How NOT to make a Good Impression on a Woman

Phat Cats (1), originally uploaded by Tsai Jie.

Went to Phat Cats on Monday because my friend Thorgal sent out an invite. Lovely place, great music, and elegant (if laggy) surroundings. Since Thor was busy dancing with Molly, I jumped on a pink ball with a nice looking fellow named Lawrence (for reasons you will see below, I am leaving off his last name, but just let me say he must be related to a certain Godfather). His profile gave his rez day back in 2006, so this was no noob--even though he acted like one.

We introduced ourselves and took a few sweeping turns around the floor when he asked: "How old are you?" I made some non-committal noises about never asking a lady her age, but next he wanted to know vital statistics: Height, weight, hair color, cup size. This took me a bit aback and at first I started answering: "Yes, real blonde, longish hair, 5'3" ... C cup, if you must know...." but he wouldn't stop. Wanted the age. Wanted the weight. While giving out those is not generally a problem for me it just bugged me that he kept pushing.

Hell, I had already handed him an RL photo of me that I have tucked in my SL photo album, but due to the lag he said it wouldn't rezz for him. I pointed out that this questioning was rude behavior in SL where many people prefer to keep RL info private and we are all an illusion anyway. I mean WTF?

I thought I might convince him that there is more to a person than looks so I told him I wanted answers to a couple questions, too. Asked about his favorite authors, books he's read, movies, music. Shared my own tastes in those departments--something he did not seem interested about at all. But he kept returning to age. Now I was getting pissed.

Eventually I said okay. Told him I was "born in the year of the Dragon." Took him a couple minutes to Wikipedia that, but then he came back with the date ranges for YotD over the last century and he wanted to know which Dragon: Fire, Wood, Water? By now I was so done with this that I told him was I born in 1904.  And he still wouldn't quit pushing.

Finally I told him: "Assume I am either 1) Young, moderately pretty, and grossly overweight or that I am 2) older than you, gorgeous, and thin as a rail. You pick which you prefer." (Just for the curious, I do not fit either of those profiles--you can think of me as average!)  That, too, was not good enough and he persisted with the questions. I finally thanked him for the dance, told him it had been interesting--because I had learned so much more about the man he was by his questions than he had learned from me. Jumped off the pose balls and left.

I am sure I will be back to Phat Cats, but you won't catch me dancing with Larry there (or anywhere else) ever again!

Phat Cats (2), originally uploaded by Tsai Jie.

Worst SL Pick-up Lines

There is a closed thread on SL Forums called "Best/Worst Pick-up Lines in SL." Now I know I have discussed this issue before, but some of this is just so damn funny it cries out to be shared. If you go to the thread there is a lot of fun banter among the posters discussing social etiquette in SL as well as sharing the worst they have heard. I found the 23 page (no shit) long thread a fun read for a snowed in Saturday afternoon.

Several people mentioned they had experienced the kind of lines we have all heard, the traditional noob approach, including: "You're beautiful. Wanna fuck?" or (delivered with enthusiastic hope) "We will have sex now! Yes?"

Then there are the broken English (or just limited lexical/grammatical skill) variants: "mak fuk?" and "u r hot. i wan fuk u." and (my favorites) "make sexies now plz?" or "Oh hai! I can has sex wid u now?"

Regarding language, I am in total agreement here with Trout, who said: "The weird thing is that the intimacy and the primary point of sex in SL is what is being said through IMs, chat or even voice. I refuse to believe it's avatars humping on poseballs. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's only part of the fantasy that is being mutually created by the people involved--without the words, it's like watching a movie with the sound off. If the people involved don't speak the same language, how on earth are they going to enjoy the experience? If I were out fooling around with random people, I wouldn't even think to approach someone who doesn't speak English. I can scratch out a little German and some Spanish, but after I count to ten, order a beer and ask where the train station and the bathroom is, I'm pretty much done with them. 'Heh--Eins, zwei, drei, Ich bin Trout. Dos Cervesas. Donde esta la Bana? Mak fuk?' I can't see that as being much fun. . . . it's stupid to try to hit on someone in SL in a language which you do not speak fluently. . . . If you get the language right, it's going to take forever to get through it, and unless you're having weird tantric all-day-long sex with Sting, who has that kind of time?"

As for just plain bad pick-up lines, the fun folks on the SL Forum thread contributed these:

These three get a couple of points for attempted wit: "Hi Red...I'm Blue...I know a couple of poseballs with our names on them" (contributed by Merielle). "Is that a sculptie in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?" (contributed by Ylikone). "You are over a year old, that's hot" (contributed by Foehn).

Guaranteed to be taken as a compliment (not): "I love your boobs. I don't like them big" (contributed by Alesia). Followed by its converse: "Hey babe...did you slide those yourself?" (contributed by Giz).

Let's not forget Vampire pick up lines: "Hey baby where have you been all my undeath?" (contributed by Collette).

And one more for the ESL grouping: "Are you agree to give pleausure to me, showing your breasts..? ;-)" (contributed by Taylor). In another post Damianos pointed out that: "When looking for a date, Babelfish is a terrible wingman...."

My own personal all-time favorite bad pick-up line was from a fellow wearing only strategically placed straps who came up to me and said: "You look like you need a master. Are you looking for a master?" To which I responded: "If I was I am certain it wouldn't be someone with your charming approach and subtle sense of romance." He just said, "Okay." Then thanked me for the compliment (compliment? sheesh!) and left. Sarcasm is wasted on some people.

There are, however, men out there in SL who have that certain je ne sais quoi. The ones who know what to say, know when to say it, and have something (taste? tact? poise? manners?) that is also probably working for them in RL as well. So, just to leave you on a lighter note, here are some pick-up lines that worked:

Oryx tells of a fellow who walked up to her in a club and asked, "Anyway a newbie in a bad tuxedo could get a girl like you to dance with him?" She says she couldn't resist that and had a nice evening of dancing with the fellow.

Max's story is from the noob's perspective: "My first day in SL, I stopped at a waterfront home and walked in (hey, I didn't know it wasn't right to do that), anyway, there was a woman there changing clothes with no top on. I said 'Did you know you have no top on?' Well of course nothing happened then, I wasn't out for the sex thing, I didn't even know there was sex in SL at the time, that's how new I was. . . one thing led to another and, after many ups and downs, we are not only married in SL, but engaged in RL. Gave her a one carat diamond ring just last weekend."

My own two best pick-up lines come from men who turned out not be not only erudite and witty, but sexy, romantic lovers as well. One was on a crowded boardwalk where a Spanish speaking noob was looking for help. When I sadly told him I didn't speak any Spanish, only French, a good-looking fellow stepped up and began speaking to the noob in Spanish. Thinking the situation was well in hand, I made to move on when the handsome one said: "Don't leave, you are the most beautiful thing I've seen in SL." What girl could resist a line like that? We are still close friends.

The other best line came from a man who asked me about my name, but since I've told that story before I won't go into it again--suffice to say, girls, that when you find the man who uses the right line, who is creative and intelligent and has a romantic soul, who can make you feel special as well as drive you crazy . . . hang on to him for all you are worth!

cross-posted to Viscious Studios by Vicious Tsai Jie

How Not to Charm a Girl in SL by Lashxevious

Poking about the Blogosphere this morning I encountered Lashxevious, another SL blogger with a great sense of humor. Here's her take on how not to go about picking up chicks in SL:

How not to Charm a girl in SL by lashxevious
. . . Anyway, here are some things about SL guys that annoy me.

1. Moving too fast. SL is good for flirting. And flirting is fun! So why the hell ruin it by going into "Exclusive boyfriend" mode? That whole dancing the girl around and giving her the "I think I'm falling for you" spiel ... yeah, we know that line. And we know that's bullshit, especially if the most you've known the girl is 2 weeks and the most extensive conversation you've had was how much work your boss gave you. Usually if she does give it to you, she's just as ready to use you and spit you out, so well ... at least those fickle feelings are mutual.

2. Cheesy, Lame Casanovary. So you tp'd her to "Lover's Ultimate Uber Snuggly Heavenly Paradise Nirvana Utopia" where cuddle balls float atop primmy clouds and caves behind waterfalls harbour sexgen beds with 524,986 different poses where you can work your kamasutra mastery. Dude. It's. Not. Fun. Any girl worth her weight in online gaming will not think a laggy stroll through White Outline Tree park is fun. Fun is where there is opportunity for hilarity and goofiness. Let her whip out the katanas and spend an hour or so plummeling each other and throwing out cheesy kungfu dialog. She gets to be aggressive, you can be a man. It's flirty, it's friendly, and is about the closest you'll get to foreplay at the moment.

3. Having the audacity to think you can dress her better. Unless you were raised from birth by a pack of knowledgeable, posh fashion experts, there's no friggin chance in a mealyworm's rectum that you would know how to dress a woman. 9 times outta 10, that store you're taking her to is a direct replica of the Skanky Stripper 101 catalog. Now I wanna be sexy like anybody else, but there's sexy and there's skanky. Skanky is not hygienic. And giving her money to buy these things doesn't earn you points either becuz SHE HATES IT.

4. IM Whoring. Another peeve of mine. You invite the girl over and as soon as she is standing in front of you, you slump into a catatonic state. Head darting to and fro, revealing all too well the signs of IM ADD. Dude, if you invite her over, anyone over, pay attention to that person, since they obviously agreed to be pulled away from whatever it was they were doing to look at your sorry mug. If you can't be gracious enough to follow through with the invite, continue on with your precious IM's ... ALONE, ya spacey bastard.

5. Getting too sappy. I hate these lines: "I never felt this way before"-"I'm amazed by you"-"I love you now and forever" and UGH I can't continue on cuz the bile is rising up my throat. First of all, if ya wanna say such nonsense go to a karaoke bar during Lionel Ritchie night. And second, it's scientifically known that too much sap on an ass can actually lead to a nasty burn. And any guy that gets really sappy during cyber sex is just weird. Get out and bang some real flesh already. Sex is not about doves singing and feelings soaring to the heavens. WTF.

6. You nasty POS. It goes both ways. Being too perverted, too technical. Anytime colon, perineum, bubble, and whisk is combined into a sentence GTFO. Okay, okay, let's say the girl you're with is just awesomely arousing to you, that aint no excuse. Stop trying to hump her every time she merely smirks your way. Hi, babe *humps your face* How's your day, hun? *humps your face* Umm, wanna just do my leg? I'm trying to build here. *cums*

7. Dragging in the muthaeffin entourage. I don't get how one person can have 16 different best friends all of the opposite gender and insist he's not screwing around with any of them. If he's straight anyway. Nothing ruins a moment faster than teleporting in 2 of your "gal pals" while snuggling the girl you're supposedly wooing. No, she will not trust you. No, she's not impressed you know someone who makes hair. Let's flip the tables on your ass and see how it feels when two random guys pop in to watch.

8. Prissy Lil Know-It-All. I know I'm not perfect. I don't have an answer for everything. I'll say I dunno, or just don't care. I'm a typo-du-jour. And I appreciate a good critique or sensible tip to guide me to bettering what I'm doing. But I do not like being corrected all the freaking time. To even go as far as correcting a wisecrack is not cool either. Just shows you have no sense of sarcasm and got a major stick up your butt. Smart guys are awesome if they're not acting like pricks due to their intelligence. Showing off those brains might mean you're compensating for something anyway, like CHARM.

9. Muscley-Caveman-Fabio drool. Ah, aren't I just the pickiest? I can't talk to these types. "U want dance" Umm was that a question or a statement? "Me laik U" In what sense? Species? Evolution? Prolly not the former. "U want sex?????//" Oh dear god ... just zap out my genitals now lest I accidentally procreate with this thing. Talk dammit. Talk right. I like guys who know how to spell or at least try. So what he spelled "triangulate" wrong, he at least has the brain cells to use it in a sentence. I know some guys who can pull off the abbreviated way of chatting well. It's cuz they make up for it in wit and overall expression of thought. So do the short hand type, but just make some frigging sense. SL is all about communicating, typing won't be phased out by Voice anytime soon.

10. Desecrating Dante. You know who you are. Or the people around you know what you have done. What is with these guys that have extremely bulky shoulders and teeny heads that remind me of the buckets at the dime casino. Bucketheads. What possesses you to make yourself grotesquely unproportionate? Muscles maxxed to 100. Arm length 30. Foot size 100++. And if that's not enough, you use DANTE to cover your obtuse features. Look at the damn poster when you buy that skin. You can't possibly think there's a similarity. Dante alone won't help you. And poor Dante, so beautiful, and so abused.

Here's a tip: the tip of your fingers should be touching midway down your thigh. Your hand should be a lil over half the length of your forearm. You buckethead should be more than 50 size. Your feet-coinpurse-muscles should never be 100.

Or just wear an intricate robot avie or something. Deformed human forms distract me from focusing on the personality since in my head I'm tweaking things. Give me nightmares why don't ya.

And there ya go, I guess there is more, but they're more about nuances I find in RL. I just wrote this at work to kill time. I needed something to amuse myself. >.<

You rock, Lash! Hey, boys? Hope you are paying attention!

Locker Room Lingo, Pick-up Lines, Flirtation, and SL

I was cruising through the archive of The Word Nerds, a podcast about words, language, and why we say the things we do, and came across Locker-room Lingo, Pickup Lines, and Flirtation (episode 52) in which Dave and Howard discussed the language of flirtation and sex. It is fascinating to think about the language, the euphemisms, we chose for discussing sex. The ones I find particularly peculiar use animal metaphors for masturbation: spanking the monkey, walking the dog, and for sex: bash the beaver, feed the kitty, riding the pink pony. Sadly, these odd and interesting, but highly unromantic!, locker room phrases just go on forever. The Word Nerds suggest that we do not grow out of the high school locker room lingo just by getting older. I hate to say it but my experience in SL has lead me to believe this is true. In a virtual world like SL where lovemaking is word-driven, the choices we make in language become critical to how we both view and are viewed by others. So how should we use language to approach sex?

Pick up lines, the Word Nerd boys tell us, need to be quick, catchy and imply that the object of the pick-up is attractive and interesting. those kind of lines are (again, sadly) few and far between. There are over 14 million hits on Google for pickup lines, and one site, by Matthew Montoya, even categorizes pick-up lines, the dumber/cruder of which fall under: Worthy of Beavis and Butthead (Uh, like let's drop all the uh B.S. and like, you know, do it.), Straight to the Point (Hey, Baby, Wanna get lucky?), Cheese (What's your sign?), and What? (I lost my virginity. Can I have yours?). My personal favorite category is the Left Field Approach which includes the [sarcasm mode on] sparkling wit of lines like: "I need to dump my load. Do you mind waiting for me on the bonnet of my car?" and "Is it cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's?" Just for future reference for all you guys who think any of these sound good, that crunch you just heard and the pain you are feeling is her knee connecting to your groin.

So how do you get to talk to the pretty girl? You are gonna have to go for creative without crude. I know may involve brains, but pull yours out and dust it off and give it a shot. Howard mentioned a success he had with a girl who had the name Phoebe on her name tag. He said, "Did you know the name Phoebe means bright and shining?" And as he said it he saw the light come on in her eyes and the interest flaring. I can tell you from personal experience that asking or talking to someone about their name is almost a sure thing. You are demonstrating attraction in a way that says you are neither crude, nor overloaded with clichés and that you are actually thinking about the person, that you want to know her, and you are not just thinking about getting into her pants.

Howard and Dave said, and I highly agree, that where flirtation works best is where you just speak normally to someone and talk about normal topics. Get her attention with a sincere compliment. Try putting yourself out there and connecting on subjects you may have in common. Good flirtation involves the same behavior as making friends. Being charming, putting your best behavior on, making yourself likable. Being real.

Remember the manners you mother said were important your first day of kindergarden? They still are. Be polite. Don't touch someone, even virtually, unless you ask first. Say please and thank you. Share the toys--don't hog the conversation airing your personal dirty laundry, ask them about themselves. You fear you are not interesting enough? Do you read, go to movies, listen to music? Bring up a book, film, or song lyrics and share what you like about them. In SL you can mention interesting places you have seen in-world. If you can't think of any of these things then maybe you need to re-think how you are spending all your time! And for godsakes don't let the first words out of your mouth be to brag about your bedroom skills! Flirtation is about innuendo--implying sensitivity and sensuality without saying sex.

Whether your goal is to add to your friends list or to score a one-night stand or to find the girl of your dreams, remember, the locker-room humor and crude behavior doesn't cut it. In SL, or in RL.

Special thanks to Dave and Howard for their wisdom and advice. In case you are interested, The Word Nerds can be found at Podcast News Feed: http://thewordnerds.org/rss

Tsai's life goes off on a Tangent

I am not even sure where I was when I met him. It has been only a week or so, and it feels like centuries. Time in SL messes you up like that. I was on a quest for the perfect pair of sexy shoes. You know all strappy and sparkly. And when I walked out of the store, there he was. Standing in the middle of the street, looking all dark and broody. Black hair in a ponytail, long wisps of it falling in his face. Dark glasses, black jacket. The kind of man your mother tells you to stay away from. A dark bird of prey. Dangerous. Desirable.

I wanted to try out my newest sexy walk so I strutted past him. Let him see my ass. That usually does the trick. I was expecting a wolf howl, or a raunchy comment. Was thinking, why don’t I get clients who look like that? Then he stopped me. Of all the unexpected things he could say, he asked the origins of my name. I told him that I’d tell him about mine if he’d tell me about his. We went to Mystic’s Club. (I highly recommend Slow Dance 4!) We danced. I have been dancing ever since.

There is something about this mystery man. He is an enigma—even for SL. Scary desires. The hands of an artist. The silver-tongue of a poet. "Verbal foreplay" he calls it and he is not wrong. Let me tell you, the give and take of teasing and flirting, the fencing with innuendo, and the right balance of sexy talk and promise—this is a fine art. Here’s the thing guys, most women know that the art of lovemaking lies not just in the look, but also in the words. You can be the hunkiest of hunks and if your dialogue is consistently "hey, I wanna f*** you!" you will not be getting flocks of hot women rushing to lie down for you.

It is easy for women to pick up most men. Men love to hear us talk sexy. But rare is the man who can keep us on our toes. Who can keep up his half of the dialogue, and mean it. I have met scores of men in SL... only a handful were truly good at SL flirting. One hot geek, one sexy Brit, and this man, my mystery lover.

Don’t know where this is going, don’t know how long it will last. Don’t care. I’ll fly this bird as long as he will return. No jesses, no hood. And if the talons he has hooked into my heart are occasionally scary—well, life is not...love is not... for sissies.