Monday, July 21, 2008

Jinara and Hawk at Blue Noise


Jinara and Hawk at Blue Noise
Originally uploaded by Tsai Jie

Jinara sent me this pic of the new hunk in her life, Hawk. Seems they've been getting pretty cozy of late. You go girl!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Jazz and Poetry at O'Brien's in the French Quarter

So last night while Draven and I were out wandering, I got a notice from the Written Word group that Julian Hifeng, journalist, RL poet, and jazz musician, would be playing live jazz and reciting poetry in The French Quarter at a pub called O'Brien's.

How could we resist? Draven loves jazz and all things New Orleans, I love poetry and any music. And besides it was a chance to spend time together!





The music was lovely soft cool jazz.

Julian's poetry had a sweet reflective narrative quality that tied the imagery to the mucic and the evening.



There was a nice crowd, too. O'Brien's is also and art gallery, featuring the work of SL artists. All in all a really good time. You should visit!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Is Your Guy Cheating On You With His E-Wife?

Someone I know with an SL girlfriend and an RL wife once told me his teenage daughter called Second Life, that "Second Wife" game her dad plays. Here's the thing, many people head into Second Life never intending to fall into a romantic relationship with someone on the other end of a keyboard. Is it bad / wrong / cheating to act on real emotions virtually? Is it wrong to have real emotional attachments if you have RL commitments? Why can't we love more than one person?

Today someone else sent me another article discussing the Virtual relationships vs Physical relationships controversy. This one comes from a website called "DontDateHimGirl.com" (seriously!).

It asks: Is Your Guy Cheating On You With His E-Wife? And here is what they had to say:

What's an e-wife, you ask? She's a woman your guy meets online, has a full-blown cyber-relationship with, but never meets her in person.

A DDHG member asked us to help her get her man to dump her
[the e-wife]
and get back to his relationship in the real-world. Here's what the Average Guy had to say!

Q. Dear DDHG,

I have a major problem. I have been with my husband for six years. I just found out that he has a woman that he's "married" to in cyberspace. It's the craziest thing.

She's already married but calls herself his e-wife and manages his schedule. They have a cyber bank account together and he has dinner with her on the computer every night where they chat back and forth about their day, etc. I was floored! I have never seen anything like this. I am hurt and confused.

When I confronted him about it, he just said it was harmless and that I didn't need to worry. He said he's not cheating on me because he's not having sex with her and he's never met her in person.

Because he doesn't see it as a big deal, he's not doing anything to end the relationship with his e-wife. Please help! I really need some advice and I always turn to DDHG when I've got relationship problems. Thank you!!!

A. Wow! This is one heck of a story, but it's not uncommon. The e-wife phenomenon is gaining steam all over the world. Whether they are married or in relationships, men forge new entanglements with women in cyberspace. They rationalize it by telling themselves that since they're not physically touching the person or talking to them on the phone it's fine. Of course, their real-life partners never see it that way!

What you need to do is tell your guy in no uncertain terms that he can only have one woman in your life. While he's instant messaging his way through dinner with his e-wife, he could be having a romantic dinner with you. Tell him how uncomfortable it makes you feel to know that he is sharing the intimate details of his life with another woman.

Ask him how he would feel if you were doing the same thing. Most likely, he will get how much this hurts you and divorce his e-wife. If not, the choice is yours whether or not to leave the relationship. You deserve a guy who's not going to play around on you in real-life or in cyberspace. 

-- The Average Guy
I have two things to point out to RL wife here: (1) face the fact that your man is seriously attracted to something this other woman gives him, probably something that is lacking in your RL relationship; and (2) he is still with you and is not planning on leaving you is he? His being able to get it (whatever it is he gets from the e-wife--support, attention, sex, plain old conversation) in cyber-space gives him a reason to stay with you.

Here's the thing. People leave their real spouses everyday for other people they meet, fall in love with, and want a closer connection to. Yes, your guy is having his cake and eating it as well, but hey, he's still sleeping in your bed isn't he? If this "e-wife" were not there, would he be out looking for another woman in real life? What is he getting from her that he is not getting from you? Any RL girlfriend would have tried to talk him into leaving you by now. Maybe this in not a bad thing, but a safe solution.

It takes two to make a relationship work, RL or SL. Don't whine and make demands on him. You really want to draw him away from his cyber girlfriend? Then put on a sexy nighty and seduce his ass. Chances are really good the reason he is getting it in cyber-space is because you aren't giving it out at home. And the fact that your man is only doing it in cyber-space rather than picking up chicks in the bar down the street is proof that he cares for you and doesn't want to leave you. So cut him some slack.

I talk to guys in SL all the time who are not getting laid at home. Wife is too tired, kids are underfoot, a dozen reasons why there is no time for sex, or conversation, or the things that make a relationship special. But those are just the things that are necessary for the love to stay alive, for the passion to keep burning.

So he goes into cyber-space and gets his jollies. So what? He is still with you. If the other woman is also in an RL relationship chances are damn good she is not going to hop a plane or train and beat feet to come take your man away. And maybe the candy on the side can teach him a few tricks for pleasing you better, too. In any case he is happier and he is home. You push him and you may find yourself left in the dust while he heads out to find the woman who is not forcing him to make a choice. Remember Dutch! His RL wife had a hissy and pushed it, and he left her and married the cyber GF.

Now maybe it is me, or maybe it is because I just don't "get" monogamy. I have a SL cyber-lover and an RL man, too, but I just don't see why you can't love more than one person. It takes some juggling and balancing, sure, but in the end loving, being loved by more than one person . . . well let me just say that I am a very happy woman right now and don't plan on changing anything.

Trying to Listen to What the Universe is Saying

Do you ever wonder if the universe is trying to tell you something?

Seems like lately my secondlife is taking a back seat to everyone else's real lives. All right I hear you saying that it has been a holiday season and all. And maybe it is just because the RL holiday was incredibly painful this year (and no, I am not going into that!). But just now when I have the time finally to play in SL, no one else does! What is up with that?

Jinara is off somewhere (no doubt pouting over another man now that Hawk has gone MIA--not seen since November), and most everyone else in the family seems to be MIA, too. Jhai keeps complaining that she is way behind on her RL work and so can only come on briefly. Japh got his heartbroken by Wren, then chased Jinara around a bit but said she felt too much like his baby sister, and I haven't seen him since before way before Christmas. Ash and Wulf (new members of our SL family, also new to SL) only have eyes for each other. Heron flashes past now and again, but is always on her way to go camping or shopping. Haven't seen Dabrin, Mal, or Wren in ages! And then there is Draven. Of late even Draven hasn't had much time to play in SL, since he is incredibly busy with RL.

As people come and go in SL I remember those who haven't see ages. I miss long evenings exploring, walks on the beach in Purfect Droom, dancing in Blue Noise or Lotus Moon, cuddling in Valis.

Purfect Droom is gone now. Blue Noise is empty. Under new management since Rhiannon ran off with that Australian DJ Neo. Katieh, the new manager, hasn't done much more than rebuild, no grand reopening yet and when I stop by the place is deader than dead.

I used to go dancing, used to flirt, tease, I was the party girl. When I look back over nearly 2 years that I have been in SL I see that I have gone from being the bad girl to being a very domestic stay at home girl.

So why is it that when my friends are not around, the universe keeps throwing other opportunities in my face? Suddenly I have been hearing from men I used to keep company with. Don't get me wrong, no one has thrown themselves into my lap and begged for my attention. They just pop up and say "Hi." People on my friends list that I haven't seen in ages.

Like my old boss from Lotus Moon. The one who was always trying to talk us girls into the back room for a quickie where his wife couldn't see. And "blacktrenchcoatman" (names will be changed to protect the guilty) who always came into BN and wanted to tickle or lick me [Note to my male readers: saying "lick" or "tickle" is not the equivilent of saying hello!] And Mr.Mystic who offers to teach you the secrets of the enlightenment--in his bed. And good old Mr.Wrong, who although he is better than he was since he got a regular girlfriend, still starts most conversations by asking for a blow job. And let us not forget the guy who made an avatar just for me so we could (Ha! He wished!) have sex without him "cheating" on his SL partner.

Why just now when I am feeling lonely are all these guys turning up again?

And here's the thing. I don't know whether or not to be insulted that the universe is putting men in my path I don't even want. Do the Powers That Be think I am so easy? Or do they think I have no taste? Or are they protecting me by sending men I won't be tempted by? It is not that I don't have men in my life that I can't hang with and have fun. I love talking literature with Jamesen, or going to art shows and clubs with Corwyn. But as much as I care about both of them, they are not my family like Jinara and Mal, Dabrin and Jhai, Heron and Hawk, Wren, and Draven.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Dancing in the Airship


Originally uploaded by Tsai Dancing in the Airship--a rez-day present to Draven that makes a great hideaway above Valis. (Ship was created by Cara Rossini)