Where I have been. Where I am. Where I am going.

I had an urge to blog today. Had to remember my password. Had to find my login. And then I look at my last post and, lo!, it has been five years since I have been here! FIVE years! Where has time gone? So much water under so many bridges.

I stopped posting all those years ago because it was too painful. If you recall, I was once upon a time deeply in love with a man in SL (let's call him Boston). It affected my RL. He had an RL with a wife and kids. So he broke it off with me. And I was broken. Devastated. Funny how rejection from someone many states away could so greatly affect my both my lives, SL and RL. The last time I spoke to him was well over 6 years ago. Since then I have come to understand the wisdom in the way he broke it off (cold turkey) with me. I have also come to question how much this affair was a fantasy (perhaps of my imagining more than his).

Water under a bridge... mostly. I miss him still. But I think he was wise to dump me hard.

Why? Because over the last five years, my RL Beloved has been having an affair with a woman (call her Michigan) several states away. Much as Boston and I did, my RL man sends cute romantic texts to her, tells her he loves her, has become emotionally attached. Just as Boston made it patently clear to me (all through our brief virtual affair) that he was not leaving his wife, so Best Beloved makes it clear to Michigan that he is not leaving me and that they are just flirty friends.

The irony here is that I know all about Michigan, just as Best Beloved knew all about Boston. (Although, I do not think D ever confessed about me to his wife--or if he did I wonder how he explained it? She means nothing? It was just a game?) The two love affairs are both remarkably similar and completely different.

Let's be clear here, my RL man did have a physical RL affair with real, not virtual sex. It was just one weekend in a hotel in Toledo. When he came home he confessed all. I lost my shit and told him he had to end it with her. He did and he didn't. She moves in a group of people with whom we are RL friends. I can't help bumping into her at various functions. She has told me he is her "soul mate." He says she is "just a good friend." But he continues to talk to her and flirt with her. And this last summer things got physical again. Not sex. Just kissy face and patty finger physical. But it hurt. I considered leaving him and he lost his shit. Doesn't want to lose me. We spent time in counseling. I have spent a lot of the last five years being real. 

I probably should be happy Beloved is honest with me. But what it really means is if he can have his fantasy life with her in emoticons in text messages and a series of what if or if only conversations, he is good with that. He has his cake at home, me, and he is eating it too, with her.

Some of my bridges are washing away in the flood....

And this Dear Reader is why I have not been writing. Life is all confusing. Do I still love him? Not sure. Am I lonely. Oh yeah. Because while S is busy emoting with P, he is not talking to me. We move like ghosts through this big house. Living separate lives together.

Stay tuned for how This Girl went back to looking for love in SL while she makes decisions about RL....

Making it Real?

Love is such a funny thing. It can be so all consuming. You see it in literature all the time . . . The lover can't sleep, can't eat, can't think of anything but the beloved. But here is a question: does love really need to be so demanding? Why can't we just "be there" for each other? Why must love always have demands . . . what makes us think that loving gives us a right to ask for more, or to offer less?

And then there is love in Second Life, where virtual love has its own set of complications. I heard from an old friend just the other day who is struggling with the borders between SL and RL. "Vee" has been looking for the right woman (read: a sexually compatable woman) ever since he got involved in SL. He thinks he finally found her. They even got partnered in SL. Now he faces a dilemma. Does he leave well enough alone? Enjoy the virtual relationship as it is, build an SL life? Or ask for more by asking to meet her in RL? Tough questions. Especially since both of them are RL married. With kids.

The way things usually go in RL is that you meet someone. You date a while, get to know all about each other, then--if things are still good--you make it all public. You move in together, get engaged, maybe married. You would at least meet each other's friends, families. And above all in RL you would end the one relationship before going public with the second. Not so in SL.

In SL we begin with masks. And we tend to stay behind the masks. There is no conflict with multiple partners, or for that matter with kids or in-laws. No one leaves their dirty laundry on the bedroom floor, leaves the cap off the toothpaste or the toilet seat up. There are no bad hair days, warts, zits, farts, burps. No need for any unpleasantness and thus no need for any real effort. A self-sustaining fantasy that only takes the right words in chat to keep your beloved happy. It's a pretty good boat. Why rock it?

Remember the case in the news a few years ago of Dutch, the married guy who neglected his RL wife and family for his SL GF? He ended up divorcing, then marrying the SL GF in RL. I wonder if he's happy. You could see hime in-world from time to time, on the Pirate Sim he and Tenaj  (new wife) built together. I wrote about the consequences of virtual "cheating" a while back, but I still don't have any good answers about that except to say we each can only make choices for ourselves never for anyone else, not even for our beloveds. Here's the thing, though. If what happens in SL stays in SL, you are less likely to cause or feel RL hurt--to anyone, yourself included.

Some do move love into RL from SL. I see couples all the time with lines in their 1st life profiles that say "we met in SL and now are together in RL."

On the other hand what if the love of your SL life can't or doesn't want to get RL serious? Maybe he/she is married in RL, and is not prepared to sacrifice that? Or not ready for any commitment that extends beyond the safety of the SL masks? Is the love any less real? Again, that's a case by case and person by person decision. Yes, only you can decide if you want to take the chance on meeting her in RL, and on what terms. But here's a clue. If you don't know her real name, address, phone number . . . if she hasn't shared those things yet . . . then she's not ready. And pushing it will only break it. If you love him/her you have to respect that.

Lately I've been kissing people I'm not married to...

SL is a strange place. You can get immediately and intimately connected with people you barely know. Now I am not saying this is necessarily a bad thing, and lord knows I am not likely to give up doing so myself, but I read a post a while ago on Salon.com that reminded me of what the unintended consequences could be for SL relationships.

Salon.com has an advice column (generally witty, always interesting) written by Cary Tennis. This offering is "Lately I've been kissing women I'm not married to," a lament from a married man who finds himself wanting to act out his fantasies of making out with strangers... here's a small piece:

My situation is this: I think of myself as happily married. My wife and I have a good relationship. Our sex life is just fine. Why have I done this? My recurring fantasy is going out with a woman from work and we end up at her place after drinks, fooling around. Pretty vanilla, I know. But that's me! The situation this week followed my fantasy to a T, which I clearly found exciting. But my fantasy always goes further than what actually happened this week. I/we stopped it in its tracks because I/we knew it was wrong. But why wasn't I smart enough to stop it earlier, when we were having drinks and were both giving clear signals to each other? I would understand if I was unhappy in my marriage. That is why I find my behavior so stupid. What is my problem? 

Serial Kisser 

Dear Serial Kisser,
What is your problem? Your problem is that if you continue to kiss women you are not married to, soon you will no longer be married. That is the usual outcome with the kissing of attractive women you are not married to. You are evidently aware of this in some dim way. That would be why this hobby of yours is not bringing you unalloyed pleasure but instead a pleasure tinged with a dollop of piquant dread. . . . I mean, it's understandable what's been happening. Get a few drinks in you and you want to kiss people. It's natural. Nothing wrong with that per se, except you're married. You know the rules. You knew the rules when you signed up. Nobody forced you to sign up. You signed up on your own. There are a lot of people you don't get to kiss now. It's tough, I know. But those are the rules. 

If Cary is correct, well, there are a lot of us breaking those rules by our actions in our SL lives. So the ultimate question becomes: is having a relationship in SL a threat to an RL relationship? I personally know of at least 2 RL couples playing in SL who have come close to the brink of separation/divorce and may yet tip over it. These are RL married couples who play separately in SL and have SL relationships with SL partners other than their RL ones. And in both cases each partner has one or more SL sweetie, someone other than their RL one. It should also be said that in each case the RL relationship was in someways dysfunctional before anyone got involved with anyone else in SL.
There are also cases of people getting involved with SL partners to the exclusion and alienation of their RL spouses. An August 10, 2007 article in the Wall Street Journal, "Is this Man Cheating on his Wife?", tells the story of one guy who has in effect traded his RL for his SL, spending full days on the computer in SL with his other wife, an SL partner. Andrew Vogel's response, in his blog Spunlogic, tells us:

According to family law experts and marital counselors, though, the Hoogestraats’ deteriorating marriage is not an isolated case. The article cites that an increasing number of marriages are crumbling because of “virtual infidelity.” This begs the question, if virtual marriages are causing real life marriage trouble, are the virtual marriages all that virtual?

And there is the crux of the issue. Secondlife isn't just a game anymore. There are real people and real feelings on the other side of that avatar. Just like you can pick up a one-night stand in a bar, you can pick one up in SL. And just like that one-time good time in RL can lead to something serious so can an SL relationship become serious. 

So what is the answer? Telling everyone--telling ourselves--"Hey! Don't do that!" Oh yeah, that'll work. Look. Let's face it. There is a huge divorce rate in this country. And why? Because Americans throw something out and get a new one when it doesn't work anymore. Here's a notion. Maybe the SL relationship can save the RL one that isn't working? Don't get enough sex at home? Have an affair or hire an escort in SL. No diseases, no mess, not expensive, not illegal. But don't expect a full time SL relationship AND a full time RL one. I'm not saying you can't have both--just that you have to be able to balance what you want with what you can realistically have. And be really sure, if you find you have to choose between the two, you are making the right choice--in full understanding of the effects of your choices on you, on the people in your real life, and on your SL lovers.

Knowing When to Walk Away

A long time ago a friend told me that I try so hard to pour oil on troubled waters that I end up polluting them. Something in me always seems to wants to fix all the broken things. Make all my friends happy. Make the ones I love love me back. Please everyone and at the same time be pleased by everyone. Balance my RL with my SL. I guess there has to come a point where you finally say to yourself this is just too broken to put it back together. 

Sometimes I suspect I spend too much time trying too hard to recapture a moment that is lost rather than making a new moment. Sometimes it is someone else who has so many filters that he only hears and sees what he expects to see. I think I did that pollution thing again today. I shouldn't have talked to him. I should have let it be. I keep coming back to try to start over and all I do is rip the scab off the wounds I thought were healed--both mine and his it seems. 

Sometimes I wish I knew why this one broken thing is so important to me. Sometimes I wish I didn't care. I guess I have finally come to the point where I know I have no choice but to let go.  

He would say I am seeing only black and white--stay or go. But what other option is there? The fact is, he always played his cards so close to the chest I don't know what the best path is. I had no clues so I always blundered about believing the best. And I seem to have hurt him, been hurting him, keep hurting him. Could I hurt him so much if he didn't care at all for me? The dumb thing is I don't even know, I truly do not know what it is I do that he calls drama and emotion. 

Two weeks ago I said hello I wasn't angry, wasn't emotional. A little sad, a little hopeful. But not expecting anything. Just wanting to tell him I still care. Not asking him to take me back. Just wanted to say I hoped he was well and happy. Do I say to much? Wear my heart on my sleeve? Probably. He brought up the things I said last month. I wanted to clear it up. I should have said nothing. Should have walked away and let it go. How did my being hurt by his new relationship cause him so much anger? If he doesn't care for me, should he even give a damn what I think? If he does still care for me, shouldn't he want to talk? To meet halfway and find a place we can at least be friends? All I ever wanted to do was to make him happy. All we ever do any more is hurt each other. 

He used to call us star-crossed lovers. But then he dumped me. Nearly a year ago he walked away, said it was too much and he had no time for SL and that he didn't want me any more because I was messing up his RL, and RL was too important. Okay. I can buy that. RL has to come first. Hell, I came close to trashing my RL because of the intensity of my feelings for him. I needed to refocus, too. I have been putting that back together, slowly, only because my RL love has also made an effort. But then that's what RL is about. Being real to each other. 

So how dumb am I for chasing a man in SL who won't talk to me, won't listen to me, doesn't believe me, and clearly doesn't want me?  

I have spent the last year wandering lost. Thinking about him a dozen times a day and learning how not to cry. And then still crying. Pouring over old emails and chats and pictures. Getting my hopes up on the rare occasions he spoke to me or was friendly. Falling apart when he smacked me down and was cold. Trying to find my footing in SL again without him. Half a dozen times I have thought about deleting this avatar. About starting over. I threw myself at other men, but in the end no one else was him. I made new friends, good friends, friends who were a distraction. I went dancing, flirted, had fun. But never could get him out of my mind. Never got him out of my heart. I still looked for him online. Me still being Stalker Chick. 

You know what is funny? The first year he loved it when I blogged about him. The second year he said I was putting pressure on him. In the end he said he hated my blog--I deleted it, then I resurrected most of it but took all mention of him out. I still can't bring myself to say his name here. And yet I can't stop thinking, and writing, about him. 


Last night I did it again. Sent him another email that he will not respond to. How dumb am I?

If It Feels Real: Sex, Harrassment, & Rape in Virtual Worlds

This week a friend of mine got griefed/harassed in Second Life by a woman who thought he was a man who had harassed her. The whole thing got so out of hand that he ended up filling an incidence report on the incensed and abusive woman who was herself a victim. Turns out the actual original harasser of the woman had a name a couple letter off of my friend's SL name. Ironic, no? The whole thing reminded me of a post I wrote back in February of 2008, so I thought I would repost it again. 

February 2008:
A while back there was an article in Virtually Blind about the Belgian police investigating an alleged rape that took place in Second Life last April. Now the first thing that comes to mind is that SL is a computer based user-controlled environment, is any sort of "rape" even possible? GameGrene has a very good article by Shataina on the issue of "Rape in RPGs" that everyone operating sexually in any virtual world should read.

One of the things I find most fascinating, though, is the wide variety of opinions that are still being generated on virtual world forums (the most recent response to the Virtually Blind story was just last week, the responses to Shataina's article in GameGrene went on for over two years with the last only a couple months ago). Why does the idea of rape or even sexual harassment of an imaginary figure push so many hot buttons for us? Most of the responses to this issue point out that the avatar is controlled at a "safe" distance, that there is no reason the person behind the av can't just tp out, mute the assailant, or turn off the computer and walk away. Other responders point out the strong identity connection to the av that the real person behind the controls has and how such an assault could disorient the real person behind the av.

The fact of the matter is that there are clear cases of sexual harassment in SL. I've met male avatars (thankfully not a lot) who have launched into graphic descriptions of what they "are doing" to my avatar--descriptions that involved graphic sexuality up to and including forcible rape scenarios. My response to that kind of behavior--if they don't take the initial response of "No thank you! I am not interested in having virtual sex with you!"--is generally something like: "are you such a lousy lover that you find it necessary to force yourself on women like this often?" My second response is to mute them. But I can see how, to someone who is young or insecure or (worse!) someone who has been a victim in RL, such an "attack" does in fact feel like rape. Is it prosecutable? Probably not. But you can report it and maybe even get an "attacker" banned from SL for such behavior (see: How to File an Incident Report).

The bottom line is that this issue is real. While it may not be rape, it certainly is rude, and that is ultimately not acceptable behavior. And lest we not forget, ladies, this door swings both ways. I'm heard from men in SL, too, that they have been put off of virtual sex because of pushy or aggressive women (all too often these are escorts looking for business). Many times in RL sexual assault cases turn into "He Said/She Said" debates. The point here is not to debate the issue, but to adhere to some standards of polite behavior to avoid such conflicts in the first place. Here are a few simple guidelines:

1. First and foremost, be certain the person you are chatting up is really interested in sex with you BEFORE launching into aggressive or sexually graphic chat. Ask not just once, but 2 or 3 times: "Say I'd like to make love to you . . . would you like to come back to my place?" If he or she says "no," that's it. Game over. No means no.

2. Pay attention to the cues they are sending you. Are they really responding to your flirtations? Or are they making polite non-committal noises? Much of the innuendo and inflection of real conversation can be lost in the use of IMs. Don't assume everyone is into virtual sex. Don't rush anyone into bed, don't let anyone drag you there against your better judgment. (An addendum to this one for escorts is that if you have not negotiated a price UP FRONT before the deed, then you don't get paid. Extortion after the fact is just as unacceptable as sexual harassment.)

3. If you are not comfortable with what someone is saying when they are flirting with you, tell them to stop. Tell them you aren't interested. If all else fails stop talking except for typing an an emote in the public chat like: "/me SLAPS YOU HARD ACROSS THE FACE". BTW, gentlemen, even if that person harassing you is a woman who doesn't want to take no for an answer, you can go ahead and slap her, too. Sometimes someone gets so caught up in the role they are playing they forget that not everyone wants to play along. You need to get your assailant's attention to make them stop.

4. If you are in a public sim, like a club, appeal to the owner or host for assistance. Sometimes a third party can get the attention of the assailant who is just lost in their own fantasy. At the very least a sim owner deserves to know what is going on so he or she can ban such a person from the sim and stop them from harassing others there.

5. If all else fails mute them, leave the area, or log off.

Sex, whether in SL or RL can be a wonderful mutual connection, a joyful coming together of willing lovers, of consensual adults. It should never be one-sided or hurtful. Being aware of your potential lover's real wants and needs, their stopping points and their go-aheads, is part of the learning curve of love. Take the time to do it right.

Sex With A New Guy

Cosmopolitan magazine, every girl's guide to life, the universe, and everything, has a great article on Sex With A New Guy that gives a lot of useful pointers on sex in the real world:

"Getting intimate with a new person can be clumsy," says Chris Fariello, PhD, director of the Institute for Sex Therapy, in Philadelphia. You aren't completely comfortable with each other yet. Plus, there's so much at stake the first time — if the sex is bad, you could second-guess the budding relationship. These four rules will make it completely enjoyable.

Good advice here, and both men and women can benefit from it. But for those of us who like sex in virtual worlds as well as real, those who seek quality passionate moments in Second Life, the rules are a bit different. Here are my adaptations of those same "four rules" for SL.

Rule 1: Don't Jump the Gun
Foreplay is just as important in SL as in RL. But in the virtual setting the foreplay doesn't just begin in the moment that you jump on those pose balls, it starts from your first conversation. Treat every potential sex partner as you would like to be treated from day one, from that very first flirtatious exchange. If you go slow, the build up of desire and anticipation even before you get to the main act can be what takes you from ho- hum mutual masturbation to a mind-boggling connection.

Once you have (mutually) determined that you will hit the (virtual) sheets together, take a second or two to send little daily IMs (even if he is not on) just letting him know how much you are looking forward to the encounter. Emote things like I am imagining your hands on me right now, I want to whisper my fantasies in your ear, or When I see you log in my breath catches and heart begins to beat faster. The rule here is subtle. You know those explicit emotes the stripper on the pole in the club is throwing out at all the guys--you don't want to go there, yet. Save those for when you are at the main event.

And when the time comes, take the time to verbally undress for your partner and to verbally undress him (/me slips warm fingers into your waistband and unbuckles your belt. /me slips my blouse first off one shoulder then the other.)

Foreplay in SL is the verbal repartee that lets your partner know you find him (or her) desirable and can barely bear to wait, but also that s/he is worth waiting for.

Rule 2: Acknowledge Awkward Moments
In real life this is when the biology fails us. Nervousness makes hard things soft and wet things dry. In SL that is not where the problems arise (no pun intended). In virtual sex there are no biological failures, you are touching you and he is touching himself.  However, communication is the key here and, let's face it, when we get excited we can often barely type, let alone spell, and there is no time for spell check in virtual sex! Then there is the issue of typing one-handed. Planning this scene out in your head beforehand can help. Even having a list of cut and paste emotes may be useful.

Using voice solves a number of those problems, but can raise others. One or both of you may be intimidated by dirty-talk out loud. If voice is no problem go for it, but be willing to do text if your partner expresses any discomfort. And if you finally do get to hear that sexy fellow's voice be prepared that it may not match the avatar! If you are going to get into voice keep it low and slow: you can cultivate a sexy voice even if you weren't born with one.

Through it all remember: you have to be willing to go with the flow! If all your emotes are about tying her to the bed and she wants to be on top, neither of you is going to have fun. This is a two-way conversation or you might as well be watching porn and doing it alone. Take some time to talk her (or him) slowly  into your fantasy (see rule 1!). Let it develop for your partner by giving them time to react and respond. And listen--really listen--for your partner's reactions.

Rule 3: Say Something Nice
Let's face it, half the joy of good sex is when your partner gets off on it, too. It's the ubiquitous question: Was it good for you? We all want to please as much as we want to be pleased. (If you are one of the few to whom that doesn't matter you can quit reading now and go back to masturbating all alone.) For most of us feedback is a good thing, but on a first encounter you should always keep it simple and positive.

In SL, where you can't see facial and body reactions, feedback becomes even more critical. Tell your partner what you liked. Yes, you can also talk about what you each didn't like (later), but how much easier--and more pleasant to focus on the good.  "OMG, baby, when you said _____ I had the most amazing _____" may be a bit over the top. Or not. Know your audience I always say. But a simple basic "I love that you are/said/did" lets your partner know that s/he is more than cartoon porn to you. In a virtual world we have to sometimes take an extra step or two to be "real" to each other. And we need to remember that orher cartoon in the bed is a real person with real feelings as well.

Rule 4: Hold Back from Getting Crazy Acrobatic
Now here is where SL really breaks away from reality.  In SL you can be as bizarrely creative (and I have seen some bizarre pose balls) as the animations allow.  But for your first time together, keeping it simple is a good idea. (Remember paragraph three in rule 2 above!) Take time to learn each others likes and dislikes, take time to talk about your desires, fantasies,and take time to learn your partner's tastes before you buy that vampire sex swing with the cream pie attachments.

Since genitals and sexual equipment is also virtual (as well as detachable, resizable, and available in a variety of species) there are some creative things you can do in your SL sex play. But again, for that first encounter, you may want to leave the 6' penis and the giant butterfly shaped clit in your inventory and just go with normal genitalia. Go slow. Once you get to know each other better there will be time for all the crazy sex games you can dream of. After all this is the place to do those things that are NPIRL (Not Possible in Real Life)!
                           
That's it. Hope this advice has been useful. And I also hope you are having all the SL sex fun you can grab with both hands. Where else but in Second Life can you meet beautiful people, with whom you can connect on an intimate level of the mind, as well as having some good old fashioned sex-play with no RL biological consequences? So play nice, kids and share the toys!

Marry him, Sophira!

I was cleaning out my computer folders this morning and found this screenshot I took of the map in SL exactly one month ago. It feels so far away now. You see I was in-world moving my stuff out of Valis. It was the end of my home there. The end of everything Draven and I built together. The end of his love. The end of my world.

You can see my blue "home" location in the top left of the picture. You can see the yellow dot that is me standing there. That was the day I went in to take all my things out and leave the place to Draven. He had told me to "delete" his stuff and keep the place. Told me he was leaving Valis, maybe leaving SL, leaving me. I am still not entirely clear in my head where it all went wrong. We both had real lives that had to come first. But, oh, it was good--for 2 years it was so good. This last year, I don't know. It just all went wrong.

Valis was the first place in SL I could call home. I bought the land for Draven, for his birthday in 2007. Added to it so we could build on it. He used to yell at me for buying more and more land. I wanted more for more prims for him to build with. I so loved watching him build, seeing the gorgeous things he could create. He made me an Italian villa, and a gazebo full of stars, we had waterfalls and airships, boats and beautiful gardens on the land and in the sky.  We talked about someday owning a whole sim . . . I would have given him a continent if I could have.  But he was never comfortable with my gifts, I don't know why. I don't think he every understood that those were just things. The had no real value, the only value in the gifts is just to show someone how much you care about them. And I cared. Loved him. I still do, god help me.

So it was ironic to me that as I was dismantling my life in Valis with Draven--perhaps the most painful thing I have ever had to do--there on the map was this sim, Minacci, just to the south, covered in a marriage proposal. I think that might well be the sweetest thing I have ever seen.

Someone--someone very much in love with Sophira--wants to build a life with her. And he took a whole sim to spell out his love for her in letters of a dozen prims each. On a multi-prim platform in the sky.

I say marry him Sophira. Tell him you love him every single day. If you can't live with him in RL then live with him and love him in SL. Love every moment with him as if it is the last.

Hold onto him, Sophira, and don't ever let go.

Jamesen and Tsai

Jamesen and Tsai, originally uploaded by Tsai Jie.

It has been a rough few months for me. In RL, I just lost my father. In SL I lost a man I loved with all my heart, and with him went my faith in what I thought we ever meant to each other.

Jamesen has been with me through all of it. Listening, holding me when I need to be held. Being a shoulder to lean on. Real friends do that, they are there for you. They listen to you even when it is painful or opens their own wounds.

Thank you, Jamesen, for being my friend.

Memories...

I have spent the last few days... well, the last week or so really, ever since Valis disappeared, collecting all my memories of it. I have always been a SL shutterbug. Problem is I have photos scattered across at least 4 computers/laptops (and let's not talk about the many flash and portable hard drives). The thing is SL is just so damn pretty. And in SL we are so damn pretty. And there are all those magic moments.

It is hard to not get caught up in the magic of Second Life, in the "SL effect"--that sense that the things that happen in the virtual world are sometimes more real than your real world. It is true, it can be dangerous and even painful to expect too much from a virtual world. To believe in the game. But here's the thing: in SL we are real people, too. I don't want to think of SL as a distraction from my real world--I like my RL. I think of SL as a beautiful addition to my life. Enrichment. I have met more people that I would never have had the chance to meet. I have learned how beautiful it can be to love someone in SL. I refuse point blank to believe that love is ever a bad thing. Or that happiness, however fleeting, is bad either. I refuse to think that time spent with another person, caring about, getting to know that person, intimately: mind, body, and soul--no matter what ever happens in the long run--I refuse to think that kind of connection is ever a mistake.

So I have been gathering my memories, of Valis, and of Firefly before it. Of Draven. Of Heron and Wren, Hawk, Mal. Of Dabrin, and of Jinara, Jhai, and Noir. Of everyone who came, and so briefly lived, and loved someone at Valis. I am gathering all my pictures--all my memories. And putting them up in Flickr.

Right here... where I can look and remember. And never regret a single moment.

The Good / The Not So Good

It has been an odd week and a half for me. Some good, some not so good.

Not good: I lost my best friend. We'd had fights before. But I guess I always had faith that the friendship would survive. We'd blow up, then we'd talk. This time? Not so much. He's gone.

Good: I discovered some things about myself. I am an incurable optimist. I still believe that love and friendship can survive anything if both sides are willing to try. I still hope that someday we can be friends again.

Not good: I lost the only place I ever called home in SL. I should have known it was coming. I did know. But it still felt like getting a rug pulled out from under me.

Good: I found new land in Zindra, in McGavet. I was only half-heartedly looking, but I found a parcel that the previous owner had named "Serendipity Cove." I figured that was too serendipitous to pass up. And the price was right. The tier was, too. So I bought it.

Not so good: I have no one to share it with.

Kind of good: Another thing I discovered about myself this week is that I am at heart a nest-builder. That will be no surprise to anyone who knows me in RL. I am forever making over, rearranging, remodeling, and shopping for my RL home. When stressed I tend to head for Pier 1, Bed Bath & Beyond, or Home Depot. Even changing the colors of the bathroom towels and soaps can make my day. So it should be no surprise that rebuilding in a new space in SL was fairly theraputic as well. And I needed that therapy.

Neither good nor bad: There is some irony in the fact that I (once again) made a romantic spot to hang out in SL. Dancing, cuddles, and even sex animations. Waterfalls, pools, and gardens. I did mention that I am an incurable optimist, didn't I? And even if the man I would most like to share it with is no longer interested in me, well, at least perhaps I can make a nice place for other lovers to visit, to play.

So keep watching, I'll post pictures as I change the seasons at Serendipity Cove and redecorate regularly. Feel free to come by with your loved one and enjoy the facilities, make yourself at home.

Quote of the Day

In a conversation today I heard the best quote from my man Silver!

"Some guys read Field and Stream. Me, I read Cosmo. Guess it all depends on what you are hunting."

Hey, boys! Pay attention here--he knows whereof he speaks!
(/me winks)

What is a soulmate?

I have been thinking about what it might mean to have a soulmate recently. Thinking about the connections that form between humans on deep spiritual levels. Soulmates. We bandy the word around a lot. Too easily perhaps. Is a soulmate a lover? Possibly, but not necessarily. A life partner? Maybe, but also maybe not in the traditional sense of couples in relationships or marriages. A partner, certainly. A friend, most definitely. I found this definition which is the one I think I like the best.

In the Celtic tradition, there is a beautiful understanding of love and friendship. One of the fascinating ideas here is the idea of soul love; “Anam Cara” may sound like some new French perfume, but it actually refers to the Celtic spiritual belief of souls connecting and bonding.

In Celtic Spiritual tradition, it is believed that the soul radiates all about the physical body what some refer to as an aura. When you connect with another person and become completely open and trusting with that individual, your two souls begin to flow together.

Should such a deep bond be formed, it is said you have found your “ Anam Cara” or soul friend.

Your “ Anam Cara” always accepts you as you truly are, holding you in beauty and light. In order to appreciate this relationship, you must first recognize your own inner light and beauty. This is not always easy to do. The Celts believed that forming an “Anam Cara” friendship would help you to awaken your awareness of your own nature and experience the joys of others.

The “ Anam Cara” was originally someone to whom you confessed, revealing the hidden intimacies of your life. With the “Anam Cara,” you could share your innermost self, your mind and your heart. This friendship was an act of recognition and belonging. When you had an “Anam Cara”, your friendship cut across all convention, morality, and category. You were joined in an ancient and eternal way with the “friend of your soul”. The Celtic understanding did not set limitations of space or time on the soul. There is no cage for the soul. The soul is a divine light that flows into you and into your Other.

This art of belonging awakened and fostered a deep and special companionship. When you love, you open your life to an Other. All your barriers are down. Your protective distances collapse. This person is given absolute permission to come into the deepest temple of your spirit. Your presence and life can become their ground. It takes great courage to let someone so close. Where a friendship recognizes itself as a gift, it will remain open to its own ground of blessing. When you are blessed with an “ Anam Cara”, the Irish believe, you have arrived at that most sacred place: home. This bond between friends is indissoluble: “This, I say, is what is broken by no chances, what no interval of time or space can sever or destroy, and what even death itself cannot part.” [From Anam Cara: Wisdom from the Celtic World, by John O’Donohue, as found online in Lisa Sabine's Blog.]

My soulmate is someone I can believe in even when he doesn't believe in himself. Who I can trust to be honest with me and tell me to shut up when I need to shut up and to listen to me when I need to talk. My soulmate is a person who will forgive me when I need forgiving and who I will forgive when he needs it, too.

And if sometimes we need space from each other because the Real (tm) World has been closing in on us and we (who are very human after all) have felt crowded or insecure and taken it out on each other, well, then I just have to trust there is a connection that brought us together and which will let us--when we are stronger--come back together, some way, some how. . . serendipitously.

Clueless!

What do you do with a guy who just doesn't get it? Seth has a new GF, or maybe that is a potential GF. He brought her around to meet me. He thought we'd have things in common. He's right. Both English majors. Both into Brit Lit. But here's the thing. Seth starts blathering on to me about Natasha's RL life--things she has shared with him--and then immediately blathers to her about mine. Job, city, age, relationships . . . Oh, Seth. Bad, puppy, no biscuit!

The thing that makes SL fun is the anonymity of it all!

I suppose it is my own fault for sharing RL details with Seth, but hello! I wonder if he'd like it if I told his new lust object where he lives, or how old he is, or about his RL relationships?

Mostly the people in SL who know about my RL are the ones who are also IN my RL! And only very a few trusted others--Jamesen, Michael, Draven. Seth was on that list. Not anymore. LOL! See, Dude, you blew it. Gonna have to take back the key to the airship I've been letting him use after this stunt. (Or maybe I put a chat listening device in the floor and see what he does there and then post it here . . . hmmmm?)

OTOH, I like Natasha. I think she may just make a better friend than Seth!

The good, the bad, and the beautiful

Odd day yesterday. Some very good things--I was given an amazing gift by a special lover. Some bad things--my desktop computer crashed and burned and is gone, which lead to an argument with another lover.

Bad: I lost track of what day was what, thus confusing my commitments. (I am told that is part of the "SL effect"--the phenomenon whereby things in SL seem more real than things in RL and--if you are not careful--your fantasy can take over your reality.)

Good: I got more (or better) sleep last night than I have had in a week.

Bad: So many men, So little time. Good: Amazing men! One who makes me feel beloved. One who makes me laugh, a lot, to whom I can talk about anything, even RL. One who looks out for me.

Bad: I need to go computer shopping. Good: I'd been planning on buying a new computer anyway, and have the cash. Bad: I have 2 weeks worth of not-backed up files on the hard drive I can't access. Good: I have a access to a great IT department. Bad: I don't have time for this. Good: I can buy more RAM and a better graphics card and a faster processor. Bad: if I buy off the shelf, I am stuck with Windows Vista and SL doesn't run in Vista (neither does my RL wireless access). And if I order, there is the wait. Good: ???

Ever have one of those days when your brain keeps going around in circles?

The Beautiful. . . On the other hand, it is a beautiful day, the sun is shining, remarkable thunderstorms last night cleared the air and watered my gardens. I have many beautiful friends, lovers--physically handsome people, with beautiful hearts, and incredible minds (yes, you ... you know who you are!). Life is good.

So my dears, remember the adage of Auntie Mame: "Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!"

Come dance with me?

Trivia night at Callahan's

I was frustrated after a long day where all my words came out wrong somehow. You know how it is on days when you just seem to be unable to say things in a way people will understand you? So to blow off steam, I went in world. Callahan's was having Trivia night. Tolkien was the subject--I could not resist. I have read the LoTR more than a dozen times, it is my comfort literature... the stuff you read and reread and reread.

I missed the first half hour of the contest. But as I walked up the walk I heard: "Seven for the dwarf lords ___________" and as I walk in the door, I automatically say "in their halls of stone." I got the point. It was pretty much a walk in the park from there.

I told them I was kind of a ringer on this so I would happily not play if they thought it was unfair. They said that in depth knowledge didn't disqualify me by the rules. There was one guy, Zonker, who had 3 points when I came in who, after a couple more questions that I took, said he was gonna give up and just stare at my avatar instead. I liked that. Puts a girl in a good mood right away when someone likes what they see. Other people here and there had a point or 2 each. Only 3 or 4 questions got away from me after that. A couple I really didn't know, a couple I was not fast enough for.

I ended the evening as the winner with the scores being: me with 14 points, Zonker with 5 or so, and other people had 1 or 2 each. I told them I didn't feel right about taking of the prize (a gift certificate for all the Callahan's books from Amazon), so next week's trivia winner (the subject is Larry Niven--do you see a scifi author trend here?) will get it. The other half of the prize was that I got to pick the trivia subject for 2 weeks from now. I took Zonker's recommendation for Robert Heinlein. Now I have to come up with 25 Heinlein trivia questions. How well do you grok Heinlein? Wanna help?

After the contest was over most people went away, some stayed and talked Scifi Lit for a while. That was fun. Turned out Zonker is a Dr. Who fan. There was another fellow had come late and missed the contest, but who wanted to chat. He was being a bit flirty and came and stood by my chair. But then he turned voice on, while everyone else was still in text--I think that is kind of rude, so I was not impressed. He just talked over everyone's text, too, the kind of guy who wants to hear his own voice over everyone else's. When Zonker stood up to leave, so did I.

The thing about Callahan's is that everyone goes out the door before TPing. It's a kind of courtesy to maintain the illusion that this is a real bar. When I left the golden boy followed me and kept talking. I just kept walking, but then he asked: "how do you pronounce your name?" Now I am a sucker for a man who asks me about my name, so I stopped and turned. "It sounds like 'sigh', " I said. It all went downhill from there.

"No, that's wrong," he said, and proceeded to give me a lesson in Chinese language as he saw it. He told me that my name should be said "da-zigh" because the T becomes a D sound as in Mao Tsetung (which he pronounced Mao Duh-zee-dung). I told him the Chinese Hanzi characters are not the same, this is a soft C sound and would be spelled "Cai" in modern Romanized Pinyin Chinese. He proceeded to lecture me on Chinese and its many dialects. I said, "I know--I speak Putonghua." He said that he didn't know that one, he was talking about Mandarin Chinese. I tell him Putonghua IS what we Americans call Mandarin! But he is off on the next topic already, India. He says many dialects there, I say many distinct languages, and I begin to list them: Hindi, Punjabi, Urdu, Nepali, English. . . .

It is a bad move trying to argue with him. Like talking to a wall. Maybe I should have turned my voice on, while he kept rambling off on different tangents to impressed me (not!) with his knowledge (wrong!), I could have cussed him out in Mandarin, and then Mongolian, and French, and thrown Latin in for good measure. I think that he thought this was the way to impress a woman. I also think that he's an idiot and picked on the wrong woman. Now I was getting pissed.

Next golden-boy goes off into a sort of rambling diatribe and tells me Sanskrit is written in runes. I say glyphs, and he tells me again I am wrong, because he's read a lot and knows better. We argue the meaning of the word hieroglyphs. He: "picture" writing, so Sanskrit is "runes" because it is not pictures. I say: "sacred" writing, and BTW sanskrit also means "sacred writing," and besides, runes are purely Teutonic script. And I was determined to make him see his error (though why I felt the need to prove myself to this guy is beyond me at the moment).

Then comes the clincher. He tells me that he knows all about Sanskrit (and Cuneiform, too, BTW); he first learned about it by watching the movie Journey to the Center of the Earth and I suddenly realize that I have been trying to prove myself to someone I likely wouldn't bother with in RL. Someone who is probably a kid who lives in his parent's basement with his computer, his video games, and his movie collection. Someone I would not stoop to conquer in real life. How odd is that?

Now I feel like an idiot. I tp'ed home and sat on the couch and reread my conversation with him. Why on earth did I even in engage in that exchange? Okay, I was feeling cocky and smart (having won the contest and all), and I was coming off a week full of missteps and insecurities in RL (some of that has to do with goings on at work, a coworker with whom I can't work). And some of it has to do with the way the universe has been unkind about a number of real life romance things.

But still, I have behaved like an idiot. Had to prove myself. But to whom? And why? It did neither me nor Golden Boy any good to try to one up each other. And it ruined any chance of a normal conversation between us ever again.

Here's the thing about SL. We put on avatars and suddenly we need to be larger than life. We script our own movies. We are the stars of our own melodramas. What is up with that? Are the emotions higher in SL? Hearts worn on the sleeve and all? Or are we just so damn wrapped up in the roles we play that we forget about the other people in the movie with us?

I am a firm believer in Serendipity. That there are lessons all around us if we only take the time to listen rather than trying to force our own will on the universe. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe I'll just sit and ponder on this for a while.

A Second Life. . . or why am I here?

You are asking yourself what is this woman talking about? A second life? It's true . . . but to really understand my second life, you need to experience Second Life.

I admit it, I am addicted. I'd like to blame Bobby and Amanda who first mentioned it. Or Rhiannon who got me to watch over her shoulder, but the truth is I am a sucker for a good storyline and the beauty of SL is that you can write your own story. It is role playing. It is the holodeck and the replicator (that's Trekker speak) all rolled into one. It is another reality and it is escapism.

So because it was almost summer and I had the time, I joined. Two years ago today. Next I needed money. Gotta buy clothes (don't want to look a total noob) and bling  from the designers and the scripters (because SL is also capitalism at its finest). The money here is called "Lindens," and one US real dollar is worth around 250L. So for about the price of a cup of Starbucks coffee I can have 1000 Lindens to play with in the Second Life world(s). Not bad. You don't have to really eat, or mow the grass, or do the dishes (unless you want to--just about anything can be put into gestures, a string of actions that your character or avatar can do). This includes virtual sex.  Best of all though is the dancing. Alone on a club floor, in the arms of a handsome avatar, even all by yourself in the moonlight. 

And then there is SL sex. Think about it.  No bugs to catch. You can say YES. Maybe get money for saying yes, maybe get presents, maybe just do it because you want to connect to a special someone. And you can say NO. And no one can force you. Don't like the guy who is coming on to you? Mute button. He follows you around? Delete him from of your friends list and he can't see you. Corners you? TP (teleport) out. Harrasses you? Report him to the PTB. All in all that adds up to the potential for a lot of fun, and no foul.

Beware, though, SL is addicting. Don't let SL occupy you so much that you forget that you have a Real Life (tm) too. And don't mix them or there is a big broken heart potential. Don't share RL info in SL with anyone you do not know VERY well. Don't be surprised when (if you share SL info with them) RL friends think you need therapy.

A good thing to keep in mind is that this is role playing. Your avatar (your SL body) is both you and not you. You can look anyway you want. In fact, most of the avatars look like gorgeous sexy 20 somethings. Never assume that how the avatar looks is the same as how the person looks in RL! Many of us do try to stick somewhat close to our ideal RL selves. I am, for instance, really an RL blonde, but in RL my eyes are more grey than green or blue. Some of us choose to be another gender, or another creature. I can be a smoke demon. Or a lust demon. In SL we can have any face and hair and body and clothes we want (or can afford). We can have wings, fur, feathers, elf ears, vampire teeth, horns, scales, or tails. I know of one fellow who lives most of his SL life as a Cheetah. I've met another who was a robot. And there is no way to tell what anyone's real age is. All of this is NP (no problem) if we don't lose control, if we don't forget which life is which.

GFs are a Girl's Best Friend

So last night was another night that I sat in SL hoping for someone to come online to play. I could have been writing, or cleaning (gonna have RL company in 2 weeks), or doing something useful. I guess I did do something useful, I moved the waterfall wall we have (thanks Jhai!) to block the view of the stupid fleamarket next door with its revolving yellow signs. Here is the thing, though: once upon a time women sat alone at home by the phone waiting for someone to call. Today women check their cell phones for messages a dozen times an hour, waiting for a text, an email, a message. And if we play in Second Life, now we watch the Friends Online like a hawk, or we sit in SL waiting. Why do we do that? Why don't we just get up and go do something on our own? Why do we need playmates at all? Remember that feminist rant from the 70s: "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle?" Maybe we girls need to think like that again.

There I was feeling sorry for myself . . . no one to dance with, poor (sic!) me. Then Ash logged in. So we went to sit in Jhai's airship--it has a tea table set up in the nose where there is not only a great view, but you can sit and sip tea quietly and chat with a friend. We sat up drinking tea and chatting into the wee hours like a couple of teenagers. We talked about men and the problems of long-distance relationships. (Her boy, Wulf, is away this week and she will be away next week--no computer connections for two weeks! Somehow that made my troubles at the time pale in comparison.) We talked about places and furniture and clothes and even about airships. (Wulf has seen these and now he wants one.) It was a lovely evening. Girl talk. No boys.

So, ladies, next time you find yourself sitting by the phone (real or metaphoric) go hunt up a GF and hang. It is a much better way to pass the time.

A Song for Monday: "Her Morning Elegance" by Oren Lavie

The thunder makes her contemplate
She hears a noise behind the gate
Perhaps a letter with a dove
Perhaps a stranger she could love

And she goes
Nobody knows

Balancing my Tao with my Te

Interesting morning. I got a call from my big brother, Corwyn, about his Dao de Jing study group. He has been asking me to come for some time now, specifically to meet his friend Taras Balderdash, so I put on my favorite slinky qipao with black boots and joined him at Amatsu Shima.

Today was a larger crowd than is usual I suspect, since Corwyn and Suzanne had to put out extra cushions. Suzanne Logan runs the geisha house on Amatsu for which Corwyn acts as "hogosha" or bodyguard. I have met Suzanne before and am fairly sure she has a deep crush on Cor, just by the way she seems a bit suspicious of any woman with whom he hangs out. The irony here is that Cor really is my brother--in RL as much as in SL. Can't blame Suzanne for being jealous of my relationship with him. It is hard to explain. Even Draven was jealous at first (he saw my picture in Cor's profile and went ballistic once) until he got to know Corwyn and saw there was nothing sexual between us. Thing is, Corwyn like most men (Draven included!) is pretty oblivious to how attractive he is to women and how they see him. He treats Suzanne as the best of friends and ignores her overtures. She, being a tactful woman, doesn't press it.

So here I am at this Daoism discussion group. And Suzanne is putting her spin on the lesson. She has passed out three versions of the text in a notecard reader. She has also copied sections of notes from some other sources and is taking a very western and religious approach to the text. Corwyn's friend Taras is interpreting the text in the metaphysical approach, but with a Chinese religious sensibility. So I take the literal path. Not a good move I think. My first time there and I am arguing with both the established teachers, Taras and Suzanne. But that is me. Open mouth, insert foot, swallow. Then to top it off this was a day for typos. But what day in SL isn't. Hard to look like you might have a clue when you always get your numbers wrong and can't type fast worth a damn.

Thing is, in China, especially in ancient times, that threefold approach would make for a lively discussion. The thing scholars do is sit over tea and argue the multiple approaches to a text. But in China there would be no more than 4 people at the tea house table. Here there were 8 other people in the room, all struggling to get a word in edgewise. Even poor Corwyn had to repeat a comment 3 times before it was acknowledged. After a while I decided to just shut up, but by then the session was almost over.

Corwyn had made his bows and departed early as he had a poetry reading to attend. So, at the end, I made bows to all and made a point of especially thanking Suzanne and Taras, but I suspect by then they were just happy to see me leave. Ah well. I IMed Cor to thank him for inviting me, and he said: "You were great!" Which made me feel better. He after all is the one who is important to me here. And if the others are grateful that his pushy sinologist friend had finally left, well, then I can make them even happier by not returning.

I told Cor I will have him and Taras over for tea some day soon and we can have a civilized discussion of Chinese philosophy. If Taras comes over, I will make an effort not to, as Draven says I do, "keep my foot on the gas." I would actually like to get to know him since anyone who chooses a name like Taras Balderdash clearly has a good sense of humor.

Just one parting question: Does the irony of having a serious discussion of Daoism (or Taoism as popular spelling was today) by Westerners in medieval Japan in a virtual world (wearing a mix of clothing from formal Heian to child Neko to Southern Belle to blue skin to my own sing-song girl mini-skirt) strike anyone else as pretty damn amusing?

Frailty, thy name is woman . . .

Yesterday Draven had an hellacious day, and missed our date. This falls under the category of "Shit Happens." But I, with my frailties running full tilt in insecure mode, took all the stresses of the week and blew them out of proportion. I thought all kinds of self-pitying things when he was the one who was really having the bad day. Now I just feel foolish.

What is it about love that makes people behave badly, overreact, panic, flip out . . . all the cliches apply here. I have never been a woman to sit by a phone in Real Life (tm) hoping someone would call. But here I am sitting around Second Life just waiting for him. Hoping. What is it about this one man that can push all my buttons--good and bad--so hard?

And while I am fretting he is stressing in other ways, too. He reminds me that he is only human, can do only so much. He tells me I have an idealized image of him. Do I? I don't know. I do think he is my perfect other half in so many ways--a soul mate. Why? "I have no other but a woman's reason: I think him so, because I think him so."

Patience, I tell myself. This is just the path we have to walk. It is what it is. "Journeys end in lovers meeting, Every wise man's son doth know." I just need to have patience, and faith in Draven. And I need the gorram universe to cut us some slack.