Someone I know with an SL girlfriend and an RL wife once told me his teenage daughter called Second Life, that "Second Wife" game her dad plays. Here's the thing, many people head into Second Life never intending to fall into a romantic relationship with someone on the other end of a keyboard. Is it bad / wrong / cheating to act on real emotions virtually? Is it wrong to have real emotional attachments if you have RL commitments? Why can't we love more than one person?
Today someone else sent me another article discussing the Virtual relationships vs Physical relationships controversy. This one comes from a website called "DontDateHimGirl.com" (seriously!).
It asks: Is Your Guy Cheating On You With His E-Wife? And here is what they had to say:
What's an e-wife, you ask? She's a woman your guy meets online, has a full-blown cyber-relationship with, but never meets her in person.
A DDHG member asked us to help her get her man to dump her [the e-wife] and get back to his relationship in the real-world. Here's what the Average Guy had to say!
Q. Dear DDHG,
I have a major problem. I have been with my husband for six years. I just found out that he has a woman that he's "married" to in cyberspace. It's the craziest thing.
She's already married but calls herself his e-wife and manages his schedule. They have a cyber bank account together and he has dinner with her on the computer every night where they chat back and forth about their day, etc. I was floored! I have never seen anything like this. I am hurt and confused.
When I confronted him about it, he just said it was harmless and that I didn't need to worry. He said he's not cheating on me because he's not having sex with her and he's never met her in person.
Because he doesn't see it as a big deal, he's not doing anything to end the relationship with his e-wife. Please help! I really need some advice and I always turn to DDHG when I've got relationship problems. Thank you!!!
A. Wow! This is one heck of a story, but it's not uncommon. The e-wife phenomenon is gaining steam all over the world. Whether they are married or in relationships, men forge new entanglements with women in cyberspace. They rationalize it by telling themselves that since they're not physically touching the person or talking to them on the phone it's fine. Of course, their real-life partners never see it that way!
What you need to do is tell your guy in no uncertain terms that he can only have one woman in your life. While he's instant messaging his way through dinner with his e-wife, he could be having a romantic dinner with you. Tell him how uncomfortable it makes you feel to know that he is sharing the intimate details of his life with another woman.
Ask him how he would feel if you were doing the same thing. Most likely, he will get how much this hurts you and divorce his e-wife. If not, the choice is yours whether or not to leave the relationship. You deserve a guy who's not going to play around on you in real-life or in cyberspace.
-- The Average Guy
I have two things to point out to RL wife here: (1) face the fact that your man is seriously attracted to something this other woman gives him, probably something that is lacking in your RL relationship; and (2) he is still with you and is not planning on leaving you is he? His being able to get it (whatever it is he gets from the e-wife--support, attention, sex, plain old conversation) in cyber-space gives him a reason to stay with you.
Here's the thing. People leave their real spouses everyday for other people they meet, fall in love with, and want a closer connection to. Yes, your guy is having his cake and eating it as well, but hey, he's still sleeping in your bed isn't he? If this "e-wife" were not there, would he be out looking for another woman in real life? What is he getting from her that he is not getting from you? Any RL girlfriend would have tried to talk him into leaving you by now. Maybe this in not a bad thing, but a safe solution.
It takes two to make a relationship work, RL or SL. Don't whine and make demands on him. You really want to draw him away from his cyber girlfriend? Then put on a sexy nighty and seduce his ass. Chances are really good the reason he is getting it in cyber-space is because you aren't giving it out at home. And the fact that your man is only doing it in cyber-space rather than picking up chicks in the bar down the street is proof that he cares for you and doesn't want to leave you. So cut him some slack.
I talk to guys in SL all the time who are not getting laid at home. Wife is too tired, kids are underfoot, a dozen reasons why there is no time for sex, or conversation, or the things that make a relationship special. But those are just the things that are necessary for the love to stay alive, for the passion to keep burning.
So he goes into cyber-space and gets his jollies. So what? He is still with you. If the other woman is also in an RL relationship chances are damn good she is not going to hop a plane or train and beat feet to come take your man away. And maybe the candy on the side can teach him a few tricks for pleasing you better, too. In any case he is happier and he is home. You push him and you may find yourself left in the dust while he heads out to find the woman who is not forcing him to make a choice. Remember Dutch! His RL wife had a hissy and pushed it, and he left her and married the cyber GF.
Now maybe it is me, or maybe it is because I just don't "get" monogamy. I have a SL cyber-lover and an RL man, too, but I just don't see why you can't love more than one person. It takes some juggling and balancing, sure, but in the end loving, being loved by more than one person . . . well let me just say that I am a very happy woman right now and don't plan on changing anything.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Trying to Listen to What the Universe is Saying
Do you ever wonder if the universe is trying to tell you something?
Seems like lately my secondlife is taking a back seat to everyone else's real lives. All right I hear you saying that it has been a holiday season and all. And maybe it is just because the RL holiday was incredibly painful this year (and no, I am not going into that!). But just now when I have the time finally to play in SL, no one else does! What is up with that?
Jinara is off somewhere (no doubt pouting over another man now that Hawk has gone MIA--not seen since November), and most everyone else in the family seems to be MIA, too. Jhai keeps complaining that she is way behind on her RL work and so can only come on briefly. Japh got his heartbroken by Wren, then chased Jinara around a bit but said she felt too much like his baby sister, and I haven't seen him since before way before Christmas. Ash and Wulf (new members of our SL family, also new to SL) only have eyes for each other. Heron flashes past now and again, but is always on her way to go camping or shopping. Haven't seen Dabrin, Mal, or Wren in ages! And then there is Draven. Of late even Draven hasn't had much time to play in SL, since he is incredibly busy with RL.
As people come and go in SL I remember those who haven't see ages. I miss long evenings exploring, walks on the beach in Purfect Droom, dancing in Blue Noise or Lotus Moon, cuddling in Valis.
Purfect Droom is gone now. Blue Noise is empty. Under new management since Rhiannon ran off with that Australian DJ Neo. Katieh, the new manager, hasn't done much more than rebuild, no grand reopening yet and when I stop by the place is deader than dead.
I used to go dancing, used to flirt, tease, I was the party girl. When I look back over nearly 2 years that I have been in SL I see that I have gone from being the bad girl to being a very domestic stay at home girl.
So why is it that when my friends are not around, the universe keeps throwing other opportunities in my face? Suddenly I have been hearing from men I used to keep company with. Don't get me wrong, no one has thrown themselves into my lap and begged for my attention. They just pop up and say "Hi." People on my friends list that I haven't seen in ages.
Like my old boss from Lotus Moon. The one who was always trying to talk us girls into the back room for a quickie where his wife couldn't see. And "blacktrenchcoatman" (names will be changed to protect the guilty) who always came into BN and wanted to tickle or lick me [Note to my male readers: saying "lick" or "tickle" is not the equivilent of saying hello!] And Mr.Mystic who offers to teach you the secrets of the enlightenment--in his bed. And good old Mr.Wrong, who although he is better than he was since he got a regular girlfriend, still starts most conversations by asking for a blow job. And let us not forget the guy who made an avatar just for me so we could (Ha! He wished!) have sex without him "cheating" on his SL partner.
Why just now when I am feeling lonely are all these guys turning up again?
And here's the thing. I don't know whether or not to be insulted that the universe is putting men in my path I don't even want. Do the Powers That Be think I am so easy? Or do they think I have no taste? Or are they protecting me by sending men I won't be tempted by? It is not that I don't have men in my life that I can't hang with and have fun. I love talking literature with Jamesen, or going to art shows and clubs with Corwyn. But as much as I care about both of them, they are not my family like Jinara and Mal, Dabrin and Jhai, Heron and Hawk, Wren, and Draven.
Seems like lately my secondlife is taking a back seat to everyone else's real lives. All right I hear you saying that it has been a holiday season and all. And maybe it is just because the RL holiday was incredibly painful this year (and no, I am not going into that!). But just now when I have the time finally to play in SL, no one else does! What is up with that?
Jinara is off somewhere (no doubt pouting over another man now that Hawk has gone MIA--not seen since November), and most everyone else in the family seems to be MIA, too. Jhai keeps complaining that she is way behind on her RL work and so can only come on briefly. Japh got his heartbroken by Wren, then chased Jinara around a bit but said she felt too much like his baby sister, and I haven't seen him since before way before Christmas. Ash and Wulf (new members of our SL family, also new to SL) only have eyes for each other. Heron flashes past now and again, but is always on her way to go camping or shopping. Haven't seen Dabrin, Mal, or Wren in ages! And then there is Draven. Of late even Draven hasn't had much time to play in SL, since he is incredibly busy with RL.
As people come and go in SL I remember those who haven't see ages. I miss long evenings exploring, walks on the beach in Purfect Droom, dancing in Blue Noise or Lotus Moon, cuddling in Valis.
Purfect Droom is gone now. Blue Noise is empty. Under new management since Rhiannon ran off with that Australian DJ Neo. Katieh, the new manager, hasn't done much more than rebuild, no grand reopening yet and when I stop by the place is deader than dead.
I used to go dancing, used to flirt, tease, I was the party girl. When I look back over nearly 2 years that I have been in SL I see that I have gone from being the bad girl to being a very domestic stay at home girl.
So why is it that when my friends are not around, the universe keeps throwing other opportunities in my face? Suddenly I have been hearing from men I used to keep company with. Don't get me wrong, no one has thrown themselves into my lap and begged for my attention. They just pop up and say "Hi." People on my friends list that I haven't seen in ages.
Like my old boss from Lotus Moon. The one who was always trying to talk us girls into the back room for a quickie where his wife couldn't see. And "blacktrenchcoatman" (names will be changed to protect the guilty) who always came into BN and wanted to tickle or lick me [Note to my male readers: saying "lick" or "tickle" is not the equivilent of saying hello!] And Mr.Mystic who offers to teach you the secrets of the enlightenment--in his bed. And good old Mr.Wrong, who although he is better than he was since he got a regular girlfriend, still starts most conversations by asking for a blow job. And let us not forget the guy who made an avatar just for me so we could (Ha! He wished!) have sex without him "cheating" on his SL partner.
Why just now when I am feeling lonely are all these guys turning up again?
And here's the thing. I don't know whether or not to be insulted that the universe is putting men in my path I don't even want. Do the Powers That Be think I am so easy? Or do they think I have no taste? Or are they protecting me by sending men I won't be tempted by? It is not that I don't have men in my life that I can't hang with and have fun. I love talking literature with Jamesen, or going to art shows and clubs with Corwyn. But as much as I care about both of them, they are not my family like Jinara and Mal, Dabrin and Jhai, Heron and Hawk, Wren, and Draven.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Dancing in the Airship
Originally uploaded by Tsai Dancing in the Airship--a rez-day present to Draven that makes a great hideaway above Valis. (Ship was created by Cara Rossini)
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Places to See in SL: the Garden of NPIRL Delights
It is almost too late, this being the last day for this incredible four sim exhibit of fantastic and surreal builds, but if you get time tonight you must go see The Garden of Not Possible in Real Life Delights in Rezzable (click here for the SURL). Loosely inspired by Hieronymus Bosch the Garden is a masterwork of multiple talented builders come together in one spot to create what the NPIRL Blog calls: ". . . not a routine build festival. In fact, it is the first time that such a large number of mostly well-known and well-regarded artists, architects, and scripters have come together to not only embrace and demonstrate art and architecture and landscaping that is 'not possible in Real Life'or NPIRL, but also to construct it around a theme so surreal that a similar effort could not be duplicated in Real Life."
Here is one small example: Last night Draven found himself in a representation of a Salvador Dali painting there! Here's on the left is the original Dali painting, "Crucifixion (Corpus Hypercubus)."
And below to the right is Draven posing on the build in the Garden (or as he put it: "Irish Catholic boy creates Franco-Celtic persona in virtual world and re-enacts The Crucifixion in a surrealist sort of way.")
Yes, you too can become one with a piece of art--only possible in SL!
So come out and see the Garden tonight, it's your very last chance!
Here is one small example: Last night Draven found himself in a representation of a Salvador Dali painting there! Here's on the left is the original Dali painting, "Crucifixion (Corpus Hypercubus)."
And below to the right is Draven posing on the build in the Garden (or as he put it: "Irish Catholic boy creates Franco-Celtic persona in virtual world and re-enacts The Crucifixion in a surrealist sort of way.")
Yes, you too can become one with a piece of art--only possible in SL!So come out and see the Garden tonight, it's your very last chance!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Where Am I Going, Where Have I Been?
It's been a while since I have blogged seriously in here. Why? RL! You know the way that real life has of getting in the way of a perfectly good second life? Mine has been doing that in spades this spring. Between classes and school, job and health issues, upheavals and changing residences, well, I fear I have had little time for the more fun aspects of being a courtesan.
To top it off, not only has real life been changing too fast for me, but so has my SL. What has been keeping me too busy there to blog? Well, having just passed my rez-day, I can say there have been a lot of changes in SL for me over the last year. Made new friends, changed jobs (no more Lotus Moon or Purfect Droom, but still can be found at Blue Noise and Escort Island), changed my look to a more photo realistic skin, bought land and now have a home (3rd incarnation thereof!) in Valis & I share it with our (yes, I said "our") small family there, and . . . brace yourselves . . . I have fallen in love.
Yes, my SL has over the last year taken a turn for the serious as well. All good mind you. . . Remember way back around a year ago when I said my life had wandered off on a tangent? Well, that was one life changing tangent . . . . The man in question is still here one year later, still together. And, lo, I find care even more deeply for him today than I thought was possible back then.
How does a fun flirtation turn into an earth-shattering romance? Is really possible to find real love in SL? I mean love that lasts and stays? I have seen couples--SL partnerships, or marriages if you will--come and go. Some in months, some in weeks, some in only a matter of days. Me, I swore I would never be tied down. Thought that whole partnership thing was a dumb idea. And yet here I am having given up all other SL lovers for the one man who makes me happy in my second life.
Want to see what the last year has been like? Here's a little video of us over the last year, a celebration of who we were and who we are now. Don't know where we are going. Don't know if we'll ever be able to balance RL and SL. Don't know what comes next, but this sure feels like forever. . . . Just gonna keep dancing my way through SL.
To top it off, not only has real life been changing too fast for me, but so has my SL. What has been keeping me too busy there to blog? Well, having just passed my rez-day, I can say there have been a lot of changes in SL for me over the last year. Made new friends, changed jobs (no more Lotus Moon or Purfect Droom, but still can be found at Blue Noise and Escort Island), changed my look to a more photo realistic skin, bought land and now have a home (3rd incarnation thereof!) in Valis & I share it with our (yes, I said "our") small family there, and . . . brace yourselves . . . I have fallen in love.
Yes, my SL has over the last year taken a turn for the serious as well. All good mind you. . . Remember way back around a year ago when I said my life had wandered off on a tangent? Well, that was one life changing tangent . . . . The man in question is still here one year later, still together. And, lo, I find care even more deeply for him today than I thought was possible back then.
How does a fun flirtation turn into an earth-shattering romance? Is really possible to find real love in SL? I mean love that lasts and stays? I have seen couples--SL partnerships, or marriages if you will--come and go. Some in months, some in weeks, some in only a matter of days. Me, I swore I would never be tied down. Thought that whole partnership thing was a dumb idea. And yet here I am having given up all other SL lovers for the one man who makes me happy in my second life.
Want to see what the last year has been like? Here's a little video of us over the last year, a celebration of who we were and who we are now. Don't know where we are going. Don't know if we'll ever be able to balance RL and SL. Don't know what comes next, but this sure feels like forever. . . . Just gonna keep dancing my way through SL.
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