If It Feels Real: Sex, Harrassment, & Rape in Virtual Worlds

This week a friend of mine got griefed/harassed in Second Life by a woman who thought he was a man who had harassed her. The whole thing got so out of hand that he ended up filling an incidence report on the incensed and abusive woman who was herself a victim. Turns out the actual original harasser of the woman had a name a couple letter off of my friend's SL name. Ironic, no? The whole thing reminded me of a post I wrote back in February of 2008, so I thought I would repost it again. 

February 2008:
A while back there was an article in Virtually Blind about the Belgian police investigating an alleged rape that took place in Second Life last April. Now the first thing that comes to mind is that SL is a computer based user-controlled environment, is any sort of "rape" even possible? GameGrene has a very good article by Shataina on the issue of "Rape in RPGs" that everyone operating sexually in any virtual world should read.

One of the things I find most fascinating, though, is the wide variety of opinions that are still being generated on virtual world forums (the most recent response to the Virtually Blind story was just last week, the responses to Shataina's article in GameGrene went on for over two years with the last only a couple months ago). Why does the idea of rape or even sexual harassment of an imaginary figure push so many hot buttons for us? Most of the responses to this issue point out that the avatar is controlled at a "safe" distance, that there is no reason the person behind the av can't just tp out, mute the assailant, or turn off the computer and walk away. Other responders point out the strong identity connection to the av that the real person behind the controls has and how such an assault could disorient the real person behind the av.

The fact of the matter is that there are clear cases of sexual harassment in SL. I've met male avatars (thankfully not a lot) who have launched into graphic descriptions of what they "are doing" to my avatar--descriptions that involved graphic sexuality up to and including forcible rape scenarios. My response to that kind of behavior--if they don't take the initial response of "No thank you! I am not interested in having virtual sex with you!"--is generally something like: "are you such a lousy lover that you find it necessary to force yourself on women like this often?" My second response is to mute them. But I can see how, to someone who is young or insecure or (worse!) someone who has been a victim in RL, such an "attack" does in fact feel like rape. Is it prosecutable? Probably not. But you can report it and maybe even get an "attacker" banned from SL for such behavior (see: How to File an Incident Report).

The bottom line is that this issue is real. While it may not be rape, it certainly is rude, and that is ultimately not acceptable behavior. And lest we not forget, ladies, this door swings both ways. I'm heard from men in SL, too, that they have been put off of virtual sex because of pushy or aggressive women (all too often these are escorts looking for business). Many times in RL sexual assault cases turn into "He Said/She Said" debates. The point here is not to debate the issue, but to adhere to some standards of polite behavior to avoid such conflicts in the first place. Here are a few simple guidelines:

1. First and foremost, be certain the person you are chatting up is really interested in sex with you BEFORE launching into aggressive or sexually graphic chat. Ask not just once, but 2 or 3 times: "Say I'd like to make love to you . . . would you like to come back to my place?" If he or she says "no," that's it. Game over. No means no.

2. Pay attention to the cues they are sending you. Are they really responding to your flirtations? Or are they making polite non-committal noises? Much of the innuendo and inflection of real conversation can be lost in the use of IMs. Don't assume everyone is into virtual sex. Don't rush anyone into bed, don't let anyone drag you there against your better judgment. (An addendum to this one for escorts is that if you have not negotiated a price UP FRONT before the deed, then you don't get paid. Extortion after the fact is just as unacceptable as sexual harassment.)

3. If you are not comfortable with what someone is saying when they are flirting with you, tell them to stop. Tell them you aren't interested. If all else fails stop talking except for typing an an emote in the public chat like: "/me SLAPS YOU HARD ACROSS THE FACE". BTW, gentlemen, even if that person harassing you is a woman who doesn't want to take no for an answer, you can go ahead and slap her, too. Sometimes someone gets so caught up in the role they are playing they forget that not everyone wants to play along. You need to get your assailant's attention to make them stop.

4. If you are in a public sim, like a club, appeal to the owner or host for assistance. Sometimes a third party can get the attention of the assailant who is just lost in their own fantasy. At the very least a sim owner deserves to know what is going on so he or she can ban such a person from the sim and stop them from harassing others there.

5. If all else fails mute them, leave the area, or log off.

Sex, whether in SL or RL can be a wonderful mutual connection, a joyful coming together of willing lovers, of consensual adults. It should never be one-sided or hurtful. Being aware of your potential lover's real wants and needs, their stopping points and their go-aheads, is part of the learning curve of love. Take the time to do it right.

Sex With A New Guy

Cosmopolitan magazine, every girl's guide to life, the universe, and everything, has a great article on Sex With A New Guy that gives a lot of useful pointers on sex in the real world:

"Getting intimate with a new person can be clumsy," says Chris Fariello, PhD, director of the Institute for Sex Therapy, in Philadelphia. You aren't completely comfortable with each other yet. Plus, there's so much at stake the first time — if the sex is bad, you could second-guess the budding relationship. These four rules will make it completely enjoyable.

Good advice here, and both men and women can benefit from it. But for those of us who like sex in virtual worlds as well as real, those who seek quality passionate moments in Second Life, the rules are a bit different. Here are my adaptations of those same "four rules" for SL.

Rule 1: Don't Jump the Gun
Foreplay is just as important in SL as in RL. But in the virtual setting the foreplay doesn't just begin in the moment that you jump on those pose balls, it starts from your first conversation. Treat every potential sex partner as you would like to be treated from day one, from that very first flirtatious exchange. If you go slow, the build up of desire and anticipation even before you get to the main act can be what takes you from ho- hum mutual masturbation to a mind-boggling connection.

Once you have (mutually) determined that you will hit the (virtual) sheets together, take a second or two to send little daily IMs (even if he is not on) just letting him know how much you are looking forward to the encounter. Emote things like I am imagining your hands on me right now, I want to whisper my fantasies in your ear, or When I see you log in my breath catches and heart begins to beat faster. The rule here is subtle. You know those explicit emotes the stripper on the pole in the club is throwing out at all the guys--you don't want to go there, yet. Save those for when you are at the main event.

And when the time comes, take the time to verbally undress for your partner and to verbally undress him (/me slips warm fingers into your waistband and unbuckles your belt. /me slips my blouse first off one shoulder then the other.)

Foreplay in SL is the verbal repartee that lets your partner know you find him (or her) desirable and can barely bear to wait, but also that s/he is worth waiting for.

Rule 2: Acknowledge Awkward Moments
In real life this is when the biology fails us. Nervousness makes hard things soft and wet things dry. In SL that is not where the problems arise (no pun intended). In virtual sex there are no biological failures, you are touching you and he is touching himself.  However, communication is the key here and, let's face it, when we get excited we can often barely type, let alone spell, and there is no time for spell check in virtual sex! Then there is the issue of typing one-handed. Planning this scene out in your head beforehand can help. Even having a list of cut and paste emotes may be useful.

Using voice solves a number of those problems, but can raise others. One or both of you may be intimidated by dirty-talk out loud. If voice is no problem go for it, but be willing to do text if your partner expresses any discomfort. And if you finally do get to hear that sexy fellow's voice be prepared that it may not match the avatar! If you are going to get into voice keep it low and slow: you can cultivate a sexy voice even if you weren't born with one.

Through it all remember: you have to be willing to go with the flow! If all your emotes are about tying her to the bed and she wants to be on top, neither of you is going to have fun. This is a two-way conversation or you might as well be watching porn and doing it alone. Take some time to talk her (or him) slowly  into your fantasy (see rule 1!). Let it develop for your partner by giving them time to react and respond. And listen--really listen--for your partner's reactions.

Rule 3: Say Something Nice
Let's face it, half the joy of good sex is when your partner gets off on it, too. It's the ubiquitous question: Was it good for you? We all want to please as much as we want to be pleased. (If you are one of the few to whom that doesn't matter you can quit reading now and go back to masturbating all alone.) For most of us feedback is a good thing, but on a first encounter you should always keep it simple and positive.

In SL, where you can't see facial and body reactions, feedback becomes even more critical. Tell your partner what you liked. Yes, you can also talk about what you each didn't like (later), but how much easier--and more pleasant to focus on the good.  "OMG, baby, when you said _____ I had the most amazing _____" may be a bit over the top. Or not. Know your audience I always say. But a simple basic "I love that you are/said/did" lets your partner know that s/he is more than cartoon porn to you. In a virtual world we have to sometimes take an extra step or two to be "real" to each other. And we need to remember that orher cartoon in the bed is a real person with real feelings as well.

Rule 4: Hold Back from Getting Crazy Acrobatic
Now here is where SL really breaks away from reality.  In SL you can be as bizarrely creative (and I have seen some bizarre pose balls) as the animations allow.  But for your first time together, keeping it simple is a good idea. (Remember paragraph three in rule 2 above!) Take time to learn each others likes and dislikes, take time to talk about your desires, fantasies,and take time to learn your partner's tastes before you buy that vampire sex swing with the cream pie attachments.

Since genitals and sexual equipment is also virtual (as well as detachable, resizable, and available in a variety of species) there are some creative things you can do in your SL sex play. But again, for that first encounter, you may want to leave the 6' penis and the giant butterfly shaped clit in your inventory and just go with normal genitalia. Go slow. Once you get to know each other better there will be time for all the crazy sex games you can dream of. After all this is the place to do those things that are NPIRL (Not Possible in Real Life)!
                           
That's it. Hope this advice has been useful. And I also hope you are having all the SL sex fun you can grab with both hands. Where else but in Second Life can you meet beautiful people, with whom you can connect on an intimate level of the mind, as well as having some good old fashioned sex-play with no RL biological consequences? So play nice, kids and share the toys!

Wonderland: Virtual Adultery and Cyberspace Love (Part 1)

So tell me, gang, how many of you think cybersex is cheating?

Trying to Listen to What the Universe is Saying

Do you ever wonder if the universe is trying to tell you something?

Seems like lately my secondlife is taking a back seat to everyone else's real lives. All right I hear you saying that it has been a holiday season and all. And maybe it is just because the RL holiday was incredibly painful this year (and no, I am not going into that!). But just now when I have the time finally to play in SL, no one else does! What is up with that?

Jinara is off somewhere (no doubt pouting over another man now that Hawk has gone MIA--not seen since November), and most everyone else in the family seems to be MIA, too. Jhai keeps complaining that she is way behind on her RL work and so can only come on briefly. Japh got his heartbroken by Wren, then chased Jinara around a bit but said she felt too much like his baby sister, and I haven't seen him since before way before Christmas. Ash and Wulf (new members of our SL family, also new to SL) only have eyes for each other. Heron flashes past now and again, but is always on her way to go camping or shopping. Haven't seen Dabrin, Mal, or Wren in ages! And then there is Draven. Of late even Draven hasn't had much time to play in SL, since he is incredibly busy with RL.

As people come and go in SL I remember those who haven't see ages. I miss long evenings exploring, walks on the beach in Purfect Droom, dancing in Blue Noise or Lotus Moon, cuddling in Valis.

Purfect Droom is gone now. Blue Noise is empty. Under new management since Rhiannon ran off with that Australian DJ Neo. Katieh, the new manager, hasn't done much more than rebuild, no grand reopening yet and when I stop by the place is deader than dead.

I used to go dancing, used to flirt, tease, I was the party girl. When I look back over nearly 2 years that I have been in SL I see that I have gone from being the bad girl to being a very domestic stay at home girl.

So why is it that when my friends are not around, the universe keeps throwing other opportunities in my face? Suddenly I have been hearing from men I used to keep company with. Don't get me wrong, no one has thrown themselves into my lap and begged for my attention. They just pop up and say "Hi." People on my friends list that I haven't seen in ages.

Like my old boss from Lotus Moon. The one who was always trying to talk us girls into the back room for a quickie where his wife couldn't see. And "blacktrenchcoatman" (names will be changed to protect the guilty) who always came into BN and wanted to tickle or lick me [Note to my male readers: saying "lick" or "tickle" is not the equivilent of saying hello!] And Mr.Mystic who offers to teach you the secrets of the enlightenment--in his bed. And good old Mr.Wrong, who although he is better than he was since he got a regular girlfriend, still starts most conversations by asking for a blow job. And let us not forget the guy who made an avatar just for me so we could (Ha! He wished!) have sex without him "cheating" on his SL partner.

Why just now when I am feeling lonely are all these guys turning up again?

And here's the thing. I don't know whether or not to be insulted that the universe is putting men in my path I don't even want. Do the Powers That Be think I am so easy? Or do they think I have no taste? Or are they protecting me by sending men I won't be tempted by? It is not that I don't have men in my life that I can't hang with and have fun. I love talking literature with Jamesen, or going to art shows and clubs with Corwyn. But as much as I care about both of them, they are not my family like Jinara and Mal, Dabrin and Jhai, Heron and Hawk, Wren, and Draven.

Angels and Demons at Blue Noise Hideaway

Last night was an "Angels and Demons" event at Blue Noise Hideaway in Waterton, so I dug out my favorite Seraphim wings from Material Squirrel and put my dancing shoes on (my favorite Diamond Stilettos from Awori Cassini) and headed on down. My angel outfit top and thong are the FaeSilks Ice Princess from Suki's Silks, but the with that top skirt was lace and I just didn't like the look of it, so I wore the white Harem Skirt, also by Suki, which fastened nicely to my thong with its bit of gold jewelry. My jewelry is the Ode in Amber series from Random Calliope's most recent butterfly hunt--a gift I got from a special man who went collecting the jewelry laden butterflies on Valentine's Day. I was pretty pleased at the mix and match angel outfit, especially since my fur cuffs gave off fairy lights and my halo (a freebie I picked up ages ago) and shoes had lots of bling! I was the brightest angel in the bunch! Here's my angelic boys from another angle, that's Jerzy on the left and Porkie on the right, and there's Katie, MicahJohn, Cutiepie, and Zach in the background. Another fun evening for everyone at the Blue Noise!

SL Sociology 101 by Corwyn Allen

[The following is an article written by an RL friend of mine who has recently discovered SL and who, familiar with the many masks of role-play, has taken a close look at what he sees in the world of SL fantasy. --Tsai]

All the World’s a Stage

So here I am, chatting up this lovely young avatar in Second Life, telling her how I’m going to eventually buy some land and start building a place of my own when she asks me, “So what will you be role-playing?” I had to take a long pause. I’d never heard that question asked in SL. Granted, I’ve only been playing a scant few months, but still, it’s not even a question I’d asked myself. Why? Because to me SL *is* role-playing. I mean, here we are, taking new names, creating new bodies for our avatars, and putting on clothing (or in some cases taking it off) that we’d never be able to wear in Real Life (RL from here on out). We’re creating characters that are sometimes extensions of how we see ourselves in our minds' eye, and sometimes characters that are so far away from who we are as to be completely unrecognizable by even the creators of that character. Then we create personal spaces, homes that are castles or pagodas, or high rise apartment buildings, sometimes even floating in the sky. And let’s not forget the virtual sex. It turns phone sex into a cheap date. Now if that isn’t role-playing, I’m not sure I know what is. To me, all of SL is role-playing no matter what you personally do with it.

You Can Lead a Horticulture…

I guess that needs clarification. There are many more different cultures in SL than one can ever find outside of science fiction or fantasy novels in RL. There are of course those that spill over from RL, the Goths, the Vampires, the Furries and others who inhabit Sci-Fi Cons (science fiction conventions to the initiated). These people create their own spaces and avatars that emulate what they do to a lesser degree in RL. The Nekos, or Cat People, are one example. These folks create avatars that look like Anime humanoid cats. I have seen examples of people in RL getting piercings and tattoos and even skin implants to emulate given animals, like one man who had implants put into his upper lip so he could attach cat whiskers, and then got cat’s eye contact lenses and wears ears and fur and cat makeup. And a guy who got an all body tattoo to resemble lizard scales and skin implants to make his head more lizard-like. These are considered extreme in RL, but in SL it’s all par for the course because the ears, whiskers, and even tails become part of your SL body. And you don’t need to mutilate your RL body to do it. In fact you can change your body any time you want. I only wish I had the physique in RL that I have given myself in SL. Woo-hoo!

Tripping the Light Fantasia

But let’s not forget the folks who just go for a relatively normal appearance. Ok, so there’s nothing “normal” about everyone looking like they just stepped out of Cosmo or Today’s Man, but that’s not the point. No one in SL, at least no one I’ve yet encountered, ever builds an avatar that looks enough like themselves in RL that you could put their RL picture up next to their SL picture and not be able to tell them apart. They want an idealized version of themselves. So even if they don’t go Goth or Neko or LGM from outer space they’re still a fantasy character.

So what does that mean? It means that we’re here for the fantasy. We can do things in SL we can’t do in RL. I’d love to be able to fly without having to use an airplane or even have wings. I’d love to be able to teleport from one place to another. But more than that, I’d love to be able to chat up or flirt with a pretty young woman I’ve never met without fear of getting hit with a sexual harassment suit, or just plain hit. (Ow!) But it’s even more than that. We’re here for the relationships. So let’s talk about that.

There are all kinds of things one can do in SL with a partner (or partners if that’s your thing). From simple cuddling on some cushions, to dancing to . . . well, you get the idea. And there are graphic, um, aids, that can enhance these experiences. And this leads to arousal of varying degrees in RL. I have to admit to feeling aroused while slow dancing with a pretty avatar. Just watching the avatars interact can be very stimulating. And once you get to intimate chatting with your partner the experience increases.

Only the Lonely?

So why do we come to SL to do this? I think because in many cases we simply can’t do it in RL. Oh sure, we might be able to if the opportunity presented itself, but that’s the point. For some people that opportunity is not going to present itself in RL for a variety of reasons. One person may not be what is considered physically attractive. Another may have the social skills of a goat. Yet another may simply be afraid of social encounters. But in SL you can find those opportunities in wild abundance. The chances for casually intimate (no, that’s not an oxymoron) relationships in SL are as abundant as wild flowers in a spring meadow. Let’s revisit the avatar’s appearance for a minute. Someone is going to build the most attractive avatar for themselves that they can. They've created a flower to attract butterflies. In RL they may not be that pretty flower and the people they would want to attract in RL wouldn’t give them the time of day. But in SL it’s easy. And once people come up to you or allow you to approach them the door is open to further social interaction.

But it’s not all about the appearance. That’s just the initial attractor. Remember I said that our characters are extensions of our RL selves. How we physically see ourselves in our own minds. So once the initial virtual pheromone has been sent out by way of the appearance of the avi (short for avatar) one now has to introduce the persona. We have to speak and act a certain way in order to maintain the attractiveness. Some personae, once they open their virtual mouths immediately turn other persons off no matter how attractive they are (gee, just like in RL). Still others have a way with words that enhance the visual attractiveness. This is what I call the Romance Factor.

Romancing the Grid

I think we are all looking for romance in one form or another. For some romance can take the form of the casual liaison or even just sex, virtual or otherwise (I have to pause here and quote a favorite writer, Spider Robinson, who had one of his characters comment on making love vs. just plain having sex as saying, “I tried fucking. There’s nothing wrong with it. There’s just not enough right with it”). For others it’s all about how the person you’re with makes you feel by what they say to you and how they phrase it. Some people in SL are looking for a girlfriend or boyfriend that they can’t manage to find in RL. Someone who makes them feel special or cherished. They come to SL because they’re lonely and need that romantic lift in their lives. They need to be able to speak openly and freely without fear of the consequences or repercussions one might encounter in RL. Some want to have multiple and varied partners perhaps because they don’t want to be tied to one avi or because their own fantasies cover different venues, one time being an elegant Regency Period gentleman, the next a Medieval Lord or a Harley Biker with a jet pack. The roles can change in SL. They don’t have to be static. And so the Romance Factor is further enhanced.

Lookin’ for Love in all the Virtual Spaces

We must, however be sure not to confuse virtual romance with real love. And of course that brings us to an interesting question. Just what is love and how does it equate through feeling romantic in a game? I’m not sure I know the answer to that. (Anyone? Bueller?) I think there is a danger of “falling in love” with an avatar as opposed to the persona behind the avatar. I’ve known at least one real person who has come to love an SL persona, but their relationship, while totally electronic (they live in different part of the country and have never met outside SL), has been fulfilling for both and they have related on both an SL and an RL level. This is a romance between the real people behind the personae, not just between role-played avatars or those avatars' personae.

In any case, I think one should approach SL relationships with caution. Feelings can be just as fragile in the virtual world as in the real. Be up front and be honest. You may find it’s much easier in SL than in RL. In fact, SL may actually make social interaction easier for the person who is more socially inept in RL who can interact here with people up front and honestly without being overtly offensive or worse, being terrified to act at all.

The Final Frontier

In summation, what we have is a lot of people leading dull, dreary, lonely or just plain uninteresting Real Lives looking for the excitement of romance in a personally tailored Second Life. But unlike RL, in SL you can put less in and get more out of it. But of course SL isn’t inhabited by only those looking for romance. A good time can be had by all, and that good time varies with personal interests. The intent of this article is to only focus on the role-playing and romance aspects of SL.

So at the end of the day we find ourselves drawn to our fantasies, be they bodice-ripping romance novels, a favorite television show in which we become invested in the characters on the screen, or Second Life. The real world around is vast, but at the same time too constricting. We must obey the laws, whether of physics or of government. We must be aware that in RL one person’s charming conversation is another person’s sexist or racist remark. If you bump into someone you should ask their pardon, and you can’t walk under water. But in SL, if at first you don’t succeed, redraw your avi and start again. No one is going to have you arrested, or sent to court and fined, and the worst that can happen is that you can get booted off SL for abuse (see their terms of agreement). You can do a lot with SL as long as you remember it’s only a role-playing fantasy and RL is still out there waiting for you to get up on Monday morning and go to work so you can continue to pay for your SL account and Internet access. Just a final word of caution; be careful about letting your SL spill over into your RL. That man you’re kissing may just turn out to be a woman.

Meeting Mr. Wrong

Last night I got IMed by a fellow I have seen a couple times over the last few weeks. He's the kind of guy who likes to push buttons by saying outrageous things and seeing how a girl will react. So invariably he asks for sex. He also always makes sure to tell me that he never, ever pays for sex, that he doesn't even tip dancers, and that he is poor and doesn't "believe" in Lindens (SL money), whatever that means. Most of the girls at the club have given up on him as a cheapskate, but he's kind of cute, charming and witty even if outrageous, and he's fun to flirt with. So when he asked me to teleport him to my place for a blow job, I tp'ed him to Blue Noise instead. We danced and flirted. Somewhere during the course of the conversation he mentioned he is married in real life. This is not something that bothers me--married or not, it is between him and his wife what he does outside of their relationship. But then he wanted to know if I was married, single, or divorced. Why did that matter, I wondered?

Now, I've given him my perspective on marriage before: It's a great institution, but who wants to be in an institution! Personally I think marriage is good for the protection of children--a safe place to grow up with 2 parents. But if you don't have kids, what is the point of tying yourself down? Most of the time in marriage it is the woman whose freedom is limited by the expectations of society ("Good girls don't") while the man can come and go and play where he pleases ("Boys will be boys").

Think about this: can you come up with one positive word that describes a sexually active woman? No! They are all negative terms. Sexually active women are called sluts, whores, skanks, and tramps. Or we are described by our genitals: cunts, beaver, poon, pussies. The only "good" adjectives to describe women and sex together imply being asexual or having our sexuality controlled by men: maiden, virgin, wife. Even terms like mistress, concubine, paramour, have a negative flavor, indicating women engaged in sex with one man outside the bounds of matrimony. And, Ladies, if you dare to expect to be paid for sex you are a prostitute, no matter how you dress it up (escort, call girl, courtesan). Now try to think of a negative term for a sexually active man--there are none. Men are studs, stallions, or players. Their sexuallity is applauded!

So maybe I shouldn't have been surprised when my friend last night said he'd be uncomfortable with his RL wife having virtual sex in SL, and yet felt fine about chasing SL "tail" himself. Later he qualified that by saying that only casual SL sex was okay, it isn't cheating since it is all a fantasy. I pointed out that there are real people here, the only thing that is a fantasy is the setting. But he was adamant. Casual fuck? Okay. Get emotionally involved in SL? That would be "an affair," thus not acceptible. He seemed pretty pleased that I wasn't looking for a relationship or marriage--that put me in the "non-affair just a fuck" category, I guess.

That was the point at which I dropped to my knees and started to give him a virtual blow job--but he stopped me. His comment was: "Oh, you are one of those!" Now what? Was he having second thoughts about "cheating"? He wanted sex? He didn't want sex? Seems he wanted to be in charge. Its okay to try to seduce a woman and talk her into sex, but if she initiates it. . . . Here's the problem. Our society doesn't expect women to be sexually active or (heaven forfend!) sexually aggressive. Despite the sexual revolution of the 1960s-70s and the ground-breaking work of researchers like Kinsey, there is still an inherently parochial, even puritan attitude about female sexuality in America. And apparently in this fellow, too. Even in SL.

A Lazy Happy Birthday

Today is my Birthday! I was born in the year of the Dragon, the month of Capricorn. That makes me assertive and outspoken, obsessively organized, with the desire to always be in control. Having both earth and water in my signs I also have a deep desire to give pleasure to others. . . . (Hmmm. That may explain my Second Life in a nutshell!)

So what makes for an ideal birthday for me? I'd like to lounge around, maybe reading a good book (the Kamasutra? the Tao of Love & Sex?), or maybe cuddling with a lover. Later tonight maybe some dancing and flirting at Blue Noise or Lotus Moon, my two favorite clubs. Speaking of lovers, the red pavillion above was a gift from a lover, as was the lovely jewelry from the Isle of Mists in the picture below.

Here are some fun facts I just recently discovered. I was born on a Sunday (do you know the children's rhyme about days of the week?) which means I am both happy and very social (duh!). I was born in the Egyptian month of Famenoth, the third month of the season of Poret (the Emergence month of the Fertile Soil season). On the day I was born the moon was waxing gibbous or almost but not quite full--easily seen in the daytime and shining brightly at night (much like me). My ruling planet is Saturn (the only planet with rings. . . Yeah! Bling!)

For a whole bunch of fun facts about your own birthday check Paul Sadowski's Birthday Calculator! And, hey! . . . if you happen to be in-world tonight, look me up for a birthday kiss!

Worst SL Pick-up Lines

There is a closed thread on SL Forums called "Best/Worst Pick-up Lines in SL." Now I know I have discussed this issue before, but some of this is just so damn funny it cries out to be shared. If you go to the thread there is a lot of fun banter among the posters discussing social etiquette in SL as well as sharing the worst they have heard. I found the 23 page (no shit) long thread a fun read for a snowed in Saturday afternoon.

Several people mentioned they had experienced the kind of lines we have all heard, the traditional noob approach, including: "You're beautiful. Wanna fuck?" or (delivered with enthusiastic hope) "We will have sex now! Yes?"

Then there are the broken English (or just limited lexical/grammatical skill) variants: "mak fuk?" and "u r hot. i wan fuk u." and (my favorites) "make sexies now plz?" or "Oh hai! I can has sex wid u now?"

Regarding language, I am in total agreement here with Trout, who said: "The weird thing is that the intimacy and the primary point of sex in SL is what is being said through IMs, chat or even voice. I refuse to believe it's avatars humping on poseballs. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's only part of the fantasy that is being mutually created by the people involved--without the words, it's like watching a movie with the sound off. If the people involved don't speak the same language, how on earth are they going to enjoy the experience? If I were out fooling around with random people, I wouldn't even think to approach someone who doesn't speak English. I can scratch out a little German and some Spanish, but after I count to ten, order a beer and ask where the train station and the bathroom is, I'm pretty much done with them. 'Heh--Eins, zwei, drei, Ich bin Trout. Dos Cervesas. Donde esta la Bana? Mak fuk?' I can't see that as being much fun. . . . it's stupid to try to hit on someone in SL in a language which you do not speak fluently. . . . If you get the language right, it's going to take forever to get through it, and unless you're having weird tantric all-day-long sex with Sting, who has that kind of time?"

As for just plain bad pick-up lines, the fun folks on the SL Forum thread contributed these:

These three get a couple of points for attempted wit: "Hi Red...I'm Blue...I know a couple of poseballs with our names on them" (contributed by Merielle). "Is that a sculptie in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?" (contributed by Ylikone). "You are over a year old, that's hot" (contributed by Foehn).

Guaranteed to be taken as a compliment (not): "I love your boobs. I don't like them big" (contributed by Alesia). Followed by its converse: "Hey babe...did you slide those yourself?" (contributed by Giz).

Let's not forget Vampire pick up lines: "Hey baby where have you been all my undeath?" (contributed by Collette).

And one more for the ESL grouping: "Are you agree to give pleausure to me, showing your breasts..? ;-)" (contributed by Taylor). In another post Damianos pointed out that: "When looking for a date, Babelfish is a terrible wingman...."

My own personal all-time favorite bad pick-up line was from a fellow wearing only strategically placed straps who came up to me and said: "You look like you need a master. Are you looking for a master?" To which I responded: "If I was I am certain it wouldn't be someone with your charming approach and subtle sense of romance." He just said, "Okay." Then thanked me for the compliment (compliment? sheesh!) and left. Sarcasm is wasted on some people.

There are, however, men out there in SL who have that certain je ne sais quoi. The ones who know what to say, know when to say it, and have something (taste? tact? poise? manners?) that is also probably working for them in RL as well. So, just to leave you on a lighter note, here are some pick-up lines that worked:

Oryx tells of a fellow who walked up to her in a club and asked, "Anyway a newbie in a bad tuxedo could get a girl like you to dance with him?" She says she couldn't resist that and had a nice evening of dancing with the fellow.

Max's story is from the noob's perspective: "My first day in SL, I stopped at a waterfront home and walked in (hey, I didn't know it wasn't right to do that), anyway, there was a woman there changing clothes with no top on. I said 'Did you know you have no top on?' Well of course nothing happened then, I wasn't out for the sex thing, I didn't even know there was sex in SL at the time, that's how new I was. . . one thing led to another and, after many ups and downs, we are not only married in SL, but engaged in RL. Gave her a one carat diamond ring just last weekend."

My own two best pick-up lines come from men who turned out not be not only erudite and witty, but sexy, romantic lovers as well. One was on a crowded boardwalk where a Spanish speaking noob was looking for help. When I sadly told him I didn't speak any Spanish, only French, a good-looking fellow stepped up and began speaking to the noob in Spanish. Thinking the situation was well in hand, I made to move on when the handsome one said: "Don't leave, you are the most beautiful thing I've seen in SL." What girl could resist a line like that? We are still close friends.

The other best line came from a man who asked me about my name, but since I've told that story before I won't go into it again--suffice to say, girls, that when you find the man who uses the right line, who is creative and intelligent and has a romantic soul, who can make you feel special as well as drive you crazy . . . hang on to him for all you are worth!

cross-posted to Viscious Studios by Vicious Tsai Jie

On Getting Married in Second Life: Part 2, The Day

So here it is, my friend's big day, and I gotta say that even if I am not fond of weddings I have been looking forward to this (despite having to wear pink). I'm looking at it as a sort of a cross between social engagement and sociology research. We have been instructed by the Wedding Planner (read "Wedding Nazi," the Barbie doll from last night's fracas) to be at the Chapel promptly one half hour early. I arrive on time with the friend who is giving the bride away, the DJ is there, too, and with in a few minutes the groom and the best man arrive. The bride is within teleport distance for quick arrival at the appropriate moment. And then the Wedding-Nazi shows. I am beginning to suspect dramatic entrances are her best (or only) trick. At least she is wearing a skirt that covers her ass today.

She gets up a group IM conference to give up our instructions and cues (so what was the purpose of that rehearsal last night then, huh?), and she begins role call. "Is the bridesmaid here?" Hello! Right in front of you! "Where's the best man?" Hello again, right in front of you! "The groom? Speak up! Tell me if you are here!" He is also in front of her. I begin to suspect a vision problem. The bride accidentally loses connection to the group conference and the Wedding-Nazi informs all of us as she "slaps the nervous bride" (Slaps! No shit!).

Meanwhile an early guest who's profile proclaims her to be a Model/Porn Star (and which says "Just IM me if you want any of those things") can't seem to find her way out of the aisle and to a seat. Or it may be that she was too distracted trying to pick up the friend who is standing in for "father of the bride" (aka the FOTB). At this point Barbie the WN tells the bride and groom they will have to shout during the ceremony because the back row (where no one but the DJ is sitting) is out of chat range (so, like the DJ couldn't move up a row?). Promptly on the hour, even though not all the guests are here and the ones who are are still milling about and not sitting down, the DJ cues the wedding march and it is GO, GO, GO!

The ceremony is mostly cool. Guests wander in and take seats. There is a slow moment when the best man can't find his pose ball, and the groom has forgotten to change his group tag, so we have a Bride & Social Worker--which I think is kinda cute in a semi-surreal way. The WN now in her role as minister SHOUTS the service and a lot of stuff about God and Faith and True Love and The Institution of Marriage, and I begin to wonder if someone should remind her we are a bunch of cartoons in a fake world here, but I decide to let my inner Daoist just take it all in stride. I do have to pause and wonder when she does the "in sickness and in health part" (I just keep seeing some SL bride saying "Yes, dear, I still love your avatar even though he is now grossly deformed by the pox"). But the Bride and Groom/Social Worker seem happy and that is what counts.

Then there are rings and the "Man & Wife Pronouncement" and Voila--they are kissing. For like forever. And whispering sweet endearments to each other. But the Wedding Nazi is insistent--it is photo time. There are pose balls for this, too. And it is "line up" and "not there, over there" and much snapping of photos (3000 Lindens for 10 professionally taken pics). The best man has booked already, so the FOTB has to get in the pictures. Next it is across a little bridge to the reception area.

"First we must cut the cake!" yells the Barbie the WN, who is for some reason is still shouting. "Smear it on each other," she instructs the happy couple. (First "Slap," now "Smear"? Truly charming . . . Not.) The wedding guest model/porn star wants to dance with the FOTB and is loudly announcing to the crowd that she's three weeks pregnant. "Can you see the bump?" she asks all and sundry. Oh goodie, a PPSM (pregnant porn star model)!

And then we have to toast. "Touch the champaign bucket!" Barbie insists. I pick up my glass of champagne and refrain from correcting either her spelling or her manners. But I am having a good time dissing this WN in IM with the FOTB who has managed to escape the clutches of the PPSM (you are following all this alphabet soup, right?). Then there is also a flinging of the garter. Well, at least there would have been one anyway, had the animations done their job like good little animations should. And finally it is time for Barbie-doll-the-Wedding-Nazi to leave. "Don't forget to show your appreciation at the tip jars," she tells everyone (I have counted 3 for her and 1 for the DJ), and it's kiss-kiss and she's gone.

The bride and groom mingle and chat with the guests. I dance and flirt heavily with the very handsome FOTB (and shortly after that we wandered off together for more "intimate" dancing). The remainder of the evening being left to one very happy couple and their happily partying friends. All in all, an interesting experience. (Do you know the ancient Chinese curse that goes "May you live in interesting times"?)

SL and RL: Where They Touch and Where They Collide

Funny thing about having a Second Life is that it can be so much like all the good parts of Real Life (tm) without the negatives. In both there can be dancing and sightseeing, sporting events, movies, books, concerts, there are good friends and good conversation, and there is flirting and romance and even sex.

But in SL there are no dishes to do, no laundry or cleaning, no house painting (unless you count building textures), and landscaping and repairs don't involve getting messy or dirty or tired or sore. No one has to make the bed. Taking out the trash is just a click of a button. In SL with the right partner there can be very good sex--even if it is in the form of mutual masturbation.

One of the most obvious things most people notice right away about SL is that, although it removes the bumps and discomforts of RL, it also has it's own brand of limitations. In SL I can fly, in RL I am afraid of heights; in SL I can breathe underwater, in RL I can't even swim; but in RL I am an excellent dancer, have been a professional bellydancer, in SL (and for me here is one of the disappointments of SL) I am frustrated by the limitations of what a script, a dance pole, or a poseball will let me do.

SL relationships also suffer from similar deprivations. The lovely folks at Xcite! and Strokerz have given us virtual genitalia, love animations, and sex toys. Those things, together with a sexually experienced partner who has good narrative skills, can be very stimulating, but there is one significant element missing. Human touch. The feel of your lover's hands running over your flesh. The touch of your lover's mouth on yours. The soft, salty taste of skin. The sweet hot pleasure of penetration. These are things that cannot be replaced by virtual games. Or can they?

Now there are people working on the technology to provide some of that. Believe it or not, this is a serious field of technology which is called "Teledildonics." Now you can buy a kissing phone that will give you a kiss matching the kiss of your lover on the other end. You can get a shirt that allows you to feel hugs from your distant partner. And (no shit!) there are electronic vaginas and penises through which you can stimulate each other to orgasm!

doubt that anything will ever replace the desire for real human touch, and I am sure most of us don't have the funds to invest in an arsenal of electronic devices. But there is a trend for relationships begun in SL to escalate to higher and higher levels, including spilling over to RL, and maybe this sort of electronic toy is the answer to keeping your RL and SL from overlapping or worse from colliding.

Now I am not saying you shouldn't mix SL with RL, that is of course a personal choice. The difficulty is making that choice reasonably and rationally, and--being human and fallible--if we aren't careful we can make choices that affect us or our RL loved ones badly.

The press is full of articles that bash Internet relationships. There was the story of the fellow who spends nearly 20 hours a day in SL neglecting his real wife for his SL wife. Even if you are single you can make choices that turn out badly, like the chick whose ex-online lover killed himself leaving her with no closure, or the one who is moving to the city of her Internet pal but fears becoming a homewrecker. And, when online lovers do meet, there is the issue of possibly spreading sexually transmitted diseases from meeting online partners for a quick tryst in RL.

What we never seem to hear about in the news are the many couples that meet online and then succeed in establishing solid RL relationships. I can think of a half dozen among my friends and acquaintances in SL alone. In an SL interview with Reuters SL News Center, Internet entrepreneur Arianna Huffington has even noted that:

A lot of people who want to explore different possibilities, they can now do it in Second Life instead of, say, leaving their wife—fulfilling some other fantasy. Why not experiment? I think Second Life will save marriages.

And she may be right. While many people push the online envelope into their real life, there are many more who are perfectly happy having their cake in SL and eating it in RL, too--taking the stimulation they feel by sex in SL back into improving their real live relationships and experiencing with their real partners that experimentation they have been able to explore online in a safe environment first.

So once again it all boils down to choices. Have SL sex? Why not. It is safe and it can be fun. Is it cheating if you are already RL married or committed?--only you (and your partners) can decide that. (Hell, I have one RL girlfriend who considers her BF looking at porn magazines a form of cheating.)

Should you meet that online partner in RL? Now you need to slow down and think it through. There are a whole lot of "what ifs" to consider. If you are committed in RL will it hurt that relationship? Maybe a Same Time Next Year scenerio will hurt neither of you, but what if one of you wants more and the other doesn't? What will you do if you don't like the real person as much as you do the avatar? If he/she finds you unattractive in RL? Or, worse, has lied about his/her real self? These are things to consider before you let that second life collide with your real one.

The bottom line is that there are many wonderful things about Second Life worth exploring and enjoying--especially safe virtual sex--without worrying about how much better it could be in RL. Maybe we need to take each for what it is worth. Enjoy RL for RL's sake, and enjoy SL for SL's sake. I can dance in SL for or with a partner and enjoy it for what it is--virtual communication. And I can dance in RL with or without a partner and enjoy it for the exercise of my talent as well as the potential for human touch. These worlds may touch for me someday if I find the right partner to dance with in both--and I do mean "dance," in the ballroom and in the bedroom, with a partner who I trust in both RL and SL.

On the other hand, unless it is right for both of us, these worlds may forever stay separate. It really doesn't matter as long as I make the choices wisely. In the meantime I intend to enjoy each venue for all it has to offer.

Online Love Life a Threat to Your Job?

My favorite s'expert, Regina Lynn of Wired.com's Sex Drive, discussed in "Teachers Should Blog, Tweet and Flirt Online Like the Rest of Us" a growing concern about limiting the online fantasy lives of teachers. She asks:

What would you do if your employer told you not to use MySpace, Match.com and Second Life because those sites are "too dangerous" and "inappropriate" for you?

If you're a teacher in Ohio, you'd better think twice before you answer, because it's not a hypothetical question. According to the Columbus Dispatch, the state's teacher's unions recommend that teachers not post profiles on social networking or online dating sites because it could lead to the appearance of improper relationships with students.

This hits close to home for me as both an educator and an American concerned with infringement of civil liberties. Note here the phrase: "appearance of improper relationships"--this skirts close to being accused and condemned for a sin you haven't committed yet. Now in Second Life I don't tend to advertise where I live or what and where I teach, and thankfully I don't expect to run into underage students there, but even the thought of censure for my online SL life is disconcerting. I have no intention of having "improper relationships," just a healthy and fulfilling fantasy sex life with other consenting virtual adults. Fortunately Lynn agrees and she goes on to say:

Social networking, online dating and even uploading a pornographic video of oneself to an adults-only online performance space has nothing to do with one's students and everything to do with one's personal life and sexuality. Holding teachers up to a "higher standard"--symbols of an "ideal purity" that the rest of us are relieved we don't have to attain--is not only impossible, it works against our goal of helping young people mature into responsible adults.

She further notes that knowing how such virtual social environments work is likely to be beneficial to educators who struggle to reach the current Internet generation.

All adults who work with youth should be aware of how young people communicate, fall in love and stay connected; I encourage teachers to try social networking services, to have a blog, to text message with their own families and friends. Experienced teachers will not only gain a better sense of the world their students live in--indeed, a world their students are creating--they will have a greater understanding of the young teachers entering the profession. . . . But teachers who understand appropriate relationships with students are not going to "friend" teens on MySpace, text message youth about their sex lives or hook up with minors in role-playing games.

I agree. As someone who has used blogging as a classroom activity and even discussed appropriate Internet etiquette with students, I can see only good in a teacher being hip to the latest in online social spaces. Back in April, Lynn wrote an article dealing with similar issues, about online activity and RL workplace perceptions, "Sex and Nudity Aren't Good Reasons to Fire Someone", in which she asks:

What if we start with the idea that sex is good, bodies are beautiful and exhibitionism is a wonderfully exuberant way to celebrate life, love and the pursuit of pleasure?

What if we take it a step further and admit that technology has opened the doors--and the windows, and the portcullises, and the skylights and the ventilation systems--to a surfeit of sexual expression and display?

Is it really asking too much to suggest that employers stop worrying about how we perform in adult spaces and concentrate on how we perform our jobs instead?

And therein lies the crux of the issue. If your online activities impact your job negatively, then maybe you need to rethink your approach to the games you play. Or even the time you spend playing online. Lynn is righteously annoyed by the puritanical attitude that sees a virtual sex life as abnormal:

I am so sick of the priggishness. Tired of people making assumptions about a person based on their perceptions of the other's sexuality -- especially when they base those assumptions on the single dimension of online expression. Flabbergasted at the assumption that if you participate in adult activity online, you must lack judgment, integrity or reliability.

Getting naked on the internet is an international pastime, not the whim of a handful of sex addicts. Flashing your booty or treating yourself to an orgasm is hardly a sign that you are incapable of doing your job well, nor does it grant permission for others to dismiss your professional competence or authority.

We assume that everyone has RL relationships. No one is faulted for having sexual partners in RL, so why should virtual partners be any different? The key is, as with most things, using your common sense. You don't tell your boss or your customers (or your students if you are a teacher) about what you do in bed with your RL lovers, so why wouldn't you be just as discreet about your SL relationships? Just like in RL, where if you need to talk about your love life you cultivate a friend or confidante in whom you can confide, you can also find someone you can talk to about your online activities. Again, be discreet. Bear in mind that though there are always going to be people who will look for flaws in your behavior, there are also those who will understand (despite the media attention to illegal or dangerous internet activities involving sex) that this is just your own outlet for fantasy or healthy sexual recreation.

Balancing a home life, a work life, and a healthy online sex life is not easy, and it is important not to get so caught up in the virtual game that it spills into and consumes your real life. Or at least you need to be aware of and be prepared to deal with the flack that can cause. But the rewards of a virtual sex life's impact on your real sex life is also there. In the end it is who we love, and that we love, not how we love that really matters.

Sex not most important thing in SL?

Thursday, Nov 8, 2007, Eric Reuters published a piece called "Study finds sex, gambling not major Second Life" on the SL Reuters News Center that tells us not as many people are interested in cybersex as we all thought:

If there’s no “goal” to Second Life, no monsters to kill or experience points to collect, why do so many people log on and spend so much time there? Everyone has their theories, but a new academic study suggests cybersex and gambling are less of a lure than is often assumed. Noble Pierre-Etienne (Second Life: Wolkam Winger) and Angelica Ortiz (Second Life: Angelyka Klata) surveyed 657 residents about their Second Life usage. Only 13.6 percent said they “often” or “always” practice cybersex, and 2.2 percent patronized casinos regularly. The data was collected shortly before the gambling ban, Pierre-Etienne told Reuters.

“It’s not a perfectly representative sample, but that’s not the goal,” Pierre-Etienne said. He advertised the study through various blogs like Wagner James Au’s New World Notes. “You’ll find more Swedish people in our study because it was discussed on Swedish blogs.”
Pierre-Etienne is submitting the data as part of his thesis at the Toulouse Business School on the marketing potential of virtual worlds. His partner Ortiz, a native of Mexico, is examining the same data from a psychological perspective for the Swedish National Institute of Public Health.

“The data shows the most engaging activities in Second Life are shopping and socializing,” Ortiz said. There’s a direct correlation between overall usage and participation in cybersex, with the more committed users more likely to digitally consummate. “I think people want to try everything,” she said.

Regina Lynn, who writes about Second Life relationships for her “Sex Drive” column at Wired.com, isn’t surprised. “I think romance is much bigger than cybersex in Second Life,” Lynn said. “Just like there is more flirtation and come-hither and ooh-la-la in a bar than actual going home with someone to have sex.”

I see a couple of things here that these intrepid researchers may have missed. For one thing, if their demographic is skewed to Scandinavian countries (like Sweden) maybe we ought to pay attention to the fact that there are fewer hangups about sex in RL in those places. Maybe those people who are able to have sex without guilt in RL don't need to have sex in SL. No one seems to be asking the question why have sex in SL? To which, of course, the answer is you don't need it in SL if you are getting satisfactory sex in RL. I would bet on a close correlation between those who have virtual sex and those who live in more puritanic social groups that frown on extra- or pre-marital sex. Let's survey only Americans or Brits (who are the ones I have found most likely to want SL sex regularly) and I bet those percentages rise.

Here's another interesting tidbit: I've met more romantic men (the kind who like to take you dancing, romance you, and flirt first) from New England (Boston in particular) than from any other place. The Californians I've met are pushier (wanting slave or BDSM sex, but always trying to talk their way out of paying for it), and Midwesterners split along genderlines: the men don't want/like virtual sex (and sometimes not even real sex) while the women are out there swinging in many directions.

Now granted this is from an even smaller sample than the aforementioned study and reflects only my clients and friends and my own observations. But I still say that, on the whole, those who go for cybersex are filling a need that is missing in their RLs. SL is first and foremost a social network--but whether you use it to make business contacts, new friends, or to find sex, romance, or the love of your life is all going to depend on your own personal needs. No matter what you need from SL, I say go find what makes you happy and when you find it, enjoy it all you can.

How Not to Charm a Girl in SL by Lashxevious

Poking about the Blogosphere this morning I encountered Lashxevious, another SL blogger with a great sense of humor. Here's her take on how not to go about picking up chicks in SL:

How not to Charm a girl in SL by lashxevious
. . . Anyway, here are some things about SL guys that annoy me.

1. Moving too fast. SL is good for flirting. And flirting is fun! So why the hell ruin it by going into "Exclusive boyfriend" mode? That whole dancing the girl around and giving her the "I think I'm falling for you" spiel ... yeah, we know that line. And we know that's bullshit, especially if the most you've known the girl is 2 weeks and the most extensive conversation you've had was how much work your boss gave you. Usually if she does give it to you, she's just as ready to use you and spit you out, so well ... at least those fickle feelings are mutual.

2. Cheesy, Lame Casanovary. So you tp'd her to "Lover's Ultimate Uber Snuggly Heavenly Paradise Nirvana Utopia" where cuddle balls float atop primmy clouds and caves behind waterfalls harbour sexgen beds with 524,986 different poses where you can work your kamasutra mastery. Dude. It's. Not. Fun. Any girl worth her weight in online gaming will not think a laggy stroll through White Outline Tree park is fun. Fun is where there is opportunity for hilarity and goofiness. Let her whip out the katanas and spend an hour or so plummeling each other and throwing out cheesy kungfu dialog. She gets to be aggressive, you can be a man. It's flirty, it's friendly, and is about the closest you'll get to foreplay at the moment.

3. Having the audacity to think you can dress her better. Unless you were raised from birth by a pack of knowledgeable, posh fashion experts, there's no friggin chance in a mealyworm's rectum that you would know how to dress a woman. 9 times outta 10, that store you're taking her to is a direct replica of the Skanky Stripper 101 catalog. Now I wanna be sexy like anybody else, but there's sexy and there's skanky. Skanky is not hygienic. And giving her money to buy these things doesn't earn you points either becuz SHE HATES IT.

4. IM Whoring. Another peeve of mine. You invite the girl over and as soon as she is standing in front of you, you slump into a catatonic state. Head darting to and fro, revealing all too well the signs of IM ADD. Dude, if you invite her over, anyone over, pay attention to that person, since they obviously agreed to be pulled away from whatever it was they were doing to look at your sorry mug. If you can't be gracious enough to follow through with the invite, continue on with your precious IM's ... ALONE, ya spacey bastard.

5. Getting too sappy. I hate these lines: "I never felt this way before"-"I'm amazed by you"-"I love you now and forever" and UGH I can't continue on cuz the bile is rising up my throat. First of all, if ya wanna say such nonsense go to a karaoke bar during Lionel Ritchie night. And second, it's scientifically known that too much sap on an ass can actually lead to a nasty burn. And any guy that gets really sappy during cyber sex is just weird. Get out and bang some real flesh already. Sex is not about doves singing and feelings soaring to the heavens. WTF.

6. You nasty POS. It goes both ways. Being too perverted, too technical. Anytime colon, perineum, bubble, and whisk is combined into a sentence GTFO. Okay, okay, let's say the girl you're with is just awesomely arousing to you, that aint no excuse. Stop trying to hump her every time she merely smirks your way. Hi, babe *humps your face* How's your day, hun? *humps your face* Umm, wanna just do my leg? I'm trying to build here. *cums*

7. Dragging in the muthaeffin entourage. I don't get how one person can have 16 different best friends all of the opposite gender and insist he's not screwing around with any of them. If he's straight anyway. Nothing ruins a moment faster than teleporting in 2 of your "gal pals" while snuggling the girl you're supposedly wooing. No, she will not trust you. No, she's not impressed you know someone who makes hair. Let's flip the tables on your ass and see how it feels when two random guys pop in to watch.

8. Prissy Lil Know-It-All. I know I'm not perfect. I don't have an answer for everything. I'll say I dunno, or just don't care. I'm a typo-du-jour. And I appreciate a good critique or sensible tip to guide me to bettering what I'm doing. But I do not like being corrected all the freaking time. To even go as far as correcting a wisecrack is not cool either. Just shows you have no sense of sarcasm and got a major stick up your butt. Smart guys are awesome if they're not acting like pricks due to their intelligence. Showing off those brains might mean you're compensating for something anyway, like CHARM.

9. Muscley-Caveman-Fabio drool. Ah, aren't I just the pickiest? I can't talk to these types. "U want dance" Umm was that a question or a statement? "Me laik U" In what sense? Species? Evolution? Prolly not the former. "U want sex?????//" Oh dear god ... just zap out my genitals now lest I accidentally procreate with this thing. Talk dammit. Talk right. I like guys who know how to spell or at least try. So what he spelled "triangulate" wrong, he at least has the brain cells to use it in a sentence. I know some guys who can pull off the abbreviated way of chatting well. It's cuz they make up for it in wit and overall expression of thought. So do the short hand type, but just make some frigging sense. SL is all about communicating, typing won't be phased out by Voice anytime soon.

10. Desecrating Dante. You know who you are. Or the people around you know what you have done. What is with these guys that have extremely bulky shoulders and teeny heads that remind me of the buckets at the dime casino. Bucketheads. What possesses you to make yourself grotesquely unproportionate? Muscles maxxed to 100. Arm length 30. Foot size 100++. And if that's not enough, you use DANTE to cover your obtuse features. Look at the damn poster when you buy that skin. You can't possibly think there's a similarity. Dante alone won't help you. And poor Dante, so beautiful, and so abused.

Here's a tip: the tip of your fingers should be touching midway down your thigh. Your hand should be a lil over half the length of your forearm. You buckethead should be more than 50 size. Your feet-coinpurse-muscles should never be 100.

Or just wear an intricate robot avie or something. Deformed human forms distract me from focusing on the personality since in my head I'm tweaking things. Give me nightmares why don't ya.

And there ya go, I guess there is more, but they're more about nuances I find in RL. I just wrote this at work to kill time. I needed something to amuse myself. >.<

You rock, Lash! Hey, boys? Hope you are paying attention!

The Business of Online Sex: Stirring Things Up

I've been cruising the archives of my favorite Wired (yes, I am a geek!) column, "Sex Drive" a commentary by Regina Lynn, and found this tidbit in a July post, "The Business of Pleasure Is Booming, Thanks to Online Communities," for your consideration. Lynn, in discussing the sales of adult products, notes that:

Everyone who has ventured into online communities to talk sex contributes to a cultural shift away from sexual embarrassment and shame. You might not see it yet, especially if you work as a sex educator and you cringe at the stereotypes and misinformation so prevalent in our mass media.

But it's happening. In tiny, incremental steps, one by one, people are casting off the fetters (or putting on the fetters, depending) of yesteryear, when everyone still did everything we do now, but in shameful secrecy. Engaging in sex talk with others breaks down inhibitions that once kept us from acknowledging, much less expressing, our sexual needs. We might not know the ins and outs of every aspect of sexuality, but after a few months of online practice, we're less afraid to ask.

Even if you have never chatted online about sex, you know someone who has. At the very least, one person in your circle has flirted in e-mail while dating online. These folks bring a new openness into--if they've participated in adult communities online for more than six months, they almost can't help it.

This is an interesting observation that, I believe barely scratches the surface of what online communities like SL can do for your sex life. There are two main reasons to indulge in an active online fantasy sex life: first, to revive waning sexual desire; and second, because it is safe.

Experts have said for years that sexuality and the sex drive is one of those "use it or lose it" things, but as we get older or as our lives get busier we often don't take the time to indulge in romance and fantasy the way we used to do. In "Whither Desire" on the AARP website, we are told that "low libido has more to do with boredom than the changing body," and Sandra R. Leiblum, Ph.D., director of the Center for Sexual and Relationship Health at the University of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey suggests that:

One solution is to find courage to step outside the sexual safe zone. “Women have to be willing to try things they haven’t before—a new place, a new sexual script,” says Leiblum, who is also the coauthor of Getting the Sex You Want (ASJA Press, 2003). The anxiety this creates can be erotic in itself. “What is arousing is the nervous excitement and mystery you feel when you don’t know what quite to expect,” she says.

In the same Article, Esther Perel, a New York City marriage and family therapist and author of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence says that she:

. . . counsels people to seek out novelty. “I’ll tell a woman, ‘In the next two weeks I’d like you to approach him once in a way you’ve never done before,’ ” she says. “ ‘Think of a time when you were particularly sexually daring, and imagine yourself bringing some of that assertiveness to him. Go to a clothing store and don’t buy what you’re used to buying—get something that brings out a whole other side of you.’ ”

Here is where online role-playing can help. The act of creating a beautiful and sexually active avatar will boost your confidence and body image and give you a mask behind which to operate, with that you can feel free to indulge in online flirtation and even mutual masturbation with an online partner--an experience which, I can tell you, can be very sexually liberating. How better to revive a flagging sexual appetite than with a safe sexual act (no disease) in a safe online environment (no real life information exchanged).

And that leads me to point number two: safe sex environments. Of course it is best to work to reawaken sexual desire with your life partner, but that presupposes that: 1) you have a regular sex partner, 2) your partner wants to have sex, and 3) that you are comfortable trying out those daring moves on a live person and risking rejection.

Anyone who has wandered in SL knows that there are all kinds of opportunities for sexual indulgence. Voyeur? Wander in the free sex areas and watch to your heart's content. Just want to flirt and meet people and see what develops? Cruise the clubs and make a move! Like to try something different? Check out a good escort service (I, of course, recommend Purrfect Droom) and discuss your desires with a variety of escorts.

The advantage of online romance is that it is always far easier to be daring in a place where no one knows your real name, where you can stir up your own libido with a little help from your friends, where there is no possibility of sexually transmitted disease, and where you can add to your sexual repertoire for later use with real life partners. I bet your real partners will enjoy your new found confidence and daring moves. Breaking down the sexual inhibitions we all have will revive our sexuality and the benefits of an active fantasy and sex life are immeasurable. C'mon, give it a try. . . .

Locker Room Lingo, Pick-up Lines, Flirtation, and SL

I was cruising through the archive of The Word Nerds, a podcast about words, language, and why we say the things we do, and came across Locker-room Lingo, Pickup Lines, and Flirtation (episode 52) in which Dave and Howard discussed the language of flirtation and sex. It is fascinating to think about the language, the euphemisms, we chose for discussing sex. The ones I find particularly peculiar use animal metaphors for masturbation: spanking the monkey, walking the dog, and for sex: bash the beaver, feed the kitty, riding the pink pony. Sadly, these odd and interesting, but highly unromantic!, locker room phrases just go on forever. The Word Nerds suggest that we do not grow out of the high school locker room lingo just by getting older. I hate to say it but my experience in SL has lead me to believe this is true. In a virtual world like SL where lovemaking is word-driven, the choices we make in language become critical to how we both view and are viewed by others. So how should we use language to approach sex?

Pick up lines, the Word Nerd boys tell us, need to be quick, catchy and imply that the object of the pick-up is attractive and interesting. those kind of lines are (again, sadly) few and far between. There are over 14 million hits on Google for pickup lines, and one site, by Matthew Montoya, even categorizes pick-up lines, the dumber/cruder of which fall under: Worthy of Beavis and Butthead (Uh, like let's drop all the uh B.S. and like, you know, do it.), Straight to the Point (Hey, Baby, Wanna get lucky?), Cheese (What's your sign?), and What? (I lost my virginity. Can I have yours?). My personal favorite category is the Left Field Approach which includes the [sarcasm mode on] sparkling wit of lines like: "I need to dump my load. Do you mind waiting for me on the bonnet of my car?" and "Is it cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's?" Just for future reference for all you guys who think any of these sound good, that crunch you just heard and the pain you are feeling is her knee connecting to your groin.

So how do you get to talk to the pretty girl? You are gonna have to go for creative without crude. I know may involve brains, but pull yours out and dust it off and give it a shot. Howard mentioned a success he had with a girl who had the name Phoebe on her name tag. He said, "Did you know the name Phoebe means bright and shining?" And as he said it he saw the light come on in her eyes and the interest flaring. I can tell you from personal experience that asking or talking to someone about their name is almost a sure thing. You are demonstrating attraction in a way that says you are neither crude, nor overloaded with clichés and that you are actually thinking about the person, that you want to know her, and you are not just thinking about getting into her pants.

Howard and Dave said, and I highly agree, that where flirtation works best is where you just speak normally to someone and talk about normal topics. Get her attention with a sincere compliment. Try putting yourself out there and connecting on subjects you may have in common. Good flirtation involves the same behavior as making friends. Being charming, putting your best behavior on, making yourself likable. Being real.

Remember the manners you mother said were important your first day of kindergarden? They still are. Be polite. Don't touch someone, even virtually, unless you ask first. Say please and thank you. Share the toys--don't hog the conversation airing your personal dirty laundry, ask them about themselves. You fear you are not interesting enough? Do you read, go to movies, listen to music? Bring up a book, film, or song lyrics and share what you like about them. In SL you can mention interesting places you have seen in-world. If you can't think of any of these things then maybe you need to re-think how you are spending all your time! And for godsakes don't let the first words out of your mouth be to brag about your bedroom skills! Flirtation is about innuendo--implying sensitivity and sensuality without saying sex.

Whether your goal is to add to your friends list or to score a one-night stand or to find the girl of your dreams, remember, the locker-room humor and crude behavior doesn't cut it. In SL, or in RL.

Special thanks to Dave and Howard for their wisdom and advice. In case you are interested, The Word Nerds can be found at Podcast News Feed: http://thewordnerds.org/rss

Dessert First

You are intent on the computer, checking your email, planning the day. . . you never even hear her come in the room until she says, "Hey you . . ."

On the tray she holds there are two cups and a pot of steaming coffee--Mocca Java by the scent that fills the room--and a glass plate holding a couple of chocolate éclairs. You push back your chair from the desk and she curls in your lap like a cat. Snuggles her face in your neck and begins kissing you softly. . . small kisses that trail down the line of your shoulder, your collarbone, then up your jawline to your mouth. "Hungry?" she asks with a mischievous smile. “Want some dessert?”

She reaches for an éclair, runs her tongue over the top, licking off the chocolate surface, then she turns back to you and, with one hand on the back of your neck pulling your face to hers, kisses you deeply passionately—a long, slow chocolate flavored dance of tongue on tongue. She pulls away and as you reach for her, she lifts the éclair to her mouth. She nibbles off the tip of the éclair, murmuring a soft “Mmmmm,” and you watch fascinated as her tongue, pink and wet, laps into the creamy filling. She scoops a bit of that creamy center on her tongue and leaning closer slides her tongue in your mouth. As she pulls back she whispers, “You want some of this?”

Your arms around her, your hands on her hips, you can only watch as she dips her tongue in the cream of the éclair again and again. Then she slides the end of it in her mouth, slides it in and pulls it back out. Slides it in again and sucks hard. She bites and chews and then grins wickedly at you. You see a tiny bit of the cream on the corner of her mouth and lean in to lick it off with your tongue. “Tasty,” you tell her. She finishes off her éclair with slow and deliberate bites. You watch her run her tongue around her lips. As she snuggles in closer and slowly runs her tongue across your lower lip, you are aware of an uncomfortable tightening of your jeans. So is she.

She rises, takes your hand, and pulls you out of your chair. "Let’s go have dessert first," she says, leading you to the bedroom.