Do you ever think of me?...

Source: via Elizabeth on Pinterest

My poetry choice for today... and for D

If My Voice Is Not Reaching  You
by Afzal Ahmed Syed
If my voice is not reaching you      add to it the echo—      echo of ancient epics      And to that—      a princess      And to the princess—your beauty      And to your beauty—      a lover's heart      And in the lover's heart      a dagger

from Poets.org

Sunday's song: "Bring On The Wonder" ~ Susan Enan

Song du Jour: "Undo it" Carrie Underwood

This song is for Silver. Keep singing this, Baby, & it will be all right. 


I should've known by the way you passed me by
There was something in your eyes and it wasn't right
I should've walked, but I never had the chance
Everything got out of hand, and I let it slide

Now I only have myself to blame
For falling for your stupid games
I wish my life could be the way
It was before I saw your face

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely, and took me for a ride
And I wanna undo it

You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna undo it

Now your photos don't have a picture frame
And I never say your name, and I never will
And all your things, well, I threw them in the trash
And I'm not even sad

Now you only have yourself to blame
For playing all those stupid games
You're always going to be the same
Oh no, you'll never change

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely, and took me for a ride
And I wanna undo it

You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna undo it

You want my future, you can't have it
I'm still trying to erase you from my past
I need you gone so fast

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely, and took me for a ride
And I wanna undo it

You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna undo it

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely, and took me for a ride
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna undo it

Love Sometimes Sucks

When I was a kid I hated amusement park rides. That awful sinking, kicked-in-the-gut feeling that you get as the rollercoaster heads down from the peaks, the slammed against the wall feeling the as the tilt-a-whirl throws you from side to side unexpectedly, and let's not forget the carousel. I actually liked carousels until I realized that you are always trapped going in circles and, even if the ups and downs aren't painful, you still can't get off the damn thing and it goes absolutely nowhere.

Now that I am all grown up not only do I still dislike amusement parks, but I find love is an amusement park, too.

Only now the kicked in the gut feeling is more like kicked in the heart. A hard burning knife-like pain. The heart is a pretty strong muscle, but it seems to have a very short memory sometimes. And any euphoria you felt a few minutes before can come all crashing down with a few nasty words. So not only do you feel pain, you also feel the urge to inflict pain back. And not only do you spiral down and get slammed against the walls that you each have put up, but you both lash out. You make it worse.

Here's the thing, if you want to make it work, make it last, and make it able to weather the ups and downs of the human emotional rollercoaster, you need to remember three rules:

1. Don't assume the worst. Talk. Get answers, and correct info. Then talk some more. And listen, listen carefully. Then talk again, and be honest. Communication will go a long way toward solving the problems that cause pain--especially if you meet your partner half way and can compromise where you conflict. Conflict will always happen--that's human--it is how we deal with it that conflict that keeps love alive.
2. Never get so caught up in your pain that you forget your partner is probably hurting as well. Sometimes when we get hurt we lash out at each other and the resulting damage escalates badly back and forth. If one of the two of you has the courage to say "I will not seek revenge," there is hope. If you each can say that, well then, there is real love there. And you will survive the down turns.
3. Say you are sorry. To paraphrase a famous quote: Love means always having to say you are sorry. And accepting that apology as well. Someone once told me that "sorry is a coin that wears thin over time." That is true. But it is also the best coin--maybe the only--coin you can spend when you are in the throes of pain and anger. None of us are perfect. We tend to make the same mistakes over and over. If you love, really love someone, you will give them the chance to say they are sorry and mean it. You will say you are sorry and mean it, too.

If you are luck enough to have found real love, true love, then you need to work on keeping it. Don't settle for anything less.

Song for a strange Friday: Never Too Late

This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong
Who would have guessed it...

Even if I say
It'll be all right...
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late...

The world we knew
Won't come back
The time we've lost
Can't get back
The life we had
Won't be ours again...

And I have left alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like
It's not too late
It's never too late...

Song for a silent Sunday: The Engine Driver by the Decemberists

And I am a writer, writer of fictions
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones

I am a writer, I am all that you have hoped on
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones
My bones
My bones

A song for a raw-around-the-edges Thursday: Sarah McLachlan "Do What You Have To Do"

What ravages of spirit conjured this temptuous rage?
Created you a monster; broken by the rule of love.
And fate has led you through it,
You do what you have to do.
Oh, and fate has led you through it,
You do what you have to do.
But I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go.

Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul.
I'm ever swiftly moving; trying to escape this desire.
The yearning to be near you,
I do what I have to do.
Oh, the yearning to be near you,
I do what I have to do.
And I have the sense to recognize that I don’t know how to let you go.
I don’t know how to let you go.

A glowing ember, burning hot, and burning slow.
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you.
I know I can't be with you,
I do what I have to do.
I know I can't be with you,
I do what I have to do.
And I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go.
I don't know how to let you go.
I don't know how to let you go.

When I need you to talk to me...

It has been a rough week. You know those days when everything just feels off? And you start making the little circles in your head . . . he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

I know Draven has been really busy. RL gets in our way so much these days. Sometimes he says, "We are in a good place." Which to me means he is comfortable with us just as we are. Why then do I feel like he's farther away than he used to be? For a fairly tough cookie I can be bloody insecure.

I wanted to talk to him about it Monday, but he wasn't there, only Wren was in-world. She had twenty questions for me: what was new with Rhi? Had I seen Seth lately? Who was that guy [Jamesen] I used to talk art with? What is he doing these days? Have I heard from Kilroy lately? I began to wonder if she was quizzing me for Draven. She does tell him evereything--little sis to big brother. Did he ask her to ask me? Was he worrying that I was seeing someone else? Was he seeing someone and was she trying to break it to me gently? Were my hormones in a dither and making me paranoid for no good reason?

Tuesday got crazy so I didn't get to talk to Draven in the morning. You know a half a year ago I would have heard from him 10 times a day. A year and a half ago I heard from him once or twice a week. Where we are now--chat once a day, an email here and there, in-world for a bit every other night or so--really does seem to be a balance point. So why am I so greedy for more of his time. For more of him? Selfish woman. Well, I thought, we have a date for a long romantic evening Wednesday night. We will talk about all this, and laugh at my foolishness, and it will be all better.

Now here I am Wednesday, I've put on a pretty dress, and I am sipping tea in Jhai's shuttle waiting for him. But haven't heard from him. He was supposed to be here at 5pm or so, and it is going on 9pm. He was on the road in RL today. I can't help feeling something has happened. He wouldn't stand me up, would he? He'd IM if something happened and he couldn't make it wouldn't he?

Where are you, my heart, when I need you to talk to me?

Quote du Jour: Cesare Pavese

"No one ever kills himself for the love of a woman, but because love--any love--reveals us in our nakedness, our misery" --Cesare Pavese

Song for a Second Life Thursday: "U Want Me 2" by Sarah McLachlan

This is a hauntingly beautiful song.

The two things that caught my attention are the title, which is in chat speak, and the phrase in the lyrics that speaks of "Our eden . . . A made-up story to fit the picture-perfect world." Sounds like Second Life to me.

Song du Jour: TaeYang's "Look At Only Me"

UH...
IT'S BEEN ON MY MIND FOR A WHILE
GOT TO LET THIS OFF MY CHEST
BEFORE...IT'S TOO LATE
I CAN'T LET YOU GO
YOU GOT TO LET HIM GO
I CAN'T LET YOU GO
YOU GOT TO...LISTEN

I’ve been telling you everyday
I smile when I see you.
I’ve told you so many times
You’re the love of my life.
In this world full of lies, in my nervous heart
the one thing I believe in is you.
When you get nervous thinking that my feelings may change
Remember I laughed when I told you that would never happen.
A direction with no end,
my completely empty heart
The only place I can lean on is you.
And I hate that my heart sometimes wavers
Even today I get carried away by the world
and you get erased

Even if I cheat
Don’t you ever cheat, Baby
Even if I forget you
Don’t you ever forget me, Lady
If once in a while I don’t contact you
and I go out to drink
Even if I ever meet another girl’s gaze
Look only at me.

When you tell me with tears in your eyes
that you spent all night waiting up for me
you say “I think you changed.”
So many nights you ask me to tell you
that my feeling are the same as when I first met you.
Although it seems that I am miserable without you
Honestly sometimes you suffocate me
The never ending arguments
The long sighs.
Although the only place for you to lean is on me
I hate that sometimes I get sick of you
Even today I smile
and lose myself without my knowledge

Even if I cheat....

I know well that I’m self-centered
And I spend my days in meaningless activities
Becoming filthier, baby.
I want to leave your purity as it is,
this is my sincerity, my belief in you
Don’t leave me even in death

Even if I cheat...
Look only at me.

Chanson du Jour: Pat Benatar's "Love Is A Battlefield"

Do I stand in your way or am I the best thing you've had?...

Believe me, believe me, I can't tell you why, But Im trapped by your love, and I'm chained to your side...

No promises no demands...

Love is a battlefield.

A song for a strange Friday: Never Too Late

This world will never be what I expected...

Even if I say it will be all right...

Maybe we'll turn it around,
"cause its not too late...

It's never too late.

Monday's song: "Time After Time"

a Cyndi Lauper song, sung by Shaenon...

A Song for Jamesen: Nightwish's "Bye Bye Beautiful"

This song was written by Nightwish lyricist Tuomas for Tarja, and speaks of a man's unrequited love.

Saturday's Song: "Do What You Gotta Do" by Meg Baird

Chanson de la nuit: "Cadence of her last breath" by Nightwish

Why do I miss someone
I never met, with bated breath I lay
Seawinds brought her to me
A butterfly, mere one-day miracle of life
And all the poetry in the world
Finally makes sense to me

Quote for tonight: from Kahlil Gibran

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you, yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you, believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

--from The Prophet by Khalil Gibran

Song du Nuit: "Strong Enough"

Nothing’s true and nothing’s right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can’t change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I’ll believe
Lie to me
But please don’t leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It’s try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?