Recap...

It has been a while so I thought I ought to log in and catch you up on what this girl has been up to. First a bit of a recap....

My RL life took a turn for the weird this year... and for stress relief I have found myself in SL
more of late. Now here's the thing: I have been role playing in SL for a while. First it was Firefly sims with "D", then Startrek sims with my friend Mandy. And if you've been keeping up you know I began playing in Gor this year.

The whole Gor thing started as an accident. Sort of. my first few weeks in SL I fell in love--they call it the SL effect--had a torrid affair in SL. Three years worth. When he dumped me, I was broken. Then I thought maybe we could be friends, and for a while we were. Sort of. Back just before he told me to go away, he was building in Gor and roleplaying there. I admit my first interest in Gor was hoping to bump into him. Maybe. See if he was there. But he never was. Sadly, I will always mourn the loss of his friendship. I still think of him; I suspect I will for the rest of my life. But life goes on. This summer I decided to try the Gor thing in earnest.

I began my SL career seven years ago as a "courtesan." In Firefly I played a "licensed companion." In Star Trek an Orion Slave Girl (it's not easy being green!). I like flirting and men with intelligence. Men who can hold a conversation. Men with imagination, and a sense of humor. (I also blame D for spoiling me there. He set the bar rather high!)  What being in Gor has taught me is that in my heart of hearts, I am a submissive. I like playing the role of "slave." It also taught me that I am very very picky about "Masters."

I tried being a city slave girl in a couple of Gorean sims. Not so much fun.  Most of the time the men are busy running around raiding or being raided, the free women are hiding in the basements when they are not belittling the slaves, and the slaves keep scrubbing the floors waiting for the fireworks to end so they can go back to pouring wine. No one talks to or flirts with slaves. It is all "come here slut/beast and do X."

In July I took one man's collar. That turned out badly. While collared to that Master I met a Jarl who told me he would claim me someday. I've been chatting with him off and on in IM since (and I like the conversations), but I haven't seen him since day one although he is online every time I log in. How long does a girl wait to be claimed? In the Gor Hub I met another Master who was interesting and we talked about the philosophy of being a slave/sub in RL. But he wants a slave in RL as well as SL, has a bunch of girls who fly across the country to be with him for days at a time in RL. Nice guy, but I am NOT into that.

So now I am between Masters. Hanging out in the Gor Hub. Hoping for... Hmmm... I don't know what I am hoping for....

Song du Jour: Someone Like You - Adele

Song du jour: Something for a grey day...

"False Alarm" K.T. Tunstall

I'm trying to put this thing to bed
I've drugged it in its sleep
There aren't many memories
I'm comfortable to keep

This ball keeps rolling on
It's heading for the streets
Keep expecting you to send for me
The invitation never comes

Each time I turn around
There's nothing there at all
So tell me why I feel like I'm up against a wall
But maybe it's a false alarm
Every answer sounds the same
Just colours bleeding into one
That hasn't got a name
Maybe I can't see
Maybe it's just me

Now the curtain's coming up
The audience is still
I'm struggling to cater for
The space I'm meant to fill

And distance doesn't care
No, distance doesn't care

Each time I turn around
There's nothing there at all
So tell me why I feel like I'm up against a wall
But maybe it's a false alarm
Every answer sounds the same
Just colours bleeding into one
That hasn't got a name
Maybe I can't see
Maybe it's just me

I'm trying to put this thing to bed
I drugged it in its sleep
Remember what you said
Are you comfortable to keep it?

Keep it.

Today's Song: "Fallin'" by Alicia Keys

A musical present for a man who will probably never see it, who never looks here, who has been gone now for as long as he was here. I keep trying to walk away from from him, from the memories, but I still think of him every single day, I will miss him t we had every day for the rest of my life.

It has been a long time...

Haven't felt like blogging much of late. April was a rough month in RL. Way too many funerals. Early May just reminded me of all I have lost in SL and in RL. I turned 4 years old in SL on May 13th. Four years ago at this time I met a man in Second Life. Falling in love with him was one of the most intense and beautiful things I have ever experienced.

 Our "anniversary" is coming up this week. I loved him. Still love him. We had an amazing couple of years together, but our SL spilled over into our RL and he left me. I still am not sure what went wrong. We tried being friends instead of lovers, but he has drifted farther and farther away and now I never hear from him anymore. I still think of him every day. And every single time I think of him I still feel the cold empty ache of that loss.

Mostly that's why I have not been in SL and why I have not been blogging.

As he used to say: It is what it is.

My poetry choice for today... and for D

If My Voice Is Not Reaching  You
by Afzal Ahmed Syed
If my voice is not reaching you      add to it the echo—      echo of ancient epics      And to that—      a princess      And to the princess—your beauty      And to your beauty—      a lover's heart      And in the lover's heart      a dagger

from Poets.org

Quote du Jour: from "Epilogue" by Mark Tredinnick

    There will come
         a morning             
 I don’t wake and think first of you. 
                             But that day can wait.


See the entire poem here at Terrain.org. 

A poem for a Lost Love

When We Two Parted
by George Gordon Byron
When we two parted In silence and tears, Half broken-hearted To sever for years, Pale grew thy cheek and cold, Colder thy kiss; Truly that hour foretold Sorrow to this. The dew of the morning Sunk chill on my brow-- It felt like the warning Of what I feel now. Thy vows are all broken, And light is thy fame; I hear thy name spoken, And share in its shame. They name thee before me, A knell to mine ear; A shudder comes o'er me-- Why wert thou so dear? They know not I knew thee, Who knew thee too well-- Long, long shall I rue thee, Too deeply to tell. In secret we met-- In silence I grieve, That thy heart could forget, Thy spirit deceive. If I should meet thee After long years, How should I greet thee?-- With silence and tears.

--shamelessly stolen borrowed from www.poets.org
(check out all their Valentine's Day poems at: Love Poems

Song for a New Year: "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele

The scars of your love, remind me of us.
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling...

We could have had it all....

Sad Song for a Sunday: "Calypso" Suzanne Vega

My name is Calypso
And I have lived alone
I live on an island
And I waken to the dawn
A long time ago
I watched him struggle with the sea
I knew that he was drowning
And I brought him into me
Now today
Come morning light
He sails away
After one last night
I let him go.

My name is Calypso
My garden overflows
Thick and wild and hidden
Is the sweetness there that grows
My hair it blows long
As I sing into the wind
My name is Calypso
And I have lived alone
I live on an island
I tell of nights
Where I could taste the salt on his skin

Salt of the waves
And of tears
And though he,pulled away
I kept him here for years
I let him go

My name is Calypso
I have let him go
In the dawn he sails away
To be gone forever more
And the waves will take him in again
But he'll know their ways now
I will stand upon the shore
With a clean heart

And my song in the wind
The sand will sting my feet
And the sky will burn
It's a lonely time ahead
I do not ask him to return
I let him go
I let him go 

Sunday's song: "Bring On The Wonder" ~ Susan Enan

Song du Jour: "Undo it" Carrie Underwood

This song is for Silver. Keep singing this, Baby, & it will be all right. 


I should've known by the way you passed me by
There was something in your eyes and it wasn't right
I should've walked, but I never had the chance
Everything got out of hand, and I let it slide

Now I only have myself to blame
For falling for your stupid games
I wish my life could be the way
It was before I saw your face

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely, and took me for a ride
And I wanna undo it

You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna undo it

Now your photos don't have a picture frame
And I never say your name, and I never will
And all your things, well, I threw them in the trash
And I'm not even sad

Now you only have yourself to blame
For playing all those stupid games
You're always going to be the same
Oh no, you'll never change

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely, and took me for a ride
And I wanna undo it

You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna undo it

You want my future, you can't have it
I'm still trying to erase you from my past
I need you gone so fast

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely, and took me for a ride
And I wanna undo it

You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna undo it

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely, and took me for a ride
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna undo it

Knowing When to Walk Away

A long time ago a friend told me that I try so hard to pour oil on troubled waters that I end up polluting them. Something in me always seems to wants to fix all the broken things. Make all my friends happy. Make the ones I love love me back. Please everyone and at the same time be pleased by everyone. Balance my RL with my SL. I guess there has to come a point where you finally say to yourself this is just too broken to put it back together. 

Sometimes I suspect I spend too much time trying too hard to recapture a moment that is lost rather than making a new moment. Sometimes it is someone else who has so many filters that he only hears and sees what he expects to see. I think I did that pollution thing again today. I shouldn't have talked to him. I should have let it be. I keep coming back to try to start over and all I do is rip the scab off the wounds I thought were healed--both mine and his it seems. 

Sometimes I wish I knew why this one broken thing is so important to me. Sometimes I wish I didn't care. I guess I have finally come to the point where I know I have no choice but to let go.  

He would say I am seeing only black and white--stay or go. But what other option is there? The fact is, he always played his cards so close to the chest I don't know what the best path is. I had no clues so I always blundered about believing the best. And I seem to have hurt him, been hurting him, keep hurting him. Could I hurt him so much if he didn't care at all for me? The dumb thing is I don't even know, I truly do not know what it is I do that he calls drama and emotion. 

Two weeks ago I said hello I wasn't angry, wasn't emotional. A little sad, a little hopeful. But not expecting anything. Just wanting to tell him I still care. Not asking him to take me back. Just wanted to say I hoped he was well and happy. Do I say to much? Wear my heart on my sleeve? Probably. He brought up the things I said last month. I wanted to clear it up. I should have said nothing. Should have walked away and let it go. How did my being hurt by his new relationship cause him so much anger? If he doesn't care for me, should he even give a damn what I think? If he does still care for me, shouldn't he want to talk? To meet halfway and find a place we can at least be friends? All I ever wanted to do was to make him happy. All we ever do any more is hurt each other. 

He used to call us star-crossed lovers. But then he dumped me. Nearly a year ago he walked away, said it was too much and he had no time for SL and that he didn't want me any more because I was messing up his RL, and RL was too important. Okay. I can buy that. RL has to come first. Hell, I came close to trashing my RL because of the intensity of my feelings for him. I needed to refocus, too. I have been putting that back together, slowly, only because my RL love has also made an effort. But then that's what RL is about. Being real to each other. 

So how dumb am I for chasing a man in SL who won't talk to me, won't listen to me, doesn't believe me, and clearly doesn't want me?  

I have spent the last year wandering lost. Thinking about him a dozen times a day and learning how not to cry. And then still crying. Pouring over old emails and chats and pictures. Getting my hopes up on the rare occasions he spoke to me or was friendly. Falling apart when he smacked me down and was cold. Trying to find my footing in SL again without him. Half a dozen times I have thought about deleting this avatar. About starting over. I threw myself at other men, but in the end no one else was him. I made new friends, good friends, friends who were a distraction. I went dancing, flirted, had fun. But never could get him out of my mind. Never got him out of my heart. I still looked for him online. Me still being Stalker Chick. 

You know what is funny? The first year he loved it when I blogged about him. The second year he said I was putting pressure on him. In the end he said he hated my blog--I deleted it, then I resurrected most of it but took all mention of him out. I still can't bring myself to say his name here. And yet I can't stop thinking, and writing, about him. 


Last night I did it again. Sent him another email that he will not respond to. How dumb am I?

Song du Jour: Damien Rice: "Delicate"

We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate

So why'd you fill my sorrows
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why'd ya sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?

We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate

So why'd you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place that you've known
And why'd you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?

And why'd you fill my sorrows
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place that you've known
Why'd you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?

A song for Tuesday: Broken Bells "The High Road"

We're bound to wait all night
She's bound to run amok
Invested enough in it anyhow
To each his own
The garden needs sorting out
She curls her lips on the bow
And I don't know if i'm dead or not
To anyone

Come on and get the minimum
Before you open up your eyes
This army has so many heads
to analyze
Come on and get your overdose
Collect it at the borderline
And they want to get up in your head

Cause they know, and so do I
The high road is hard to find
A detour to your new life
Tell all of your friends goodbye

The dawn to end all nights
That's all we hoped it was
A break form the warfare in your house
To each his own
The soldier is bailing out
He curled his lips on a barrel
And I don't know if the dead can talk
To anyone

Come on and get the minimum
Before you open up your eyes
This army has so many hands
are you one of us?
Come on and get your overdose
Collect it at the borderline
And they want to get up in your head

Cause they know, and so do I
The high road is hard to find
A detour to your new life
Tell all of your friends goodbye

It's too late to change your mind
You let loss be your guide