Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Quote du Jour: Philip Linden on love

Love is the most subtle and complex emotion. It can be experienced at peak intensity only with the full power of the human intellect and in the calm of a fearless and lucid mind. The direction of evolution is toward love. --Philip Linden, founder of Second Life and of Lovemachine:  http://www.lovemachineinc.com/tao-of-lovemachine/


Philip is talking about the impetus behind his new company, Lovemachine, a sort of cross between a Twitterish feed and a merit/kudos employee reward system. In effect it acts like in-house LinkedIn recomendations. A nice idea. But what he says here has a great deal of merit. 


Love is complex, and uncontrollable. I'm not talking about lust here--that is the unpredictable response to biological stimuli, I am talking about the internal feel good you get from loving someone. Love doesn't have to be requited to be real. You can love someone even when they don't love you. Then again, when someone loves you, really loves you and demonstrates that love, over and over, it is difficult not to love back. 


Love does not take place in the groin, that's lust. And lust is a fine thing, too. You got mutual lust going with someone, go ahead, have a great time. Love, however, is that feeling that you can't live without knowing that the other is happy. Their well-being takes precedent over your own. Lust is about you. Love is about him, or her. 


Just as Philip says, love needs a lucid mind. Love is when you see the other clearly--all their flaws, all their faults, and you still love.  Love happens in the heart, and in the head. The very best sex ever is not love unless your head and heart, your mind and soul are engaged. And to be honest--the best sex involves the head as well as the heart. The imagination as well as the body. When both the heartt and head are involved it is so much more than just sex. It is that perfect connection between two people that transcends everything. If you find it, cherish it. It is priceless. If you lose it, you will know it was love by the unfillable hole left behind.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Song du Jour: "Undo it" Carrie Underwood

This song is for Silver. Keep singing this, Baby, & it will be all right. 


I should've known by the way you passed me by
There was something in your eyes and it wasn't right
I should've walked, but I never had the chance
Everything got out of hand, and I let it slide

Now I only have myself to blame
For falling for your stupid games
I wish my life could be the way
It was before I saw your face

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely, and took me for a ride
And I wanna undo it

You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna undo it

Now your photos don't have a picture frame
And I never say your name, and I never will
And all your things, well, I threw them in the trash
And I'm not even sad

Now you only have yourself to blame
For playing all those stupid games
You're always going to be the same
Oh no, you'll never change

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely, and took me for a ride
And I wanna undo it

You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna undo it

You want my future, you can't have it
I'm still trying to erase you from my past
I need you gone so fast

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely, and took me for a ride
And I wanna undo it

You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna undo it

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely, and took me for a ride
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna undo it

Monday, October 4, 2010

Thor and Aurie at Phat Cats


Thor and Aurie_002, originally uploaded by Tsai Jie.
I know. You are used to seeing me dancing here with Thorgal while he is Djing. I do love to hang with him in Phat Cats. I get to hear new music from everywhere, we talk about our respective loves, about life, the universe, and everything. Always a relaxing thing on a Sunday afternoon. Yesterday when I showed up for his DJ session I thought it would be like any other Sunday, but no.

There she was on the dance floor the lovely Aurelia Lionheart. I don't usually see Aurie here. She is the proprietor of The Noob. (Come by on Tuesdays and Thursdays for Karaoke and hear Thor sing! Yes, a man of many talents.)

Now I could never even attempt to cut in on Thor dancing with Aurielia, first because she is a friend, but also because she is his SL partner and one true love. I couldn't help, however, but admire them both for being beautiful, young, and for being in love. So I took this picture.

Meanwhile, though I did listen to Thor's (always excellent) music choices, I was stuck across the room in chat lag hell with Molly Lempton, a couple other friends, and an Elvis lookalike who didn't speak much English. I still had a good time. Made a new friend. Got nostalgic whenThor played me a Sting song that is an old favorite.

Thorgal & Aurielia, I count myself lucky to have you both as friends.

Knowing When to Walk Away

A long time ago a friend told me that I try so hard to pour oil on troubled waters that I end up polluting them. Something in me always seems to wants to fix all the broken things. Make all my friends happy. Make the ones I love love me back. Please everyone and at the same time be pleased by everyone. Balance my RL with my SL. I guess there has to come a point where you finally say to yourself this is just too broken to put it back together. 

Sometimes I suspect I spend too much time trying too hard to recapture a moment that is lost rather than making a new moment. Sometimes it is someone else who has so many filters that he only hears and sees what he expects to see. I think I did that pollution thing again today. I shouldn't have talked to him. I should have let it be. I keep coming back to try to start over and all I do is rip the scab off the wounds I thought were healed--both mine and his it seems. 

Sometimes I wish I knew why this one broken thing is so important to me. Sometimes I wish I didn't care. I guess I have finally come to the point where I know I have no choice but to let go.  

He would say I am seeing only black and white--stay or go. But what other option is there? The fact is, he always played his cards so close to the chest I don't know what the best path is. I had no clues so I always blundered about believing the best. And I seem to have hurt him, been hurting him, keep hurting him. Could I hurt him so much if he didn't care at all for me? The dumb thing is I don't even know, I truly do not know what it is I do that he calls drama and emotion. 

Two weeks ago I said hello I wasn't angry, wasn't emotional. A little sad, a little hopeful. But not expecting anything. Just wanting to tell him I still care. Not asking him to take me back. Just wanted to say I hoped he was well and happy. Do I say to much? Wear my heart on my sleeve? Probably. He brought up the things I said last month. I wanted to clear it up. I should have said nothing. Should have walked away and let it go. How did my being hurt by his new relationship cause him so much anger? If he doesn't care for me, should he even give a damn what I think? If he does still care for me, shouldn't he want to talk? To meet halfway and find a place we can at least be friends? All I ever wanted to do was to make him happy. All we ever do any more is hurt each other. 

He used to call us star-crossed lovers. But then he dumped me. Nearly a year ago he walked away, said it was too much and he had no time for SL and that he didn't want me any more because I was messing up his RL, and RL was too important. Okay. I can buy that. RL has to come first. Hell, I came close to trashing my RL because of the intensity of my feelings for him. I needed to refocus, too. I have been putting that back together, slowly, only because my RL love has also made an effort. But then that's what RL is about. Being real to each other. 

So how dumb am I for chasing a man in SL who won't talk to me, won't listen to me, doesn't believe me, and clearly doesn't want me?  

I have spent the last year wandering lost. Thinking about him a dozen times a day and learning how not to cry. And then still crying. Pouring over old emails and chats and pictures. Getting my hopes up on the rare occasions he spoke to me or was friendly. Falling apart when he smacked me down and was cold. Trying to find my footing in SL again without him. Half a dozen times I have thought about deleting this avatar. About starting over. I threw myself at other men, but in the end no one else was him. I made new friends, good friends, friends who were a distraction. I went dancing, flirted, had fun. But never could get him out of my mind. Never got him out of my heart. I still looked for him online. Me still being Stalker Chick. 

You know what is funny? The first year he loved it when I blogged about him. The second year he said I was putting pressure on him. In the end he said he hated my blog--I deleted it, then I resurrected most of it but took all mention of him out. I still can't bring myself to say his name here. And yet I can't stop thinking, and writing, about him. 


Last night I did it again. Sent him another email that he will not respond to. How dumb am I?