Balancing my Tao with my Te

Interesting morning. I got a call from my big brother, Corwyn, about his Dao de Jing study group. He has been asking me to come for some time now, specifically to meet his friend Taras Balderdash, so I put on my favorite slinky qipao with black boots and joined him at Amatsu Shima.

Today was a larger crowd than is usual I suspect, since Corwyn and Suzanne had to put out extra cushions. Suzanne Logan runs the geisha house on Amatsu for which Corwyn acts as "hogosha" or bodyguard. I have met Suzanne before and am fairly sure she has a deep crush on Cor, just by the way she seems a bit suspicious of any woman with whom he hangs out. The irony here is that Cor really is my brother--in RL as much as in SL. Can't blame Suzanne for being jealous of my relationship with him. It is hard to explain. Even Draven was jealous at first (he saw my picture in Cor's profile and went ballistic once) until he got to know Corwyn and saw there was nothing sexual between us. Thing is, Corwyn like most men (Draven included!) is pretty oblivious to how attractive he is to women and how they see him. He treats Suzanne as the best of friends and ignores her overtures. She, being a tactful woman, doesn't press it.

So here I am at this Daoism discussion group. And Suzanne is putting her spin on the lesson. She has passed out three versions of the text in a notecard reader. She has also copied sections of notes from some other sources and is taking a very western and religious approach to the text. Corwyn's friend Taras is interpreting the text in the metaphysical approach, but with a Chinese religious sensibility. So I take the literal path. Not a good move I think. My first time there and I am arguing with both the established teachers, Taras and Suzanne. But that is me. Open mouth, insert foot, swallow. Then to top it off this was a day for typos. But what day in SL isn't. Hard to look like you might have a clue when you always get your numbers wrong and can't type fast worth a damn.

Thing is, in China, especially in ancient times, that threefold approach would make for a lively discussion. The thing scholars do is sit over tea and argue the multiple approaches to a text. But in China there would be no more than 4 people at the tea house table. Here there were 8 other people in the room, all struggling to get a word in edgewise. Even poor Corwyn had to repeat a comment 3 times before it was acknowledged. After a while I decided to just shut up, but by then the session was almost over.

Corwyn had made his bows and departed early as he had a poetry reading to attend. So, at the end, I made bows to all and made a point of especially thanking Suzanne and Taras, but I suspect by then they were just happy to see me leave. Ah well. I IMed Cor to thank him for inviting me, and he said: "You were great!" Which made me feel better. He after all is the one who is important to me here. And if the others are grateful that his pushy sinologist friend had finally left, well, then I can make them even happier by not returning.

I told Cor I will have him and Taras over for tea some day soon and we can have a civilized discussion of Chinese philosophy. If Taras comes over, I will make an effort not to, as Draven says I do, "keep my foot on the gas." I would actually like to get to know him since anyone who chooses a name like Taras Balderdash clearly has a good sense of humor.

Just one parting question: Does the irony of having a serious discussion of Daoism (or Taoism as popular spelling was today) by Westerners in medieval Japan in a virtual world (wearing a mix of clothing from formal Heian to child Neko to Southern Belle to blue skin to my own sing-song girl mini-skirt) strike anyone else as pretty damn amusing?

Visiting Blackburne

I've been to the Firefly Bar in Blackburne again. I like this little town. Draven was there, too, and we danced a for a bit. The folks are real friendly and don't look down their noses at me as a whore for being a Companion, as happens on some worlds on the edge, nor do they get all deferential, as on planets in the inner systems. Pretty nice people all around. It may be that as a companion here closer to Sihnon, I am more respectable than I would be on some Rim worlds.

After dancing in the Firefly bar, I ran into and chatted with Cholgosh, a Blackburne Enforcer. We sat on the porch across from the bar and listened to the reports coming in from Hale's Moon of a Reaver attack and something about robots, War bots. Blackburne has had its own troubles with dangerous human-killing robots on the edges of the town, I was told.

I must find out more about this sector of space if we will be visiting here with any regularity. Aside from not wanting to step on any toes locally (at one point Cholgosh's partner, a spunky woman named Amyla turned up, and I hastily moved to give her the seat next to him so as not to give her any reason to thank I was "treading on the hem of her skirts"), I also need to know what dangers we may face while in this port. When the porch began to get crowded with folks wanting to ask the Enforcer about the news over the Cortex, I slipped away.

I ran into my brother Corwyn down on the street. Since he's the one who first told me about this moon, I asked him about its defenses. He pointed to big guns mounted on top of some of the buildings. There is a huge ship in dock, too, but he tells me it is a Firefly class vessel -- cargo ship, no guns -- and gave me a bit of a tour. I could tell this was a ship with some history. The pilot, whoever he was, had a toy dinosaur and a palm tree on his console. This felt like a ship that was lived in . . . and loved. But the bottom line is that it wouldn't be much help if Reavers attack, except maybe to get a few of Blackburne's inhabitants out of here fast.

Yet again, SL Divorce hits the News

My friend Corwyn sent me this piece from the London Times: Second Life affair leads to real-life divorce for David Pollard, aka Dave Barmy. Now we've all heard the stories of SL romances breaking up RL marriages, Dutch and Tenaj, Rene and Dina, but bear with me here, folks, this one has a new twist. It began in Second Life in the first place!

"David Pollard and Amy Taylor met in an online chat room in 2003 and married after discovering a shared love of the internet game Second Life. . . . The couple met in an internet chat room in May 2003 and within six months Ms. Taylor had moved from London to Mr. Pollard's flat in Newquay, Cornwall. They married at a register office in St Austell in July 2005 and held a virtual wedding for their avatars in Second Life. "

That alone would make you think that the idea of a virtual love affair should not come as a surprise to the wife here, but no.

"Ms. Taylor, 28, filed for divorce on the ground of unreasonable behaviour after her husband admitted falling in love with the virtual female character. She discovered the affair after a rare break from her computer. When she returned from a nap she caught a glimpse of her husband's avatar in a compromising position on a sofa with a female avatar."

So she goes to take a nap and hubby, who fell in love with her on-line, falls for another woman on-line. But wait, there's more. Is this the first time hubby has messed about on wifey in SL?

"Ms Taylor's suspicions were aroused in 2007 and she hired a Second Life private investigator. The virtual sleuth, called Markie MacDonald, caught Dave Barmy in flagrante and he apologised to his online and real world wives."

So as far back as 2007 he had different SL and RL wives? Do we see a pattern beginning to emerge? And what do the unhappy couple have to say about it?

"She said: 'I was so hurt. I just couldn't believe what he'd done. It's cheating as far as I'm concerned, but he didn't see it as a problem and couldn't see why I was so upset. He said I was just making a big fuss and tried to make out it was my fault for not giving him enough attention.' . . . Mr. Pollard, 40, said yesterday that his former wife was more interested in her life online than she was in him. 'If I wanted to spend time with her I had to ask.'"

You know what is really sad about this? Not that they are divorcing. But that they are sad people who both blew it. Yes, BOTH. There were expectations on each side of that relationship that were not being met. One wonders if they ever even communicated their expectations to each other.

Wake up all you lovers, RL and SL, out there. Love is NOT easy. Like anything that is worthwhile, it takes hard work. If you expect your partner (RL or SL) to spend time with you you need to get off you real (or virtual) ass and spend time with them! Make time. Go on dates, dammit. Spend a romantic evening AT LEAST once a week doing something nice for the other person. Don't just wait for them to do stuff for you! Do stuff together.

Find things you have in common. Is he a craftsman in RL or builder in SL? Girl, get him to teach you or at least be there helping him, admiring and critiquing his work! She writes? Dude, read her blog/poetry/stories and offer your advice and support! Look for ways you compliment each other and for pity sake COMPLIMENT each other! If nothing else, SL offers worlds upon worlds to explore together, and guess what . . . SO DOES RL!

You know, the sex may have been what attracted you to each other, but the connections you forge are what keeps your partner coming back for more. If there isn't more there, boys and girls, someone is gonna go looking elsewhere.

An evening in Amatsu Shima

Amatsu Shima is a beautiful sim based in Medieval Japan. One of my oldest friends, Corwyn, is a hogosha to a Geisha house there and a member of the group that does recreation of Japanese history and culture.


Tonight he took me to see the new teahouse he had built. A lovely little building that could hold a tea master and four guests for a traditional Chado or Tea Ceremony. The landscaping around the teahouse including a beautiful little waterfall, was done by Suzanne Logan, who runs the geisha house and school there. The garden has a bamboo grove, flowered walkways, and a sweet little bench where we sat and chatted watching herons in The ocean waves crashing on the rocks, a cat circling among the flowers and the rocky paths, and two friends having quiet conversation. A lovely evening in all.

SL Sociology 101 by Corwyn Allen

[The following is an article written by an RL friend of mine who has recently discovered SL and who, familiar with the many masks of role-play, has taken a close look at what he sees in the world of SL fantasy. --Tsai]

All the World’s a Stage

So here I am, chatting up this lovely young avatar in Second Life, telling her how I’m going to eventually buy some land and start building a place of my own when she asks me, “So what will you be role-playing?” I had to take a long pause. I’d never heard that question asked in SL. Granted, I’ve only been playing a scant few months, but still, it’s not even a question I’d asked myself. Why? Because to me SL *is* role-playing. I mean, here we are, taking new names, creating new bodies for our avatars, and putting on clothing (or in some cases taking it off) that we’d never be able to wear in Real Life (RL from here on out). We’re creating characters that are sometimes extensions of how we see ourselves in our minds' eye, and sometimes characters that are so far away from who we are as to be completely unrecognizable by even the creators of that character. Then we create personal spaces, homes that are castles or pagodas, or high rise apartment buildings, sometimes even floating in the sky. And let’s not forget the virtual sex. It turns phone sex into a cheap date. Now if that isn’t role-playing, I’m not sure I know what is. To me, all of SL is role-playing no matter what you personally do with it.

You Can Lead a Horticulture…

I guess that needs clarification. There are many more different cultures in SL than one can ever find outside of science fiction or fantasy novels in RL. There are of course those that spill over from RL, the Goths, the Vampires, the Furries and others who inhabit Sci-Fi Cons (science fiction conventions to the initiated). These people create their own spaces and avatars that emulate what they do to a lesser degree in RL. The Nekos, or Cat People, are one example. These folks create avatars that look like Anime humanoid cats. I have seen examples of people in RL getting piercings and tattoos and even skin implants to emulate given animals, like one man who had implants put into his upper lip so he could attach cat whiskers, and then got cat’s eye contact lenses and wears ears and fur and cat makeup. And a guy who got an all body tattoo to resemble lizard scales and skin implants to make his head more lizard-like. These are considered extreme in RL, but in SL it’s all par for the course because the ears, whiskers, and even tails become part of your SL body. And you don’t need to mutilate your RL body to do it. In fact you can change your body any time you want. I only wish I had the physique in RL that I have given myself in SL. Woo-hoo!

Tripping the Light Fantasia

But let’s not forget the folks who just go for a relatively normal appearance. Ok, so there’s nothing “normal” about everyone looking like they just stepped out of Cosmo or Today’s Man, but that’s not the point. No one in SL, at least no one I’ve yet encountered, ever builds an avatar that looks enough like themselves in RL that you could put their RL picture up next to their SL picture and not be able to tell them apart. They want an idealized version of themselves. So even if they don’t go Goth or Neko or LGM from outer space they’re still a fantasy character.

So what does that mean? It means that we’re here for the fantasy. We can do things in SL we can’t do in RL. I’d love to be able to fly without having to use an airplane or even have wings. I’d love to be able to teleport from one place to another. But more than that, I’d love to be able to chat up or flirt with a pretty young woman I’ve never met without fear of getting hit with a sexual harassment suit, or just plain hit. (Ow!) But it’s even more than that. We’re here for the relationships. So let’s talk about that.

There are all kinds of things one can do in SL with a partner (or partners if that’s your thing). From simple cuddling on some cushions, to dancing to . . . well, you get the idea. And there are graphic, um, aids, that can enhance these experiences. And this leads to arousal of varying degrees in RL. I have to admit to feeling aroused while slow dancing with a pretty avatar. Just watching the avatars interact can be very stimulating. And once you get to intimate chatting with your partner the experience increases.

Only the Lonely?

So why do we come to SL to do this? I think because in many cases we simply can’t do it in RL. Oh sure, we might be able to if the opportunity presented itself, but that’s the point. For some people that opportunity is not going to present itself in RL for a variety of reasons. One person may not be what is considered physically attractive. Another may have the social skills of a goat. Yet another may simply be afraid of social encounters. But in SL you can find those opportunities in wild abundance. The chances for casually intimate (no, that’s not an oxymoron) relationships in SL are as abundant as wild flowers in a spring meadow. Let’s revisit the avatar’s appearance for a minute. Someone is going to build the most attractive avatar for themselves that they can. They've created a flower to attract butterflies. In RL they may not be that pretty flower and the people they would want to attract in RL wouldn’t give them the time of day. But in SL it’s easy. And once people come up to you or allow you to approach them the door is open to further social interaction.

But it’s not all about the appearance. That’s just the initial attractor. Remember I said that our characters are extensions of our RL selves. How we physically see ourselves in our own minds. So once the initial virtual pheromone has been sent out by way of the appearance of the avi (short for avatar) one now has to introduce the persona. We have to speak and act a certain way in order to maintain the attractiveness. Some personae, once they open their virtual mouths immediately turn other persons off no matter how attractive they are (gee, just like in RL). Still others have a way with words that enhance the visual attractiveness. This is what I call the Romance Factor.

Romancing the Grid

I think we are all looking for romance in one form or another. For some romance can take the form of the casual liaison or even just sex, virtual or otherwise (I have to pause here and quote a favorite writer, Spider Robinson, who had one of his characters comment on making love vs. just plain having sex as saying, “I tried fucking. There’s nothing wrong with it. There’s just not enough right with it”). For others it’s all about how the person you’re with makes you feel by what they say to you and how they phrase it. Some people in SL are looking for a girlfriend or boyfriend that they can’t manage to find in RL. Someone who makes them feel special or cherished. They come to SL because they’re lonely and need that romantic lift in their lives. They need to be able to speak openly and freely without fear of the consequences or repercussions one might encounter in RL. Some want to have multiple and varied partners perhaps because they don’t want to be tied to one avi or because their own fantasies cover different venues, one time being an elegant Regency Period gentleman, the next a Medieval Lord or a Harley Biker with a jet pack. The roles can change in SL. They don’t have to be static. And so the Romance Factor is further enhanced.

Lookin’ for Love in all the Virtual Spaces

We must, however be sure not to confuse virtual romance with real love. And of course that brings us to an interesting question. Just what is love and how does it equate through feeling romantic in a game? I’m not sure I know the answer to that. (Anyone? Bueller?) I think there is a danger of “falling in love” with an avatar as opposed to the persona behind the avatar. I’ve known at least one real person who has come to love an SL persona, but their relationship, while totally electronic (they live in different part of the country and have never met outside SL), has been fulfilling for both and they have related on both an SL and an RL level. This is a romance between the real people behind the personae, not just between role-played avatars or those avatars' personae.

In any case, I think one should approach SL relationships with caution. Feelings can be just as fragile in the virtual world as in the real. Be up front and be honest. You may find it’s much easier in SL than in RL. In fact, SL may actually make social interaction easier for the person who is more socially inept in RL who can interact here with people up front and honestly without being overtly offensive or worse, being terrified to act at all.

The Final Frontier

In summation, what we have is a lot of people leading dull, dreary, lonely or just plain uninteresting Real Lives looking for the excitement of romance in a personally tailored Second Life. But unlike RL, in SL you can put less in and get more out of it. But of course SL isn’t inhabited by only those looking for romance. A good time can be had by all, and that good time varies with personal interests. The intent of this article is to only focus on the role-playing and romance aspects of SL.

So at the end of the day we find ourselves drawn to our fantasies, be they bodice-ripping romance novels, a favorite television show in which we become invested in the characters on the screen, or Second Life. The real world around is vast, but at the same time too constricting. We must obey the laws, whether of physics or of government. We must be aware that in RL one person’s charming conversation is another person’s sexist or racist remark. If you bump into someone you should ask their pardon, and you can’t walk under water. But in SL, if at first you don’t succeed, redraw your avi and start again. No one is going to have you arrested, or sent to court and fined, and the worst that can happen is that you can get booted off SL for abuse (see their terms of agreement). You can do a lot with SL as long as you remember it’s only a role-playing fantasy and RL is still out there waiting for you to get up on Monday morning and go to work so you can continue to pay for your SL account and Internet access. Just a final word of caution; be careful about letting your SL spill over into your RL. That man you’re kissing may just turn out to be a woman.

Tea at Corwyn's

I visited my brother, Corwyn, the other day. He was showing off his new place and this lovely, new, comfy couch. I had green tea. He, as usual, had Irish whiskey.

Here's Wishing You all a Happy New Year filled with Love

2007 brought me into Second Life, and gave me a lot of wonderful new friends. 2008 will be my second year in SL, and I look forward to many more wonderful days with the friends and family I have in both my real and second lives.

So to all of those who have become dear to me: Rhiannon, Patrick, Insightis, Amanda, Bobby, Bes, Adair, Krew, Rojelio, Jamesen, Corwyn and Emerisella, Grim and Mari, Varuk, Doc, Woody, Karra, Katieh, Baron, Calv, Bastion, Maggy, Xanna, Partial, Crazy, Elanna and Macho, Jamien, Jara, Cat and Star, MC2U, Nhoj, Jeanine and Jane, Nerdi, Nixon and Serenity, Justinfra, Jordan, Starman, BigE, Burke, Callie, Ryker, Trinity, Raza, Stella, Anatol, Kilroy, Roy, Malcolm, Jinara, Dabrin, Jhai, and Draven . . . and to all of you I have met and hope to meet again in the coming year . . .

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

A Song for Corwyn: "Catch the Wind" by Donovan

This song is for all the SL lovers out there and for my friend Corwyn who pointed out to me just how fitting the lyrics are to SL relationships. . . .