Friday, July 17, 2009

When I need you to talk to me...

It has been a rough week. You know those days when everything just feels off? And you start making the little circles in your head . . . he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

I know Draven has been really busy. RL gets in our way so much these days. Sometimes he says, "We are in a good place." Which to me means he is comfortable with us just as we are. Why then do I feel like he's farther away than he used to be? For a fairly tough cookie I can be bloody insecure.

I wanted to talk to him about it Monday, but he wasn't there, only Wren was in-world. She had twenty questions for me: what was new with Rhi? Had I seen Seth lately? Who was that guy [Jamesen] I used to talk art with? What is he doing these days? Have I heard from Kilroy lately? I began to wonder if she was quizzing me for Draven. She does tell him evereything--little sis to big brother. Did he ask her to ask me? Was he worrying that I was seeing someone else? Was he seeing someone and was she trying to break it to me gently? Were my hormones in a dither and making me paranoid for no good reason?

Tuesday got crazy so I didn't get to talk to Draven in the morning. You know a half a year ago I would have heard from him 10 times a day. A year and a half ago I heard from him once or twice a week. Where we are now--chat once a day, an email here and there, in-world for a bit every other night or so--really does seem to be a balance point. So why am I so greedy for more of his time. For more of him? Selfish woman. Well, I thought, we have a date for a long romantic evening Wednesday night. We will talk about all this, and laugh at my foolishness, and it will be all better.

Now here I am Wednesday, I've put on a pretty dress, and I am sipping tea in Jhai's shuttle waiting for him. But haven't heard from him. He was supposed to be here at 5pm or so, and it is going on 9pm. He was on the road in RL today. I can't help feeling something has happened. He wouldn't stand me up, would he? He'd IM if something happened and he couldn't make it wouldn't he?

Where are you, my heart, when I need you to talk to me?

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