an iron railing texture. Then I remembered a freebie iron-topped table I had in inventory--I took it apart and used the texture on the transparent prim that was the table surface, and stretched it out with the texture repeating for the rail (thank you, oh unknown builder, for your lovely table!). It took a bit of finagling to get it all to line up so I could link it, but one thing I have learned from Draven is not to give up. When you are frustrated, walk away and come back later. It will be a better build if you do.

Jhai and Wren popped in from time to time to give me advice, and Draven came by to check up on me and teach me a new trick here or there, but mostly I just arranged and rearranged all by myself. I've placed our Intan couples dance balls everywhere, and a Bits and Bobs kiss or two around for Draven and I (or for Jinara and her next mad crush). I can't wait to see Draven tonight and show him around. I got him a present too, a murder of crows from WaterMoon Breeze to fly around his ship and the shop below.
Oh, yes, down below Draven rebuilt the villa as the main store for Bird of Prey Designs. Come by and see his dresses and Steampunk gear, stay tuned for more of his furniture builds, and if you want an airship skybox of your own, just IM him--I am certain he'd build you one, too.