It has been an odd week in Valis. Jinara swung by on Tuesday all aglow. Seems she ran into Mal on Monday night. Months of no word from him and then there he was, cute and cuddly and wanting to play. A night of romantic fun and I figured she'd stop moping about Hawk and be back to fixating on Malcolm. But when I asked if she was getting back together with Mal, she just shrugged. "Jhai's right," she told me. "You can't worry about men. There are here and then they are gone. They just have different priorities than women. No biggie! It is what it is." And off she went to chase lucky chairs with Heron. I am not sure if it is a good sign that she is not moping or a bad one, as in has she given up on love?
Then on Tuesday Jhai, who is usually the unflappable one, asked Dabrin to Punday night at Callahan's Crosstime Saloon. Unfortunately although he did show up, he couldn't stay for long. I was adding a new swan to the water in Valis when Jhai came fuming home. "Men. Damn them." Ash showed up around then and I just gaped as the two of them (seems Wulf--Ash's number one boy toy--has been unavailable of late, too) went into a duet rant about being treated like china dolls on a shelf--toys to be played with when the "boys" have time.
"Wait a minute!" I said to Jhai. Aren't you the one who always told me that a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle?" Here was Jinara, the emotional one, being blasé, and Jhai, usually the rational one, going all emotional. I made a note to myself to check the horoscopes on all of them. As I logged out I saw they were at the waterfall throwing stones at the fish and still bitching.
Last night it was my turn to be lonely, missing Draven. I know he's busy, RL busy. But I had gotten so used to hearing from him multiple times in the day that these days when we are both so wrapped in RL it gets hard. Still, I had talked to him just that morning--god, I love his voice. It's like velvet on my skin. But there I was in Valis feeling kind of neglected and kind of sorry for myself and kind of hoping he was going to just suddenly be there in that way he has of appearing out of nowhere and making everything all right in my world. But he didn't and it wasn't, it never is allright when he is far away. Then I saw Amanda pop online, and not having heard from her in a while I IMed. She came over and I showed her around the new store. I was feeling better with some company, until. . . .
Draven has all his dresses up on vendors there in the store and most of them are being modeled by Heron. "Who is the blonde with the tits," 'Manda asked. "Then she looked at me funny and asked, "Everything okay between you and Draven?"
"Of course it is, never better," I told her. Then I stopped. Heron isn't interested in Draven. Nor he in her. Really. I am sure of it. I mean, we are all pretty certain Heron likes girls. Even if she is very hot. And blonde. And several slider points larger than me in the chest as well as smaller in the waist. But no matter how pretty she is, Draven isn't interested in her that way. Really. I am sure of it. Aren't I?
OMG, I'm an insecure bitch!
Friday, July 18, 2014
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Lately I've been kissing people I'm not married to...
SL is a strange place. You can get immediately and intimately connected with people you barely know. Now I am not saying this is necessarily a bad thing, and lord knows I am not likely to give up doing so myself, but I read a post a while ago on Salon.com that reminded me of what the unintended consequences could be for SL relationships.
Salon.com has an advice column (generally witty, always interesting) written by Cary Tennis. This offering is "Lately I've been kissing women I'm not married to," a lament from a married man who finds himself wanting to act out his fantasies of making out with strangers... here's a small piece:
My situation is this: I think of myself as happily married. My wife and I have a good relationship. Our sex life is just fine. Why have I done this? My recurring fantasy is going out with a woman from work and we end up at her place after drinks, fooling around. Pretty vanilla, I know. But that's me! The situation this week followed my fantasy to a T, which I clearly found exciting. But my fantasy always goes further than what actually happened this week. I/we stopped it in its tracks because I/we knew it was wrong. But why wasn't I smart enough to stop it earlier, when we were having drinks and were both giving clear signals to each other? I would understand if I was unhappy in my marriage. That is why I find my behavior so stupid. What is my problem?
Serial Kisser
Dear Serial Kisser,
What is your problem? Your problem is that if you continue to kiss women you are not married to, soon you will no longer be married. That is the usual outcome with the kissing of attractive women you are not married to. You are evidently aware of this in some dim way. That would be why this hobby of yours is not bringing you unalloyed pleasure but instead a pleasure tinged with a dollop of piquant dread. . . . I mean, it's understandable what's been happening. Get a few drinks in you and you want to kiss people. It's natural. Nothing wrong with that per se, except you're married. You know the rules. You knew the rules when you signed up. Nobody forced you to sign up. You signed up on your own. There are a lot of people you don't get to kiss now. It's tough, I know. But those are the rules.
If Cary is correct, well, there are a lot of us breaking those rules by our actions in our SL lives. So the ultimate question becomes: is having a relationship in SL a threat to an RL relationship? I personally know of at least 2 RL couples playing in SL who have come close to the brink of separation/divorce and may yet tip over it. These are RL married couples who play separately in SL and have SL relationships with SL partners other than their RL ones. And in both cases each partner has one or more SL sweetie, someone other than their RL one. It should also be said that in each case the RL relationship was in someways dysfunctional before anyone got involved with anyone else in SL.
There are also cases of people getting involved with SL partners to the exclusion and alienation of their RL spouses. An August 10, 2007 article in the Wall Street Journal, "Is this Man Cheating on his Wife?", tells the story of one guy who has in effect traded his RL for his SL, spending full days on the computer in SL with his other wife, an SL partner. Andrew Vogel's response, in his blog Spunlogic, tells us:
According to family law experts and marital counselors, though, the Hoogestraats’ deteriorating marriage is not an isolated case. The article cites that an increasing number of marriages are crumbling because of “virtual infidelity.” This begs the question, if virtual marriages are causing real life marriage trouble, are the virtual marriages all that virtual?
And there is the crux of the issue. Secondlife isn't just a game anymore. There are real people and real feelings on the other side of that avatar. Just like you can pick up a one-night stand in a bar, you can pick one up in SL. And just like that one-time good time in RL can lead to something serious so can an SL relationship become serious.
So what is the answer? Telling everyone--telling ourselves--"Hey! Don't do that!" Oh yeah, that'll work. Look. Let's face it. There is a huge divorce rate in this country. And why? Because Americans throw something out and get a new one when it doesn't work anymore. Here's a notion. Maybe the SL relationship can save the RL one that isn't working? Don't get enough sex at home? Have an affair or hire an escort in SL. No diseases, no mess, not expensive, not illegal. But don't expect a full time SL relationship AND a full time RL one. I'm not saying you can't have both--just that you have to be able to balance what you want with what you can realistically have. And be really sure, if you find you have to choose between the two, you are making the right choice--in full understanding of the effects of your choices on you, on the people in your real life, and on your SL lovers.
Salon.com has an advice column (generally witty, always interesting) written by Cary Tennis. This offering is "Lately I've been kissing women I'm not married to," a lament from a married man who finds himself wanting to act out his fantasies of making out with strangers... here's a small piece:
My situation is this: I think of myself as happily married. My wife and I have a good relationship. Our sex life is just fine. Why have I done this? My recurring fantasy is going out with a woman from work and we end up at her place after drinks, fooling around. Pretty vanilla, I know. But that's me! The situation this week followed my fantasy to a T, which I clearly found exciting. But my fantasy always goes further than what actually happened this week. I/we stopped it in its tracks because I/we knew it was wrong. But why wasn't I smart enough to stop it earlier, when we were having drinks and were both giving clear signals to each other? I would understand if I was unhappy in my marriage. That is why I find my behavior so stupid. What is my problem?
Serial Kisser
Dear Serial Kisser,
What is your problem? Your problem is that if you continue to kiss women you are not married to, soon you will no longer be married. That is the usual outcome with the kissing of attractive women you are not married to. You are evidently aware of this in some dim way. That would be why this hobby of yours is not bringing you unalloyed pleasure but instead a pleasure tinged with a dollop of piquant dread. . . . I mean, it's understandable what's been happening. Get a few drinks in you and you want to kiss people. It's natural. Nothing wrong with that per se, except you're married. You know the rules. You knew the rules when you signed up. Nobody forced you to sign up. You signed up on your own. There are a lot of people you don't get to kiss now. It's tough, I know. But those are the rules.
If Cary is correct, well, there are a lot of us breaking those rules by our actions in our SL lives. So the ultimate question becomes: is having a relationship in SL a threat to an RL relationship? I personally know of at least 2 RL couples playing in SL who have come close to the brink of separation/divorce and may yet tip over it. These are RL married couples who play separately in SL and have SL relationships with SL partners other than their RL ones. And in both cases each partner has one or more SL sweetie, someone other than their RL one. It should also be said that in each case the RL relationship was in someways dysfunctional before anyone got involved with anyone else in SL.
There are also cases of people getting involved with SL partners to the exclusion and alienation of their RL spouses. An August 10, 2007 article in the Wall Street Journal, "Is this Man Cheating on his Wife?", tells the story of one guy who has in effect traded his RL for his SL, spending full days on the computer in SL with his other wife, an SL partner. Andrew Vogel's response, in his blog Spunlogic, tells us:
According to family law experts and marital counselors, though, the Hoogestraats’ deteriorating marriage is not an isolated case. The article cites that an increasing number of marriages are crumbling because of “virtual infidelity.” This begs the question, if virtual marriages are causing real life marriage trouble, are the virtual marriages all that virtual?
And there is the crux of the issue. Secondlife isn't just a game anymore. There are real people and real feelings on the other side of that avatar. Just like you can pick up a one-night stand in a bar, you can pick one up in SL. And just like that one-time good time in RL can lead to something serious so can an SL relationship become serious.
So what is the answer? Telling everyone--telling ourselves--"Hey! Don't do that!" Oh yeah, that'll work. Look. Let's face it. There is a huge divorce rate in this country. And why? Because Americans throw something out and get a new one when it doesn't work anymore. Here's a notion. Maybe the SL relationship can save the RL one that isn't working? Don't get enough sex at home? Have an affair or hire an escort in SL. No diseases, no mess, not expensive, not illegal. But don't expect a full time SL relationship AND a full time RL one. I'm not saying you can't have both--just that you have to be able to balance what you want with what you can realistically have. And be really sure, if you find you have to choose between the two, you are making the right choice--in full understanding of the effects of your choices on you, on the people in your real life, and on your SL lovers.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Song du jour: Something for a grey day...
I'm trying to put this thing to bed
I've drugged it in its sleep
There aren't many memories
I'm comfortable to keep
This ball keeps rolling on
It's heading for the streets
Keep expecting you to send for me
The invitation never comes
Each time I turn around
There's nothing there at all
So tell me why I feel like I'm up against a wall
But maybe it's a false alarm
Every answer sounds the same
Just colours bleeding into one
That hasn't got a name
Maybe I can't see
Maybe it's just me
Now the curtain's coming up
The audience is still
I'm struggling to cater for
The space I'm meant to fill
And distance doesn't care
No, distance doesn't care
Each time I turn around
There's nothing there at all
So tell me why I feel like I'm up against a wall
But maybe it's a false alarm
Every answer sounds the same
Just colours bleeding into one
That hasn't got a name
Maybe I can't see
Maybe it's just me
I'm trying to put this thing to bed
I drugged it in its sleep
Remember what you said
Are you comfortable to keep it?
Keep it.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Quote du Jour via Purple Poetry
I stole this image from @purplepoetry77, a wise poet I follow on Twitter. Words here I need to remember when I get into morose moods like the one I feel today....
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