Where I have been. Where I am. Where I am going.

I had an urge to blog today. Had to remember my password. Had to find my login. And then I look at my last post and, lo!, it has been five years since I have been here! FIVE years! Where has time gone? So much water under so many bridges.

I stopped posting all those years ago because it was too painful. If you recall, I was once upon a time deeply in love with a man in SL (let's call him Boston). It affected my RL. He had an RL with a wife and kids. So he broke it off with me. And I was broken. Devastated. Funny how rejection from someone many states away could so greatly affect my both my lives, SL and RL. The last time I spoke to him was well over 6 years ago. Since then I have come to understand the wisdom in the way he broke it off (cold turkey) with me. I have also come to question how much this affair was a fantasy (perhaps of my imagining more than his).

Water under a bridge... mostly. I miss him still. But I think he was wise to dump me hard.

Why? Because over the last five years, my RL Beloved has been having an affair with a woman (call her Michigan) several states away. Much as Boston and I did, my RL man sends cute romantic texts to her, tells her he loves her, has become emotionally attached. Just as Boston made it patently clear to me (all through our brief virtual affair) that he was not leaving his wife, so Best Beloved makes it clear to Michigan that he is not leaving me and that they are just flirty friends.

The irony here is that I know all about Michigan, just as Best Beloved knew all about Boston. (Although, I do not think D ever confessed about me to his wife--or if he did I wonder how he explained it? She means nothing? It was just a game?) The two love affairs are both remarkably similar and completely different.

Let's be clear here, my RL man did have a physical RL affair with real, not virtual sex. It was just one weekend in a hotel in Toledo. When he came home he confessed all. I lost my shit and told him he had to end it with her. He did and he didn't. She moves in a group of people with whom we are RL friends. I can't help bumping into her at various functions. She has told me he is her "soul mate." He says she is "just a good friend." But he continues to talk to her and flirt with her. And this last summer things got physical again. Not sex. Just kissy face and patty finger physical. But it hurt. I considered leaving him and he lost his shit. Doesn't want to lose me. We spent time in counseling. I have spent a lot of the last five years being real. 

I probably should be happy Beloved is honest with me. But what it really means is if he can have his fantasy life with her in emoticons in text messages and a series of what if or if only conversations, he is good with that. He has his cake at home, me, and he is eating it too, with her.

Some of my bridges are washing away in the flood....

And this Dear Reader is why I have not been writing. Life is all confusing. Do I still love him? Not sure. Am I lonely. Oh yeah. Because while S is busy emoting with P, he is not talking to me. We move like ghosts through this big house. Living separate lives together.

Stay tuned for how This Girl went back to looking for love in SL while she makes decisions about RL....

Song du Jour: Someone Like You - Adele

Today's Song: "Fallin'" by Alicia Keys

A musical present for a man who will probably never see it, who never looks here, who has been gone now for as long as he was here. I keep trying to walk away from from him, from the memories, but I still think of him every single day, I will miss him t we had every day for the rest of my life.

It has been a long time...

Haven't felt like blogging much of late. April was a rough month in RL. Way too many funerals. Early May just reminded me of all I have lost in SL and in RL. I turned 4 years old in SL on May 13th. Four years ago at this time I met a man in Second Life. Falling in love with him was one of the most intense and beautiful things I have ever experienced.

 Our "anniversary" is coming up this week. I loved him. Still love him. We had an amazing couple of years together, but our SL spilled over into our RL and he left me. I still am not sure what went wrong. We tried being friends instead of lovers, but he has drifted farther and farther away and now I never hear from him anymore. I still think of him every day. And every single time I think of him I still feel the cold empty ache of that loss.

Mostly that's why I have not been in SL and why I have not been blogging.

As he used to say: It is what it is.

Quote du Jour: from "Epilogue" by Mark Tredinnick

    There will come
         a morning             
 I don’t wake and think first of you. 
                             But that day can wait.


See the entire poem here at Terrain.org. 

A poem for a Lost Love

When We Two Parted
by George Gordon Byron
When we two parted In silence and tears, Half broken-hearted To sever for years, Pale grew thy cheek and cold, Colder thy kiss; Truly that hour foretold Sorrow to this. The dew of the morning Sunk chill on my brow-- It felt like the warning Of what I feel now. Thy vows are all broken, And light is thy fame; I hear thy name spoken, And share in its shame. They name thee before me, A knell to mine ear; A shudder comes o'er me-- Why wert thou so dear? They know not I knew thee, Who knew thee too well-- Long, long shall I rue thee, Too deeply to tell. In secret we met-- In silence I grieve, That thy heart could forget, Thy spirit deceive. If I should meet thee After long years, How should I greet thee?-- With silence and tears.

--shamelessly stolen borrowed from www.poets.org
(check out all their Valentine's Day poems at: Love Poems

Song for a New Year: "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele

The scars of your love, remind me of us.
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling...

We could have had it all....

Strange Dream

I had the oddest dream with D in it last night. I was in a house that was full of people who were having a secret meeting--I was pretty sure they were industrial spies. Some had come dressed as pirates. They all brought their own folding chairs. I had to stand because I had no chair. The guards on the front porch had guns. One of them told me D was across the street in the darkness, but I couldn't see him. I was thinking that I wanted to see him so much. To see his face, his real face. Then the police arrived and in the chaos D grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the house. He was dressed in a black jumpsuit like a ninja. He looked like the picture he'd sent me long ago--with beard and mustache. But his hair was very short and dark. He didn't say a word. I asked for a kiss, but he wouldn't kiss me; he just shook his head, took my hand and we ran. We ended up at a rocket ship about to launch. On board there were a lot of blue canvas hammocks full of people. Only one empty hammock was left. The captain was a tall white-haired elegant woman. She told me D was wanted for questioning but I knew if we left on the ship now we wouldn't be stopped. D never said a word but we got into the one hammock left and strapped in. I was thinking that I liked sharing the hammock even if he wouldn't kiss me. I was so happy to be in his arms again. I woke up as the ship warmed up for take off.

I woke at 12:41am thinking this dream was so vivid I just had to write it down. Bizzare, huh? I haven't had D appear in my dreams in almost a year. But then it was just a year ago this week that he broke up with me. Exactly one year ago that he abandoned Valis. 


Wonder who's living there now.

Wonder what he was dreaming at 12:41 am last night.